Friend christmas gift - feel awful - wwyd

[Christmasmirraclee]

What would you do

My friend always buys all of our friends gifts - engagement, birthday, new job, baby, christmas, birthday etc.

I appreciate she has spent time and money but she usually buys gifts i dont want or like. I feel awful saying but I have regifted some in the past - strange flavoured gin Liqueurs (thistle, banana), childish sets like coca cola or sherbert scented candles, body wash, etc. Coasters saying something like "its wine o clock" or some sign usually saying something like "if friends were flowers id pick you". She usually buys my partner (46 yo) a lynx set. I never buy her husband a gift. Please dont think I'm being nasty, I'm not.

I usually buy a bottle of wine, chocolates and a nice candle or nice scarf.. something like that. Or a voucher. Anyway, she mentioned spending a fortune on my newborn baby and I decided to buy her hubby something as me, husband and baby would probably all get gifts.

Whilst in tesco last week with my baby, who wasnt very happy being out and about so was crying whilst I was doing christmas shopping I decided I had enough of christmas shopping and would get my friends gift from tesco. I bought wine, bath salts and a book. I felt like I hadn't put much effort into it but was a bit rushed and stressed with the business and my crying baby. I just wanted to go home.

Anyway, when we meet, she hands me a massive gift bag for newborn, ted baker shirt for my husband and a jo malone gift bag for me. I was slightly taken aback due to previous gifts. Yesterday morning I opened it and there was at least £150 of products. I am at hugge jo malone fan but very surprised and feel awful about buying pressies from tesco (i probably spent £20, which she usually spends the same on me).

I feel awful, would you buy a thank you gift (where does it stop) or tell her to have some gifts back as its too much.

She is a carer on a pt wage so I know she doesnt have a huge amount of money but she's spent around £250 on myself, my dh and baby.

Oh goodness I have a similar situation and it’s very difficult and very uncomfortable. I have tried being direct, suggested no gift giving, going for a meal instead, suggested a limit on how much we spend, tried every avenue but to no avail. I stick to what I’m comfortable spending though and don’t try to match it otherwise where would it stop?.

I'd leave it for now, maybe it was an odd gesture, maybe her love language, maybe she's recently won some cash and wants to pass it on... why stir things up?

A big hug and understated 'thanks for being so generous' is surely enough to get the point across.

But in good time for next year setting a cap or a limit sounds essential, again in a low key way should be fairly easy to do.
I think any direct chat about setting boundaries or saying it's inappropriate is just a bit over the top when you don't know the circumstances of her generosity.

I didnt think of gift card at the time. I just wanted out so grabbed a few things whcih I would normally buy. I also did buy her husband a small gift - a quiz book (he loves his facts!) And chocs. I didn't know what else to buy him and only bought him something as I knew she would buy my baby and partner something.

For everyone asking wine was around £12 (i like buying nice rose), chocs were £8ish and bath salts were only £2/3. The bath salts were a very small pouch, I think they were meant for maybe a stocking filling .. they were in christmas gift aisle. I thought they looked cute.

For other friends, a few of us have messaged each other saying what should we do as they also feel a bit awkward. For example, one friend was gifted a glasses holder and a pen last year. This year he received an expensive bottle of champagne and a voucher for a meal out! I like his style though, he doesnt buy for anyone and is very blunt about this but this year he said he feels especially awkward and now he feels he needs to buy a gift and he is getting annoyed with that!

I have thanked her and said it was lovely but too much. Offered her the money back from my baby as gave money aswell as gifts. I apologised for my presents to which she said she wanted to buy better presents this year as she has had a salary increase and she values my friendship and I've always been there for her and her husband. I also got a pay rise (i also work in 3rd sector) and usually they are backdated. She should have done something better with that money. Maybe it is a one off though.

OP- why are you apologising for your presents?

That's ridiculous. If your friend won't be friends with you unless you are spending hundreds of pounds on her at Christmas time then can you not see she isn't actually a true friend?

WTAF this is insane

Thats not the point in the post 😂😂😂

Anyone saying you can buy these items in Tesco for £20 or less is being unreasonable.

But you can? I did!

Yes, I know! but you updated saying you apologised to her- so I am asking why?

Why would you apologise for not spending hundreds of pounds- a pretty simple question 😂

I totally get why this made you uncomfortable. Your gifts were "normal" presents for a friend imo. Hers were very ott considering her salary and previous presents.

I would honestly say no gifts among friends next year if you think you can do that without hurting her feelings

I know my partner said i shouldn't have. I dont know, i felt so much guilt opening my v expensive pressie and knowing she opened what she did. Im going to say sept time about forgetting gifts.. or if she insists, then a budget and its only to each other.. not the dog, baby and partners.. where does it stop 😂

Ah I get it, but honestly, you have done nothing to apologise for.

She changed the goal posts by suddenly buying you something ridiculously expensive. That's not your fault - you aren't a mind reader and actually she has put you in an awkward position now by doing this.

You cannot match her costly presents, otherwise like you said, where does it end, next year is she going to buy you a Faberge egg? you're going to have to take out a second mortgage at this rate 🤣

Talk to her. Tell her how you feel.

I would thank her then take her out somewhere lovely for a meal/ spa afternoon and pay. Then next year well before xmas i would go for coffee and say that you're a bit strapped for cash so can you agree 20 quid max on presents this year.

“Bloody hell Nora, did you win the lottery or something. We don’t normally spend that much. Now I feel guilty “

Then in plenty of time before Xmas next year, have a conversation re a gift limit
“you spent so much last year, can we please limit it to £20 again. I don’t want to feel guilty like I did last year”

or
“Do you know what I really fancy doing for Xmas to each other this year, is I’d like to go to the theatre/have afternoon tea/have a night away. It’ll be a real treat to get away from childcare and be me again”

Your friend spent approx. £250 on your presents and buys in a similar vein for other friends as well? And not just birthdays? As a part time carer? She couldn't afford this even as a full time carer. But perhaps (I hope) she has a trust fund you don't know about.

I’d just let it go but next time you see her maybe drop into conversation that she was far too generous with her last gift, can we make sure we stick to about £20/30 as things are expensive now, or something similar. Don’t feel bad, you weren’t to know

It's probably a one off as you've had a baby and she wanted to treat you.

That sounds really awkward but if she's choosing to do that you can only either accept or not. You can't allow yourself to be pressured into reciprocating in that way. Next year definitely suggest you and your friends all do a Secret Santa with a defined limit.

Before the next gift event, tell her your house is now crammed with baby things and you and DH have decided no more gifts. Tell her budget limit of £20 for Baby bday and Xmas and nothing for you or DH. In exchange For baby gifts you will gift her £20 value for Xmas and bday too. That’s it, nothing for you two as you don’t need or want anything and don’t have space for stuff. If she insists tell her to donate to a charity

I would send her a message thanking her for her generosity. Tell her she didn’t have to spend so much and that you would have been equally happy with a bottle of wine. She might have got herself a bit excited and probably won’t realise until her credit card bill is with her.

Thank her for each gift individually and offer to take her out to lunch. She will understand why the offer was made without spelling it out.

I used to try to keep up with all the presents a friend of mine would buy me but discovered that even when it's something I'm pretty sure he'd like (hyacinth basket gift set as he's a big gardening fan) I later discovered he'd never used it and it was just in a corner of his hugely cluttered flat. I also discovered that he's a big fan of online shopping and I now believe that's his major past time (when not gardening). Some comments like "I saw this online but realised I could get 3 for the price of 2 so got you one too." And a lot of it was really cheap tat. I say thanks, tuck it away and then pass it along to a charity shop.

I've also decided that I'm sticking to the 2 things I know he will use - gin (something fancy artisan in a small bottle - he only drinks when he goes to parties) and chocolate. Otherwise I'll take him out for lunch.

What you need to do is decide what you are comfortable giving and stick to that. Doesn't matter if she gets nice stuff for you or spends whatever. Just get what you think is a suitable gift. It's not a contest.

Not your fault she’s gone OTT this year .

She probably got the gifts on sale.

Can you take you friend out for a cream tea and pay for it ? You could make her feel special for the day and tell her how much you appreciate her