Kicked out my DM on christmas day

[Guttedandsosad]

DH and I hosted my DM this Christmas so she wasn't by herself. We haven't had the greatest relationship as she has always been a negative, rude and entitled person but she's getting older now and I'm the only person she has.

However, she also has a mild learning disability and is a (currently sober) alcoholic so she is both unpleasant and vulnerable at the same time. I am the parent and she is like a fourth child.

I didn't want her to be alone at Christmas so invited her to spend it with us. We have her stay from time to time as truth be told I feel responsible for her, rightly or wrongly.

I have three DC. My eldest (8) is auDHD / PDA. I also have a 6yo DD and a 4yo DS.

She was supposed to come over on Christmas eve but asked to come on Monday instead. I agreed but in hindsight should have said no as the longer we spend with her the rattier her mood becomes.

So she has been here since Monday and things have been ok as a whole but I've had to ask her a few times not to moan/complain/bitch about things/people so much. It's Christmas and we want a nice atmosphere for our DC. She is such a profoundly negative person she doesn't seem able to control it - there is just a constant stream of negativity. I spend all of my time in her company trying to change the conversation.

DS (8 - auDHD / PDA) is on medication for his ADHD, when that wears off at the end of the day he can become easily disregulated. If anybody shouts around him it'll trigger a meltdown, especially when he's in that mode. We don't shout and swear around our DC, ever.

DS couldn't find a particular present he'd misplaced today so I was helping him look. He was visibly stressed about it and my DM got annoyed by it and saw that as her cue to start moaning.

I asked her to please stop because it's going to make him worse.

I later found out from DH that after I turned back to DS at this point she was gesticulating sticking her middle fingers up at me behind my back.

Whilst I'm helping DS, DM asks my 6yo DD if she has ever played a particular board game before. DD was absorbed in her colouring at the time and wasn't fully paying attention. DM snaps at her and says that she's rude.

I turn to DM and ask why she's saying that. She, getting irate, says DD only made 'a noise' in response when she asked her a question.

She's raising her voice now as she doesn't like people questioning her behaviour. DS is getting more wound up so I tell her to leave the room.

I'm baffled at this point.

With that she gets up and storms out the room shouting and swearing as she goes, slams the door.

DS lost it, tried to break property and attacked me. He bit me on the breast, badly. I'm not here to defend his behaviour and there has been consequences for it, but she caused it where it could have been avoided.

So she goes outside for a cigarette and comes back in, still in a foul mood, moaning. I take her into the back room and show her what he'd done to me, telling her she knows better than to raise her voice and swear around DS.

She gives not one shit that I'd been hurt, only proclaiming it isn't her fault. I remind what had lead to it - the shouting and swearing - because apparently I need to reiterate that it isn't acceptable to shout and swear in somebodies home.

Off she goes again, full DARVO this time about how everybody else is in the wrong (don't get me wrong - DS is for biting - but DD hadn't done anything wrong at all)

DD who had come back downstairs hears her ranting about how she'd been rude to her, so she goes to her room sad thinking she has spoiled Christmas.

I told DM she has to leave and that I'll book her a taxi. 4yo DS comes into the room and said "nanna you said a bad word" to which she snaps at him saying "shut up you're only 4"

I take DS(4) in to DH, book DM a taxi and walked her out when it arrived shortly after.

She leaves in the taxi and calls me when she gets home. She goes off on a tirade about how if I want nothing to do with her thats fine but she "can't take" this from us and goes on about how 4yo DS (who had nothing to do with any of it) is also rude and badly behaved (for pointing out her bad behaviour)

After her rant she started crying and hung up without giving me the opportunity to respond to any of it.

I reassured DD that she has done nothing wrong and that DM's behaviour was completely unacceptable.

DM will not be coming back into this house anytime soon.

I am just so, so sad.

DH and I made such an effort to make sure everybody had a nice Christmas. I'm sitting in the bedroom fighting back tears and bleeding whilst he has taken over trying to settle DS (who is still massively disregulated over an hour later)

Was I unreasonable to kick her out on Christmas evening and how would you have handled this? I welcome any and all POV's and to be told i could have dealt with things better.

Sounds to me like you're being extremely reasonable OP. You know what works for your family, you've explained it clearly to your mum.
She either doesn't understand and can't control her behaviour, or she doesn't give a shit. (Can't comment on this without being there/knowing her).
Either way, I know I'd choose the peace of my own kids and husband (and therefore also myself) every time.
It's really kind of you to invite her but sometimes (and especially now when a 'special' day can also mean routine changes/different food/more excitement or tension than normal) you need to choose what works best for you all!

We used to have similar when DS was between 4 and 10. We limited contact with her then because she couldn’t put her needs second to his. If I attended to him rather than her, she’d get increasingly edgy.

Your mum may well be doing her best, as was your son. That doesn’t matter. You and your DH do not have the capacity to manage her, and your 3 DC, out of the usual routines because of Christmas.

It isn’t about whether you should or not, or what you want to do.

There is a limit to what is possible for you to do.

By the way, while you are justified in feeling angry that you were bitten because she wound him up, realistically it isn’t her fault. It’s like blaming the DC for your burnt thumb because they distracted you while you are cooking.

I’m really sorry you had a rubbish end to the day. Try and have a special breakfast, say yesterday was really hard but everyone was doing their best. It’s no-one’s fault granny got grumpy. Let’s have a better day today!

Your mum was a dick but since when was adhd a valid reason apparently for biting your parent to the point of bleeding?!

I understand she has a learning disability and might get overwhelmed, but I've supported many, many adults with learning disabilities in my life and the nastiness you describe just isn't something I've ever seen. I would really question whether that vindictiveness is LD.
It does sound very much like many alcoholics or 'dry drunks' I've known though (the latter being people who have managed to stop drinking but haven't done any work on their issues)

Honestly I think what you did wrong was pick up the phone after she'd left.

This is my experience also both personality and professionally.
YAFNU OP, I think something people often forget with LD adults is that is a broad term that encompasses a lot of difficulties but as an adult each person makes a choice as to either work on their difficulties or continue as they are. Very few LD adults are unable to work with services to help make things better for them and learn the skills they need.
The incident that happened is terrible for you OP and I hope you heal quickly and feel a little more emotionally stronger in the morning. Your DS is stil learning the skills he needs and you are doing an amazing job in supporting him with self regulation. I know you said he is currently taking medication but I thought it could be worth mentioning that sometimes another medication be prescribed to help as needed when things become too much for DS. So it may be worth a chat with the person who oversees care. It has worked wonders forn2 of my DC and means we are injured far less frequently.

It's very much easier to accept illogical and difficult behaviour from a child, than it is to understand and manage the exact same complexities in an adult.

We will go to great lengths to accommodate and regulate a child with a learning disability or neurological difference, but not have much, if any, patience with an adult with the same issues.

Unfortunately that's unlikely to ever change. I wish I knew the answer. Also I don't know what is have done in OP's situation.

I have huge sympathies for the OP in what sounds like a very difficult situation, but your comment is sad and unhelpful. Cutting family off isn’t as easy as ‘choosing not to continue in a relationship’ and often has fallout, for the children involved too.

My mother is ND, she has an awful temper. I often feel like I'm the parent too, managing her emotions.

Theres no way I would spend Christmas with her - and I don't even have kids!

She can't be trusted to keep calm, no wonder your FS was triggered - you didn't do anything wrong.

YABU to host her in the first place.

You have to put your children and your DH first.

Thank you for the supportive replies, they've helped me this evening and it helps to hear that I haven't been unreasonable.. for the most part.

With regards to nastiness, she definitely does have a cruel streak and I also agree about dry drunk behaviour/outlook.

She can be truly awful about people for no reason at all. It's bitching, on steroids. The way she picks apart people's appearance, belittles people, mocks them - for no reason at all - really upsets me.

I can only assume it was imprinted on her when young as a way of relating with or getting approval from others as the behaviour is so deeply entrenched it continues despite me (and others) refusing to entertain it.

She actually hasn't done anything to address the mental side of her addiction, she feels that abstaining is enough. It isn't though as she's had relapses and we fear she's only ever one blow up away from another one.

She may well have undiagnosed ADHD too as I have it myself, along with DS.

I read a comment about ADHD not being an excuse for biting, please let me be clear that I don't think it is. We're not passive parents and there is always consequences for behaviour like that. His autism, ADHD + PDA are a reason but never an excuse.

It's true I may not be affording her the same level of understanding I afford DS. Thinking about that, it's likely because of the history. I won't derail the thread and talk about all of the truly shit things she has done throughout my life.

I have friends and family who can't fathom why I have anything to do with her and if I were them, I wouldn't understand it either.

If she were a garden variety dick with no LD's it would be much easier to navigate. Her vulnerabilities are another complicating factor and make all feel much harder.

I'd cut her off altogether. Having a learning difficulty isn't an excuse for being an awful person.

She might have a LD but honestly that isn’t your burden to carry. It sounds like you already have so much on your plate. She is an
adult and sounds like she brings nothing but unhappiness to your home and kids. This will be a core memory for your kids and they will very much associate her with it. So please don’t feel like you did anything wrong. Getting her to leave and not allowing her back around your kids is right thing as a mother to do.

TBH, it sounds like she also has a ADHD/PDA profile and she was also struggling with dysregulation, especially now she doesn't drink (a common co-morbidity in adult ADHD).

Doesn't mean that it was any the less awful for you, but perhaps the environment was setting her up to fail as well - your instinct of not coming so early was spot on.

How far away does she live?

My mum has LD and MH needs so is also vulnerable/it’s not her fault but she’s also a twat so I hear you.

But I think the first thing you should do (if feasible) is not have her stay the night.

A few days every few weeks is more than enough.

It sounds very hard OP.
Flag Adult Services about her and take a complete break from her.
You need time out.
Clearly she should never stay in your home again and only see your children briefly.
She doesn't sound like a positive influence for them.
I thinknyour priority is your children.
You have such a lot going on.
Mind yourself.
Your only mistake was having her to stay at all, for far too long.

Having a mild LD doesn't make you mean and spiteful or negative nor does it give someone a free pass for those behaviours. Alcoholism and general crappy existance could drive those behaviours. Still not a free pass. Horrible to have to navigate OP but you have to do what's best for your family, if she can't/won't self regulate then maybe set some boundaries and limitations contact/access. Sympathies and hope you can have a good boxing day.

Also the thing is, is she realistically ever going to change? Anything that’s going to make her become kinder or positive? Most probably not. She has also conditioned you into becoming the parent so you probably think of her at the same level as your kids. But it’s not the same, she’s the mother. And sounds like she failed you in many ways. There are many people with LD who are so kind and caring and still vulnerable. You should explore some therapy into how you can release yourself from feeling all this guilt and obligation you feel. Someone who crosses the line with my kids is someone who I don’t want anything to do with

Oh wow @Guttedandsosad l’m very sorry you tried your very hardest to give your family the loveliest Christmas and were punished for it.

It seems like we could needlepoint a pillow at this point:
Do a good deed: Get kicked in the teeth.”

You’re still the best mum and the best daughter.
Merry Christmas 🎄❤️

OP I have an older sister who has trauma
and undiagnosed ASD. My home is full of ND combinations and regulation and calm is imperative to any kind of Effective functioning. My sister is similar to your mum in the way she stays too long and it is very hard. She has this way of meddling and manipulating the conversation that she insists in a way that she stays too long. It is very bizarre to explain it to others but it sounds like your mum is similar. I would definitely make sure that you have a clear plan of how long you can tolerate her for in the future. Another thing that happens is I sort of switch off from get crap as a coping mechanism and concentrate on my kids. This makes it harder to be decisive instantly when the poo his the fan. Having a plan can help.

i also want to say that this is not your fault at all. You are doing your best. Sometimes it feels like juggling plates. Stress and meltdowns happen and you can’t beat yourself up over it.

Totally agree. I’ve had shitty behaviour from my remaining parent this Christmas. I suspect they are autistic but it’s undiagnosed and at nearly 70 they won’t change. But I am DONE. OP is well within their rights to draw a line and never allow their mother into their life again.

She was very unpleasant to all of your children and to you. You’re not her mother and she isn’t your responsibility. LD/ND aside, she’s an adult and she was not nice to any of you. Your responsibility is to look after your children. If you maintain contact with her, see her at her house away from the children. They shouldn’t be exposed to someone like her.

My own maternal grandparents were very unpleasant people. It doesn’t matter why. My own mum, who was lovely, did her best to be a good daughter but as a result tolerated so much shit and for years exposed us to people who were nasty to us when she should have cut contact.

What a nasty post to someone who is suffering a lot and has tried her very best to look after and be a good daughter.

My mum is similar to this, as times gone on, I’ve realised she is likely neurodivergent and therefore a) can’t really cope with Xmas anyway and b) finds my neurodivergent children triggering for reasons that are really about her. She also uses alcohol as a massive social crutch
The answer is form boundaries especially about length of time hosting. This simply cannot go on for days on end. It’s impossible to manage. Also, always put your DC first

OP my mum was the same with the constant criticism of others (and the alcohol issues) I realised for her it came from a very deep rooted self esteem issue; she would put everyone else down because she constantly felt the need to 'prove' that they were no better than her, and she hated people that in her mind, had what she wanted, or had it 'easy'. I'm sorry to say it got worse as she got older, she ruminated more and became more bitter and it was so, so wearing.

You can't change her, and you can't control her. I understand the feeling of responsibility, you can still support her while having boundaries. Hosting her for shorter periods would be a start. Think back to any times where things are better - does it help when there's distractions, particular company, at home or in public? Keep it short and try and think of what works best, for any future visits. In the meantime, look after yourself. You did a nice thing and I'm sorry it's the result that you got, you deserve better.

DM wouldn't be setting foot inside my home ever again if she did this to me. I wouldn't listen to the tirade either. Anybody shouting or swearing at me gets hung up on and I'd think twice about picking up the phone to them in future. Someone like that doesn't deserve a rational response, it's abuse pure and simple and you're not obligated to listen to it. Since she clearly DGAF about your DC she wouldn't be around them any more and I'd keep her at arms length and one see her for short periods, leaving if she moans too much or becomes rude.

Sorry your Christmas Day got ruined OP. Well done for standing up to her.