Had a cry over Christmas cause I feel like I only give and get not much back

[Propage]

I have a lovely family. Every one wanted to have a special Christmas this year. Ie we said we’ll spend a little more on Christmas gifts and foods. The house was decorated beautifully with some posh garlands.

Just for context I live with my parents after my divorce. They have a large home and hosted. Sisters and I decorated together at the beginning of December. It was a great day with cocktails and laughter.

I don’t know I just feel sad. Don’t get me wrong I WANTED to make nice meals like lasagna, steak and ale pie etc so we could enjoy a meal together with wine. And just sit and relax together.

But one day I was at the height of a very mild cold we all sort of have (23rd). Not feeling amazing. I tried hinting I really wasn’t feeling cooking. Everyone was like “no we trust you are hygienic and will wash your hands”. So I just soldiered on as I wanted everyone to have a nice meal together.

Christmas day. I was up at 4 am prepping my cinnamon rolls (couldn’t sleep so thought I’ll just death them out the way and have a nice lie in). Couldn’t end up sleeping again. Had a nice breakfast opening presents. Within mins sister (mains cooker) who has been fine all morning says she is not feeling well and will have a nap before starting. So I offered to help. Ended up doing the whole meal with some people chipping in here and there.

Sister’s husband is running around after sister with pain killers, blankets, hot water bottles. I obviously got next to no attention. It’s fine. Obviously I chose this. I genuinely enjoy sitting around with a lovely meal. And I enjoy making puds. I want my family to feel loved and spoiled. But equally I would love to receive that too.

Got a wonderful expensive gift. So people
have made an effort

Just had a cry. Feel unloved even though my family is lovely. Someone did run out to the pharmacy for me. I feel like I give but have no one looking after me. It’s all one sided. I’m a nice person.

I mean everyone pitched in. But I feel like I’m always the one picking up the slack with the shittest jobs. Ie scrubbed the whole house. Others did more of the fun jobs ie wrap in front of the tv.

My mum has arthritis so is limited to what she can do.

I wonder if others are as invested in holiday specialness as you are? All the posh garlands up a month early, and the days and days on end of lovely meals and special puddings?

I know many perfectionists who feel the same way you do, OP - if I didn’t do everything it wouldn’t get done, or done correctly, or it wouldn’t be special enough, and that would be a disaster and everything would collapse.

And they make the decision to overlook their own needs to prioritise things being perfect, because the discomfort of things not being perfect is too much to bear.

Then what happens is the people around them understand that it is very important to Propage for things to be perfect - this is her thing, this is her way of coping or her hobby or her love language or whatever. But it’s a fuck ton of work, and not everyone signed up for this or has the energy for a sustained marathon of cooking and hosting and decorating that lasts for weeks, when we’re all tired and under the weather. So we’ll let her crack on, as it’s very meaningful to her for things to be just so, and the whole holiday might go tits up if we suggested having a quiet day while we convalesce rather than yet another massive family banquet.

People might be relieved if you took a break or had a rest. But people might also be worried you’ll be sad and upset if things aren’t perfect.

Which is fine, but don't complain about it afterwards. You can't have it both ways, and your family aren't mind readers. You felt unwell but decide to martyr yourself, including getting up at 4am to make cinnamon rolls - but that isn't a problem because you couldn't sleep anyway - then complain because people are letting you.

You’re wallowing and feeling sorry for yourself. Allow it for 5 mins then take a reality check and move on before you get used to the horrible trait that is self-martyrdom.
Lots of contradictions as have been pointed out by others. Reflect on the fact most of the things you are moping about are things you absolutely insisted on and allegedly enjoy doing. If you’re actually doing these things for attention or validation, pull yourself up on it and don’t do them again. If you did enjoy doing them then accept you’re being a bit silly, have the pity party and then move onwards. You’ve had a lovely Christmas with a thoughtful family.

Everyone has helped me a lot with my recent divorce.

Okay so it's not that you only give and get not much back then.

The majority of what you did could have just not been done.

You need to be explicit... everyone could have got by without home made food and painted walls and I guarantee Christmas would have still been special

Stop with the hinting and being a martyr and be clear...you don't feel well enough to cook so its takeaway or whatever someone else wants to cook. End of

You can't do these things and then moan when people let you...they aren't mind readers

Ah, I think you’re missing having a partner… not your actual ex probably! But a partner who is yours and whose job it is to look out for you. Like your sister had being run round after and fetched things. I’ve always been single and I have to say I really notice it at holidays and gatherings - I don’t have that person who prioritises me and backs me up. I’m no one’s special someone. Which is fine! I’m happy alone and better than 99% of the men/relationships I know, but just sometimes, when you see people being taken care of and treated and spoiled, you think… oh, never for me. And it’s tough to set boundaries by yourself sometimes - you could have set your person up to suggest a takeaway when you said you were tired, or expected them to get your hint - on your own you have to actually come out and say it and feel like you’re making a fuss and letting people down more explicitly. I suspect this might be your first Christmas not in a couple as an adult for a while? So that’s probably why you’re feeling that way. Let yourself feel it but also it sounds like you did have a lovely time and go nice presents etc. So focus on the good bits too!

So they won't get done, then. Have you considered that maybe you are the only person who wants your specific level of magic? And others have their own views. You can't invent a high bar for Christmas, do everything without anyone asking you to and then get upset that it's not appreciated. You can't make people value you by giving them more of what they already don't need. And that's martyrdom.
You say you don't want to be a martyr but you actually do. And, to be completely frank, all this extra effort you did was for you, not for them.

It’s easy to do what you have done. Me I just say I’m tired I’m going for a sleep or whatever

OP - has your recent divorce made you feel as though your life is out of control? Are you trying to regain that control by trying to make your environment feel extra secure?

Because you remind me a bit of my mum, who did exactly this and for those reasons. She'd slave away and then be angry because nobody helped, when she actively kept everyone out of the kitchen because she needed to be in control there. So we were damned if we did and damned if we didn't.

You're allowed to be angry. You're allowed to feel unloved and unwanted, these are your feelings. But I think they might be more related to your actual day to day life than Christmas itself.

But do all of the bits need to be done to make it special, or need to be done because otherwise (only) you don’t feel it’s special?.

I say this nicely OP, but other people may not care about the same stuff, to the same level you do. The fact that it’s not done - whatever it may be - isn’t important to them (obviously I’m not talking about cooking the turkey, or putting the tree up). They may fully appreciate your attention to details, but maybe they think you like doing these things, and they aren’t bothered, so wouldn’t offer.
I do lots of little bits towards making Christmas special, I know they’re appreciated, but if I stopped doing them, I could because it wouldn’t alter much, not really. I choose to do them so can’t complain if they don’t get done.

Christmas brings out all sorts of emotions around family, friends, loved ones, even more so post divorce . But it sounds like you’re well loved, so perhaps just feeling it a little bit this year because of the divorce?.
In future, work out what’s important to you, get a rota in place for preparation and when things don’t go to plan, or don’t get done, realise it isn’t the most important part.

And if you'd said "I don't feel great. I'll make the pie another day when I feel better." or "Shame sister is not feeling well and she was going to cook dinner. Shall we all just muck in and have something simple instead" would the day be massively less "lovely" for everyone?

I'm sure your dinner was gorgeous, but will anyone really remember it in a couple of week's time? Is it more likely they will remember everyone getting together and people all doing bits and pieces so it was team effort?

I don't think your family is the issue. Your sister has her husband/partner for support and you don't have anyone, I think thats the real issue here.

I think you should go to a therapist to deal with the grief from your divorce and also to enforce some boundaries.

Kindly meant,
You are being a martyr.
You CAN stop it, right now.
I stopped it and feel so much better.

Good luck....

Thing is with the scrubbing - you actually live there with your parents and the others don't. Why would they scrub? Helping in the kitchen I can understand, but a big pre-christmas deep clean no.

Gently, I think the real problem is you want the safety net of a romantic partner. Your family cannot meet this need.

I think you're getting a hard time on here. I understand what you mean, sometimes it's just nice to get a bit of effort back. Someone doing something without you having to ask or 'nag'. I think feeling ill won't help either.

I'm feeling the same this year, I've decided to cut back my expectations of everyone and be more assertive.

Hi @Propage - I really recognise these feeling especially the layer that divorce adds to it.

The first few big events after my divorce felt emotionally heightened. I was suddenly very aware that everyone else had someone and I didn’t, which made me hyper aware of couples, and who was being looked after. That awareness for me quietly turned into pressure to make everything in my life feel perfect, almost as proof to myself that life is still good and that I’m okay,

Living with parents who are hosting, and therefore you are hosting by extension, brings its own subtle pressure too. You end up stepping in when others step out, because you’re there, you’re capable, and you care. It’s not always a conscious choice, but it can leave you feeling unseen and taken for granted afterwards. I remember feeling the same.

Christmas post divorce can be genuinely hard. I won’t sugar coat it. You can be surrounded by people who love you and still feel very alone, especially when you feel like the one giving the care rather than receiving it. Reading threads over the festive period about lazy husbands and difficult in laws has reminded me that what things look like from the outside is rarely the full story, but that doesn’t make your feelings any less valid.

You sound generous, capable, and kind. Wanting to make things special doesn’t cancel out you’re very human need to feel looked after too. Feeling sad doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful. It just means you’re human and a bit depleted especially if you’ve had this cold doing the rounds.

One thing counselling post divorce has really helped me with is noticing these patterns and slowly learning where I need firmer boundaries, especially around what I take on and what I quietly absorb. It’s a work in progress.

Be gentle with yourself. This sounds less like a failing family and more like a good person who gave a lot and is tired.

Wishing you a happy 2026

“The whole day was pretty much down to me.”

wow.you really have put yourself on a pedestal there.
The very definition of a martyr.

Reading your posts - you had a lovely Christmas , surrounded by loved ones , and had a lovely expensive gift.

There is no need to be sad .

BUT - you are living back at home after a divorce and it’s a time when you miss that family unit and loneliness feels stronger. You saw your BIL fussing over your sister and you don’t have that. That’s what you’re sad about - Christmas has highlighted where you are right now and got to your emotions and made you feel sad. That is normal and part of this journey and it is ok to feel like that. Allow yourself to feel it for a bit , without guilt . Then - pick yourself up and focus on the new year and what this new normal means to you now and how you can own it x

If you’ve been a little under the weather, not sleeping particularly well, and you’ve been busy, this can lead to heightened emotions at the best of times. Is this the first Christmas since your divorce?

It sounds like you know YABU to feel sad about the way Christmas played out, because you’re aware you decided it was going to be like this for yourself. I wonder if, as it seems you’d made it very clear that you wanted to do all of these things, it might not be that everyone expected you to do everything, and more “Propage enjoys this stuff, we’re not going to spoil that by trying to take over”? It sounds like they interpreted your hints as concern about making others ill rather than not wanting to cook - if you’d been more direct there’s every chance they’d have helped more!

If you’ve realised you’d prefer things to be different in future you’ll need to be upfront about wanting everyone to do their share. If everyone else wants the house scrubbed, tell them they need to help (or do it themselves). If you want more opportunity for ‘fun’ jobs, tell them this is what you want.

From everything you’ve said, they do care about you. It’s okay to feel sad because Christmas brought up difficult emotions, but blaming your lovely family isn’t fair. Is it possible you might be focusing on your family to avoid confronting what’s really behind how you’re feeling?

So? Then they don't get done.
Also hinting that you don't feel yp to cooking! Just be clear "I can't cook, who's taking over"

Jumping in to help? Daft. Getting up at 4? Batty.

You are clearly still finding your way. Make 2026 the year you prioritise yourself.

Painting the walls does not equal relaxed.

My divorce was finalised in August

I agree you may need to be clearer. I've learned that DH just does not get the message if I say 'I'm feeling a bit unwell' or 'I'm coming down with that thing the kids had'. I have to say things like 'I've got a really bad cold, I won't be able to pick up the kids today/I can't do X, Y, Z' I literally have to tell him I'm not well enough to do a thing or else it just doesn't get through to him.

Interestingly, I've realised this is the flipside of the 'man flu' thing - I've told DH he doesn't need to repeatedly tell me how awful he feels when he's ill and he's told me it's his way of being clear why he's not able to do stuff. Which has made me more sympathetic- it's not because he wants pity, it's his way of saying 'I'm sorry I can't do stuff, I'm not well enough'. It's still kind of an annoying way to do it, but I do feel a bit more understanding now.