Had a cry over Christmas cause I feel like I only give and get not much back

[Propage]

I have a lovely family. Every one wanted to have a special Christmas this year. Ie we said we’ll spend a little more on Christmas gifts and foods. The house was decorated beautifully with some posh garlands.

Just for context I live with my parents after my divorce. They have a large home and hosted. Sisters and I decorated together at the beginning of December. It was a great day with cocktails and laughter.

I don’t know I just feel sad. Don’t get me wrong I WANTED to make nice meals like lasagna, steak and ale pie etc so we could enjoy a meal together with wine. And just sit and relax together.

But one day I was at the height of a very mild cold we all sort of have (23rd). Not feeling amazing. I tried hinting I really wasn’t feeling cooking. Everyone was like “no we trust you are hygienic and will wash your hands”. So I just soldiered on as I wanted everyone to have a nice meal together.

Christmas day. I was up at 4 am prepping my cinnamon rolls (couldn’t sleep so thought I’ll just death them out the way and have a nice lie in). Couldn’t end up sleeping again. Had a nice breakfast opening presents. Within mins sister (mains cooker) who has been fine all morning says she is not feeling well and will have a nap before starting. So I offered to help. Ended up doing the whole meal with some people chipping in here and there.

Sister’s husband is running around after sister with pain killers, blankets, hot water bottles. I obviously got next to no attention. It’s fine. Obviously I chose this. I genuinely enjoy sitting around with a lovely meal. And I enjoy making puds. I want my family to feel loved and spoiled. But equally I would love to receive that too.

Got a wonderful expensive gift. So people
have made an effort

Just had a cry. Feel unloved even though my family is lovely. Someone did run out to the pharmacy for me. I feel like I give but have no one looking after me. It’s all one sided. I’m a nice person.

I mean everyone pitched in. But I feel like I’m always the one picking up the slack with the shittest jobs. Ie scrubbed the whole house. Others did more of the fun jobs ie wrap in front of the tv.

My mum has arthritis so is limited to what she can do.

Sometimes you need to say what you want / need, people aren't mind readers. Did you really "scrub" the entire house or is that hyperbole? It does all sound very martyrish!

OP, your constant pushbacks to very reasonable solutions and questions i.e "my family are mediterranean" / "if i dont do it it doesnt get done" / "i wanted visitors to be comfortable" etc are really frustrating.

Youve placed yoursekf in this role, and youve placed yourself in this role because you like being "the one", because then you can also be the martyr.

Your family arent mindreaders, and until you get out of the addiction to being the one upon whom all depends and to being the martyr, this will continue.

But please dont pretend you havent done it to yourself

I acknowledge it was a choice in my first post.

Yes I went room by room and did a deep clean. Even painted some walls. I wanted the house to be as relaxed and as inviting as possible.im divorced and have moved to the town my parents have retired. I have a lot of free time so once again it was my choice.

This is 100% on you. No one asked you to.

Painting walls is beyond ludicrous

It’s rubbish when you think you’ll be having fun doing things together, then you end up doing it on your own, especially when there are a few folk around.

How are you now? Cold better? I’ve just started with one 🙄.

You’re doing them a disservice here. They are adults with no SN? They are capable then of cooking a roast, or at the very least having a role in the process and washing their hands.

If you place yourself as the only one who can do xyz then most people will happily sit back and let you do it without having a clue of the effort it takes. No one is unreasonable here. Next year you need to be clear that it’s not all on you. If the house needs a big clean then delegate so everyone does their fair share. Cooking a full on Christmas meal? Share out the preparations and be very clear that you’re not doing it all.

In the nicest possible way, you have put yourself in this position. If you don’t like it you can take yourself out of it.

Kindly, is your divorce recent (within the past year)? Could this possibly really be triggered by how you feel about that? Christmas was ‘different’ this year, and things such as seeing your sisters DH run about looking after her and no longer having a partner to look after/take some load from you when you feel unwell made all the horrid ‘unloved/lonely’ feelings surface?

like I said I get bored just sitting around as my social life is not what it should be now I have moved in with my parents. I can only
to the gym so many times. So in the weeks leading up to Christmas I had a little tidy up. It was certainly my choice. And I enjoyed having a wine and sorting things out with Xmas music. Got me excited for the festivities.

Thank you for asking. Feel much better. Just have a very tickly cough which only occurs when I am horizontal - makes sleeping a pain x

So don’t complain about it?
Just do things differently next year so you don’t feel like you’ve done everything.

Then again, if you like to be the ones who does it all (and it sounds like it from your posts) then own it and go for it!

They’re Mediterranean in 2025 with access to the internet not quadriplegic. They would have managed to make something.

You are disappointed because you put in far too much effort expecting a round of applause for doing it.

Dial down the effort and expectations. Your idea of the perfect Xmas probably doesn't match what the rest of your family thinks.

I promise you, you can just not do this stuff. The world won't end, people's Christmas won't be ruined.

If you lie on the floor don’t be surprised when people step on you.

Well then let it not get done and stop making it your problem.

Omg if this is enough to make you feel unappreciated, I do not recommend getting a husband and kids.

Sounds very much like you’re trying to out-woman yourself by doing all the womanly caring roles to the absolute max. Maybe because everyone else is coupled up and they therefore ‘fit in’ to the established social order. Divorce is very hard. People judge. Do yourself a favour and stop judging yourself.

So then acknowledge that you painted and scrubbed the house for yourself, partly because you were bored and perhaps mostly because you have an idea of what the perfect Christmas looks like and wanted to deliver on that. If you went away for Christmas and were not around, would your family have a rubbish Christmas because there was nobody to do aaaall the things you do? I suspect not.

That said, it’s not nice to feel like you have worked hard to make Christmas special and it has not been fully appreciated by those around. It’s also not nice to feel like everyone else is coupled up except you, especially if this is the first Christmas post divorce. Just try to remember that it’s not your family’s fault.

I would have loved for someone to say to me let’s not brother with the pie. Put yourself on the sofa and we’ll order a Chinese. Didn’t happen. I was clearly unwell and everyone said pie sounded good when I was clearly trying to show I didn’t want to make it.

You need to SPEAK UP!

this is said with love because I think the goal here us for OP to see a way forward that gets her what she wants.

OP you are in an objectively difficult phase—back home post divorce in a traditionalist family where everyone else is coupled up. You are an outlier living a life that they don’t respect or truly expect.

While living at home you have taken on the role of the good girl. Surely that is partly love and partly necessity. Because good girls are necessary and liked and don’t get asked to leave. So all this doing and scrubbing and cooking ard both free gifts of a loving heart snd necessitated by the fact that you have “no safety net” and no dedicated partner.

So some of this loving/cooking/niceness is a tactic, even a kind of trauma response (submission/compliance are trauma responses). In other words there is a secondary gain to your behavior that you can’t or won’t give up because it is of value. The more you do for others, and the more dramatically ( coughing while cooking) the more necessary you demonstrate yourself to be. The more others express appreciation “oh we couldn’t have done it without you! Oh good old Susie! She’s the best! Mum and dad couldn’t have hosted without her!”

This praise gives you some security as a single woman living at home.

Do you need it? Do you have to slave away as everyone’d maid to feel safe? Maybe its time to reflect on how bad it also makes you feel. Can you start to busy yourself building a new life so you see family as not sll you have? Make ghis year one where you resolve to advocate for yourself snd take care of yourself.

"guys, I know I said I'd make a pie this evening but I'm actually feeling really rough. Has anyone else got an idea for today and I'll see if I'm feeling better tomorrow"

It's really not hard.

You do need to stop hinting and use your words. "I'm so sorry but I'm feeling crap and not up to making a pie for tonight." Someone would have stepped in.

No one knows what you need unless you tell them. The sense I get from your post is that your real issue is that you feel you don’t have someone to make a fuss of/look after you. I am single, and I empathise with that feeling. I have had a horrendous cold for 10 days and to top that off, DD got a horrendous vomiting bug and looking after her while I was also sick was really tough. Fortunately I told my ex (her other parent) I just couldn’t hack it so she came over and helped.

Christmas Day - I’m on my own with 3 DC. I cook the meal, I tidy up (they do help a bit). I too would love to have a partner look after me etc, but I don’t have one and that’s just how it is. I do have a loving family and a small group of close friends I know would always help me out if I asked. But you have to ask.