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Original poster

Friend christmas gift - feel awful - wwyd

120 replies

Christmasmirraclee · 27/12/2025 00:14

What would you do

My friend always buys all of our friends gifts - engagement, birthday, new job, baby, christmas, birthday etc.

I appreciate she has spent time and money but she usually buys gifts i dont want or like. I feel awful saying but I have regifted some in the past - strange flavoured gin Liqueurs (thistle, banana), childish sets like coca cola or sherbert scented candles, body wash, etc. Coasters saying something like "its wine o clock" or some sign usually saying something like "if friends were flowers id pick you". She usually buys my partner (46 yo) a lynx set. I never buy her husband a gift. Please dont think I'm being nasty, I'm not.

I usually buy a bottle of wine, chocolates and a nice candle or nice scarf.. something like that. Or a voucher. Anyway, she mentioned spending a fortune on my newborn baby and I decided to buy her hubby something as me, husband and baby would probably all get gifts.

Whilst in tesco last week with my baby, who wasnt very happy being out and about so was crying whilst I was doing christmas shopping I decided I had enough of christmas shopping and would get my friends gift from tesco. I bought wine, bath salts and a book. I felt like I hadn't put much effort into it but was a bit rushed and stressed with the business and my crying baby. I just wanted to go home.

Anyway, when we meet, she hands me a massive gift bag for newborn, ted baker shirt for my husband and a jo malone gift bag for me. I was slightly taken aback due to previous gifts. Yesterday morning I opened it and there was at least £150 of products. I am at hugge jo malone fan but very surprised and feel awful about buying pressies from tesco (i probably spent £20, which she usually spends the same on me).

I feel awful, would you buy a thank you gift (where does it stop) or tell her to have some gifts back as its too much.

She is a carer on a pt wage so I know she doesnt have a huge amount of money but she's spent around £250 on myself, my dh and baby.

OP posts:
HappyOctober · 27/12/2025 00:25

This sounds really difficult, I’ve been in similar situations where I didn’t want to get into exchanging gifts in the first place but it happens and then escalates, I feel bad like you, but regifting is a good thing for the world and you can’t keep everything someone gives you whether or not you like it!

Have you read that book about Love Languages? I would guess hers is gifts, it might be worth looking into to get an understanding of her position. I wonder if there is a nice way to explain you really love her but your ways of showing it differ…

also congratulations on the baby and getting anything done on top of having a newborn is an achievement. Does she have kids? Maybe she’s not expecting anything this year if she knows what it’s like having a small baby…. I’d say send a lovely thank you (but I would feel pressured that it’s all got out of hand- I also hate the whole thing of giving gifts for the sake of it when some people can’t afford to buy food 😕So my answer might not be very sympathetic )- anyway hopefully some others will have better advice.

Original poster
Christmasmirraclee · 27/12/2025 00:29

I know but as much as all the gifts are lovely I feel slightly uncomfortable given i know her financial situation (she is open about her salary and pay etc) and what I bought her in return. We usually spend around £20 (maybe £30) on gifts so this year I'm really taken back. I love her but feel a bit awkward

OP posts:
174ghxt · 27/12/2025 01:42

I may be totally wrong here, but she sounds a bit needy/insecure? If her gifts are so generous and you think she probably can't afford it? If I were you I would be upfront. If you love her, tell her that. Say, "Friend, I feel awkward, the baby was crying, I got something quickly and now you've been so generous, I feel a bit overwhelmed. You really don't have to spend so much." See how she responds. If she persists with the gifts, you'll feel less guilty about regifting or donating. But if you say you love her, you really value her, maybe she'll feel secure enough to scale back, eventually. Or maybe not. She might just love shopping!

NansCheeseFlan · 27/12/2025 02:32

We had someone like this in our group. Extravagant gifts not matching her income, all very awkward. Turned out she was shop lifting and gifting things she had stolen.

Maybe just tell her that your New Year’s resolution is not things, but experiences. You want to spend money on afternoon teas with a friend, or cinema etc instead of a physical gift as you get to spend time with them then.

Anywherebuthere · 27/12/2025 02:42

Christmasmirraclee · 27/12/2025 00:29

I know but as much as all the gifts are lovely I feel slightly uncomfortable given i know her financial situation (she is open about her salary and pay etc) and what I bought her in return. We usually spend around £20 (maybe £30) on gifts so this year I'm really taken back. I love her but feel a bit awkward

I have had to kindly return gifts in the past. Not because I didn't like them or the person giving them but I felt like a line had to be drawn somewhere or it gets a bit out of hand.

It made it easier for next time.

I would keep a token one or two and return the rest.

ItsNotMeEither · 27/12/2025 03:06

Send a message to thank her, organise a lovely catch up, maybe a nice meal somewhere you would all enjoy and insist on paying as you value her friendship. Don't mention it having any relationship to the gift.

Next year, maybe have a conversation about the cost of living in general and put a price limit on gift giving to keep it reasonable for everyone. Or, next year, don't give gifts and switch the tradition to a nice catch up together somewhere. I like that as s gift because I see my friends and I don't have to find any more space to put something at home.

Icecreamisthebest · 27/12/2025 03:19

I’d find a time next year to suggest that you both just buy for the DC or buy for no one and instead go out for a lovely meal or cocktails or whatever she likes. If you find a good moment you can really sell it to her as something that benefits you - you want nice events to look forward to at Xmas, you want quality time with her or whatever.

And also let her know that you treasure the friendship. She clearly treasures it too

IridiumSky · 27/12/2025 03:22

Your friend is mad.

Probably not much you can do.

SheSaidHummingbird · 27/12/2025 03:47

No. Your gift to her sounds really lovely and generous. What she gifts, where she shops and how much she spends is her choice. Friendship isn't transactional.

BTW - How the bloody hell did you wrangle wine, bath salts and a book for £20ish? Even a clubcard wouldn't do it.

CranberryCandyCane · 27/12/2025 03:56

Is it possible she’s re-gifted you stuff she already had? I re-gifted Jo Malone stuff worth about £100 to a relative when we usually just do token gifts worth a couple of pounds. My relative was aware it was a re-gift though so there was no awkwardness and it was something they really like.

Mabobsleigh · 27/12/2025 04:39

SheSaidHummingbird · 27/12/2025 03:47

No. Your gift to her sounds really lovely and generous. What she gifts, where she shops and how much she spends is her choice. Friendship isn't transactional.

BTW - How the bloody hell did you wrangle wine, bath salts and a book for £20ish? Even a clubcard wouldn't do it.

That's pretty easy in Tesco is it not? £8 for wine, £5 for bath salts, £5 for a book

MamsKnit · 27/12/2025 04:48

I feel differently to most on here. Is this your first baby? If so she sounds absolutely thrilled for you and wants to celebrate. I would let it go. She doesn’t sound like a tit for tat gifter - she doesn’t seem to give in order to receive a gift in return and this is the first time she has spent so much. I would let her be.

TheSandgroper · 27/12/2025 05:08

I’m quite bolshy so I would take her out on a quiet day and have strong words. What she is doing is inappropriate unless her husband is earning an absolute fortune post tax.

My strong words would include the word “counselling”.

It would then be up to her what she does with your discussion.

Fbfbfvfvv · 27/12/2025 05:10

I think it’s only really a problem if you are transactional with gift giving and give to receive.

You might “know” her income, but you aren’t going to know everything. She could have won the jo malone stuff in a Christmas raffle for all you know, regifted the shirt and just gone a bit overboard with the baby, which I think a lot of people do. Or she could have had a bonus, or cash in hand for something, or a money gift from her family.

You are overthinking this I think. Accept the gifts graciously and forget about it. Although, I think if you dig deeper this is probably more about your guilt at just grabbing any old thing for her in Tesco, than it is about her extravagance.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 27/12/2025 05:14

Oh dear. She’s being silly and unless she has some money you don’t know about she will likely get into debt for this. Whatever you do don’t start spending more.

Ohpleeeease · 27/12/2025 05:28

Just say “Friend, thank you for your lovely gifts but you are far too generous! We don’t need or want you to spend so much on us, your friendship is enough. Let’s make a pact to keep the gifts low key from now on and do some lovely things together instead!”

ParallelLimes · 27/12/2025 05:43

I'd be concerned she's got some sort of spending problem. She's got eyes bigger than her wallet. The next thing will be that she's in loads of debt and needs a bung from you to fix it, and you'll feel obliged because she partly frittered her money on expensive stuff for you.

MrsVBS · 27/12/2025 05:48

Tell her you feel awkward as you had to rush to get something and her present is more than generous and ask if she would like the gifts back, she’ll probably say no but at least you’ve offered then say going forward now you have a baby can you both cut back on gifts and perhaps do a lunch out or an afternoon tea.

Hufflemuff · 27/12/2025 06:07

Maybe the gifts were from Vinted so not as much as you are imaging?

Pipsquiggle · 27/12/2025 06:13

It does sound completely OTT.
Does she have other people/ family in her life?
First of all you don't do anything different, keep the £20 limit - this is normal for a good friend.
A PP suggested experiences rather than gifts - this is good as long as she doesn't go OTT again.
If she is a good friend, could you ask her about her finances and gift giving? If you know she doesn't earn a lot why is she spending so much money on you? I don't spend that much on my own family.

BadgernTheGarden · 27/12/2025 06:16

The baby gifts are fine it's a new baby and people do push the boat out, and maybe an extra gift for you as a new mum, for DH as well going a bit far. Just say thank you. If she has a special event this year reciprocate then?

SparklyGlitterballs · 27/12/2025 06:24

I would extend a thank you. Whether that's face to face or a card is up to you. I'd also find time to have a conversation about the gift giving. Maybe say that with being new parents, you're finding it stressful and expensive gifting for friends, so ask if you could agree to restrict it to just cards going forwards.

Snaffle76 · 27/12/2025 06:28

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neleh87 · 27/12/2025 06:33

I find when you exchange gifts between friends every year, it all balances out over time. There's been years I've just done a token gift and received something expensive, and vice versa.

Also you've just had a baby, I think she wants to spoil you. It's up to her what she spends, especially as she never usually spends this much.

On a side note, I would definitely try thistle gin haha.

BurnTheWholeThingDown · 27/12/2025 06:33

I have had issues for twenty years with my SIL and overgifting. Expensive but awful presents. Often clothes with tags still on, that are not anything I would wear. Occasionally expensive gift sets. Lots and lots of plastic home decor stuff (illuminated live laugh love signs etc).

A couple of years ago I decided to take the clothes back to the shops to get refunds rather than charity them. Mainly Next and M&S. They were all such old stock they didn’t exist, or I got £1 back. I now assume it all comes from her hoard of clothes and maybe regifts for the other stuff. Weirdly this year for my birthday she gave me the same expensive (lovely) candle set as our other SIL gave me, so I know that was a regift (not bothered in the slightest as it’s lovely).

But the sheer volume of gifts is actually unpleasant to receive. I’m talking about a black bin bag sized pile every time, maybe eight to ten things individually wrapped. This used to be for each of us until a few years ago when she randomly stopped buying for my children and husband and now it’s just me who gets the big pile.

I don’t understand the motivation and now I just sigh and bag up the unwanted stuff for the hospice shop.

It’s a weird thing to explain to people without coming across as ungrateful but it mildly upsets me every year.

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