To stop sending my daughter money when she’s not attending lectures?

[Pomegranatecarnage]

My daughter is in her second year of a science-based degree. She’s always been a high achiever, and easily got into the course with two A starred and two A at A level. However, she says she’s finding the course hard, and thought about dropping out after the first year. I told her to drop out before starting second year if she was going to, but she decided to carry on. She gets a good student finance package as we are Welsh. I have been sending her money, and she also gets PIP of around £500 a month. She told us last night casually that she hasn’t been to any lectures at all so would find her January exams difficult. When I asked why, she said it was because of the bus fare of £5 a day. She lives 3 miles away from campus. However, she just spent over £1000 on a skiing trip. It caused a huge argument on Christmas Day, and I said I wouldn’t send her money any longer as it wasn’t being used to help with her studies, but to go on holiday (she has another holiday booked for February). I feel very disappointed in her and upset that she’d bring this up on Christmas Day (at least it was after 9pm). What’s the point in going to university if you don’t attend lectures? AIBU to feel upset and worried?

I do agree with what you’re saying, but I’m sending the money of £40 a week to cover transport and a few extras and she says she doesn’t want to pay for the bus and that’s why she’s not going. But I’m paying for the bus! However, she paid over £1,000 for a ski trip. I feel like she’s using my money to pay for the holidays.

I don't think you should be sending money to support her self-indulgence tbh

Also Welsh. DD gets full loan too and we only give money as and when needed - not monthly and a tiny percentage of what you give your DD. My DD picks up work here and there in the holidays - waitressing, TA work so not mega bucks. Yet she has saved money this year.

Something going on here OP and YANBU to dig around a bit more. Don’t give her the cash directly - bank it into an account for her.

Something is either wrong and she needs support or she’s utterly taking the piss.

If she doesn't want to pay for the bus why did she choose to live where she does?

This is a genuine question and not meant to goad but what is the PIP meant to pay for.

I don’t know. I didn’t apply for it, but I know other young people who also get it for MH problems.

She didn’t want to stay in halls. I’ve asked her these questions.

It's for the extra costs of being disabled. For example if someone can't use public transport, they may use taxis or if they get the enhanced mobility rate, exchange it for a car

Im very suprised as she sounds very independent I would be very careful shes not lied on the forms. She doesn’t sound entitled from what youve said. Last thing she wants is a massive fraud bill, they are coming down hard on claimants now.

She didn’t lie. She had an in-person interview and was awarded it on the basis of that. I was surprised too.

Ok so she’s on PIP but presumably if she is physically in good enough shape to go on skiing holidays then she doesn’t need bus fares because she can walk? I hate to say it but she sounds like a bit of a piss taker. Can’t be bothered with studies but doesn’t seem to have any difficulty buggering off on skiing trips costing over £1000. No wonder she’s so lazy getting funding, pip and money sent to her every week. Obviously you need to stop sending her money. If she fails, which is almost certain if she hasn’t bothered to go to any lectures that are not even costing her bus fares anyway, then that’s her problem. Incidentally when they throw her off the course where is she going to live? Hopefully not rent free at home?

I have no useful advice but I just want to share that my DD is exactly the same. She’ll go uncomfortable at home for however long necessary (we’re currently on a longstanding bedding battle since summer) because she doesn’t want to part with £30, but then turn around and fly off somewhere every month.

I was a great student and struggled a lot when I transitioned to uni myself, I think it’s fairly common and it could simply be the case that uni isn’t for her. Or maybe not at this point in time.

As your DD doesn’t actually need the money you send her, I’d offer to pay for something directly instead (ie her monthly pass for commuting to lectures).

If her needs have changed she needs to inform them

They haven’t. This isn’t a thread about PIP.

If she hasn’t attended lectures and not enjoying her course, she’d be better to cut her losses and to give up. Maybe you need that conversation with her. You’ll be tied into accommodation until Easter but if you give notice now, you may be able to stop
then.

I’d be cross also if she couldn’t manage or wanted to spend for a bus trip but can go abroad on holiday. The two don’t tally.

I think she’s tied in till the summer as it’s private rental, and has already found accommodation for next year which is her final year. I can’t get my head around it.

If she does go back to Uni after Christmas can you buy her a bus pass instead of giving her the money, then her travel is paid for directly by you and she can’t use the £5.00 fare as an excuse not to attend.

I have to say the more you reveal, the more lazy and bone idle she sounds. I don’t think there’s really any advice anyone can give you here. It’s pretty obvious where this is going to end. And it won’t be with a degree. Just don’t make a rod for your own back and let her free load off of you when she does get thrown out of Uni. Which is a dead cert anyway.

I would definitely stop sending her money then, and as others have suggested, buy her a bus season ticket instead. Really surprised the uni haven’t caught up with her, or she’s hiding the truth from you , and maybe already been kicked out?

But you can understand that fellow tax payers are wondering why their money is going towards funding holidays for a perfectly abled young woman who used to have an eating disorder. She's clearly playing the system and her mother. I would be very disappointed in her and not be sending any money.

I’d be fuming op.

Basically I am surprised that they have not threatened to withhold her next lot of funding if she hasn’t been attending her lessons

I think you should stop based on the fact she gets her pip plus her loans

I wonder if her boyfriend is also flunking out

She still has an eating disorder, and probably always will. I have spend thousands on therapy.

I’m a lecturer. Most students drop out in second year ime, if they’re going to go then it’s usually that year because the pressure ramps up. Skipping lectures is also massively common, particularly since all are recorded now anyway. She can watch them all back to revise for her exams.

Honestly though, sounds like the course isn’t for her and she should think about transferring.

Your daughter sounds just like me. I was late diagnosed ADHD and it's been fucking hard living til my mid 30s with no understanding or support. I'e only just begun to be financially responsible (disorganisation and executive functioning issues plus that dopamine hit of a purchase - in your daughter's case, travel - means I tried but always failed to budget, pay bills on time and even do basic money management).

Have a chat with her and be supportive. Being defensive will only push her further away. You can get across her unreasonable-ness without being unkind about it.

And because this is MN, just want to add that yes, she is being unreasonable but she may not have the cognition to realise it, or to know how to fix it. Her dropping it in, seemingly casually to you, is her first step in asking for help.

You sound like a great mum OP. 💐

You don't just stop having an eating disorder.
You don't just stop having OCD.
The money is there tk help her manage those things.
I would buy her a bus pass and not give her the money directly have a conversation about what she is going to do when she fails her January exams.
You say that with the OCD she hyperfocused on her studies at A Levels, but now it appears that same focus is going on her boyfriend and travels. She needs support in managing her time, money, and focus.
She sounds like me, only recently diagnosed wjth ADHD. I jumped to what gave me the dopamine fix, and found uni extremely hard.
Encourage her to get back into therapy, she needs to work through all of this to get to a better place.