Argument with my DM over baby items

[Firsttimer266]

Hi, long time lurker first time poster.

I am expecting my first baby, my DH and I are thrilled!

We live in a rented older terest house and have been here for 4 months now. Lovely area and nice if a bit quirky home. Because of where we live being great and having recently moved I do not want to consider moving again to better 'accommodate' the baby.

We can have minimal baby 'furniture' without missing any of the important bits and get creative with storage for toys get old enough to play with them...

My mum, however, is quite keen for us to move and have a house better suited to having a baby. Says we wont be able to get all the stuff we need. Mostly, she's going on about the pram/pushchair because our front door is steep steps and back door hasn't anywhere to put the pram.

I think this is something we can deal with when we get there? And not a huge deal?

Shes angry with me now and says I dont know cause I've never done it. Am I underescting that this isn't going to be an issue? Any easily folding pram recs welcome 😉

How do people manage without? I couldn't even use a sling until the baby reached a certain weight.
Carrying even a light baby regularly can be sore on your back, and I loved having somewhere the baby could be while I had a cup of coffee out!

She needs to let you make your own decisions - just keep telling her you know what you're doing and want to make your own way.

If a buggy is going to be tricky get a good sling and / or baby carrier and a nappy bag that's a backpack. I carried both of mine much more than I pushed them, it's a dead convenient way of getting out and about.

Do you have a car? If so you can keep your pram in the boot and save the hassle of getting it in and out of the house.

If you were saying there are two equal houses we are looking at renting the only difference between the two is one has steps and the other doesn't. I would be saying absolutely go with the one without the steps.
There are lots of things about houses that are less ideal for children but you adjust and if something irritates you, you then look at the changes.

My first didn't use the pram for the first 4 months I walked it around like a giant shopping trolley with her in the carrier (no car). My second used the pram for the first month and has screamed in it since. He's nearly 4 months so I go to keep trying him in it too see if he will start using it..

In the house we had our first in, the downstairs was open plan and it got on our nerves having no escape in the evening from toys and we unexpectedly had to turn the nursery into an office. Our room was big enough to have a baby zone in the corner though so we made it work. When my partners commute became untenable we then looked for a house that had a place for toys not in the main living space and room for a study and my daughter to have her own room.

See how you get on, ensure you have a back up fund to facilitate a move should you need to move because of the steps or a hundred reasons not connected to the steps and go from there.

OP it sounds really important to have a calm conversation with your mum right at the beginning of becoming a mum yourself to establish some respectful boundaries.

I’m sure she is expressing concern out of love for you and baby, but she needs to respect you and DH as new parents with own autonomy. Also some things change (research, equipment available etc)

You can value her love and support but it will be much easier to keep the peace in the future if she understands that you are a new little family who need to choose how you act yourselves (especially about where to live!). You can assure her you will sometimes be asking for her advice and help but don’t want to fall out when you all want the same thing - a happy family.

I know it can sometimes be fraught in families but my DD made it very clear as a teen she would live her own life and now as a new mum our relationship is really warm and peaceful. it can be hard but worth working towards. I give support but am very respectful of her and DH as adult parents themselves and do things their way. Congratulations.

She is being ridiculous! Many of us managed terraced houses with steps; this is your home, baby, and life so you get to make the decisions. Start as you mean to go on.

I think that’s looking for drama tbh. A toddler/young child s just as likely to fall down the stairs indoors. Stairs are fun for small children. They just need supervising as they will anyway it being by a road with cars. We lived in a flat when mine were that small that had an outside metal spiral staircase up to our front door on the second floor…… we all survived fine!

The main issue with steps/stairs is if your baby falls asleep in the pram whilst out walking getting them indoors without them waking up is impossible ime. - even if it’s only 3 steps
Space indoors is only an issue if you have all the kit shops/influencers market at you. If you have just what you actually need you’ll be fine -as we were in our two bed flat.

I suppose everyone’s just different! I personally hate a pram. They just feel so cumbersome. My opinion might be coloured because when my eldest was born we lived in a second floor flat so the pram was a faff and I never got used to using it. Youngest is 9m and still yet to go in the pram. I just always have a blanket in my backpack and pop them on the table with my coffee and cake when they are tiny.

No wonder there's so much anxiety about. People have been raising babies in these types of houses for decades.
When we had dd we lived in a first floor flat. Stairs no lift just needed to be organised.
When we had two more children we lived in a semi but there were 4 steps from the drive to the house again not an issue.
Some people can' t cope if any effort is involved.
If you're happy where you are op stay and if you find you don't like it you can move.

How do you cope with normal life ? All this catastrophising must take it out of you.

We spent months looking at prams, spent a ridiculous amount of money, and our baby hated it and it was rarely used. We had a carrier (stretchy wrap and then a tula FTG). Our car seat never left the car. The joolz aer2 is very light and compact. I think it is small enough to fit in the overhead compartments on planes and can be used from birth.

Something I feel like nobody told me is that before 4 months babies are not designed to be put down.

We live in a smaller home and knowing this, if I had my first time over again, I would get:

• a sling
• car seat (store in the car)
• stokke Tripp Trapp with newborn and baby attachments
• cot (IKEA sniglar that can be easily resold/passed on)

We have a Silver Cross Cove and it’s wonderfully easy to fold, light, great suspension but she hates being put down so the newborn bassinet was a waste of money! I would use the sling for first 6 months and then think about a pushchair buggy (maybe stokke yo-yo) that you easily store in the car or just upgrade to an ergo baby carrier.

I would not move if you are happy. My parents’ generation definitely have a tendency to over buy and feel babies need a lot, but I think it’s because they were having their kids as the baby equipment market exploded with products. It has been hard work explaining to them why they can’t find bouncers, cot bumpers and walkers!

All I would say is be 100% sure that this is where you want to live long term. Moving house with a baby/toddler is 100 times harder.

Not having somewhere to put the pram sounds like a pain. Not insurmountable but just a bit of a pain.

I think what your mum is getting at is that life with a baby is incredibly hard. You don't understand it until you live it. So small stuff like that really adds to your workload.

Again, not insurmountable at all and plenty of us live in odd houses like that, but if I could afford to move, I would.

With all due respect, plenty of babies are fine to be put down. Mine loved his gigantic pram and slept like a dream in it. It actually made an enormous difference to us to have a nice pram with a bassinet that was certified safe for sleeping. I used to walk him to put him to sleep, wheel him back to the house and watch 2 hours of Netflix. He also slept in his crib from day 0 (woke every 1-4 hours but that's how they are).

And I found baby wearing absolutely killed my back, I have no idea how you can put up with wearing a 5 kilo weight on your chest all day long and call it comfortable.

I don't think her mum is wrong to point out that making your life more comfortable is a good idea.

We had this still do have the steps.

Frame of pram generally stayed in the car or garage at road level. Just cary the car seat or carry cot up.

DD learned to manage stairs safely quicker than most kids i think, never once fell on our front steps. I would hold her hand.

Would it have been easier on ground level ? Yes probably. Did we ever consider moving ? No, Its an issue for a limited time.

If youre planning 2 that might be more of a juggle.

Lots of houses have outside steps abd obviously flats do, lots of wYs around it.

You're renting somewhere you really like. If it doesn't work further down the line, then you think about moving then, surely? You don't need to worry about moving schools etc for a while yet. Babies "stuff" doesn't have to take over your house - they only really want to play with people and copy mum & dad for ages, despite what marketing people claim.

I found a pram a pita compared to a sling. I found the long stretchy fabric sling supported my lower back and c section really well, so much better than hauling a pram about! I only used it out and about, not in the house - but mine were both quite light and small where I am not... When older we had one if those lightweight folding pushchair things.

Omg the amount of times my mum went on at me a out this, as we were in a little lomdon flat when we first had our newborn. It's like you have to have a two up two down with a garden shed to even qualify as a parent to some mums!!

It's fine, the only people inconvenienced if it is a storage issue is you and your DH, a move would be mad if you are happy ehere you are right now. My son is 2.5 and the huge three wheel travel system pram we got him was barely used after he outgrew a bassinet, used a travel one after that took up barely any space anyway!

I lived in a first floor flat so had to go up the stairs to get home. It is a bit of a pain as you can’t just wheel the sleeping baby in but I had a pushchair that had a detachable bassinet so removed that and carried sleeping baby in it up the stairs.
Once baby was 6 months plus it was a little trickier detaching the seat and carrying it up and putting it down to keep baby sleeping.
But it was fine-just need a detachable bassinet/pushchair seat from the wheels and some upper body strength to carry them up the stairs.
All the best with your new arrival!

(edit: I walked everywhere so never really drove baby)

The money you can save living in a smaller place with infants pays for a fully packed removal service several times over. Plus you can choose your family home knowing rather than guessing your family size.

Of course you’ll manage! Ridiculous for her to be so upset over you not moving house- as if moving is like not a stressful thing to do when pregnant?! Our house is far from the ideal for a baby, but a baby we do have! We have steps down to our house and yes it’s a pain with the buggy but you just have to adapt. We got the Nuna Triv which is reasonably light and easy to fold. Baby bjorn carrier also really good. You can find creative ways to store things too. Good to draw boundaries with her before baby is here as it may only get worse… Many Congrats!

There are ways around it. It would be more convenient to have easy buggy access to the house but it's not the end of the world. People have babies in flats all the time.

You could keep the buggy in the car boot and carry the baby into the house in your arms or in a car seat.

You could get one with an easily detaching carrycot (with straps) or get one of the soft carrycot "pod" things, or use a detachable car seat and park the buggy at the door, carry baby in in detachable part and put down, go back out and fold, carry, or bump pram frame up steps.

You could have a lightweight buggy like the Babyzen Yoyo which you can lift even with the baby in it (recommend with two people) or take baby out and put down somewhere safe, then come back and carry buggy back into house.

You could use a baby carrier/sling and not really bother with a buggy at all. (Would recommend visiting a sling meet if you want to do this. It is much easier to get the hang of how to use them in person.)

You might want to consider how you'd manage any of the above options if it's raining heavily, or if you've brought a load of shopping back on the pram.

The pram/ pushchair isn't the issue really.

The problem is that your mum thinks it's OK to expect you to take all her advice and do exactly as you're told when it comes to the baby.

Tell her you appreciate her care and concern for you and how excited and interested she is in the upcoming happy event, but that you and your DP will deal with any practical problems as and when they come up, that you and your DP are both adults and will work together to adjust to the baby.

You need to emphasise that you and your DP are the team here, not you and your mum, and that collaboration is your preferred style, not taking orders.

The heightened emotions are an indication of a rough road ahead with your mum. Start now to manage her expectations of her advice always being followed and her opinions taken as Truth.

To be honest she's spot on but you'll learn that for yourself when the baby arrives

We hardly used the pram! First two babies hated it and screamed constantly! We used car seat and otherwise carried baby in body harness when went out. Later used a foldable lighter pushchair. Pram was a big waste of
money!

Your mum needs to understand that she’s had her turn and now it’s for you and your husband to parent at your discretion even if that involves making mistakes.

Everyone is on the tiniest pram they can find by about 18m max.

The "bassinet" stage of pram lasted until 16w for us, six weeks of which we both massively preferred the sling anyway.

If you can rent a pram for the earliest stage I thoroughly recommend it.