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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For speaking to my adult dd about her fiancé ?

107 replies

Anonyalphamom · 26/12/2025 23:02

Dd is 25. Been with her bf for about four years , they met in covid . He was the first boy she had ever dated. She has social anxiety ( though much better now than she was ) and very low self esteem. We have never really warmed to him, it’s very hard to find the words to explain but he is an odd amalgam of device obsessed teenager and a 70 year old man that’s very set in his ways . On paper it’s a great relationship. She lives about two hours away , finishing up
her studies and he moved jobs to be with her. They have a rented house that’s really nice and a very quiet life of the odd Indian meal out and trips to the retail park or a stately home type outing ( dd doesn’t drink and he rarely does ) .
her brothers don’t like him as they don’t like him watching football on his phone at family gatherings and feel he puts her down and doesn’t help her self confidence. Having said that he is always made welcome here and we are nothing but nice to him and I never say anything to dd.
this time , before they came for Xmas, dd messaged me the previous days to say that he had gone out to his works Xmas do , got really drunk , managed to work the next day but then basically spent three days in bed. She sounded exasperated with him , for the first time ever.
they came home on Tuesday and we have hardly seen him , he will eat a meal with us then just disappear upstairs. On Xmas day , they went to his parents for the day , got home about 8.30 and he went straight to bed, didn’t even say hello.
tonight we were playing a board game and he just got up and went upstairs mid game , and didn’t reappear.
god sorry this is so long but gist is , is now a time to say something to dd ? I don’t want her to feel trapped into staying with him. I want to
offer to support her financially if needs be , pay his share of the rent etc so she knows she has options , but should I just not interfere ?

OP posts:
WareColkar · 27/12/2025 08:03

I’d continue to give her emotional support and build her confidence and hope she comes to the conclusion herself. I wouldn’t say anything directly about him

PotatoPrometheus · 27/12/2025 08:04

I think your idea of gently talking to her and just explaining she has options is a good idea. If that’s the worst thing he does then (in the grand scheme of men) it’s nowhere near as bad as it could be…it’s just a bit odd.

I totally get the disappearing to bed thing. I get very exhausted and overwhelmed by social situations. I have to really pace myself over Christmas. I will usually disappear for a bit on Christmas day to go take a nap if we’re at DH’s family house. I will at least preface it by telling people I’m just going to take a nap though rather than just vanishing…but if he’s shy or embarrassed maybe he just doesn’t think to explain it to people. DH‘s family have always been very kind about it…you sound equally lovely to be open to trying to understand what‘s going on with him rather than just writing him off completely. I think a conversation with her is a good start, give her the forum to open a bit and listen to what she has to say about it all as well.

PodMom · 27/12/2025 08:06

Anonyalphamom · 26/12/2025 23:28

@murasakithats exactly it. Her brothers are older and both have been in stable long term relationships for a long time, she didn’t have that and was always the one on her own at things. I think she likes having a partner and overlooks the bad stuff. She wants the relationship and the dog and a baby and thinks he is the only way to do that and giving up him will lose that life she pictures for herself and in her head she won’t find anyone else.
@Silverbirchleaf he has always made much more of an effort I think , he is particularly bad this time. He has never been openly rude or just vanished mid gathering before. He knows us well, he lived here for six months in the second Covid wave .

i think a bit of gentle probing is the way forward

My mum was autistic. She once said to me the only reason she married my dad was because he asked her and she was worried nobody else ever would. She then spent 40 years being fairly unhappy.

Applecup · 27/12/2025 08:07

I think as a mum you are allowed to voice your unease but be careful how you do it. Maybe along the lines of ‘is x okay? I noticed he disappeared a few times during the weekend. Is everything okay?’ Might open up an opportunity for her to confide in you.

brokenbiscuitsadness · 27/12/2025 08:12

@VoltaireMittyDream

wow! Kindly how on earth are you able to stay married to someone who displays such rudeness to your friends and family? ND or not that must take such a massive toll on your own wellbeing.

hididdlyho · 27/12/2025 08:23

If the boyfriend is putting DD down in front of you, I would definitely politely challenge that each time.

I think it's ok to initiate a general conversation with DD about relationships and reasonable expectations. Along the lines of a good partner doesn't put you down and it's normal to want that for yourself. You could check in over the him getting drunk incident, as she's already reached out to you about that. It's possible she was wanting to get your opinion on that behaviour as she's cottoned on it's unreasonable and wants reassurance she's right.

Owly11 · 27/12/2025 08:29

Anonyalphamom · 26/12/2025 23:21

We all thought he had gone to the loo, then he just never appeared. She was surprised as well and messaged him, but then we all just sort of ignored it as didn’t want her to be embarrassed so pretended like it was completely normal behaviour.

Show quote history

Don't do this. You don't want her to think his behaviour is normal so don't behave as if it is. Modelling what is and isn't healthy is the best way for her to learn what you want her to learn. Don't model one thing and then have a 'big conversation' telling her something else.

HelloIcetime · 27/12/2025 08:36

Only2daystogo · 27/12/2025 08:01

Yep

Show quote history

You can tell that from one post, from one event and one point of view…really?

Where does excuses about being ND become actually they are just rude?

Where are the strategies, worked on and in place to manage social situations?

And where were all of these ND people years ago, how did they manage Christmas?

JustMarriedBecca · 27/12/2025 08:38

Another vote for likely ND here. Same thing happened here yesterday re disappearing.
Also remember all families are different, if he is ND then chances are his parents are too (I speak from experience) and so that kind of behaviour is normalised.

Also remember, during COVID an autistic persons battery wasn't worn down in the same way. So it was easier to mask and we weren't run down the whole time. That may explain the difference between then and now.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 27/12/2025 08:41

W0tnow · 27/12/2025 03:46

I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t say something. Maybe he is ND, maybe he is just a selfish and rude man child who hasn’t been pulled up on his behaviour. No one can possibly know. Not even the keyboard psychologists. Social anxiety is not insurmountable. But it is easy to slowly spiral into an isolated life if you have a partner whose behaviour ensures you stay well within your comfort zone, and indeed, ensures that that zone gets smaller and smaller. Because that’s what suits him.

A partner should build your self esteem. Not reinforce it.

Edited

It can be insurmountable.

I have an ND Dd. She couldn’t speak to anyone for 2 years. And now despite being in a v high dose of anti depressants and ADHD meds she still struggles to speak to some people.

Efacsen · 27/12/2025 08:41

HelloIcetime · 27/12/2025 08:36

You can tell that from one post, from one event and one point of view…really?

Where does excuses about being ND become actually they are just rude?

Where are the strategies, worked on and in place to manage social situations?

And where were all of these ND people years ago, how did they manage Christmas?

Edited
Show quote history

But it's not just one lone posters opinion - it's quite a commonly held opinion by many PP on the thread and most importantly held by the OP herself who actually knows and has lived with these 2 young people

So maybe RTFT

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 27/12/2025 08:42

HelloIcetime · 27/12/2025 08:36

You can tell that from one post, from one event and one point of view…really?

Where does excuses about being ND become actually they are just rude?

Where are the strategies, worked on and in place to manage social situations?

And where were all of these ND people years ago, how did they manage Christmas?

Edited
Show quote history

You didn’t know about them as there was no internet.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 27/12/2025 08:44

Anonyalphamom · 26/12/2025 23:54

@Devontownieits not his normal behaviour though. He lived with us for 6 months in Covid so knows us well. They come and stay for the weekend about once a month. He has previously joined in with board games, often asking to play one. We are accepting of his quirks but he has shifted the goal posts . Maybe he is depressed ?
sort of feels like he knows us well enough to feel he can get away with being rude and doesn’t need to make an effort , does that make sense?

You need to talk to him. But quietly just you and him. Mention that you all waited for him, didn't realise he wasnt coming back to finish the game. Perhaps ask him directly if everything is OK? How was their visit to his family ie did he join in things there.

sortaottery · 27/12/2025 08:45

"...and feel he puts her down and doesn’t help her self confidence."

The rest of the stuff doesn't seem too bad and can be ascribed to a low social battery. But the above is worrying. Being an arse and a bully aren't symptoms of autism.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 27/12/2025 08:49

Lifeissodifficult · 27/12/2025 04:45

Wow.
Armchair psychiatrist . As a mental health nurse these type of comments really irritate me.

Anyway , the only thing he sounds to me is unreasonable OP and i would let her know that you are there for her , because i worry that she could end up feeling up lonely.

Show quote history

Yeah and these comments really irritate me.

Ive yet to find any mental health nurse to understand ND properly, So what’s to brag about? ND ISN’T mental health.

Some of us have been through the mill with ND children. And recognise the behaviours.

HelloIcetime · 27/12/2025 08:56

Efacsen · 27/12/2025 08:41

But it's not just one lone posters opinion - it's quite a commonly held opinion by many PP on the thread and most importantly held by the OP herself who actually knows and has lived with these 2 young people

So maybe RTFT

Show quote history

Yep, I always read the full thread!

My comment still stands around keyboard diagnosis rather than the team of professionals who are required to make a full diagnosis. I am one of that team.

There could be a whole host of reasons for this young man’s behaviour, including other MH or SEND. It could be he is stressed, ill, rude, lacks social manners, selfish…. I could go on.

He may, of course, have a diagnosis. If that is the case he needs to develop and manage strategies to support himself in social situations. Leaving the room maybe one of them but he left his hosts guessing and was rude. ND isn't an excuse.

DeftGoldHedgehog · 27/12/2025 09:04

I would definitely let her know you have her back and give her an escape route should she ever need it. I wouldn't be overly critical of him but would certainly let her know gently that his behaviour is a bit rubbish and sympathise about things like him being in bed for three days after a night out!

Efacsen · 27/12/2025 09:04

HelloIcetime · 27/12/2025 08:56

Yep, I always read the full thread!

My comment still stands around keyboard diagnosis rather than the team of professionals who are required to make a full diagnosis. I am one of that team.

There could be a whole host of reasons for this young man’s behaviour, including other MH or SEND. It could be he is stressed, ill, rude, lacks social manners, selfish…. I could go on.

He may, of course, have a diagnosis. If that is the case he needs to develop and manage strategies to support himself in social situations. Leaving the room maybe one of them but he left his hosts guessing and was rude. ND isn't an excuse.

Edited
Show quote history

What about the OP's opinion are your dismissing that too?

I'm sure the daughters own mother knows her better than anyone here and lived with the young man for 6 months - she's no keyboard diagnostician

Or did you miss that when you RTFT?

.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 27/12/2025 09:06

HelloIcetime · 27/12/2025 08:56

Yep, I always read the full thread!

My comment still stands around keyboard diagnosis rather than the team of professionals who are required to make a full diagnosis. I am one of that team.

There could be a whole host of reasons for this young man’s behaviour, including other MH or SEND. It could be he is stressed, ill, rude, lacks social manners, selfish…. I could go on.

He may, of course, have a diagnosis. If that is the case he needs to develop and manage strategies to support himself in social situations. Leaving the room maybe one of them but he left his hosts guessing and was rude. ND isn't an excuse.

Edited
Show quote history

My dd was diagnosed by a pyschologist, psychiatrist and speech therapist.

No mental health nurse ever involved.

Gettoachiro · 27/12/2025 09:07

He's in your house and being incredibly rude. I couldn't keep quiet about it. Support your daughter, speak to her about it. It's worrying that her brothers believe he puts her down.

I wonder if she'd gone to bed at his parents house without saying a thing, if he'd have had something to say?

I'd be telling him (politely and merrily if need be for my daughter) that there is no problem with him going off to bed etc, but you bloody well just say it rather than disappear.

FeistyFrankie · 27/12/2025 09:09

Anonyalphamom · 26/12/2025 23:21

We all thought he had gone to the loo, then he just never appeared. She was surprised as well and messaged him, but then we all just sort of ignored it as didn’t want her to be embarrassed so pretended like it was completely normal behaviour.

Show quote history

Have you spelt out to him what your expectations are when he is in your home? He might be completely oblivious to how his behaviour is landing if you haven't said anything to him.

I think it might be a good ides for one of your sons to have a quiet word with him about how he talks about DD. Making it clear that he shouldn't be putting her down or criticising her. Again, he might just be oblivious as to how this makes others feel.

Try some gentle guidance first - you might be surprised at how this changes things. They're both young, as a parent it's kind of your job to help them out a bit.

AngelinaFibres · 27/12/2025 09:15

VoltaireMittyDream · 27/12/2025 03:05

This sounds very like my autistic DH (apart from the bit about liking football). He will sit as a guest in someone’s house and completely ignore them and scroll on his phone or sometimes just close his eyes as though he’s asleep. He’ll even do this at the dinner table. He’ll also wander off halfway through a meal or conversation without excusing himself or anything. He hardly ever remembers to greet or acknowledge people when they enter the room. He will also often forget himself and start eating with his hands something most people use cutlery for (like salad).

It takes nerves of steel on my part to do anything social with him - sometimes he can pull it out of the bag and be polite and chat to people, but mostly he sits there with a face like a slapped arse or shuts down and dozes off.

All my family find him odd and unlikeable, which isn’t surprising really, as he consistently treats them like shit without ever really understanding that’s what he’s doing. I’ve tried over the course of 20 years to give him a sense of his impact but he insists manners are bullshit and anyone who cares about them is an idiot. So he just doesn’t come to family or other social events anymore, where possible, and I am fairly frank with people these days that he doesn’t socialise and has very low energy levels.

He wasn’t like this at the start - he was well and truly masked up until we were living together and married, so it all came as a bit of an abrupt shock when he just stopped making any kind of effort at all ever.

Some parts of our relationship do work relatively well despite all this - others less so.

And you think this is an acceptable way to live / behave towards your family ?

billandtedsexcellentadventure · 27/12/2025 09:17

Sounds like my husband. He can’t cope with family gatherings. But comes for my sake but he really does struggle.

UneAnneeSansLumiere · 27/12/2025 09:18

Brainstorm23 · 26/12/2025 23:26

No advice how to raise this with her but please don't let her marry this weird guy. It doesn't sound like they bring the best out in each other.

How can the OP 'not let her' marry someone? She's an adult!

Only2daystogo · 27/12/2025 09:20

HelloIcetime · 27/12/2025 08:36

You can tell that from one post, from one event and one point of view…really?

Where does excuses about being ND become actually they are just rude?

Where are the strategies, worked on and in place to manage social situations?

And where were all of these ND people years ago, how did they manage Christmas?

Edited
Show quote history

I was quoted a poster so says it sounds like they could be neurodiverse.

Everything the OP says suggested ND and nothing she posts suggests NT. OP needs to talk to her DD and her partner to find how they can make Christmas more comfortable to them. This “politeness” that talk about is very culturally specific, in a different country, time of year and age whatbis polite is very different. UK politeness around Christmas time is often very damaging to the health of ND people. The OP comes across as a thoughful and caring person, I don’t think she would want to be doing some thing which would negatively impact on her guests mental health.