Kicked out my DM on christmas day

[Guttedandsosad]

DH and I hosted my DM this Christmas so she wasn't by herself. We haven't had the greatest relationship as she has always been a negative, rude and entitled person but she's getting older now and I'm the only person she has.

However, she also has a mild learning disability and is a (currently sober) alcoholic so she is both unpleasant and vulnerable at the same time. I am the parent and she is like a fourth child.

I didn't want her to be alone at Christmas so invited her to spend it with us. We have her stay from time to time as truth be told I feel responsible for her, rightly or wrongly.

I have three DC. My eldest (8) is auDHD / PDA. I also have a 6yo DD and a 4yo DS.

She was supposed to come over on Christmas eve but asked to come on Monday instead. I agreed but in hindsight should have said no as the longer we spend with her the rattier her mood becomes.

So she has been here since Monday and things have been ok as a whole but I've had to ask her a few times not to moan/complain/bitch about things/people so much. It's Christmas and we want a nice atmosphere for our DC. She is such a profoundly negative person she doesn't seem able to control it - there is just a constant stream of negativity. I spend all of my time in her company trying to change the conversation.

DS (8 - auDHD / PDA) is on medication for his ADHD, when that wears off at the end of the day he can become easily disregulated. If anybody shouts around him it'll trigger a meltdown, especially when he's in that mode. We don't shout and swear around our DC, ever.

DS couldn't find a particular present he'd misplaced today so I was helping him look. He was visibly stressed about it and my DM got annoyed by it and saw that as her cue to start moaning.

I asked her to please stop because it's going to make him worse.

I later found out from DH that after I turned back to DS at this point she was gesticulating sticking her middle fingers up at me behind my back.

Whilst I'm helping DS, DM asks my 6yo DD if she has ever played a particular board game before. DD was absorbed in her colouring at the time and wasn't fully paying attention. DM snaps at her and says that she's rude.

I turn to DM and ask why she's saying that. She, getting irate, says DD only made 'a noise' in response when she asked her a question.

She's raising her voice now as she doesn't like people questioning her behaviour. DS is getting more wound up so I tell her to leave the room.

I'm baffled at this point.

With that she gets up and storms out the room shouting and swearing as she goes, slams the door.

DS lost it, tried to break property and attacked me. He bit me on the breast, badly. I'm not here to defend his behaviour and there has been consequences for it, but she caused it where it could have been avoided.

So she goes outside for a cigarette and comes back in, still in a foul mood, moaning. I take her into the back room and show her what he'd done to me, telling her she knows better than to raise her voice and swear around DS.

She gives not one shit that I'd been hurt, only proclaiming it isn't her fault. I remind what had lead to it - the shouting and swearing - because apparently I need to reiterate that it isn't acceptable to shout and swear in somebodies home.

Off she goes again, full DARVO this time about how everybody else is in the wrong (don't get me wrong - DS is for biting - but DD hadn't done anything wrong at all)

DD who had come back downstairs hears her ranting about how she'd been rude to her, so she goes to her room sad thinking she has spoiled Christmas.

I told DM she has to leave and that I'll book her a taxi. 4yo DS comes into the room and said "nanna you said a bad word" to which she snaps at him saying "shut up you're only 4"

I take DS(4) in to DH, book DM a taxi and walked her out when it arrived shortly after.

She leaves in the taxi and calls me when she gets home. She goes off on a tirade about how if I want nothing to do with her thats fine but she "can't take" this from us and goes on about how 4yo DS (who had nothing to do with any of it) is also rude and badly behaved (for pointing out her bad behaviour)

After her rant she started crying and hung up without giving me the opportunity to respond to any of it.

I reassured DD that she has done nothing wrong and that DM's behaviour was completely unacceptable.

DM will not be coming back into this house anytime soon.

I am just so, so sad.

DH and I made such an effort to make sure everybody had a nice Christmas. I'm sitting in the bedroom fighting back tears and bleeding whilst he has taken over trying to settle DS (who is still massively disregulated over an hour later)

Was I unreasonable to kick her out on Christmas evening and how would you have handled this? I welcome any and all POV's and to be told i could have dealt with things better.

Not unreasonable, there's only so much you can do to cope with all these different needs and your DC should come first.

She’s got a learning disability….she likely finds it difficult to self regulate

Whilst I agree with this, OP still has to put her children first.
I think if you’re going to carry on seeing her I’d be doing it on your own and keeping her away from the children. Children with a PDA profile cannot cope with this kind of thing as you’ve said.

Well you said she has a learning disability. Could this impact on her ability to understand why her behaviour is a problem?

Even if it does you’re within your rights to decide who is or isn’t a guest at your home of course.

Her LD definitely does influence her behaviour, that's why I struggle with such cognitive dissonance when it comes to her, who she is and my relationship with her.

I think it's a huge mistake to host difficult relatives for days on end when you've got young children with additional needs. It's literally guaranteed to go wrong. You need to adjust your expectations and be more realistic in what you offer.

Is it possible your mum is neurodivergent and also can’t cope with the upheaval Christmas brings?

Even so, your DC have to come first so I feel you did the right thing in the circumstances.

Anyone can choose not to continue in any relationship for any reason. Choose your children. You don’t need this and I personally would consider her non family from now on.

If she lives a taxi ride away, then next Christmas she comes for Christmas Dinner only, no overnights.

I'm so sorry for you op. It hurts to be bitten on the breast (I know this from breastfeeding though, must be much worse from a larger child).

That’s a bit harsh. She’s not necessarily being malicious by the sounds of it.
Just limit visit times in the future. Maybe only have her over for the Xmas meal next time or a day visit.

I think agreeing to Monday was probably the only thing you did "wrong". DC have to come first so she can't come round again, she won't fully understand why but you can point out how upset she was and clearly she would prefer to be on her own.

Hopefully everyone had a nice day until this point and you can all focus on the positive memories.

Perhaps your daughter inlaw and son will treat you the same. What comes around goes around !

I don’t think you were unreasonable today op - things had escalated and you had to take action. Going forward you can work out how much and how you want to maintain contact (if at all)

It sounds like she has her own issues that affects her negatively. But it also affects those around her. You as a mother need to put your children first. Definitely acceptable to send her home, it was only going to get worse.

Sympathies for the bite though- my son has similar issues and did the same thing to me once when he was struggling to regulate himself after being freaked out by something. I was lucky to not need stitches but did have to have antibiotics. Please keep an eye on yours to make sure there’s no sign of infection.

Your mother has a learning disability and your child is neurodivergent so both have difficulties self regulating and by the sound of it become overwhelmed.
It is not your mother's fault your son bit you so just remove that bit. Why not as pp have said manage your mum in a better way with less days. I'm not sure it's anyone's fault so much as that's the way things are. I certainly wouldn't stop a relationship with my mum over something so petty, particularly as you sound supportive up to this point. Unfortunately being negative can be a learned way of communicating and it sounds that will be difficult to change.

I don't think it's about condemning your DM as for all we know she can't help how she behaves. However it's a mix of people with needs that aren't compatible and there's only so much you can do to manage them. If you can't have everyone together that can't be helped.

I agree with PP that it might be better to spend time with your mum on your own for a bit and wait. Perhaps your DC in time might be able to develop coping strategies to help with regulation and you can try having everyone together again.

both your son and your mother have reasons for their respective outbursts. I probably wouldn’t have sent her home, but it’s easy to say isn’t it when it’s not your reality. Christmas is difficult. Especially when family don’t agree with any tiptoeing around (as they see it).

YANBU to not host again it’s always shit when your dc are young because they should come first. Problems occur when guests don’t hold this view too.
YABU to blame your mum for your child’s behaviour and for biting, massive rod for your own back allowing the child to hear and learn that certain behaviours are someone’s else’s fault, Yes regulating can be a challenge, that is your job to teach not for everyone else to bend for them,

I’ve got huge sympathies for your situation- I too have a v difficult parent and he kicked off about something every single Christmas, and he was so awful to my kids. We all treaded on eggshells the entire holiday. I made the decision not to invite him last year or this, and although I do feel guilty a bit, the relief is immense.

Not an easy decision though.
Sending solidarity 😘

Your DMs behaviour was unacceptable but as she has a learning disability and you’ve all been cooped up for 4 days it’s no surprise that she snapped. At the same time, your DSs behaviour was also unacceptable - biting your breast enough to cause it to bleed is extremely concerning. You’re excusing his behaviour because he has a disability, but not affording your DM the same degree of understanding. Yes, she’s the adult here but one day your DS will be an adult and if his behaviour whereby he assaults you isn’t dealt with carefully it could escalate.

I hit you are being unreasonable by accident. You are not being unreasonable!

You sound like a bloomin saint to me! Defo echoing what others have said, just have her for Xmas meal next year. A long time even with sane relatives is enough!

Things is OP it’s not just about what you’ll put up with or whether you were right or wrong asking her to leave when you’d had enough of the shitty behaviour. It’s also what you can cope with, and what you can cope with as a family. The effect it has on your family.

I have family members like this and I tolerate them in small doses, very low contact. I know it’s Christmas but yours has been ruined after you’ve done something nice for your mother and been kicked in the teeth for it, you don’t deserve it.
Yanbu, far from it. The only advice I have is the same as what I do. Keep them at arms length and tolerate them only when you have to and for however long you can cope with comfortably. It makes it a far more pleasant experience when the time is limited.

Yanbu. You have to look after your children first and foremost. Her behaviour was causing a lot of dysregulation and stress by the sounds of things. You don't need to cut her out but maybe don't have her over to your house. She clearly finds it stressful too based on her "I just can't handle this" comment, so I do not think you are actually doing her any favours having her to stay

My mother is ND with a learning disability. Unsurprisingly so are her kids and most of her grandkids to various degrees. We are careful to only put Mum in situations she can handle and she can't handle overnight trips anymore. How much each of us has her round our kids depends on how severe our kids' needs are and whether we can meet both the kids' needs and hers at the same time.