to be pissed off that my MIL is annoyed that my 15mo can talk?

[Spottedmirror]

My 15mo is becoming a chatty little thing. Lots of new words by the day and happily starting to sing the odd word on a song “quick, quick, quick” in Polly had a Dolly or “inkle!” in Twinkle Twinkle, that kind of thing.

LO is our PFB after over a decade of trying so we are VERY proud, but I’m very careful not to be too overbearing (I know how wearing that is on other people) whilst still remaining encouraging. Lots of “yes that’s right shoes” when she points at shoes and whatever else - surely just normal parenting?
(and if anything I think I consciously keep my voice down when parenting outside our home because I’m always so aware that I might hurt someone who wants a baby but isn’t where we are now).

SIL is coming back from Australia for an extended stay. We have yet to meet her little one who is 3 (due to being mid-miscarriage when they were last here). Her 3yo is a very active and happy child by all accounts but as yet doesn’t speak.

MIL is very annoyed that my LO can speak and is picking things up rapidly. Each time we FaceTime she is outright annoyed that my child is chatting away with us.
She sighs, rolls her eyes and says things like “she doesn’t stop talking!” and makes snide remarks like “maybe Mummy talks too much!” or “mummy should turn your pram round so you two aren’t always chatting!”

On Boxing Day via FaceTime she hinted that when we visit her house and DIL is there, we should try not to encourage our child to talk.
She was insinuating that our 15 month old was showing off.

I understand that BIL and DIL are possibly concerned about potential issues but that shouldn’t be taken out on our small child.

I was a bit shocked last night by the hints on the phone call and I was working last night so I’ve stewed over it a bit.
Surely I’m not unreasonable feel pissed off by this?

EDIT: should add if I wasn’t out the door to work as the call was happening, I’d have probably told her to repeat what she had said.

My child had the same occurrence where 3 different languages were being spoken around her and she was 3.5 before she could put sentences together. She is a chatterbox now and completely fluent in 2 of them as we moved from the place where the 3rd one was being spoken .

My son didn't talk properly until he was 3 although he did communicate effectively with signs. Our health visitor wasn't at all concerned about his speech as she said that the important thing to look at is the communication. When he did start talking it was in full sentences and he is doing very well at school.

My daughter was talking at 1. She is also doing well at school. Probably not such a high flier as him but both passed their 11+ etc.

So my conclusion is - so long as everyone is happy and communicating in one way or another I wouldn't worry. Kids do different things at different times. Apparently Winston Churchill didn't talk until he was about 6.

MIL sounds awful. Favouring SIL and being awful to your H and now you, and about your tiny DC.

Why when there is history of your in laws treating your H like this and MiL is now doing this are you and your H doing so much for MiL?

It’s good your H is in therapy, but him doing loads for his parents despite such treatment and feeling guilty for avoiding a sibling he dislikes suggests that he could still be acting out of fear, obligation and guilt (FOG)

I wouldn’t be going. In fact, I’d be seriously distancing myself and DD from MiL on a permanent basis. She certainly wouldn’t be getting an opportunity to treat your DD like she treated your DH. If she isn’t capable of being concerned for one child, while being happy for another, then there is something wrong with her. One child shouldn’t be squished so nobody notices that the other isn’t progressing as quickly. That’s insane.

But if you do go, and if she so much as looks sideways at your DD, I’d say ‘Now, now MiL, we don’t want a screaming row over Christmas, do we?’. If that doesn’t stop her, then a big ‘Right, that’s us done. DH, we’ll wait in the car until you’ve said your goodbyes. Nice to see you SiL, safe journey home’. Then pick her up and walk out the door.

I suspect this kind of dynamic is fairly common. I know at least 2 similar cases. People are tribal and a woman is always going to be closer to her own daughter than to a DIL. Unpleasant for you though OP.

I think your child's precocious speach is a bit of a red herring. There seems to be at least two issues here. One your DH's separation from his sister and her family, which I'm guessing he wants to correct and the other is the toxic behaviour of your MIL. On the first, can you see SIL without MIL? It may be a better way to re-establish a relationship without it being torpedoed by MIL. The next is trickier but your MIL needs to be calmly called out in her behiour. EG Ask her why she rolled her eyes? Etc. If DH is in therapy because of this woman, he may not be strong enough to challenge her, but for the sake of your child, you should. If she won't change her behaviour, then some distance would be good thing.

I think your child's precocious speach is a bit of a red herring. There seems to be at least two issues here. One your DH's separation from his sister and her family, which I'm guessing he wants to correct and the other is the toxic behaviour of your MIL. On the first, can you see SIL without MIL? It may be a better way to re-establish a relationship without it being torpedoed by MIL. The next is trickier but your MIL needs to be calmly called out in her behiour. EG Ask her why she rolled her eyes? Etc. If DH is in therapy because of this woman, he may not be strong enough to challenge her, but for the sake of your child, you should. If she won't change her behaviour, then some distance would be good thing.

You sound like a kind and considerate person OP - especially regarding sensitivities for those who would like a child but have been unable to. I therefore think you would naturally adjust your behaviour to be sensitive to other people’s feelings - so your MILs comments can no way be because of anything you have done or said. She just sounds unreasonable. Maybe just see SILs family for a short time initially (ideally without MIL) and have an exit strategy ready just in case. Meeting outside of the house might also help to diffuse any tensions and reduce the nasty comments from
MIL if she’s there

That’s really not normal behaviour. My DS was an early talker and I was conscious of it with friends kids but their kids were potty trained before mine, or solved jigsaws etc before mine and I always made a point of recognising that. They all learn at different stages and if your MIL expects to you to slow down or discourage her learning and chatting, she needs to give her head a wobble!!

Insane. Id probably say something like "did you really just say..."? " what a syrabge thing to say. It's sounds like you want to hold dc back"?

What did you mean by that?

@Spottedmirror congrats on your baby. After 10 years of wishing for them to make an appearance you enjoy your little chatterbox and mil can piss off.
All mine (I have 4) have been developmentally behind and all are ND but at no point did that mean I felt my friends DC who were thriving with their development were showing off. What utterly bollocks.

Your MIL is insane!

I feel for your SIL as that’s very worrying, a child not speaking at 3 and will have to be addressed but each child is different and yours is yapping away, so this should be encouraged by all parties. I thought GP would be happy to be able to easily interact more.

The only reason I could think of, which could be the cause of her insanity, is that she’s worried sick about the 3yo and with yours talking so early it’s highlighting her deep concerns.

@Spottedmirror Really weird to try to discourage talking in a baby or toddler, as it's associated with brain development. What an unusual woman.

I would try to see SIL without MIL if that’s possible?

I’d be giving her very odd looks at each ‘hint’. Maybe SIL will have something to say to her- my eldest was a very late talker but I’d never have tolerated such nonsense on our behalf.

Is she British and you are not British? Reason I asked is because I had similar and I’m foreign. Some people can’t understand that is foreigners are not complete idiots.

Mil is being strange. Children do things at different rates and tbh they all catch up in a couple of years. Mil has had children so knows that. My dd wasn't keen to talk to anyone outside the family and didn't really talk until 3 although she said words but she was running up hills at 11 months. Now aged 9 she won't shut up and chats to everyone confidently and her vocabulary is amazing. Your mil must know that unless there's a known reason her other dgc will be chatting ten to the dozen before she knows it and to enjoy her 15 month old chatting now. Hope you had a good Christmas despite your mil strange response to your dd.

On Boxing Day via FaceTime she hinted that when we visit her house and DIL is there, we should try not to encourage our child to talk.

My DB is the golden child and SIL has been put up on a pedestal since they met. They had many years of fertility treatment which was still without success when i was pregnant (after just 3 months trying, so a sore point with my mother from the outset). At a family gathering my mother took me aside and told me i had to not be too obvious about my pregnancy as SIL would get upset. I was 34 weeks and measuring 3 weeks big for dates at the time!!

You can't reason with your MIL or by mother's nonsense. You either go and crack on, or excuse yourself from the invite.

Your MIL is probably worried about her daughter's child and is perhaps too emotionally immature to handle it or verbalise it.

I'm afraid your visits/calls will always be strained until the little one starts talking.
Its now up to you to decide what your visits look like from here on in.

You really don't want your DD being shut down as she tries to communicate.

You're not being unreasonable at all OP. My MIL is exactly the same with my SIL (who we're actually nc with now). My SIL is a single mum, not through choice and has one child. We've got three children and we've had to diminish ourselves down over the years to make SIL feel good about herself because MIL is petrified of SIL feeling inadequate or sad about her situation. It's absolutely batshit.

Our house is 'too noisy' with 3 children, because, of course, one child is the perfect number. When we told MIL we were going on a cruise she was visibly disappointed because SIL would be upset that she couldn't go on a cruise. Every single achievement is dismissed but we're sure to be told every little thing her other grandson does! Honestly, the list goes on....

Can you arrange to see them without mil? I would call up your sulz explain that mil is being ridiculous but ultimately making you feel like you can't see them in her presence but obviously you would love to see them away from the drama.

I would just say “gosh, how rude!”

I’ve had this from relatives, but not so closely related as a mil. It started just as you described, then we got lots of “Your child’s showing off/precocious” like comments, then as time went on they blanked the children - literally. Just acted like they were not there. As the kids grew up we never said anything about their achievements or grades etc for fear of annoying the relatives, but they are the first to boast about their offsprings’ successes. You just have to be the bigger person and take it on the chin.

Ha, I was one of the kids who did exactly that!

I am indeed v clever (academically), but on the other hand I also very much have autism. Which can often coincide with this pattern of speech acquisition.

OP mentions that her DN is growing up in a trilingual household, though, so that might easily account for being a late talker.

Well no ,not all of them do catch up thats the point, not being able to talk at three is a large concern
Some will develop speech and some wont which might be linked to other developmentsl delays.