To expect children to say thank you?

[Nifty50something]

We stopped by a good friend's home yesterday (we were invited) and gave her a gift and also gave £30 to in a Christmas card to each of her children. The children (aged 11 and 16) opened the cards, took the money out and said nothing. After a few minutes I prompted them by asking if they had put it somewhere safe and the 11 year old then said yes, thank you. The 16 year old said nothing.

Afterwards in the car I mentioned to DH I thought it was shocking the children hadn't said thank you, or only one did when prompted by me. The mum did say thank you for her gift but didn't say anything to the children. DH said oh that's normal that's just how children are nowadays. But I can't believe that.

I'm child free and in my 50s. So AIBU to expect a thank you or am I just out of it and behind the times? I don't expect a thank you card or even a text but surely uttering those two words at the time of receiving something surely cannot be too much to expect???

This thread has prompted me to go and get the pack of thank you cards I got for DD and put some stamps on them! 🤣 Along with that year’s Christmas cards, I always get a pack of thank you cards/notelets for DD to send after Christmas. She moans about doing it, but to be fair to her she does eventually do it each year, thank goodness! Even with DD sending them, my sister’s kids don’t seem to get the hint to send or say any thank you back. However, my sister has always had a thing about how her kids should never have to be made to do anything they don’t want to do - which has made them fairly rude children, to be honest. Writing the odd thank you note, or coming down out of your room at a family occasion to show your face and say hello to relatives (or similar), is hardly like child labour.

Two years in a row and no "thank you" from Neice and Nephew..next year they will be only receiving card! They are both old enough to text so no excuse!

It strikes me that nowadays there are so many more ways to say thank you - text, email, message via social media - than there were 30+ years ago when writing a letter or phoning on a landline were the only options. A child could do a template email: 'Dear X, I hope you are well. Thank you so much for sending me X; I have done X with it which I really enjoyed. I'm having a lovely Christmas, I've done X, Y and Z. Wishing you a happy New Year, Love from Johnny." and just fill in the gaps which would take about 2 mins per 'thank you'.

If that were my children I’d have been horrified at how they behaved . My 2 year old doesn’t take a thing without thank you , please and thank you are key manners that we simply will not compromise on. They are so important in life. I’d have thought it was very rude x

Absolutely not how kids are nowadays. I have a 2 and 7 year old and would automatically say ‘what do you say’ if they haven’t said it themselves.

one of Santa’s elves actually made comment on how polite my 2 were saying thank you unprompted. So you are not being unreasonable at all.

Children need reminding……and reminding……. and reminding to say please, thank you, and to use good manners. Even the best behaved kids can forget sometimes. This is the parents fault - they haven’t taught their children to use good manners and they weren’t prompted when they forgot.

My kids are really polite kids (sorry I know biased, but they are, it’s drummed into them). But still every time we are going somewhere I remind them “make sure you say please and thank you, tell the host how delicious the food was, help clear up the table after a meal, say thank you for any gifts etc etc etc.

It doesn’t come naturally to children and they often forget, so it has to be taught (again and again!)

I think if a young child forgets then the parents would prompt. If an older child - 11 or 16 doesn't say it then the parents have failed!

Absolutely YANBU.
Brats.
47, child free too and happy about it every day.

If you thanked the giver in person or in a phone call then thank you cards or letters are unnecessary. My rule was always just that there must be a clear thank you, one way or another.

These children were rude. They should have said thank you immediately and did have a clear opportunity to do so. I would definitely have prompted my children/teenagers to thank the giver if I didn't clearly hear them doing so.

I think if a young child forgets then the parents would prompt. If an older child - 11 or 16 doesn't say it then the parents have failed!

Not necessarily, as I said above.

I think it’s a generational thing that disappeared and needs to be brought back. I’m always asking DS if he said thank you if he got a lift etc. he’s like YEEES

he’s a nightmare at home. No gratitude for anything but everyone comments how polite and respectful he is outside of the home.

when I’ve done something like given him his lunch etc and he says nothing I will walk away singing the moana song. What can I say except you’re welcome.

I get an eye roll.

when my husband presents our dinner as he cooks due to my work patterns, I will say thank you for my delicious meal. And then in a squeaking voice say Thank you dad for my meal!!

maybe I should stop the passive aggressiveness 😂

Childless here too but I know qite a few kids of various ages and even the tinies say please and thank you.

I do have a grandchild who is so shy about saying thank you that it’s really difficult for her so maybe that also applies to those children?

Absolutely not all kids. My DC and (the vast majority) of his friend group all say thank you very nicely - for gifts from DC, meals I make for them, play dates I organize at my place etc. All in the upbringing, I would think.

I'd have prompted them and then had a chat about manners and appreciation once you'd gone. No excuse for being rude like that. One of their first words was Ta, for God's sake.

Yes, they should have said thank you but I'd not have prompted them in public if o was the parent. Just made them text, message or send card later

My nephews and nieces were the same so haven't had a present from me in years and as soon as the presents stopped, so did any contact from them.
I don't miss them.
My DC knows to say thank you and even though they are an adult now, I'd still read them the riot act if I ever thought they were being ungrateful.

They wouldn't get a gift again.

My niece and nephew never say thank you. Niece (8) turned her nose up at her birthday gift this year and said "eww". It was something quite expensive she'd asked for. Her mum (SIL) asked us to get it as she was short of money (although she's never short when it comes to her nights out every Friday and Saturday).

We gave them both a £20 voucher for the toy shop this Christmas as I couldn't be arsed putting any effort in when it's not appreciated. My two are lucky if SIL remembers to buy them selection box each.

While my two (2&5) know how to say please and thank you, before going to my parents for Christmas dinner we had to explain if they got a present they don't like they've still to smile and say thank you. Kids don't know unless they are taught

I’d be mortified if they were my kids!

I used to make DD send thank you cards when she was younger. I have never once had a thank you card from either of my nieces nor even a thank you text, both are currently late teens. I've actually from last years Xmas stopped sending presents it irked me so much.

Ditto. My 5 year old always says thank you. Your friend needs to take their kids to task and instil some basic manners. I wouldn’t give them a gift again and I’d make a point of explaining to their parents why.

My DS has situational mutism and really can't cope with "performing" for people. I get him to send a card after the event though.

Unless they are acutely shy, a thank you is in order.

if shy maybe a thank you card after the event and a gentle prod from a parent.

£30 is very generous

YANBU to expect some form of thanks. If unable to at the time, then in some other form later, or at the very least a thank you from the parent on their behalf.