Friend christmas gift - feel awful - wwyd

[Christmasmirraclee]

What would you do

My friend always buys all of our friends gifts - engagement, birthday, new job, baby, christmas, birthday etc.

I appreciate she has spent time and money but she usually buys gifts i dont want or like. I feel awful saying but I have regifted some in the past - strange flavoured gin Liqueurs (thistle, banana), childish sets like coca cola or sherbert scented candles, body wash, etc. Coasters saying something like "its wine o clock" or some sign usually saying something like "if friends were flowers id pick you". She usually buys my partner (46 yo) a lynx set. I never buy her husband a gift. Please dont think I'm being nasty, I'm not.

I usually buy a bottle of wine, chocolates and a nice candle or nice scarf.. something like that. Or a voucher. Anyway, she mentioned spending a fortune on my newborn baby and I decided to buy her hubby something as me, husband and baby would probably all get gifts.

Whilst in tesco last week with my baby, who wasnt very happy being out and about so was crying whilst I was doing christmas shopping I decided I had enough of christmas shopping and would get my friends gift from tesco. I bought wine, bath salts and a book. I felt like I hadn't put much effort into it but was a bit rushed and stressed with the business and my crying baby. I just wanted to go home.

Anyway, when we meet, she hands me a massive gift bag for newborn, ted baker shirt for my husband and a jo malone gift bag for me. I was slightly taken aback due to previous gifts. Yesterday morning I opened it and there was at least £150 of products. I am at hugge jo malone fan but very surprised and feel awful about buying pressies from tesco (i probably spent £20, which she usually spends the same on me).

I feel awful, would you buy a thank you gift (where does it stop) or tell her to have some gifts back as its too much.

She is a carer on a pt wage so I know she doesnt have a huge amount of money but she's spent around £250 on myself, my dh and baby.

I would thank her for her gift as normal. Next year I would probably send out a message saying you’re not gifting anymore & hopefully she’ll take the hint. It was probably because you’ve had a baby that she pushed the boat out a little more this year

What does her husband do? Or maybe they have an inheritance or won the lottery you don't know about? I think some people can afford to be more generous than others, and they should not expect others to do the same if they cannot.

She may have got them off vinted 'new with tags ' so might not be as expensive as you think. Still OTT though. Just say now that you have baby you're not going to buy for adults as it's too expensive x

She sounds like a fool. This isn't being generous, this is being foolish. She's put you in a really awkward position. And mentioning that she spent a fortune on your baby! Who does that? Just keep giving £20 gifts, keep saying to her each time oh Rebecca this is too much, and hopefully she stops this nonsense.

Yes this.Ive had a friend say this to me. I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable so if course I have scaled back.
I'm like your friend, I absolutely love buying presents for people and get a lot of joy giving those presents.
I definitely don't expect the same back and don't actually take notice, I wouldn't work out you'd only bought something at tesco.

Well it’s up to her what she spends but that does sound over the top.

I wonder if she gets top up benefits which has given her extra money to spend? I have two family members who get so much money they hardly know what to do with it (one of them lives with me so I know the financial position exactly. It is a lot of money every 4 weeks and a lot of it goes on luxury goods and more and more stuff.)

I wouldn't do anything except thank her for the lovely gifts. If she feels short changed by your gifts to her then she'll reign it back next time.

I’d speak to her about it and remind her you line her as a friend and she doesn’t need to buy your love!

There’s a huge discrepancy between the things she has gifted you previously (which sound like re-gifts) and the things this time. What’s that about?

You weren't to know she'd suddenly spend way too much on you. Just say thank you. And if you can afford it buy her something at that level for her birthday.

It’s a special gift for the new baby. She will probably go back to normal levels next time.
Don’t try and match it or else it becomes the new normal.

You couldn’t have known she was going to buy so much based on previous gifts. Plus, people don’t buy gifts because they’re expecting exactly the same value back. It’s the thought that counts etc. A thank you gift isn’t the norm, but you could write her a nice thoughtful thank you card if you wanted or get a small bunch of flowers.

Seeing as she is on a PT wage and it’s after Christmas, is there a chance she has regifted some gifts to you? Or she might’ve bought them on Vinted, so not spent as much as it seems. Do you know what she got other friends?

I would be very thankful for the gifts but wouldn’t offer them back as that could be seen as rude. I would assume the value will go back to normal next Christmas. Is your newborn your first DC?

Years ago a not very close or well off friend came to one of my young children ‘s birthday party with her kids and handed them 50 pounds as a present which is alot now but was huge back then. Shocked I handed it straight back and said gosh thankyou but thats far too much. It was fine we had a bit of back and forward about take it blah blah but no way was I keeping it.

Your friend chose to buy the gifts, you didn’t request them, but I can see why you feel it’s put you in an awkward situation.

However, I don’t think you have to reciprocate with a similar level of spending. She made that decision , you don’t have to follow suit.

Performative present giving is never a nice trait.

Just thank her for the presents, and move on.

Surely if you are close enough to be buying presents for each other, you could just send her a message and say her gifts were lovely but she really shouldn’t spend that much.

I already thought of this,and I also thought she is a carer,I’m hoping she hasn’t stolen from the vulnerable to keep up with gifts:/

This is where the gift is only 'for' the person gifting.

Your friend clearly has poor boundaries and lack of social awareness around gift giving - I have had a couple of friends like this and the sad thing is they make other people really uncomfortable.

It stems from a sort of anxiety - and their love language being giftin g- BUT - gifting is meant to be reciprocal. It's usually based in our culture, and it is generally understood that giving someone a much larger gift than they want to give back is not good form/

The fact is her ridiculous spending (more than some people spend on their children at christmas!!)- has made you feel awful.

If you genuinely care about her and the friendship - sit her down and say look this came from a good place but you have made me feel deeply uncomfortable - I really do not want these gifts and I am going to return them to you

i mean - come on, a friend buying you a ted baker shirt for your husband? It's just a consumption addiction on her part.

I would give back most of it, keep a gift for yourself, say i love you but this is ending right now.

Op sorry to say but you sound like you give the same types of gifts as she does (aside from this year where it sounds like she went all out) so im not too sure what your issue is. Alot of ppl are fed up with candles too so your idea of a gift is no different to hers. Also odd you knew she had spent alot on your baby (who boasts about spending a fortune on a gift but anyway) and you knew she was getting gifts for all three of you but you spent £20 on nonsense. Why didnt you just get her a £30 or £40 gift card , Tesco sell loads of them, or better still have a conversation and tell her no more gift giving!

Don’t feel guilty. It was her choice to spend money she can’t afford (or maybe she felt she could).

Anyway all this tit for tat giving has to stop.

If you can afford it, give her some money towards it. Tell her that it was appreciated and incredibly lovely of her but you don't feel comfortable with her spending so much money. Just be straight up, honest but above all, kind about it. Also, next year agree a limit so this is never repeated. Perhaps instead to stop gifts and have a girlie afternoon out together instead.

I can empathise with you regarding the feelings of being ungrateful a feeling upset. I have a friend who insists that we continue with present giving for Christmas and birthdays. Each year her gifts are becoming more expensive but we have such different tastes that I end up either regifting, selling on eBay or taking to a charity shop. Problem is she will constantly ask me about them; that bag/necklace I gave you would be perfect with that outfit go and put it on, or where are the candles I gave you they would set a lovely mood in here etc, so I end up keeping them for a few years before getting rid. Ironically I never see any of my gifts being used!

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if she's thoughtful she either wants to spend that much on you without getting anything back, or your cheaper gifts will send her the message that that's how much you have to spend and she either likes spending more or doesn't spend more.

I had 2 friends (ex colleagues) but now very much just friends and I started a tradition of buying presents for the boys when the boys were young - the eldest and youngest are 11 months apart and the other is in between. I really did it because when they were about 2 we'd meet up around Christmas and it was fun to have gifts to open together. Well one of the Mum's has openly said she has little money and the other is out of work, so we just stopped this year. We don't really meet with the boys anymore and it no-longer made sense.

Your gifts sound appropriate. Hers are not. You don't have to match, in fact you shouldn't as at this rate you'll be buying each other weekends away. Say nothing, but next year introduce the idea of a £25 cap. Btw as a carer, she could be regifting from grateful clients.

I love this post. That’s a great way of speaking to friend about it- and it’s open and honest.

im an over spender on gifts too. I can’t seem
to help myself. I’ve always spent my money on other people- even when I was a child and my dad would be in charge of pocket money. I got 5p a week to start with. That would buy a few penny sweets at the local shop. I would spend my pennies on my siblings even saving up to do it. I have to accept that I will never change!

Excellent idea.