To expect children to say thank you?

[Nifty50something]

We stopped by a good friend's home yesterday (we were invited) and gave her a gift and also gave £30 to in a Christmas card to each of her children. The children (aged 11 and 16) opened the cards, took the money out and said nothing. After a few minutes I prompted them by asking if they had put it somewhere safe and the 11 year old then said yes, thank you. The 16 year old said nothing.

Afterwards in the car I mentioned to DH I thought it was shocking the children hadn't said thank you, or only one did when prompted by me. The mum did say thank you for her gift but didn't say anything to the children. DH said oh that's normal that's just how children are nowadays. But I can't believe that.

I'm child free and in my 50s. So AIBU to expect a thank you or am I just out of it and behind the times? I don't expect a thank you card or even a text but surely uttering those two words at the time of receiving something surely cannot be too much to expect???

It's so bloody rude not to say thank you. I'd be mortified if my DDs didn't say thank you for a gift.

My sister and I swapped our DC's gifts before Christmas Day. My DDs opened their gifts from my sister on Christmas morning and sent her messages straight away to say thank you. When I spoke to my sister her DS's hadn't been to her house yet to open theirs off me. Fair enough, they were going later that day. The youngest was at his dad's and the oldest was with his girlfriend. I know that they now will have opened them but I'm yet to receive a thank you. I'm fuming! They're not even children. One is 26 and the other is 16 so it's not as if they're kids who are too young for manners. I got stuff that they would want too, so not as if I bought them random crap.

It grinds my gears too because it takes two seconds to send a text. You don't even have to speak.

I remember, back when I was little, having to phone my auntie on the landline to say thank you and feeling riddled with anxiety at having to phone. I still did though, because it's polite. I'm considering not bothering next year 😡. Ungrateful little toe rags.

I'll get off my soapbox now 😂.

I get you, totally unacceptable, manners cost nothing. My son has ASD with speech delay but he can say Please and Thank you!

I think that's awful OP. Especially shocking that it's in person as well.

I have several younger relatives/family friends who I've sent presents to over the years. In many cases I don't get any acknowledgement at all. Not even a text from the parents. I don't even know that the present has arrived! In one case the youngster gave me very detailed instructions on the present that was desired (proving that she was capable of communicating with me) but absolutely nothing once it had actually appeared.

I don't give those people presents any more.

No thats not how all children are nowadays. I would be mortified if my daughter behaved like that. I've taught her from a young age to say please and thank you. If a 3 year old can say thank you then so can an 11 and 18 year old.

Have had a big falling out with my stepdaughter (almost 10) today due to her sheer ungratitude for everything she’s had this year. Went into her room (shes with us full time) and everything is just chucked all over place, half ruined, no care taken at all. She did say some thank yous at the time but usually prompted. My family treat her as if she’s their own and I’m really hurt that she has just thrown it all aside with no thought.

In contrast, my only just 2 year old (actually turned 2 on Christmas Day) was given a pack of socks today as a little gift from my mum. She looked up, big smile, said “thank you Grandma” with no prompt, then went to put them away nicely in her draw.

Nah, I’d immediately tell mine “well what do you say?”

YANBU. My 4 and 7 year olds always thank anyone who gives them anything, I have taught them that from age 1-2 when they started talking, in fact I have always insisted on it. They do it second nature and genuinely, but if they didn’t both their Dad and I would tell them to, and make it known we disapproved of them not saying it. Good manners are hugely important.

My kids would have definitely said thank you ….

My kids are 13 and 16 and I’d be mortified if they didn’t say thank you and look pleased to receive something. However, my nephew is 11 and is like this. Rarely says thank you even when prompted. He also shakes out any birthday/Christmas cards to see if there is any money in them, and sulks if there isn’t. I find it so so rude.

I used to buy gifts for my friends children I didnt mind so much when they were little the lack of personal thank you and I was never there when they opened gifts so thank you from the parent was okay but the year they were blatantly old enough to be able to message and say thank you themselves and didnt, or my friend didnt even acknowledge id given gifts and never even thanked me I just stopped! Its rude and thoughtless but it is the parents fault if children are not accountable for good manners! Just dont bother giving them anything again.

not unreasonable at all! My son’s footy coach & friend of the family gave all 10 kids a small gift this year & only 1 (not my kid!) said thank you! I was so mad on his behalf & told off mine & the ones I know well .. sent them all back to say thanks!! Manners are so lost now 🙄

This. My children would have the money taken off them. The reason most children are rude is because of poor parenting.

I remember my three year old GD asking for ice cream in a cafe. Said the usual “please” and the lady serving thought she was polite saying please. She was so taken with her that she asked if she wanted another scoop, as she didnt want more she said “no thankyou” and the woman couldnt believe she said it without prompting.

YANBU , ds has had please and thank you drummed into his brain from starting to talk. I don't think it's as common as it used to be though as I'm often told he's very polite. I don't think he is especially.

Manners is the hill I will die on. My 9 year old may need prompting occasionally because he is quite shy but he will always say thank you to gifts. It’s just basic parenting.

I had the same problem with my friends teenagers. They got money and a small gift. No thanks was forthcoming. I ASKED their Mum if they liked said gift and got a oh yeah they said xyz, thank you wasn’t among the xyz, it’s happened two years in a row. Birthdays are coming up in the early half of the year and I feel jaded.

Definitely the fault of your friend

Some people feel really awkward recieving gifts and panic in the moment. Maybe they just felt uncomfortable.

Still not really an excuse and their parents should have prompted them. But it might not just be that they're completely spoiled brats

Then they should message to say thank you later.

Feeling uncomfortable is no excuse.

"Is this where we play 'spot the Autistic woman being picked on by her husband's oblivious Auntie'?.

Dysfunctional, strange, isn't normal and not brought up well are all pretty offensive examples of ableism."

No, that was clearly the part where you play 'Mumsnet armchair doctor' and use it as an excuse to berate another poster @NeverDropYourMooncup

And no, those terms aren't "pretty offensive terms of ableism" ...on the other hand, the fact that you diagnosed a woman you have absolutely no clue about, merely on the the terms dysfunctional, strange, isn't normal, and not brought up well.. well that IS.

And even after @Writersblok clarified for you, and reassured you that she has personal reasons for being sensitive to ableist behaviour, you still couldn't bring yourself to swallow your pride and apologise.. in fact you used the fact that she's a wheelchair user to dismiss her further.
Honestly, your behaviour is awful and it's completely uncalled for on a thread (and post) that had nothing to do with what you're griping about.

Rude. I can understand children that age being a bit awkward about phoning someone to say thank you, but in the moment they should definitely say thank you. They should say thank you whether you were giving them a present or passing them the tv remote - it’s poor of their parents not to say something. If I was the parent I would have pulled them aside and told them off.

My nieces and nephews never say thank you and I've bought gifts and given money to them for the last 30 years! The eldest was 30 this year and got a big fat zero from me, apart from a card, as I've never had a thank you and never so much as a card in return for my own birthdays or Christmas. Sorry, but a line has to be drawn.

My kids don't always say thank you.
They understand the expectations and the social imperative.
My eldest is 23 and autistic with selective mutism. This is best thought of as a phobia of expectation to communicate. When this DC was little and I didn't understand, I drummed politeness into them and made it worse.

My eldest DC will show they appreciated the gift in other ways - being eager to set it up or sign up for something. We perceive gratitude. Thank you is said more in lower stakes situations.

The younger ones do say thank you but because of our particular situation we have never made a huge thing of it. If people think my kids are rude they are welcome to opt out, as you only need to spend a little time with them to learn they are good kids.

My friends kids never say thank you and their parents rarely prompt them. I think it’s becoming more common, sadly.