Had a cry over Christmas cause I feel like I only give and get not much back

[Propage]

I have a lovely family. Every one wanted to have a special Christmas this year. Ie we said we’ll spend a little more on Christmas gifts and foods. The house was decorated beautifully with some posh garlands.

Just for context I live with my parents after my divorce. They have a large home and hosted. Sisters and I decorated together at the beginning of December. It was a great day with cocktails and laughter.

I don’t know I just feel sad. Don’t get me wrong I WANTED to make nice meals like lasagna, steak and ale pie etc so we could enjoy a meal together with wine. And just sit and relax together.

But one day I was at the height of a very mild cold we all sort of have (23rd). Not feeling amazing. I tried hinting I really wasn’t feeling cooking. Everyone was like “no we trust you are hygienic and will wash your hands”. So I just soldiered on as I wanted everyone to have a nice meal together.

Christmas day. I was up at 4 am prepping my cinnamon rolls (couldn’t sleep so thought I’ll just death them out the way and have a nice lie in). Couldn’t end up sleeping again. Had a nice breakfast opening presents. Within mins sister (mains cooker) who has been fine all morning says she is not feeling well and will have a nap before starting. So I offered to help. Ended up doing the whole meal with some people chipping in here and there.

Sister’s husband is running around after sister with pain killers, blankets, hot water bottles. I obviously got next to no attention. It’s fine. Obviously I chose this. I genuinely enjoy sitting around with a lovely meal. And I enjoy making puds. I want my family to feel loved and spoiled. But equally I would love to receive that too.

Got a wonderful expensive gift. So people
have made an effort

Just had a cry. Feel unloved even though my family is lovely. Someone did run out to the pharmacy for me. I feel like I give but have no one looking after me. It’s all one sided. I’m a nice person.

I mean everyone pitched in. But I feel like I’m always the one picking up the slack with the shittest jobs. Ie scrubbed the whole house. Others did more of the fun jobs ie wrap in front of the tv.

My mum has arthritis so is limited to what she can do.

Saying you have no safety net while living with your parents in their huge gorgeous house after your divorce is pretty tone deaf. When I got divorced I moved into a tiny one bed shit hole flat I made the best of in a row of other sad divorced people. I hosted my family for Christmas in the world’s smallest kitchen and it was bloody lovely.

I'm dead old now and have learnt that people are not mind readers. You have to state your needs, but be mindful that you can't always expect them to be met. And there is a touch of the martyr in your post, if you don't want to do it don't do it! And if you do something, do it out of love with nothing expected back. Saying that I am a single mum with a chronic illness and a full time job, and I sometimes take to my bed and have a little whimper cos I want my mam to look after me, but she's long dead. Nothing wrong with wanting to be looked after sometimes.

I'll make no assumptions and ask no questions about your previous marriage as that is not being discussed here.

I do think the type of consideration and effort you're looking for generally comes from a partner rather than siblings/in-laws.
Probably the care your BIL was showing to your poorly sister only emphasised what you dont have at the moment.

You sound like you have a lovely family who care for you very much but can sometimes be a bit thoughtless. Im sure they would be gutted if they knew you felt like this. Perhaps better communication is called for kindly telling them how you feel i think they willl be surprised but always worth reminding them you need caring for too. Take Care

Good starting point is to stop hinting ever. Just say what’s happening.
Hinting is utterly pointless

Dear @Propage - you sound lovely and this just sounds like you're feeling it as a divorcee in your first Xmas. I'm used to it now but your post did make me think of those feelings of connection you have with a partner, maybe a special gift, someone just keeping an eye on you ... something you don't get as a single woman/ divorcee. It does feel lonely and like you're on your own in the first few Xmasses and birthdays.

take care xx

People are being quite mean, the OP is obviously struggling. I’m sorry you’re having a bit of a rubbish time OP. May I suggest cracking open a bottle, nothing like the temporary fix of a red wine blanket :-)

I understand how you're feeling, I was single when both my sisters were married/had children, I was ignored by our parents while they were fussed over, at one point my mum made cups of tea for everyone except me; I was forgotten about!! I wouldn't bloody tolerate that now, I'd advocate for myself, and you need to do the same! Stand up for yourself, make your voice heard, think about whether you really want to take on all the work, because you can be sure that if you do, other people will let you. I was constantly told as a child to put other people first ( not good for girls to be told this!!) and after a life time of people taking advantage of me, including friends & family, I started putting myself first, and i suggest you do the same. It's liberating.

Sorry about the wall of text!!

You're presumably living with your parents temporarily? So really it was them hosting in their house? So why does it default to you? If cinnamon buns don’t get made, does it really matter? You’ve built up the importance of the little things - at the expense of recognising what’s really important.

I think you wanted to prove (to yourself?) that you could host an amazing and perfect Christmas despite being divorced. And you wanted recognition from them that YOU WERE AMAZING AND CHRISTMAS WAS AMAZING AND IT WAS ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!

But if they just don’t get done then so what 🤷‍♀️. The house does not need scrubbing. You didn’t need to get up at 4am to make cinnamon rolls. You could have said explicitly that you were too ill to cook and going to have a nap.

You sound like you’re the only person that cares about certain elements of the day, and that you were trying way too hard to make everything “perfect”. If you want to do that that’s fine, but you have to accept that others just aren’t bothered, so it’s 100% your choice and you don’t get to feel annoyed that you’ve chosen to do too much.

I think going forward you need to communicate better. I feel for you but I also find your posts infuriating as I can’t stand people expecting me to get that they don’t want to do something when they say they do. I find it stressful and it actually makes me quite angry! Sorry I left my crystal ball at home! So you coughing away whilst making the pie would have irritated me immensely “no I’m fine”….

Some people OP are just not that great at making others feel loved and spoiled -I personally don’t like that kind of fuss - my idea of love and spoiling others is making those nice meals and if I don’t feel great I don’t want people fussing round me -consequently I don’t much fuss over others too . Your family aren’t mind readers , if you appear to be fine and a mild cold isn’t really a big deal in the scheme of things then maybe they think you enjoy the ‘making stuff’ - being in charge of that -some people do . If you really don’t feel up to it you really need to speak up, not do it all and then moan and maybe you’ve always been a ‘soldier on’ person and others didn’t realise you were struggling a bit -

You are a professional moaner op. They did all the right things and still seem wrong to you. You do sound like someone hard to please.

There are some tasks that if you don’t do them, they don’t get done. How bad would it be if they didn’t get done?

it’s not easy but one way forward to to send more effort deciding together who is going to do what, and what’s a priority and what isn’t.

it’s not easy but it is very simple.

It’s does require being very clear in communicating your desires and needs. When you had a cold and didn’t fancy cooking, solid you say that clearly or did you hide behind ‘joy sure you are hygienic enough to cook’. You will find that you can determine to an extend how people respond. Try using ChatGPT to see how people will respond to different what’s you explain things.

I do wonder if it feels difficult for you because of the couples as well, you mentioned your sisters husband taking care of her and it must be hard not to have that, having been divorced and moving back to your parents. It sounds like your family are loving and supportive in the typical way, and you probably miss the support of a partner because that's different. I think if you don't want to do the cooking you're doing, stop offering and be more direct - sorry guys I can't make the pie today.