to be pissed off that my MIL is annoyed that my 15mo can talk?

[Spottedmirror]

My 15mo is becoming a chatty little thing. Lots of new words by the day and happily starting to sing the odd word on a song “quick, quick, quick” in Polly had a Dolly or “inkle!” in Twinkle Twinkle, that kind of thing.

LO is our PFB after over a decade of trying so we are VERY proud, but I’m very careful not to be too overbearing (I know how wearing that is on other people) whilst still remaining encouraging. Lots of “yes that’s right shoes” when she points at shoes and whatever else - surely just normal parenting?
(and if anything I think I consciously keep my voice down when parenting outside our home because I’m always so aware that I might hurt someone who wants a baby but isn’t where we are now).

SIL is coming back from Australia for an extended stay. We have yet to meet her little one who is 3 (due to being mid-miscarriage when they were last here). Her 3yo is a very active and happy child by all accounts but as yet doesn’t speak.

MIL is very annoyed that my LO can speak and is picking things up rapidly. Each time we FaceTime she is outright annoyed that my child is chatting away with us.
She sighs, rolls her eyes and says things like “she doesn’t stop talking!” and makes snide remarks like “maybe Mummy talks too much!” or “mummy should turn your pram round so you two aren’t always chatting!”

On Boxing Day via FaceTime she hinted that when we visit her house and DIL is there, we should try not to encourage our child to talk.
She was insinuating that our 15 month old was showing off.

I understand that BIL and DIL are possibly concerned about potential issues but that shouldn’t be taken out on our small child.

I was a bit shocked last night by the hints on the phone call and I was working last night so I’ve stewed over it a bit.
Surely I’m not unreasonable feel pissed off by this?

EDIT: should add if I wasn’t out the door to work as the call was happening, I’d have probably told her to repeat what she had said.

It sounds very much like the two siblings, your DH and his Sister have problems as adults getting along.
Your mentioning you both knowing they are coming home from Australia then deliberately booking a holiday so you don't have to see them is really odd behaviour from both of you as well.
Has he actually met his nephew yet? Does he want to?
Can he not meet his Sister and her family on his own for a couple of hours so the situation doesn't arise where its everyone together at the same time?
It seems to me you are focusing far too much on the problem being your talkitive DD and not on the fact you have a DH with a Sibling problem which I'm sure your MIL is very aware of and is worried about.
You and your DH talking about his DS being the "Golden Child" when you are all adults now with children of your own is a red flag.
Don't let it all become one big mess of who's grandchild is the best etc.

Let me guess... She's the mum of the Australian lady with the non-speaking 3yo, and you're married to the much-less favoured son?

Obviously she's being psychotic, and when people are that bat-shit, the only thing you can do is ignore it and/or reduce contact to a tolerance level that suits yourselves.

Fair enough, but the poster who was called an idiot for not understanding causes of speech and language problems wasn't talking about children not speaking by three, but the increase in children with S&L problems coming into school.

Edit - apologies, I was wrong. She did talk about delays rather than difficulties.

This is an incredibly interesting (and, I think, truthful) post. Thanks for sharing it, @Daaaaahling.

your husband is clearly not The Golden Child

Following this thread to find out how on earth MIL expects you to stop your child from talking. I need the trick to shut my two up

OK, now I've seen that she's always favoured SIL, it's obviously a continuation of that, and maybe rather than devaluing a grand-daughter, she's being batshit enough to see your DD as a 'rival' of some kind to her daughter. Because some women seem to have this thing about pitting women/girls against themselves or one another.

I dont think you understand what psychotic means.

MIL is batshit.

SIL needs to address why her child is not speaking at 3 years of age as that is not normal.

You do not need to adjust any aspect of how you parent your child to facilitate the crazy lady.

Call MIL out every time when she makes snippy comments, throw a few ‘did you mean to be so rude’ ‘sorry I don’t understand what you mean please explain’ and a tinkly laugh followed by a single ‘no’ and a fixed stare should sort it all out.

I really recommend you read @Daaaaahling ’s post, which talks about the golden child/scapegoat dynamic. It’s a well-recognized and written about phenomena, with plenty of scientific papers published on the topic. Here’s an overview of how it works, as it’s a very, VERY common feature of narcissistic families (often narcissistic mothers).
https://www.amandarobinspsychotherapy.com.au/articles/scapegoat-vs-golden-child-raised-by-narcissists

But no, respectfully, I don’t think ignoring the dynamic that the MIL created and is re-enforcing will help the situation. The only hope for OP’s DH’s adult sibling relationship with his sister is to build a relationship independent of, and spend time together without, their mother. I don’t know if it’s an option right now, but it might be the best way forward @Spottedmirror

I wouldn’t want DD hearing things about her being too forward or not for little girls. They are like sponges and absorb everything. Really smacks of milk thinking little girls should know their place. Interesting DN is a boy.
If DN is in a multilingual house it may be reason for his later speech. But whatever reason it’s not for you to squash dd down.

@zingally , Overview - Psychosis - NHS

I was born 11 weeks premature. I didn't take my first steps until I was 2 years old, but was talking much earlier. My point is that all children are individual and develop at different rates. Yes, it's unusual for your SIL's child not to be talking at 3, and as a parent I would be concerned. However, your MIL shouldn't be expecting you to control how much your child is talking!! That's not only weird it's ridiculous! It's not your child's fault, that her cousin can't talk, no more than it's yours. Most Mum's talk to their children, so to suggest you are 'talking too much' to your child is utterly daft. Your husband should be having a conversation with his Mum, because she's being unreasonable and unrealistic.

DIL is very much the best child EVER! Whereas we are just the people who do every thing for this woman.

Then stop doing so much!

Why does she need so much doing?

I'd tell your husband to visit alone.

Wouldn't be giving MIL a chance at all to say anything negative.

This is awful OP. My DD was a late talker, she was almost 2 (around 22 months ish) and the only thing she was saying was ‘oh no’. We were just on the verge of looking into a referral for speech and language, and then the month before her second birthday, the words just started coming out in full sentences, non stop. She’s now almost 38 months and is talking non stop, in full sentences, with a vocabulary better than some adults!

My parents, and in laws, are absolutely thrilled. My mum regularly tells me that listening to my DD chatter away, telling her all about what she’s doing, the birds outside, her little make believe games she’s playing, is one of her favourite things in the world. I know that young children talking, especially when it’s non stop, can grate on some people, but it really shouldn’t grate on their own grandparents! Your MIL should be absolutely thrilled to hear your child chatting away, and should be encouraging it, not trying to shut it down! The fact that her grandson isn’t talking at 3 may well be cause for concern for her, but she absolutely should not be taking it out on your daughter. I’m not sure I would be happy to have my child around her if that’s the way she’s treating her. I think your DH needs to speak to her, and her reaction to that would determine whether I would be continuing the FaceTimes and visits.

I obviously don’t know any of these people so could be completely wrong. But I wonder if misogyny is coming into this? Little boys are to be encouraged, little girls are to be hushed and contained. Maybe not if she prefers her daughter to her son but I have seen families where forward little girls were frowned upon or diminished as showing off or bossy.
I’d keep my daughter away from it regardless of the source, to be honest.
Good luck, it doesn’t sound easy OP.

DD spoke fluently by a year, DN didn’t speak until he was 3.5 (then just started speaking in fluent sentences virtually over night). As teenager and young adult, watching them yesterday you would never guess there was any difference between them developmentally. It nearly always levels out.

But your MIL is batshit - please don’t do anything to curb your DD’s chatter or apologise for her growing vocabulary because that behaviour is seriously insane!

This. The visit could be really upsetting for your sister and bil, and Grandma is clumsily trying to limit the hurt which will inevitably surface.

Great post, I totally agree. I've been through something very similar with my MIL. Once you understand the golden child/scapegoat/lost child dynamic it all falls into place. Its not something you can fix, you can take steps to mitigate the level of harm that they're allowed to inflict upon you and your children but often going totally no contact is the only way to deal with it unfortunately.

However, it also sounds more complex than that with her favouring your sil over your dh.
Hard hats on. Short visit. Tru not to rise to mils levels of anxiety. Tinkly laugh. 'Oh mil, all children are different. Dn will be fluent in 3 languages soon. We don't all have to be the same.'

Bat shit crazy mil i would kerp away

The answer to this. Yours is the child of her DIL and son, the other GC is the child of her DAUGHTER and SIL. It’s as simple as that.

She’s crackers. Her concern should be whats wrong with her GC in Australia. There should be NO attempt to hold your child back. Crack on OP.

I wouldn’t let MIL anywhere near your child as she will ruin her self esteem at a crucial age.

Have a VERY stern word with her, and make it clear that if she doesn’t pack it in, she won’t be seeing your DC. Make sure your DH backs you up.

Just ignore MIL, unless you plan to spend really extended time with her, or have her babysit regularly your child won't have time to be damaged by her. She is obviously worried about her grandson and sadly she is probably right to be. I would expect a 3 year olds language to be way beyond that of an 18 month old. Obviously her comments aren't ok, but unpacking her fears is probably more hassle than it's worth. Also she probably feels a bit trapped. She won't want to comment on 3 year olds lack of language if his parents haven't yet acknowledged his problems, so she wants to make the whole thing go away, which she can't if your son is serving as a constant reminder.

Me too! My PILs often talked about which was the favourite child/grandchild.

If I mentioned any kind of minor achievement my children had like they had passed a martial arts belt, she’d completely ignore it, not ask one question of me or congratulate the child and start talking immediately about some success by the favoured children. None of them had learning difficulties or delays, they were just the favoured GC of the favoured child/DiL.

I ended up bringing up my children more often just to provoke her into it as I knew what was coming and found it amusing (although it was hurtful early on).

Definitely don’t let her put your child down though or minimise her in any way. If she continues to do that you’ll have to go NC.