Friend christmas gift - feel awful - wwyd

[Christmasmirraclee]

What would you do

My friend always buys all of our friends gifts - engagement, birthday, new job, baby, christmas, birthday etc.

I appreciate she has spent time and money but she usually buys gifts i dont want or like. I feel awful saying but I have regifted some in the past - strange flavoured gin Liqueurs (thistle, banana), childish sets like coca cola or sherbert scented candles, body wash, etc. Coasters saying something like "its wine o clock" or some sign usually saying something like "if friends were flowers id pick you". She usually buys my partner (46 yo) a lynx set. I never buy her husband a gift. Please dont think I'm being nasty, I'm not.

I usually buy a bottle of wine, chocolates and a nice candle or nice scarf.. something like that. Or a voucher. Anyway, she mentioned spending a fortune on my newborn baby and I decided to buy her hubby something as me, husband and baby would probably all get gifts.

Whilst in tesco last week with my baby, who wasnt very happy being out and about so was crying whilst I was doing christmas shopping I decided I had enough of christmas shopping and would get my friends gift from tesco. I bought wine, bath salts and a book. I felt like I hadn't put much effort into it but was a bit rushed and stressed with the business and my crying baby. I just wanted to go home.

Anyway, when we meet, she hands me a massive gift bag for newborn, ted baker shirt for my husband and a jo malone gift bag for me. I was slightly taken aback due to previous gifts. Yesterday morning I opened it and there was at least £150 of products. I am at hugge jo malone fan but very surprised and feel awful about buying pressies from tesco (i probably spent £20, which she usually spends the same on me).

I feel awful, would you buy a thank you gift (where does it stop) or tell her to have some gifts back as its too much.

She is a carer on a pt wage so I know she doesnt have a huge amount of money but she's spent around £250 on myself, my dh and baby.

Yes, I get the needy/insecure vibes too

Had this at Christmas with a relative - for the last decade or more my gift from her has been a box of Thornton’s chocolates which I’d pass on to my husband as not a fan , in return I’ve spent a similar amount on a Christmas floral / planter - all good I guess til this year I opened up a £50 gift voucher. Thankfully mum always has a stash of suitable gifts and quickly wrapped a dressing gown and regifted a smelly set I’d received but it brings it home how silly it gets - I’ve suggested a few times to stop with adult gifts but it hasn’t been received well , mainly by family who receive a lot more from me than they give in return 😝

Maybe take her out for a nice dinner instead to avoid escalating but make it explicitly about how generous her gifts were?

I have noticed that people who are insecure often over compensate with gifts etc.

Just explain to her - thank her for generous gifts and show appreciation for her effort. Explain baby has meant very little time for prepping for xmas and xmas shopping. Suggest that you take her for a girls pamper to a spa or something - show her your graditide in a different way. Whilst at the spa maybe suggest a spend limit on each other and say you dont need all the gifts that you value her anyway

I worked with someone who was like this. Low income and over the top presents. In her case I think she was doing it to make people like her.

I probably wouldn't give anything back that she has given you already, but just be very clear on what you want to happen going forward.

Don’t feel bad. Her choice to spend that money, you don’t have to match it. Stick to your guns and budget. Gifts do not equal friendship.

This^^

I wouldn't take her out for lunch or a spa day tbh... then you're just upping the ante? Next year she'll buy you a car or something if you do that (JK, but you never know)!

You don't need to feel bad about it though. Just let her know it was really kind of her, but not necessary and set a budget next year or just stop doing presents

She's mad as you say, when does it stop?

Hopefully she'll only give you gifts worth £20 next time.

To be honest I’m confused about where she finds the money to spend £150 on several friends for every occasion, unless it was just a one off? On a part time carer wage especially it seems like she might be going without to make friends feel special. Unless she’s getting a massive discount from somewhere but unlikely if the Jo malone stuff was purchased in a Jo malone store.

Personally if she doesn’t accept the gifts back, I’d just say you consider it a birthday present for next year and that she does not need to get you anything next year for any occasion. Then refuse the gifts if she does continue. Cause although you like jo malone, sometimes gifts have strings attached and it’s easier not having the OTT gifts to begin with. Eg now you feel pressured to reciprocate etc

I’d feel so uncomfortable with this. I generally don’t do gifts either adults at all, it just seems a bit unnecessary. I think you need to have an honest chat

I would just like to say "Congratulations " on the birth of your child. Hope all went smoothly.....and sod presents, you just had a baby....

I’d definitely say something like this @Christmasmirraclee

My long term friends and I stopped getting presents for each other when the first one had a baby, we just buy for the kids. It was her suggestion not to buy for her just her kid. The first couple years she did get me and our other friend a present but we said not to. Her daughter is 12 years older than my child and friends had babies within that time. We stop at 18. Couple of them have step grandkids through their kids ' partners or remarrage themselves who I dont really know but I do get them kids a small gift. Once their kids i am close to have kids will buy presents.

We still do birthday presents between friends though but cap it at 20.00.

I still get for my nephews who are in 20s but the siblings we stopped ages ago.

I have had this situation from time to time, over the years. My advice is next Christmas to get your present to her really early, and give it in a gift bag, with just a bit of tissue, or unwrapped. So that you have quietly set the gifting level.
Another way would be to say that you are giving your present early because it's something that needs dealing with at once, eg. Garden bulbs, an Advent calalender etc.

We did the opposite in one of my friendship groups- we buy for each other not our kids as kids get loads of presents already and it's nice to get a gift from a friend x

It also avoids the resentment I feel with another friendship group where each of my friends has multiple children- one has five! I only have one so the gift giving is very unbalanced- amongst the group I buy 11 gifts and receive 3 in return.

I’d thank her and say what you’ve said here but if you don’t want to match that amount of £££ or have the time to put into choosing gifts I’d be honest going forward. It’s easier in the long run.
I’d possibly get a voucher so they could have a really nice meal and drink somewhere on this occasion as I would feel uncomfortable accepting the gifts, but that’s just me.

Over the years I have made it clear to all my friends and adult relatives that I don’t want presents and won’t be giving any. I’m never stressed about what to give and everyone seemed quite relieved that I broached the subject. Several had in fact suggested the same. It certainly hasn’t had an adverse effect on my relationships.

Return gifts!!Are you for real?Makes an awkward situation much worse. OP should just thank her for lovely gifts and ask her not to be so generous in future.
If I had a gift returned ,I would never speak to that person again. So so hurtful!

It was her choice to spend what she did so please don't return the gifts as that would seem really ungrateful. Thank her for them & maybe spend a bit extra on her Birthday gift if you can afford to. If you feel comfortable talking to her mention that you loved the gifts & appreciate them but ask that she doesn't spend as much going forward as you can't reciprocate spending as much for gifts. Explain with the cost of having a new baby money is tighter than previous years so you'll be now buying token, smaller gifts for family & friends.