To expect children to say thank you?

[Nifty50something]

We stopped by a good friend's home yesterday (we were invited) and gave her a gift and also gave £30 to in a Christmas card to each of her children. The children (aged 11 and 16) opened the cards, took the money out and said nothing. After a few minutes I prompted them by asking if they had put it somewhere safe and the 11 year old then said yes, thank you. The 16 year old said nothing.

Afterwards in the car I mentioned to DH I thought it was shocking the children hadn't said thank you, or only one did when prompted by me. The mum did say thank you for her gift but didn't say anything to the children. DH said oh that's normal that's just how children are nowadays. But I can't believe that.

I'm child free and in my 50s. So AIBU to expect a thank you or am I just out of it and behind the times? I don't expect a thank you card or even a text but surely uttering those two words at the time of receiving something surely cannot be too much to expect???

My kids are 9 and 13 and if they don’t say thank you they don’t have the gift anymore. That is literal bare minimum parenting.

DH said oh that's normal that's just how children are nowadays.

It’s not normal nowadays. My children have received lots of money this Xmas and we have gifted lots of family and friends children money this Xmas, all have said thank you.

Your friend and her kids are rude and your husband must be mixing with lots of rude people who haven’t brought their children up with good manners if he thinks that is how children are nowadays. Maybe you should both look at who you’re mixing with.

Well you now know that next year you’ll be saving a lot of money not buying these rude people anything!

Really rude of the children who should know better and your friend not to remind them.
I would expect my dc to have manners and would remind them if needed
Saying that my neice never says thank you even when opening thoughtful gifts in front of you. She doesn't get anything from me know
My bil yesterday didn't say a word to my family yesterday not thank you or merry Christmas

That’s really rude of them, I have 2 teens and they would have definitely said thank you. Surprised the mum didn’t say anything at them not saying thank you as well!

I think I'd be tempted to knock back a bottle in order to deal with a meal involving a random auntie who doesn't see disability beyond using a wheelchair.

I'd be telling their mother exactly what I thought of their lack of manners as well.

I was always taught to say thank you, even if it wasnt something I was pleased with. As a child I was made to write thank you letters to distant relatives who sent gifts via my parents. Parents who fail to teach their children the basic politeness of saying, please, thank you and excuse me are doing them an ill service.

I can recall an incident where a friend of mine had advertised a job for an office junior (when there were still such roles). He chose one applicant over another because the rejected one had been rude to his secretary,

Yep, children of that age should have basic manners.

My only just 4 year old is expected to say thank you. If she doesn't I will prompt her but sometimes she still gets shy and hides her face instead. She does regularly thank me for dinner without prompting and says please without being reminded probably 70% of the time. Manners is definitely a hill I will die on! I also say thank you to her if she does something for me - it works both ways.

No it’s not normal. My 3 were given £10 in a giftcard by a family friend they are 11 & 15 & they each said thank you as they opened it. My kids always say thank you.
watched my son at his christmas fair on a stall
and he apologised saying he didn’t have enough change yet (£1 a go and she handed him £5 note) she said it was ok they could just put the extra in the box as it was for charity. My son “are you sure” followed by “thanks so much thats so kind of you” he didn’t know we were standing near by and no teachers either but he still remembered. She responded by saying what a lovely boy he was. Manners cost nothing although there are plenty of kids with no manners it’s certainly not normal

I must admit, I did wonder what posters would say if they were challenged as to why the gifts had stopped. Would they tell the truth, or mumble something about budgets or similar to avoid an awkward situation? Just stopping giving wouldn't really be teaching anything, would it.

Absolutely this xx

Would you ?. Amazing. I’ve never felt the need to knock back anything when faced with genuine ableism. If anything the ignorance of someone’s ableism normally makes me laugh because I feel sorry for their apparent lack of emotional intelligence. Actually, I’m not “a random auntie”, but the person who largely bought my nieces husband up. He says thank you appropriately, doesn’t get wrecked at every family lunch. He behaves like a “normal” person. Many of us have married people we eventually find have questionable qualities we may not like. My own husband does. Doesn’t make him Autistic, hasn’t driven me to “knock back a bottle” all the time because I find he can sometimes be difficult to deal with. Haven’t you got something better to do ?.it’s Boxing Day. Knock back a couple of bottles, but I do hope if they were a gift, you said “thank you” 😂😂😂

kids often don't say thanks because they are tied up in their own thoughts, thinking about what they're going to do next etc. but if prompted normally do say thanks.

That is rude, and shame on the mum for not prompting them too.

I'm your age and childfree too. In my day, I would have been expected not only to thank on receipt but to write you a 'thank you' letter saying what I'd spent the money on.

As a child, writing thank you letters was just something done as standard - I liked writing letters and wrote every week of my own volition to my grandma, who I loved beyond anyone else, so I wrote my Christmas and birthday thank you letters on blue Basildon Bond and thought no more of it.

Now when I look back, I like to think of all those long-dead elderly aunties receiving my little letters back in the 70s and 80s, saying I'd bought a skirt for my Sindy with their £5 and seen Snow White at the theatre with an ice cream in the interval, and I hope it brightened their day.

Yes, I wouldn't give them anything next year. Rude kids.

She does sometimes say thank you if I’m present in person (sometimes), but never sends a text, or writes a thank you note if I send Xmas gifts by post….

My 4 and 5 year old wouldn’t dare not use manners always ! They were rude

No, it's definitely not how children are these days. My young dcs say please and thank you. If they have ever forgotten due to excitement or whatever, I have sharp reminded them, and one is AuADHD.

It's not necessarily about the parenting. My sister and I were brought up to write thank you letters to grandma, aunties etc. Our mother was quite strict about it. I continued to do so as an adult. When my sister had children of her own, my mother would send things and never hear a word. As she said, she just wanted to know that the things had arrived.

I very soon stopped sending gifts to sister's children because I never heard whether they had received them.

My mum sent vouchers to her great-nephews for several years and never heard a dicky bird back. I told her very firmly not to bother after hearing her lament this for the nth time, and thankfully, she stopped. Their parents (my cousin and spouse) were a similar age to me - i.e. from the thank you letter as standard era, however my sister and I have found that whole side of the family to be pretty toxic and we have had no contact with them for many years.

Rude. But it’s not just limited to kids. We gave gift cards to SIL and her adult child and got no acknowledgment. They have done this a few times. DH and I agreed to draw the line.

I don’t think it’s a case of it being the norm ‘nowadays’, I think there’s always been polite kids and there’s been rude little buggers. I can’t believe their mum didn’t say anything either, shockingly rude.
It certainly wouldn’t fly in my house 😅

My 2 year old says thank you for everything (when I’m with him) prompted or unprompted. It’s basic & it means so much. I’d have been unable to have kept my mouth shut in that situation that’s shocking.