To expect children to say thank you?

[Nifty50something]

We stopped by a good friend's home yesterday (we were invited) and gave her a gift and also gave £30 to in a Christmas card to each of her children. The children (aged 11 and 16) opened the cards, took the money out and said nothing. After a few minutes I prompted them by asking if they had put it somewhere safe and the 11 year old then said yes, thank you. The 16 year old said nothing.

Afterwards in the car I mentioned to DH I thought it was shocking the children hadn't said thank you, or only one did when prompted by me. The mum did say thank you for her gift but didn't say anything to the children. DH said oh that's normal that's just how children are nowadays. But I can't believe that.

I'm child free and in my 50s. So AIBU to expect a thank you or am I just out of it and behind the times? I don't expect a thank you card or even a text but surely uttering those two words at the time of receiving something surely cannot be too much to expect???

Of course they should say thank you! And their mother should have prompted them with 'the look' if they failed to do so! I think it's the bare minimum of teaching your children manners.

We've given money to a near teenager and a 15 year old in their card ( £50 each ) the mother send a thank you text but nothing from the actual children .
Yes your recipients are old enough to reply , likewise my ones , but sadly they don't and really it's the parent fault for not making it something they should do .

Does she give you gifts? If so, you would think she would notice that you thank her, and do likewise.😳

My one year old says thank-you regularly (obviously not always in the correct situation) because she learnt it off my two year old because he says that much. Saying that - i'm guessing some teenagers regress heavily and maybe they were polite kids beforehand.

that’s incredibly rude. My DCs would have received a look and we would be having a little chat about manners later in the evening.

My niece and nephew never say thank you for any gift, and niece is almost 18 (and plenty old enough to text me a thank you message or send a postcard with a few lines - she has my phone number and address!)

I still give them some cash or a gift at Christmas and birthdays because my sister expects it - but as soon as they each get to 18, that’s it. I’m a pretty generous person and would have been happy to continue the cash gifts indefinitely if they could just have stirred themselves to send a basic thanks, but there you go. It’s their loss.

I always get DD to write a thank you note - it’s just such poor manners not to at least say, text or send a thank you.

I think that's rude, and would never give your friend's children such a generous financial gift again.
My nephews and nieces (when they were children) would very rarely acknowledge a sent gift - which was a bit jarring - but they would genuinely thank you if you gave the gift in person.

It’s definitely rude

We stopped giving presents when thanks weren't forthcoming. All the different ways of getting in touch to say 'thank you' and they couldn't be arsed. If they can't be bothered neither can we.

If they don't thank me I don't give them anything else.

That’s pretty shocking.

You’re very generous. £30 is a lot of money to an 11 and 16 year old.

That’s appalling. I wouldn’t give them anything next year.

Is this where we play 'spot the Autistic woman being picked on by her husband's oblivious Auntie'?.

Dysfunctional, strange, isn't normal and not brought up well are all pretty offensive examples of ableism.

It's rude.

We have stopped a lot of giftgiving these years. Not worth it.

Same. I have a SIL who made a big deal about how we had to post gifts to her 3 kids (they live in another country). So that's 3 birthdays, and 3 Christmases. The 1st year I did so, I received a thank you for one of the gifts. The second year I received none. I sent no more gifts...

My siblings’ children and grandchildren always say thank you, whereas I’ve noticed a lot of friends’ offspring and their friends treat adults as their staff. Actually, I would be politer to staff.

My family is working-class and most of my friends are middle-class. Just my observation.

Definitely rude.

No , they aren’t examples of ableism. They are a stated fact. Virtually EVERY poster on this topic has agreed it’s “not normal” and “very rude” to not say thank you. Nephews wife is categorically not autistic, just bloody rude, like her very strange, very rude parents. Perhaps you think it’s ok for people not to say thank you, on the basis they might be autistic!. No, she’s just bloody rude. Like the time she got up midway through Sunday lunch and said she was going for a nap, because she’d had too much to drink ( something she does regularly) and walked off. Upon meeting her parents, I was shocked by their own appalling lack of grace, and manners. They are in their 70s- they should have learned to express gratitude, but they simply don’t, so obviously their daughter thinks this is ok.dont presume to tell me about ableism. I’m a wheelchair user, and I’ve seen plenty of “offensive” examples. It is “not normal” to grow up never saying thank you, and getting drunk at every family lunch. Sorry, but I’m “not normal” - I’m in a wheelchair, unable to walk and incontinent. I think I’m allowed to define myself as not normal. Because most of the population can walk and aren’t incontinent !!!

Extremely rude, they aren’t babies. My 2.5 year old has managed to say thankyou unprompted for around half of his gifts this year and with a little prompt has thanked for everything. There is no excuse for an 11 and 16 year old.

Not normal in my house. Two young DC and I’m a stickler for manners

Very rude and bad mannered. Don't give them money again.

It's nothing to do with being child free OP. If an adult would say thank you for a present that you've given, why wouldn't a child? It's poor training on the parents part. I've given him DB's three near-adult children £50 apiece Christmas money for the last few years whilst DB has given my one child less than this (not that the value should matter, but it does add to the effect). The difference is that my one child always says thank you whilst his three children never do.

A lot of DC are not taught or expected to say thank you now. I'm late 40s so hardly old, with DC ranging from 20s to pre teens, and it's definitely changed since I had my oldest. Even among my actual friends, there's not a consistent expectation from parents that their DC will have basic manners. I know several people (otherwise sane and pleasant!) who think it's "shaming" to pull DC up on not saying please/thank you and therefore don't insist on it.

I'm quietly appalled and always expect my DC to say please and thank you. One of my DC has learning differences but I expect the same of him too. We often rehearse with him how to react to gifts while on the way to visit relatives for Christmas/birthdays - he knows that even if he isn't keen on something he still needs to say thank you and ideally find something nice to say about the gift. I'm definitely more strict about it than most parents I know.

My DC is 3 and I prompt him to say please when he's asking for something and thank you when he's given something / at the end of the groups and classes we go to / at childcare / when family have come to visit etc. He's learning good manners are nice as people respond positively to please and thank you.

I would be surprised that at 11 and 16 they didn't say thank you immediately to £30 in a card. I would also be surprised that the parent didn't step in and check if they had said thank you.

Good manners, saying please and thank you, all seem to be a complete after thought to a lot of people. For me it's alongside dropping litter, deliberately spitting in the street, damaging property. A complete lack of consideration and care for other people.

Absolutely not normal behaviour.
But blame the parent that allowed that behaviour to stand.
I wouldn't dream of giving another gift to either child again.