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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For speaking to my adult dd about her fiancé ?

107 replies

Anonyalphamom · 26/12/2025 23:02

Dd is 25. Been with her bf for about four years , they met in covid . He was the first boy she had ever dated. She has social anxiety ( though much better now than she was ) and very low self esteem. We have never really warmed to him, it’s very hard to find the words to explain but he is an odd amalgam of device obsessed teenager and a 70 year old man that’s very set in his ways . On paper it’s a great relationship. She lives about two hours away , finishing up
her studies and he moved jobs to be with her. They have a rented house that’s really nice and a very quiet life of the odd Indian meal out and trips to the retail park or a stately home type outing ( dd doesn’t drink and he rarely does ) .
her brothers don’t like him as they don’t like him watching football on his phone at family gatherings and feel he puts her down and doesn’t help her self confidence. Having said that he is always made welcome here and we are nothing but nice to him and I never say anything to dd.
this time , before they came for Xmas, dd messaged me the previous days to say that he had gone out to his works Xmas do , got really drunk , managed to work the next day but then basically spent three days in bed. She sounded exasperated with him , for the first time ever.
they came home on Tuesday and we have hardly seen him , he will eat a meal with us then just disappear upstairs. On Xmas day , they went to his parents for the day , got home about 8.30 and he went straight to bed, didn’t even say hello.
tonight we were playing a board game and he just got up and went upstairs mid game , and didn’t reappear.
god sorry this is so long but gist is , is now a time to say something to dd ? I don’t want her to feel trapped into staying with him. I want to
offer to support her financially if needs be , pay his share of the rent etc so she knows she has options , but should I just not interfere ?

OP posts:
Lizzbear · 26/12/2025 23:10

No advice really. But I can understand how you feel. You could try asking her how she is generally and maybe slowly try to get a feel for how she feels about his behaviour?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 26/12/2025 23:13

Both sound ND.

fashionqueen0123 · 26/12/2025 23:15

What’s her excuse when he disappears mid game etc. Like does he say I’m off or are you all just sitting there waiting for him to come back or does she make an excuse for him?

delightful1 · 26/12/2025 23:16

You sound very kind. I think it’s worth just letting her know if she ever has doubts, your support is there. It might just be the final straw to get her to leave if she wants to.

murasaki · 26/12/2025 23:16

Its a tricky one, as he's the first boyfriend, so she doesn't have any points of comparison. Add her social anxiety into the mix and she may think she can't do better. She can. But how you approach that, I don't know. It sounds like he may have social anxiety too, the taking himself away, but putting her down is not OK. I'd try lightly bringing into conversation 'how's it going ' rather than direct questions where she might get defensive. Keep your lines of communication open, being negative about him might shut them off which would be worse.

Silverbirchleaf · 26/12/2025 23:17

Has he always been the same, or is more unsocial than normal?

Maybe you could ask if he’s okay, as he’s not really joining in? Or ask if there’s anything you’d like to do all together? Go for a walk? Coffee? Sone people are intimidated when staying at other peoples homes, although it sounds like he’s stayed at yours before?

Maybe you and her could just go for a walk and have a long chat? They got together quite young. Maybe be brave and gave that chat.

Original poster
Anonyalphamom · 26/12/2025 23:18

Lizzbear · 26/12/2025 23:10

No advice really. But I can understand how you feel. You could try asking her how she is generally and maybe slowly try to get a feel for how she feels about his behaviour?

Yes, that’s sort of the plan I think .

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonyalphamom · 26/12/2025 23:19

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 26/12/2025 23:13

Both sound ND.

I think they are but thought I might get shouted at here for saying that. Dd has many autistic girl attributes and he certainly does.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonyalphamom · 26/12/2025 23:21

fashionqueen0123 · 26/12/2025 23:15

What’s her excuse when he disappears mid game etc. Like does he say I’m off or are you all just sitting there waiting for him to come back or does she make an excuse for him?

We all thought he had gone to the loo, then he just never appeared. She was surprised as well and messaged him, but then we all just sort of ignored it as didn’t want her to be embarrassed so pretended like it was completely normal behaviour.

OP posts:
murasaki · 26/12/2025 23:21

Anonyalphamom · 26/12/2025 23:19

I think they are but thought I might get shouted at here for saying that. Dd has many autistic girl attributes and he certainly does.

Show quote history

I thought that too. You don't want to end up in a situation where she sides with him over you, so you can't say anything negative about him, but you can just check in on her in a light way, and give her opportunities to speak should she want to.

murasaki · 26/12/2025 23:22

Effectively, as the first boyfriend, this is like 15 year old, you express a negative, they want to see them more. Good luck, you sound like a lovely mum.

murasaki · 26/12/2025 23:24

Anonyalphamom · 26/12/2025 23:21

We all thought he had gone to the loo, then he just never appeared. She was surprised as well and messaged him, but then we all just sort of ignored it as didn’t want her to be embarrassed so pretended like it was completely normal behaviour.

Show quote history

You played that well.

Brainstorm23 · 26/12/2025 23:26

No advice how to raise this with her but please don't let her marry this weird guy. It doesn't sound like they bring the best out in each other.

Original poster
Anonyalphamom · 26/12/2025 23:28

@murasakithats exactly it. Her brothers are older and both have been in stable long term relationships for a long time, she didn’t have that and was always the one on her own at things. I think she likes having a partner and overlooks the bad stuff. She wants the relationship and the dog and a baby and thinks he is the only way to do that and giving up him will lose that life she pictures for herself and in her head she won’t find anyone else.
@Silverbirchleaf he has always made much more of an effort I think , he is particularly bad this time. He has never been openly rude or just vanished mid gathering before. He knows us well, he lived here for six months in the second Covid wave .

i think a bit of gentle probing is the way forward

OP posts:
murasaki · 26/12/2025 23:30

Dp disappears to bed randomly here at home with me and thats OK, but he knows not to do it at my parents' house so always says goodnight, it's about knowing how people roll, and the boyfriend just didn't care if he knew she'd be upset by it and you'd all feel uncomfortable.

Forty85 · 26/12/2025 23:32

I'd just say to her I've noticed x doesn't really engage much or want to seem to spend time with us really, not even saying hello on Xmas day when you got home and leaving the table mid game today. Just wanted to check everything is okay with him? Are you getting on okay, is he just overwhelmed when he is here?

SarahAndQuack · 26/12/2025 23:37

Please say something.

You obviously love her and want the best for her. It is ok for you to say that you feel unsure he's able to give her all of that. If the relationship really is strong, she will get past you expressing some gentle concerns in an honest way. But if she's wavering, or if in the future she starts to feel it's not ok, it will mean the world to her to know that you bothered to raise the subject. She will feel able to come to you and tell you if there's a problem.

I don't even think you need to go into the specifics that PPs suggest. I think you just need to say, gently, that you are wondering if she's really happy and you want her to have someone who will really love her the way she deserves. If she is unhappy, this will sink in - even if not right now - and she will know you are in her corner. That's what matters.

Devontownie · 26/12/2025 23:48

They both sound ND.

You have just described to a T not having much, if any social battery. It's not unusual behaviour at all for Those with Autism or ADHD. The head noise is insane, and your irrationally irritated with innocent people for doing innocent things unless your hyper focussed on something or away from others completely.

I won't even try a board game let alone a whole one. I've got ADHD, and " sit down, wait your turn, don't interrupt others goes and repeat same thing for two hours" doesn't land well with me and my people 😂😂 And don't even ask me to sit and watch a film...I would rather appear rude than go through either.

It's right to approach her and see how she is feeling about things, but if she brings nothing of concern to you, then accept it's not personal and plod on. He will open up to you more and feel safer being himself, the more accepted he feels his quirks are :) Some people just find it safer to just come across rude. I think it's telling that in 4 years you have only heard your DD exasperated with him once! She clearly sees a side of him he doesn't show to others. Good luck :)

Original poster
Anonyalphamom · 26/12/2025 23:54

@Devontownieits not his normal behaviour though. He lived with us for 6 months in Covid so knows us well. They come and stay for the weekend about once a month. He has previously joined in with board games, often asking to play one. We are accepting of his quirks but he has shifted the goal posts . Maybe he is depressed ?
sort of feels like he knows us well enough to feel he can get away with being rude and doesn’t need to make an effort , does that make sense?

OP posts:
murasaki · 26/12/2025 23:59

Anonyalphamom · 26/12/2025 23:54

@Devontownieits not his normal behaviour though. He lived with us for 6 months in Covid so knows us well. They come and stay for the weekend about once a month. He has previously joined in with board games, often asking to play one. We are accepting of his quirks but he has shifted the goal posts . Maybe he is depressed ?
sort of feels like he knows us well enough to feel he can get away with being rude and doesn’t need to make an effort , does that make sense?

Familiarity breeds contempt is a saying for a reason. It could be that. Just keep the lines of communication open with her by not going in too heavily. But I can see why you're worried given her emotional immaturity re relationships and wanting to have what her brothers have regardless of the personal cost.

Theslummymummy · 27/12/2025 00:02

Sounds massively like she's settled

NortyElf · 27/12/2025 00:04

Anonyalphamom · 26/12/2025 23:21

We all thought he had gone to the loo, then he just never appeared. She was surprised as well and messaged him, but then we all just sort of ignored it as didn’t want her to be embarrassed so pretended like it was completely normal behaviour.

Show quote history

She texted him??? Why didn't she go and find him to speak to him?

Skyejay · 27/12/2025 00:05

I could have written this post myself , about my own dd and her bf, she lives at home he has his own place but they are thinking about moving in together, she is our only child and we are a very close knit family he has siblings but moved out at 18 for university he’s probably more independent than our dd, but she’s happy at home . They have been dating for over 2 years this is their 3 rd Christmas and she invited him to join us on Christmas Day for dinner I totally understand he’s committed to her and enjoys her company and spending time with her, but he rarely speaks to us apart from a “hello” when he comes to the house he’s definitely not interested in making any effort to get to know her family , or be in our company unless he has to ,she wanted to spend time with her family on Christmas Day he didn’t so stayed upstairs and she took him home on Boxing Day she was hurt by his lack of effort , I am dreading if she leaves home because I think he would discourage her from visiting us , he’s her first serious boyfriend

Newsenmum · 27/12/2025 00:05

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 26/12/2025 23:13

Both sound ND.

100%

ActiveTiger · 27/12/2025 02:43

They both sound like me and my hubby both got autistic traits in different ways, but I struggle more around family visiting around this time of year so will either engrose myself in my phone or go into a bedroom alone. Totally get it tbh and picked up on it straight away in Your post. We are very lucky to be in a big family who know our different needs and aren't bothered when I disappear or get my phone to switch my mind off. Hubby is my first boyfriend not sure why one would need loads to test if there right been married 15 years and happy as anything because have an understanding family and friend circle