To stop sending my daughter money when she’s not attending lectures?

[Pomegranatecarnage]

My daughter is in her second year of a science-based degree. She’s always been a high achiever, and easily got into the course with two A starred and two A at A level. However, she says she’s finding the course hard, and thought about dropping out after the first year. I told her to drop out before starting second year if she was going to, but she decided to carry on. She gets a good student finance package as we are Welsh. I have been sending her money, and she also gets PIP of around £500 a month. She told us last night casually that she hasn’t been to any lectures at all so would find her January exams difficult. When I asked why, she said it was because of the bus fare of £5 a day. She lives 3 miles away from campus. However, she just spent over £1000 on a skiing trip. It caused a huge argument on Christmas Day, and I said I wouldn’t send her money any longer as it wasn’t being used to help with her studies, but to go on holiday (she has another holiday booked for February). I feel very disappointed in her and upset that she’d bring this up on Christmas Day (at least it was after 9pm). What’s the point in going to university if you don’t attend lectures? AIBU to feel upset and worried?

There's more going on. She needs to contact her uni as they will likely have support for students readily avaliable. Maybe visit the GP with her, is she showing signs of depression, anxiety? In my case, looking back now, my undiagnosed adhd really took flight at uni and I nearly dropped out second year and had to redo some work over the summer. I was struggling massively but couldn't voice it or see it for what it was. I was a very able student at school, but the lack of structure at uni, plus everything else that comes with going to uni just overwhelmed me.
Not saying you're daughter needs a diagnosis, but she's telling you she needs help, so despite technically being an adult she needs you to support her to get the right support. Helping her to manage her money is one thing, using that money for tutoring or counselling could be a good plan. Speaking to the uni directly to see what resources they have to offer.

But my brain would have said- I told my parent I am struggling and they punished me by removing finanical support. I won't tell them again.

Completely understand your instant reaction, but she needs support now.

If she is getting a full loan and PIP does she need a contribution from you?

Agree she needs some kind of help. If she coasted through school but then suddenly finds the work hard, she may be avoiding it to avoid feeling stupid. What grades did she get in first year exams? Ask her what aspects of the course she likes and what she struggles with. Try to help her identify where she needs support.

and if after all that, she really is spending all her money on holidays and lying in bed instead of studying, then cut the cash.

I think you need to try and understand what her plan is going forward. If she fails the tests will she/ can she resit - does she want to? Is she being lazy and not getting bus in or is there another reason.

I think you need to establish facts before you remove money - but yes it would annoy me that she is now spending a lot of money on holidays.

Hasn't gone to lectures but following them online or just not doing the course at all?

She needs to reach out to whoever she can at uni for help. Usually second and third year work counts toward her final grade. Does she have a DSA person? Personal tutor?

I think she maybe wanted to drop out but was there a discussion about what she would do instead? This is easier for her in a way as it kicks the can down the road. If she fails her second year she won't be allowed to continue, does she know that? You need to talk to her, calmly.

Unis have fairly strict attendance rules these days, so she'd better not fall foul of those.
And you're quite right to kick up a fuss, if you're basically subsidising fancy holidays.

You will really struggle in any Science degree unless you attend lectures in some form. Does she listen to the recordings of the lectures and attend tutorials?

She needs to learn to budget and understand the difference between necessities (travel to lectures) and luxuries (holidays).

I agree with you that tough love is required here. Of course, talk to her and try and understand what is going on. But also tell her that holidays etc are very much contingent on her studying and attending lectures.

I wouldn’t pay to facilitate my child failing their degree either.

Probably not, I offered it to cover a few extra costs, it’s only £160 a month.

This post nails it. Your dd is on PIP for a reason. She needs support.

Why is she on PIP?

My dd is on PIP. She struggles with attending lectures but she does go.

There are no attendance checks at her uni though. Loads miss lectures. She watches them online.

To answer a few questions, she finds the statistics hard, but hasn’t attended any of the catch-up sessions provided to help students who struggle in this area. She has a boyfriend who she seems to be with all the time (he’s from her secondary school, but they got together just before University and it was a coincidence that they had picked the same University).
She is not enjoying the course and wishes she’d picked something else, but when advised to switch after year 1, she didn’t.
I have told her to access student services, but she doesn’t do it even after agreeing she will. She is a very stubborn character and often I get the impression that she likes to complain but won’t do anything to help herself.
She used to be a perfectionist in terms of study hence 12 A star at GCSE but also has a severe eating disorder. This is why she gets PIP. Edited to add that She is now a healthy weight.

So she's wracking up all that student loan debt and not even studying. What a stupid thing to do.

She's risking getting kicked out. A friend's daughter has just failed her second year and was asked to leave. No 2nd chances.

Ask her what her plans are when she is asked to leave as then she won't have the student loans to pay for her accommodation. Will she be moving home? What sort of job will she get to contribute towards ger household expenses? How will she afford to visit ger boyfriend?
A few pointed questions might concentrate her mind a bit.

YANBU she obviously thinks she can “go to uni without going to uni” I wouldn’t finance that. she’s taking the piss. And all that PIP can’t pay for the bus? she’ll have to manage without your money. put it towards another child who’s actually taking their education seriously- or yourself!

I’m surprised the uni hasn’t picked this up. If she’s on PIP then she must have some health issues. Is she awarded DSA?
My DS has struggled w his MH at uni (he’s third year now) but he’s had a lot of support from wellbeing/his personal tutor etc. She needs to access student support in whatever form it comes.
He can’t always get to lectures and he does watch online, thankfully all lectures are recorded.

She won’t engage with student services. She can’t be bothered. She has PIP for an eating disorder, but is currently at a healthy weight. From what she says, she doesn’t want to spend £5 on the bus. She’s always been very tight with money, but will spend thousands on travelling.

Do you think she really did say it 'casually,' or do you think she's actually struggling and that was how she managed to come out with it?

If it's got to the point where she is worrying about her exams, she must know it's serious. She wouldn't be the first student to have got into a mess and not know how to catch up.

I'd want to know whether the money is really the issue - if it is, she's mismanaging her money and she does deserve a ticking off, but she also needs to take steps quickly so she can catch up on what she's missed, and to work out a contingency plan for if she doesn't do well in January.

But lots of students also struggle with organisation in ways that can seem very basic. Can you try to ask her when she stopped going, and tease out why? I would wonder whether the money question isn't a figleaf for something else - maybe she is getting lost during the lecture and isn't following and she's got nervous; maybe she feels exposed because she hasn't got to know people; maybe she's struggling with organisation or sleep and she's mucking up her timetable by not getting out early enough. All of those things would be really common, but if they turn into entrenched problems, of course you worry.

Are any of these lectures recorded? Can she get notes from someone else on the course? She needs some strategies to get back on track here.

Does she have traits of being ND? Eating disorders are more common in ND people and it might be that the eating disorder has masked other issues. Burning out at university can be common in that situation.

Whatever the underlying issue is, she needs to engage with the university support services and manage it. Denial will only result in her failing and leaving her with pointless debts.

So shes getting herself massively into debt for no reason? I would immediately stop the money and ask her what her next plan is also I dont mean to be rude but if pip find out shes recovered that may be classed as fraud. Shes well enough to go travelling op does she even need pip?

@SarahAndQuack
She is very sociable and has lots of friends, but spends a lot of time with her boyfriend and I have the impression they get up very late.
She said she hasn’t attended a single lecture on that module.

To be honest, PIP know about the travelling and have doctors reports and she was still awarded it which surprised me.

Yes, she has a history of OCD as well. She tends to hyperfocus. At school she focused on her studies.

So she's struggling with organisation, basically.

I am a bit torn here - half of any rational adult wants to say 'FGS, set your alarm, ignore your boyfriend, and get to the bloody lecture'. But the other half knows that people your DD's age - especially if they've got low body fat reserves and/or are still growing, and she may be - can be exhausted. And getting up in the morning can be a real battle.

It doesn't excuse anything, obviously, but she might have got herself into a bad cycle that she doesn't know how to break. And at least she's telling you! You read posts on here from people whose children only admit how bad things have got when they show up at the end of year 3 with no degree.

If it were me I really would want to talk to her again and see if you can probe a bit deeper into what is happening.

On the plus side, if she is sociable, surely some friend has those course notes and can at least try to help her catch up before exams?

If she fails the January exams then uni will pick up in this.

there are usually resits in the summer and sometimes in August as well.

she will be picked up and student services/whoever will speak to her.

at my DD’s uni this would result in her being put on a support plan and given additional support (=being given a kick up the bum).

it’s not uncommon for students to do badly/fail module exams, often due to illness or similar. There will be a process.

keep sending her the money if that is what you have agreed.