To stop sending my daughter money when she’s not attending lectures?

[Pomegranatecarnage]

My daughter is in her second year of a science-based degree. She’s always been a high achiever, and easily got into the course with two A starred and two A at A level. However, she says she’s finding the course hard, and thought about dropping out after the first year. I told her to drop out before starting second year if she was going to, but she decided to carry on. She gets a good student finance package as we are Welsh. I have been sending her money, and she also gets PIP of around £500 a month. She told us last night casually that she hasn’t been to any lectures at all so would find her January exams difficult. When I asked why, she said it was because of the bus fare of £5 a day. She lives 3 miles away from campus. However, she just spent over £1000 on a skiing trip. It caused a huge argument on Christmas Day, and I said I wouldn’t send her money any longer as it wasn’t being used to help with her studies, but to go on holiday (she has another holiday booked for February). I feel very disappointed in her and upset that she’d bring this up on Christmas Day (at least it was after 9pm). What’s the point in going to university if you don’t attend lectures? AIBU to feel upset and worried?

I don't get how she qualifies for PIP?
I live a half life due to a disability and I still can't see how I would meet the criteria to qualify

Then tell her to walk… it should take less than an hour.

It feels a bit shit to realise I work full time with disability to fund someone elses ski trips

If you have a disability, don’t you get PIP? Also, I pay a lot of tax too, so I don’t think the ski trip was funded entirely through your tax.

My DD’s flatmate was thrown out of university because she stopped going to lectures. She was depressed and she just stopped going. They emailed her and invited her to a meeting but she didn’t read it because she had stopped doing a lot of things. It was a bit of a wake up call because you don’t get the next instalment of your loan if you aren’t at university but you still have to pay your rent. She ended up appealing and she had to do second year again. It wasn’t a great experience for anyone. She got a job in Macdonalds for the rest of the year. She had to pay council tax for the whole flat because she wasn’t a student any more.

I am not a PIP assessor. Have you applied for it?

No, heaps of people with disabilities don't qualify. Lots of people have to work with disability without getting any help

op

ignore those commenting on her pip! They are clearly projecting their own issues onto your daughter

she is the least of their worries !

I am sorry to hear that you don’t qualify. I know of a lot of people who get PIP who don’t appear to need it. However, my thread isn’t about PIP. As I said previously, I have spent thousands on private therapy for my DD as the NHS services are not fit for purpose.

It sounds like she’s not ready for uni. I wouldn’t be sending her money and I’d be encouraging her to take some time out, actually travel, get a job and figure out who she is.

I say this as a former uni lecturer and as someone who left uni because at the time I wasn’t ready and it wasn’t a good fit. I struggled in my first year too. It was all too much. What I actually needed was time off to figure out who I was and what I wanted to do. Work and travel both made a real difference for me.

If she’s able to go skiing and plan travel, she’s well enough to work. I’ve been off work this past year due to stage 3 cancer. I do not qualify for PIP. Absolutely no bloody way I could go skiing. I managed a holiday only with lots of naps and limited walking and being very careful how I paced myself, having places I knew I could sit if I got dizzy, etc.

To me, it sounds like she needs to focus on figuring out herself and what she needs from life after a tough few years. But she probably doesn’t need loads of money. And she probably doesn’t need to be in uni right now if she’s not passionate about it and confident about where she’s going.

Thank you for this very helpful post and your insight into her character. I think you’re right.

Surely the bus would be cheaper if she bought a weekly or monthly pass?

I'd buy her bus pass instead of giving her the money. I suspect this isn't about the bus, but it removes the excuse.

I am sorry you didn’t qualify for PIP. My friend had the same with stage 3 cancer, and eventually did get it on the third application.

I’ve researched it, and it’s not cheaper bizarrely as she only has lectures four days a week and the weekly pass is £20 but the daily is £5. As others have said, it’s pronto about the bus at all.

Yes bus pass is a good idea. She does sound entitled tbh, in that she feels entitled to be at university without having to do any studying or make an effort. That's not right. There is help for students who are struggling but if she's not ever bothering to go to class then that's on her. I wouldn't be happy with her using that money for a skiing holiday either.

Hi OP, hyperfocus, perfectionism and procrastination/possible PDA (not getting out of bed to go to lectures, not getting round to making a decision to switch courses) are classic signs of inattentive-type ADHD in young women, which is probably missed by psychiatrists more often than it is correctly diagnosed.

I would get her ASAP to a child/young adult psychiatrist who specialises in diagnosing ADHD in girls/young women so she has a diagnosis to show her university to explain her imminent failed exams and can access specialist ADHD coaching and even medications to help her settle down and work hard for her next set of exams.

Please DM if you’d like a specific recommendation.

Bear in mind it will be very difficult to get her to the appointment as she will, of course, procrastinate and avoid booking and attending the appointment. If it was my own DD I’d probably bribe her to attend by offering to pay for a future holiday, rather than cancelling my current contributions.

Can you buy her a monthly bus pass rather than giving her bus fair… if nothing else to ‘smoke out’ if there’s a deeper reason?

I’ve made the mistake in the past of saving pennies but frivolously spending pounds if my focus isn’t on the right thing.

Sorry I see I didn’t read page 3 and it’s already been mentioned. It genuinely still could be this she’s focusing on or could be something else entirely but it might help move forward.

Name change as this is difficult.. my child was at university, not attending lectures and not handing in coursework.. no support from student services and we knew nothing about it.

£500 a month for Pip is ridiculous!! She will have the full loan, plus £500. She will likely have more money than most adults.

I bought DD a bus pass, not just to get to lectures, but because she uses the bus for nights out too.

It’s actually £440- I agree.

So plenty of money for a bus ticket

I’d be annoyed too, and 2nd year science degrees are hard even for A* students!
Is there more going on? Could she have any mental health issues? Or even as simple as is this the first time she’s actually finding something academically difficult and is a bit overwhelmed?

There’s definitely time to turn things around if that’s what she wants, she should focus on studying for her core module exams and then work hard for the summer ones to make up her a average mark. There is also some flexibility usually to change courses between 2/3rd year as long as the courses are within the same faculty and not completely different.

With the money situation, yes you would be justified in giving her less spending money, but also maybe pay for things directly instead- like buy her a bus pass and a good stock of food, or some supermarket vouchers.

Also as frustrating as this situation is try to remember she is still young (19/20?) and won’t be fully mature yet! Some of her decision making is not going to be what an older person would do!

That's useful 🙄

I would also agree that reading between the lines- perfectionism, ocd, eating disorder etc - sounds like she could be autistic/ adhd. This will affect everything.