Had a cry over Christmas cause I feel like I only give and get not much back

[Propage]

I have a lovely family. Every one wanted to have a special Christmas this year. Ie we said we’ll spend a little more on Christmas gifts and foods. The house was decorated beautifully with some posh garlands.

Just for context I live with my parents after my divorce. They have a large home and hosted. Sisters and I decorated together at the beginning of December. It was a great day with cocktails and laughter.

I don’t know I just feel sad. Don’t get me wrong I WANTED to make nice meals like lasagna, steak and ale pie etc so we could enjoy a meal together with wine. And just sit and relax together.

But one day I was at the height of a very mild cold we all sort of have (23rd). Not feeling amazing. I tried hinting I really wasn’t feeling cooking. Everyone was like “no we trust you are hygienic and will wash your hands”. So I just soldiered on as I wanted everyone to have a nice meal together.

Christmas day. I was up at 4 am prepping my cinnamon rolls (couldn’t sleep so thought I’ll just death them out the way and have a nice lie in). Couldn’t end up sleeping again. Had a nice breakfast opening presents. Within mins sister (mains cooker) who has been fine all morning says she is not feeling well and will have a nap before starting. So I offered to help. Ended up doing the whole meal with some people chipping in here and there.

Sister’s husband is running around after sister with pain killers, blankets, hot water bottles. I obviously got next to no attention. It’s fine. Obviously I chose this. I genuinely enjoy sitting around with a lovely meal. And I enjoy making puds. I want my family to feel loved and spoiled. But equally I would love to receive that too.

Got a wonderful expensive gift. So people
have made an effort

Just had a cry. Feel unloved even though my family is lovely. Someone did run out to the pharmacy for me. I feel like I give but have no one looking after me. It’s all one sided. I’m a nice person.

I mean everyone pitched in. But I feel like I’m always the one picking up the slack with the shittest jobs. Ie scrubbed the whole house. Others did more of the fun jobs ie wrap in front of the tv.

My mum has arthritis so is limited to what she can do.

If you wanted a take away/ chinese - just say, right Im knackered and for X meal we are having a takeaway unless someone else cooks

You are mad getting up at 4am cooking on xmas day when it's clearly going to be a long day anyway.

I think it sounds like it triggered you seeing people supported by partners which its understandable

Why didn’t YOU say let’s not bother with the pie
”I’m not up to cooking - let’s order Chinese”

As for “clearly trying to show I didn’t want to make (the pie)”
For goodness sake, use your words!

Is this because you’re alone? I say this as a single parent myself and even though I have the most wonderful of family, it really hits home at these events that I’m alone. My siblings partner dotes on them too. I think you just have to be grateful for what you have because you can’t control the rest.

If you didn't want to cook pie - stop being feeble with your 'hints'.

say - Im feeling terrible, I need a lie down - unless someone else has a better idea Im getting chinese who's in.

I got up early expecting I would have a lie in then all morning to myself to have a bath/nap.

I was wide awake at 4 am so just thought I’d do my bit for the day and be done so I can relax the rest of the day.

I think I didn’t speak up as I just really want to make this a lovely time for everyone. Everyone has helped me a lot with my recent divorce. I don’t want to make things difficult.

What do you think would have been their reaction if you'd said you were actually too poorly to make it? Would they have been understanding or were you worried?

There's a difference between a lovely family not realising you were poorly, and a not-so-nice family taking the piss.

Taking them at face value, you may have masked being poorly really well and they just didn't realise you felt as tired as you were.

You sound very caring and kind, I imagine you go above and beyond for people all the time. Sadly not everyone (even lovely family) are always quite as empathetic!

Take this as a lesson to speak up for yourself, you deserve to have your needs met too!

Sounds to me like as you live with your parents, you are in more of a "host" role than a "guest" role.

A lot of what you've done sounds lovely, but the kind of thing that has a massive cost in time/energy but little impact in terms of guest noticing. I would be more selective about your job selection when you have limited time and energy - go for the big impact things!

Having said that, yes it is true I think in families or groups there are always a few "doers" who make the effort and do the work to carry the "coasters". It can be frustrating being in that group, I am also one of them. I don't mind too much as I love the celebrations, but if it is too much for you you are not obliged to do it - they may have a less cost/comfortable Christmas, but that's ok

Maybe consider that, if it didn’t get done if you don’t do it, it’s not that important to the people you’re with? People will do the things that matter to them. It mattered to you that everything was perfect and you did it all - I’m guessing it wasn’t so important to the others that they would do it in your absence.

You really need to speak up for yourself. I made a lovely Christmas dinner and made it clear that I wasn’t cleaning the kitchen afterwards. My DH and kids all cleaned the kitchen beautifully but had I not said, the chances are I’d have had some cleaning up waiting for me. Not because they don’t care, but they’re used to me taking care of certain jobs, and the kitchen is one of them. So I need to tell them when the “usual” is changing.

It’s rubbish realising you need to look out for yourself, but it’s also part of being an adult.

I offered takeaway but my family is very anti takeaway. People said the offer of a takeaway was gross.

Really? Come on!

You offer a takeaway and they say, 'no, that is gross'

You say, 'what shall we have then? I have cooked every meal this week. Whose turn is it now?'

Not everyone can work out what you actually want from hints. It could easily have been interpreted as rude if you'd said you were going to make a pie and people said 'lets get a takeaway instead' or 'no, don't bother'. You need to be clear. 'i don't feel well enough to cook sorry'. Nobody who actually gives a shit about you is going to get upset or offended.

So why didn’t you then go and have a bath and relax, say you’ve done breakfast and now want to rest. It sounds like there were enough people to muddle through making a roast dinner.

I’m wondering if it’s worth giving yourself some time to think about what your expectations were for yourself from a “magical Christmas”. You went to a great deal of effort for everyone and now feel you didn’t get a fair return? You might have been hoping for many things: recognition of your role as a support for your mother, a big healing bath of affection after a tough year. Sadly families are often not good sources of validation and looking for it there can lead people to feel very vulnerable. You may need to think about other sources. Unfortunately healing is lonely work.

Tell them this or stop doing things.

Because you live with your parents, who are hosting, you are the default host too. Unless your siblings also live with your parents? Even when everyone's family, we still fall into host and guest roles I think.

Your choices sound pretty crackers tbh, getting up at 4am to make non-essential food, painting walls and scrubbing every room. You're welcome to do all of this, but then can't really moan that you this big giver who gets taken for granted. You're bored or awake and want to do these things. You expect other people to be mind-readers about which bits you want to do and when you're doing things against your will. I suspect it's all more to do with your divorce and having a cold so you're feeling sorry for yourself, which is fair enough, but ofc the husband looks after his poorly wife and there isn't an equivalent person to do that for you and that doesn't mean anyone's at fault, it's just how the current situation is.

Your family got you a nice pressie and you're even living with them full-time so you can hardly say they're not doing their bit. Focus on what you can control and only do the things you want then you can't blame anyone for feeling exploited. I've never scrubbed the house from top to bottom or made cinnamon rolls and managed to make it to 50. Dry your eyes and ease off for the rest of the break.

Exactly.

"No that it is gross."

"Ha ha, fair enough. I'm having one, you have whatever you like."

They're grown ups and individuals. Every meal doesn't have to be a group thing. If people can't agree, grab a sandwich and leave them to it.

Lack of assertiveness on your part. Sounds like you need to be firmer and accept that you are responsible for your own wellbeing. Should have just said firmly ‘I’m not well. I’m going to bed. Someone else will need to step in.’ And I’m the same - just very much a people pleaser who doesn’t like to let people down. But I’m working on it…..

This year I got screamed at by my father in law. He then screamed at his daughter.

It was absolutely awful.

Next year I’m thinking we should leave the country. There is no way in hell I’m going through that again.

It all seemed to have been minimised. But it was horrific. My child witnessed it and had a meltdown.

Is a Mediterranean penis too big to fit in the kitchen or something? Of course the men could cook dinner if they had to! I’m also from a traditional male dominated culture but my family won’t stand for lazy or helpless men doing nothing to help out at mealtimes.

Nobody would care if the house wasn’t scrubbed or the cinnamon buns weren’t freshly made. If you’d said I’m not well enough to cook, of course the family would have managed with a takeaway. I’m betting those lazy men would tell everyone how unwell they were if they had a cold.

Do you know how privileged you are to have parents who have housed you, given you a roof over your head, and family members who would support you if you had something really bad happen, more than a little sniffly cold.

You need to be less self-absorbed - honestly, just look out there and see what devastation really looks like for populations of people round the world and count yourself lucky you want for absolutely nothing.

But that is the whole issue isn’t it you need to speak up and say NO I am not feeling well I don’t want to do it or you do it

was your ex unappreciative as well so you didn’t have that with him

I think the problem is your expectations and their expectations are too far apart.

Tbh having someone scrubbing and repainting the house would have stressed me out. I would not want it done, nor found it necessary and having someone doing it would have made me feel I ought to do some while not wanting to do it. I think that makes sense.

If you don't want to make pie, then say so. "I am not feeling well, I'm going to lie down. If no one else is happy to make the pie, then do get a takeaway."
Gentle hints of what sounds like "not sure I should make the pie if I'm ill" would leave me thinking that you did want to make it, but were checking out what others feel.

It doesn't sound like they were mean or uncaring, simply that what you expected from hinting at them, was not what they thought you wanted.

Honestly, you sound like a martyr.

And you said it yourself, your cold was very mild. I think everyone's got a very mild cold at the moment, I know I have, plus an eye infection.

I think getting up at 4am to make cinnamon rolls was where you first went wrong. Especially as everyone would have been just as happy with rounds of bacon sandwiches, or even those rolls that come out of the can.

You've taken on this Cinderella role for yourself, but no one asked you to.

From my perspective i believe it is the difference between someone being actively looked after by someone (sister by bil) and passively (do you need anything? etc)

Are you single OP?