For speaking to my adult dd about her fiancé ?

[Anonyalphamom]

Dd is 25. Been with her bf for about four years , they met in covid . He was the first boy she had ever dated. She has social anxiety ( though much better now than she was ) and very low self esteem. We have never really warmed to him, it’s very hard to find the words to explain but he is an odd amalgam of device obsessed teenager and a 70 year old man that’s very set in his ways . On paper it’s a great relationship. She lives about two hours away , finishing up
her studies and he moved jobs to be with her. They have a rented house that’s really nice and a very quiet life of the odd Indian meal out and trips to the retail park or a stately home type outing ( dd doesn’t drink and he rarely does ) .
her brothers don’t like him as they don’t like him watching football on his phone at family gatherings and feel he puts her down and doesn’t help her self confidence. Having said that he is always made welcome here and we are nothing but nice to him and I never say anything to dd.
this time , before they came for Xmas, dd messaged me the previous days to say that he had gone out to his works Xmas do , got really drunk , managed to work the next day but then basically spent three days in bed. She sounded exasperated with him , for the first time ever.
they came home on Tuesday and we have hardly seen him , he will eat a meal with us then just disappear upstairs. On Xmas day , they went to his parents for the day , got home about 8.30 and he went straight to bed, didn’t even say hello.
tonight we were playing a board game and he just got up and went upstairs mid game , and didn’t reappear.
god sorry this is so long but gist is , is now a time to say something to dd ? I don’t want her to feel trapped into staying with him. I want to
offer to support her financially if needs be , pay his share of the rent etc so she knows she has options , but should I just not interfere ?

It's not normal behavior .... from your perspective... 🤷🏼‍♀️ You don't see all sides of him, and he may have a good Mask. My MIL has only just started seeing certain parts of me after 16 years, the last pieces of my mask fell off after I lost my own Mum, and I trusted MIL enough to see who I really was, which is a bit of a nob. 😂

I think to acknowledge the change you have seen though, with kindness and a concern about depression as you mentioned, is a smart way to trigger an open conversation with DD. :)

I queried your post because I can't see the relevance of the mental health nurse, to my post.

I did suggest this young man might have other MH conditions rather than being ND.

I wish my parents had sat me down and told me not to marry DH1.

I would absolutely sit her down and share your concerns.

Im autistic and one of my issues has always been making shit decisions on the basis that I’m going along with what I perceive as other people’s norms and don’t know how to change things.

You need to give your DD the assurance that it’s ok to end a relationship she’s not happy with and that his behaviour is not socially acceptable. She may genuinely be OK with it in which case you let them crack on.

Don't be scared to say something for fear of pushing her away, but be careful how you do it.
He is being rude and disrespectful to her, as well as you. She needs to see that. Maybe their relationship isn't good anymore but neither of them can see a reason to end it, or they're scared to. I'd worry that you say she sees him as her only option for the life she envisages. Make sure she knows she has choices, and if she is not happy with him now, she will never truly realise that dream.

Please don't allow possible neurodiversity, or anything else (drugs? Mental health?) be used as an excuse for his poor behaviour by either of them, particularly if he hasn't always been like this.

I love your description of him. You have perspicacity.

So what is your plan (what with wimmin not being rehabilitation centres for dysfunctional men etc.) ??

Hear Hear!

The trouble with acting like it's normal behaviour is that she is learning that you all think it's OK for him to behave like that, so she will feel she's being unreasonable to be upset by it. I think she is probably crying out for someone to talk to about it. I bet she is screaming inside, blaming herself, trying to think of ways to change him etc etc.

If I was her, I'd be so grateful if you'd come and sit with me and listen to how awfully I was being treated, and told that I had your support if I wanted help to leave him.
I wouldn't know what was normal or reasonable any more and would feel very confused.