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Original poster

Friend christmas gift - feel awful - wwyd

120 replies

Christmasmirraclee · 27/12/2025 00:14

What would you do

My friend always buys all of our friends gifts - engagement, birthday, new job, baby, christmas, birthday etc.

I appreciate she has spent time and money but she usually buys gifts i dont want or like. I feel awful saying but I have regifted some in the past - strange flavoured gin Liqueurs (thistle, banana), childish sets like coca cola or sherbert scented candles, body wash, etc. Coasters saying something like "its wine o clock" or some sign usually saying something like "if friends were flowers id pick you". She usually buys my partner (46 yo) a lynx set. I never buy her husband a gift. Please dont think I'm being nasty, I'm not.

I usually buy a bottle of wine, chocolates and a nice candle or nice scarf.. something like that. Or a voucher. Anyway, she mentioned spending a fortune on my newborn baby and I decided to buy her hubby something as me, husband and baby would probably all get gifts.

Whilst in tesco last week with my baby, who wasnt very happy being out and about so was crying whilst I was doing christmas shopping I decided I had enough of christmas shopping and would get my friends gift from tesco. I bought wine, bath salts and a book. I felt like I hadn't put much effort into it but was a bit rushed and stressed with the business and my crying baby. I just wanted to go home.

Anyway, when we meet, she hands me a massive gift bag for newborn, ted baker shirt for my husband and a jo malone gift bag for me. I was slightly taken aback due to previous gifts. Yesterday morning I opened it and there was at least £150 of products. I am at hugge jo malone fan but very surprised and feel awful about buying pressies from tesco (i probably spent £20, which she usually spends the same on me).

I feel awful, would you buy a thank you gift (where does it stop) or tell her to have some gifts back as its too much.

She is a carer on a pt wage so I know she doesnt have a huge amount of money but she's spent around £250 on myself, my dh and baby.

OP posts:
JingleMyBellsChristmasSmells · 27/12/2025 06:36

I agree with others; she has regifted raffle prizes/come across the gifts by more nefarious means.
On a part time carers wage those gifts would be more than a weeks income, I have absolutely no-one in my life that I would be prepared to spend that much on (husband/children excluded!).

hattie43 · 27/12/2025 06:36

That’s so awkward and unbalanced . I’m not sure what I’d do so no help here . I guess it was her choice to spend so much .

andfinallyhereweare · 27/12/2025 06:40

Can you say no more gifts and suggest going for an annual day out/meal to celebrate? Sell it as presence as presents…

Blizzardofleaves · 27/12/2025 06:54

I would thank her sincerely. Take her out to lunch just the two of you and offer to pay at some point over January.

Then next year around October, set an amount agreed by both of you. So you can feel comfortable. I imagine she values the friendship and she expresses this via gifts,

Empress13 · 27/12/2025 06:58

SheSaidHummingbird · 27/12/2025 03:47

No. Your gift to her sounds really lovely and generous. What she gifts, where she shops and how much she spends is her choice. Friendship isn't transactional.

BTW - How the bloody hell did you wrangle wine, bath salts and a book for £20ish? Even a clubcard wouldn't do it.

Wine £6 bath salts &4 book &9.99 I’m guessing

jemim · 27/12/2025 06:58

There’s a chance it’s all from Vinted and she’s not spent as much as you think. It does still sound a bit full on though.
Id be making it very clear to her, in a nice way, that you do not want to exchange gifts next year. Tell her your baby has made you realise you hate waste/stuff/consumerism and that you’d rather a charity donation be made in your child’s name.

WakeUpchangeChannelSleeeeeep · 27/12/2025 07:18

174ghxt · 27/12/2025 01:42

I may be totally wrong here, but she sounds a bit needy/insecure? If her gifts are so generous and you think she probably can't afford it? If I were you I would be upfront. If you love her, tell her that. Say, "Friend, I feel awkward, the baby was crying, I got something quickly and now you've been so generous, I feel a bit overwhelmed. You really don't have to spend so much." See how she responds. If she persists with the gifts, you'll feel less guilty about regifting or donating. But if you say you love her, you really value her, maybe she'll feel secure enough to scale back, eventually. Or maybe not. She might just love shopping!

This is excellent advice. Tell her you love her but the gift giving has to totally stop.

Sartre · 27/12/2025 07:25

I’d be questioning why/how she’s suddenly spending £250 on you when it’s usually £30? Has she come into a big chunk of money somehow? Either way, it’s a massive change and there’s no way you could have seen it coming so even if you had bought her usual non rushed gifts, it wouldn’t have equated to £250.

I think you should apologise for the rushed gifts and explain about your baby crying in the shop so you needed to leave. I’d also say the expense she has gone to with your gifts has made you feel a little awkward and that, whilst fully appreciated. she doesn’t need to spend so much.

verycloakanddaggers · 27/12/2025 07:31

Christmasmirraclee · 27/12/2025 00:29

I know but as much as all the gifts are lovely I feel slightly uncomfortable given i know her financial situation (she is open about her salary and pay etc) and what I bought her in return. We usually spend around £20 (maybe £30) on gifts so this year I'm really taken back. I love her but feel a bit awkward

I think you need an honest conversation after Christmas setting gift limits.

Don't raise your spending to match hers, she's spending too much.

Finallydoneandfree · 27/12/2025 07:54

I’d have an honest conversation early in the new year. Tell her you are cutting back on gifts. Ask if the friendship group would like to do something instead- a spa, cinema trip, meal. Something for all of you.

Ultimately she’s chosen to spend that amount of money against your usual gifting routines. That’s on her. You don’t have to match it but you can pre empt future gift awkwardness by trying to change the expectations.

blowthedoorsoff · 27/12/2025 07:57

You need to have an honest conversation with her. I would feel extremely uncomfortable with a friend spending £250 on me as a gift. Its just way too much and completely unnecessary.

I'm afraid I also don't think this is just her being kind. There is something a bit off about someone on a part time carers wage buying gifts of that price - something isn't right. I am not suggesting she stole it but there is a psychological need going on there that isn't healthy at all and I can see this spiralling into something much more concerning for her if you don't address it now before she gets into huge debt.

firstofallimadelight · 27/12/2025 07:57

Hopefully they were discounted/off Vinted and it’s not as expensive as it seems. I’d just thank her for her thoughtfulness and maybe next winter discuss a budget.

Ladybugheart · 27/12/2025 08:00

I wouldn't get bent out of shape on this one. Gift giving is not a competition, if she wants to go crazy just leave her to it and you continue to buy what you want to.

I have a relative like this, give obscene numbers of gifts, I can't compete with it and spent a few years feeling bad until I though fuck it, I can only do what I can do.

HK04 · 27/12/2025 08:02

Put Christmas to one side. Instead say that you want to treat her - could be to a lovely lunch and film as you value her friendship then make a day of it just the two of you? Get it in the diary soon even if it’s a couple months hence.

Summer: in case she buys early tell her you’re watching the pennies and so cap £ amount.

I’d not give the gifts back, she’ll be hurt/mortified but think of it that she really does value your friendship and family and that’s the best gift of all. Plus she could be a really good presence in your wee one’s life. See it as a positive, reciprocate soon and reign it in kindly for future.

MusicCuresAll · 27/12/2025 08:06

Maybe your friend wanted to especially treat you all this year as you've had a baby!

If your gift to her was as usual-ish then I wouldn't worry about that.

What about sending her a framed pic of baby with a nice message thanking her for helping make baby's first Christmas special?

Then, during the year at some point, either suggest stopping reciprocal gift buying because xyz or perhaps say gift from her to baby only, but with an agreed max price (if her love language is gifting she might not want to stop so making it baby only gives her her gift giving fix while you get to avoid the unwanted items!). You continue with your wine/chocs to her.

Applecup · 27/12/2025 08:12

I think it would be kinder to have the ‘we are on a bit of an economy drive the since the baby was born and shall we just do cards in future’ conversation.

paradisecircus · 27/12/2025 08:12

Crikey. I'm sure this is easier said than done but I would try to stop the present exchange with her full stop.
I wouldn't feel bad about the Tesco gifts though. It's her decision to be so extravagant.

pouletvous · 27/12/2025 08:14

Take her out for lunch

next year; in Nov, tell her you’re not expecting a gift and wont be buying her one: environment and budget makes it a silly gesture

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 27/12/2025 08:21

TheSandgroper · 27/12/2025 05:08

I’m quite bolshy so I would take her out on a quiet day and have strong words. What she is doing is inappropriate unless her husband is earning an absolute fortune post tax.

My strong words would include the word “counselling”.

It would then be up to her what she does with your discussion.

I agree.
we make a lot comparatively and i have spent that much on gifts for friends 2 times in total. (Both milesrone birthdays for best friends)

Its really inappropriate and she has sounds like she has problems. Shes spending money she cant afford.

UneAnneeSansLumiere · 27/12/2025 08:33

TheSandgroper · 27/12/2025 05:08

I’m quite bolshy so I would take her out on a quiet day and have strong words. What she is doing is inappropriate unless her husband is earning an absolute fortune post tax.

My strong words would include the word “counselling”.

It would then be up to her what she does with your discussion.

Wowza. Talk about bringing a gun to a knife fight. There is being 'bolshy' and then there is being downright rude and mean. You can't talk to people that way.

babyproblems · 27/12/2025 08:37

Take her out for a coffee (you pay) and tell her you feel awful that her gifts were so much and yours was small etc. Tell her you don’t have a lot of time and you really appreciate her gifts but in future you would feel more comfortable if she scaled back a bit! Very hard… she obviously likes giving gifts but I would feel so so uncomfortable with this dynamic. After all these years of friendship I’d find it really excessive and I’d resent her for making me feel guilty all the time! I also don’t have a lot of time so it would be a huge effort for me to do the same kind of gifts she is doing.

LostittoBostik · 27/12/2025 08:38

174ghxt · 27/12/2025 01:42

I may be totally wrong here, but she sounds a bit needy/insecure? If her gifts are so generous and you think she probably can't afford it? If I were you I would be upfront. If you love her, tell her that. Say, "Friend, I feel awkward, the baby was crying, I got something quickly and now you've been so generous, I feel a bit overwhelmed. You really don't have to spend so much." See how she responds. If she persists with the gifts, you'll feel less guilty about regifting or donating. But if you say you love her, you really value her, maybe she'll feel secure enough to scale back, eventually. Or maybe not. She might just love shopping!

This is how I read it too. It may be that she’s qorrrid now you have a baby you won’t have time for her. But it could equally be that she feels you deserve a treat as the PP period is hard and she’s recognising that.

On what she spent - that’s her choice, you can’t police it but you shouldn’t feel forced to match it either.

LostittoBostik · 27/12/2025 08:39

UneAnneeSansLumiere · 27/12/2025 08:33

Wowza. Talk about bringing a gun to a knife fight. There is being 'bolshy' and then there is being downright rude and mean. You can't talk to people that way.

Show quote history

Some people really do.

i was once told to “get counselling” after asking a friend for some advice.

i dropped that person instantly

people on Mumsnet are constantly talking about being ghosted by friends or unexpectedly losing a friend. I suspect they are all people who believe this is a kind, tactful or indeed acceptable way to speak to anyone - especially a friend

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/12/2025 08:50

SheSaidHummingbird · 27/12/2025 03:47

No. Your gift to her sounds really lovely and generous. What she gifts, where she shops and how much she spends is her choice. Friendship isn't transactional.

BTW - How the bloody hell did you wrangle wine, bath salts and a book for £20ish? Even a clubcard wouldn't do it.

easily done on £20

Wine is £5/6. Bath salts can be £3 or even posh £8/10 stuff. I’ve picked up books for £2/3 in shops

but her spending that amount on you is insane esp as she on a low wage and you do need to say to her - it was lovely and you feel bad she spent so much and never hear do a budget limit of £20

PhantomOfAllKnowledge · 27/12/2025 08:54

I would buy her something really nice for her next birthday, and then ahead of next Christmas, set the scene for lower value gifts - tell her you are economising and suggest a £20 limit. If she then chooses to disregard that, you needn't feel bad.