To stop sending my daughter money when she’s not attending lectures?

[Pomegranatecarnage]

My daughter is in her second year of a science-based degree. She’s always been a high achiever, and easily got into the course with two A starred and two A at A level. However, she says she’s finding the course hard, and thought about dropping out after the first year. I told her to drop out before starting second year if she was going to, but she decided to carry on. She gets a good student finance package as we are Welsh. I have been sending her money, and she also gets PIP of around £500 a month. She told us last night casually that she hasn’t been to any lectures at all so would find her January exams difficult. When I asked why, she said it was because of the bus fare of £5 a day. She lives 3 miles away from campus. However, she just spent over £1000 on a skiing trip. It caused a huge argument on Christmas Day, and I said I wouldn’t send her money any longer as it wasn’t being used to help with her studies, but to go on holiday (she has another holiday booked for February). I feel very disappointed in her and upset that she’d bring this up on Christmas Day (at least it was after 9pm). What’s the point in going to university if you don’t attend lectures? AIBU to feel upset and worried?

I don’t think it’s about the money rather she is a high performing perfectionist & has OCD & eating disorder. So this is probably the first time she has been challenged academically. So she could be avoiding something she finds difficult.

I’m also surprised that people can get £500/month for an eating disorder. On top of her student loan I would think she can manage financially. Clearly she can if she can afford a ski trip. I know the thread isn’t about PIP but it seems she is playing both you & the taxpayer. The majority of people working full time can’t afford a ski trip. So clearly she has enough income & doesn’t need your financial support.

So she hasn't gone to any lectures, or she just hasn't gone to lectures for statistics?
I d get her the bus pass, it not being any cheaper is besides the point
I think at this point you need to hold off, if she passes her exams there's no argument to be had really. If she has to repeat that's on her to manage but obviously I'd point her in the way of student support etc.
Is there a chance uni could ask her to leave now due to non attendance or failing lots of exams?

As far as I know, she hadn’t failed anything-yet. She goes to practicals but not lectures. To be honest, it’s difficult to get the truth out of her. Her boyfriend has always been a slacker academically and they seem to be always together. She seems to blame me for a lot. I left her father and she blames me for that, so I always feel guilty.

@Pomegranatecarnage you leaving her father- you don't deserve to be blamed for her now struggles. You did the right thing getting out of a relationship that wasn't right for you.
Again, this blame game points to more going on with her inability to manage everything. Rather than looking inwards and working on it (which both parts are extremely hard to do!) She blames the person she is closest to, the one who she knows she is safe to share ALL her emotions with because you aren't going to leave.
Not saying that her parents splitting up wasn't hard for her, of course it was. But by doing so you taught her a lot more about healthy, happy relationships and how it's better to be on you own.
Don't blame yourself *although I say that blaming myself as a parent 😆

Can she get hold of past papers for the exams she will have and revise for them in a targeted way? Would she accept your help with planning? Even if she hasn’t been to lectures there is a wealth of information online and she could watch videos or listen to podcasts.
Could you give your support as a bus pass (even if this wouldn’t save money) and vouchers for the supermarket so that you know your money isn’t going towards travel?

Talk to her.

No more money. Here you can buy bus passes online so do that if you can.

Since she has a disability I'd ask her if you could go to student services together to see about changing degrees. Sounds like she need support of an advocate. I'm not a fan if parents getting involved with uni but she obviously needs extra support. She's gone from very structured environment of school to uni.

Many science degrees have common first year so she may be able to transfer to second year of an alternative degree on September.

Its not your fault that she’s choosing to behave the way she is. She has a choice you don’t have a knife against her throat threatening her. Shes choosing the easy option because she lacks accountability for herself. Let her get on with it.

It's possible, she may be entitled to apply for a disabled persons bus pass. Has she looked into this?

Most universities put their lectures online these days so if she's going to practicals and catching up on lectures online she could be fine, also it sounds like it's just one module she's not attending?

It doesn't sound like she needs your money so ok to stop it but just be matter of fact rather than punishing or quilting her. See how she actually does on her exams before jumping to worst case scenarios.

Was dd having sex with her bf at school?

Something here is wonky.

Her bf was a slacker but she has 12 top grade GCSEs and 4 stellar A levels - and she “coincidentally” ends up at the same uni as her boyfriend?

My guess is: She was hyper focused on school work so perhaps didn’t have the best social life at school; but now she’s found sex and freedom and it’s great! No wonder now unable to get out of bed in the morning.

Your parental guilt is clouding your judgement. You’ve spent thousands on therapy, now you’re spending hundreds propping up her somewhat extravagant spending - how is she going to learn to take responsibility for her own life? Maybe she won’t need to, you’ll just keep funding her.

Thank you for this. I have spent 8.5 years alone focusing on the children, but nothing seems to make up for the fact that I left a relationship that I was unhappy in.

They didn’t get together until a month before starting university and he wasn’t in her school year (the year below).

If she is a 2nd year student, were her GCSEs done in 2020 and, therefore, teacher assessed and then her A levels also marked with 'Covid concessions'. Not meaning to downplay all those A* but could she genuinely be struggling now its a more even playing field.

A levels were done in 2022, GCSEs in 2020.

The government desperately need to reform welfare payments - she clearly doesn’t need £500 a month PIP. Taxpayers are absolute mugs in this country

@HermioneWeasley

However, I have never claimed any money apart from child benefit, and have paid thousands in therapy as the NHS services were not useful. I have been paying taxes since I was 16. There are other people more worthy of condemnation.
as I said, this is not a thread about PIP.

Eating disorders are incurable. There is no “used to have” about them.

Thank you. She still has an ED, and likely always will. At her most ill she was at danger of multiple organ failure. Therapy is essential to stop her slipping back.

Just stop. You have no idea as you haven’t reviewed even one page of the medical evidence that the OP’s DD will have submitted for PIP. PIP is extremely hard to get.

That's all very well but if someone is well enough to go on ski holidays then they cannot possibly also need PIP. It's just making a mockery of the benefits system.

This could be the problem - I know of several students who expected to coast through Uni based on their Covid adjusted achievements at GCSE and A level and are now finding the reality of Uni, today, very different and particularly for STEM. It might be worth relooking at course/other options.

Thank you for this.

OP
I agree she is struggling and perhaps ND is at play with her refusal to approach student services or apply for DSA. One hallmark of ND is impulse spending that then causes guilt which then means extreme frugality even to the point of self harm. I have a uni age DD who impulse buys vintage clothes and then will eat the yellow sticker foods from Lidl past their use by date. She will grate and eat broccoli stems and potato skins to save money. She also has an ED.

She also couldn’t live in student accommodation. She tried and by the Christmas of her first year, she was suicidal. So we were able to get her out of the contract and with a refund got her into a local flat share.

I would not stop sending her the basic money she needs to live. I would help her with budgeting.

I think the buying her a bus pass instead of sending her bus money is a good idea. Her frugal mind will see it as something she should use as often as possible to make the most of it.

I would help her set up a savings account- Nationwide have a great one and try and get her to put a certain amount away for fun and certain amount away for the future.

I would have a talk with her about her degree course and see if you can help her to switch courses. It’s better to take four years to get a degree than to do two years and end up with no degree. The student debt is still there even if you never graduate.

On the subject of your post, I would stop sending her money, yes. She, for whatever reason, is being very irresponsible with her money.

On a separate note, she gets £500 a month on PIP for an eating disorder?! And she’s a healthy weight?!?
The world has gone mad.

Well, if she receives PIP, presumably she has a diagnosis of some kind? I agree that she needs support to contact the necessary people at her university asap — her tutor as a first port of call, probably. Is she registered with her university’s Disability Setvices?