Kicked out my DM on christmas day

[Guttedandsosad]

DH and I hosted my DM this Christmas so she wasn't by herself. We haven't had the greatest relationship as she has always been a negative, rude and entitled person but she's getting older now and I'm the only person she has.

However, she also has a mild learning disability and is a (currently sober) alcoholic so she is both unpleasant and vulnerable at the same time. I am the parent and she is like a fourth child.

I didn't want her to be alone at Christmas so invited her to spend it with us. We have her stay from time to time as truth be told I feel responsible for her, rightly or wrongly.

I have three DC. My eldest (8) is auDHD / PDA. I also have a 6yo DD and a 4yo DS.

She was supposed to come over on Christmas eve but asked to come on Monday instead. I agreed but in hindsight should have said no as the longer we spend with her the rattier her mood becomes.

So she has been here since Monday and things have been ok as a whole but I've had to ask her a few times not to moan/complain/bitch about things/people so much. It's Christmas and we want a nice atmosphere for our DC. She is such a profoundly negative person she doesn't seem able to control it - there is just a constant stream of negativity. I spend all of my time in her company trying to change the conversation.

DS (8 - auDHD / PDA) is on medication for his ADHD, when that wears off at the end of the day he can become easily disregulated. If anybody shouts around him it'll trigger a meltdown, especially when he's in that mode. We don't shout and swear around our DC, ever.

DS couldn't find a particular present he'd misplaced today so I was helping him look. He was visibly stressed about it and my DM got annoyed by it and saw that as her cue to start moaning.

I asked her to please stop because it's going to make him worse.

I later found out from DH that after I turned back to DS at this point she was gesticulating sticking her middle fingers up at me behind my back.

Whilst I'm helping DS, DM asks my 6yo DD if she has ever played a particular board game before. DD was absorbed in her colouring at the time and wasn't fully paying attention. DM snaps at her and says that she's rude.

I turn to DM and ask why she's saying that. She, getting irate, says DD only made 'a noise' in response when she asked her a question.

She's raising her voice now as she doesn't like people questioning her behaviour. DS is getting more wound up so I tell her to leave the room.

I'm baffled at this point.

With that she gets up and storms out the room shouting and swearing as she goes, slams the door.

DS lost it, tried to break property and attacked me. He bit me on the breast, badly. I'm not here to defend his behaviour and there has been consequences for it, but she caused it where it could have been avoided.

So she goes outside for a cigarette and comes back in, still in a foul mood, moaning. I take her into the back room and show her what he'd done to me, telling her she knows better than to raise her voice and swear around DS.

She gives not one shit that I'd been hurt, only proclaiming it isn't her fault. I remind what had lead to it - the shouting and swearing - because apparently I need to reiterate that it isn't acceptable to shout and swear in somebodies home.

Off she goes again, full DARVO this time about how everybody else is in the wrong (don't get me wrong - DS is for biting - but DD hadn't done anything wrong at all)

DD who had come back downstairs hears her ranting about how she'd been rude to her, so she goes to her room sad thinking she has spoiled Christmas.

I told DM she has to leave and that I'll book her a taxi. 4yo DS comes into the room and said "nanna you said a bad word" to which she snaps at him saying "shut up you're only 4"

I take DS(4) in to DH, book DM a taxi and walked her out when it arrived shortly after.

She leaves in the taxi and calls me when she gets home. She goes off on a tirade about how if I want nothing to do with her thats fine but she "can't take" this from us and goes on about how 4yo DS (who had nothing to do with any of it) is also rude and badly behaved (for pointing out her bad behaviour)

After her rant she started crying and hung up without giving me the opportunity to respond to any of it.

I reassured DD that she has done nothing wrong and that DM's behaviour was completely unacceptable.

DM will not be coming back into this house anytime soon.

I am just so, so sad.

DH and I made such an effort to make sure everybody had a nice Christmas. I'm sitting in the bedroom fighting back tears and bleeding whilst he has taken over trying to settle DS (who is still massively disregulated over an hour later)

Was I unreasonable to kick her out on Christmas evening and how would you have handled this? I welcome any and all POV's and to be told i could have dealt with things better.

You did absolutely the right thing sending her home.
We have an elderly friend we keep an eye on

she can be difficult’
She no longer gets the pleasure of my child’s company (ever) and any help I gave , is at my discretion and in small doses.
Ever since I put my foot down they’ve been a lot nicer.

In my time I’ve kicked my mother out many times, in fact she found out about my 50th birthday bash and I told her she wasn’t invited but she turned up anyway. I took her to one side and said, if I hear you say one bad word about my friends, you’re out. I asked her to serve birthday cake to people, well actually l made her do it, set a table up outside and just to give either chocolate or Victoria sponge to the friends in the queue, she very reluctantly agreed.

she improved enormously with Alzheimer’s, I’m glad we got those years because without them my overall memory of her would be foul.

what a disgusting attitude to have about people with learning disabilities…..shame on you

Your mother has learning difficulties and it’s not her fault your son bit you on the breast. Next time bring her over only for dinner and pudding, then drive her back. Don’t have her stay so long next time. My father has learning difficulties and he is hard work. We had him yesterday 1-6.30pm and that was enough for me.

She's not responsible for him biting me no, but she is responsible for shouting swearing and slamming doors, and that's what spooked him and sent him into a meltdown. Had she not done that it wouldn't have happened.

Even with an LD she knows that's not an acceptable way to behave in somebodies home. Even my 4 and 6yo's know that's not appropriate behaviour.

At the root of all of this, I believe, is disrespect. She wouldn't do it in certain other people's homes.

What was your H doing while you were juggling everything and being attacked by your son?

Well he spent half of the day in the kitchen cooking a wonderful meal, for a start. He was also in and out doing presents and participating in the day.

He also intervened immediately when DS bit me and kept hold of him until he was calm enough for him to let go.

He is an incredibly supportive DH and father.

The only thing he doesn't feel able to deal with is my mother and dealing with her directly.. because of how she is. She's got zero respect for him either.

Hes always picking up the pieces and is a saint to be honest.

I agree.

while mum is awful you need to deal with how your kids act OP. Your daughter whether distracted or not should have responded politely and not just made a noise. Your child that bites you.. I'm not saying shouting is the answer but you need to be stern with this. A simple shout saying 'no' wouldn't be a bad thing, if you say you 'never shout.'

however I think you should go NC with your mum. Everyone on here excusing her behaviour because she has an LD. I can't think of a single neurological condition which makes you swear behind someone's back, take the piss out of people's looks etc.

it hasn't worked out and that's okay but maybe this is a lesson for you all. Perhaps get some support and advice for your son's violence. Training on how to safely restrain etc. as he's only getting bigger and stronger.

Thanks for answering @Guttedandsosad , am so pleased to know you have good support 👌

Basically your mum triggered your son fully knowing what his triggers were and what his likely response would be (due to his diagnosis). This is different to accidentally saying a trigger word and immediately trying to sooth things over, she was intent on triggering your child and succeeded.

You can only do so much, OP. You need some counselling to work out how to cut the strings. You are not responsible for her and until you accept that these situations will occur. Protect your kids from her, and yourself.

Huge sympathy. i have experienced similar - it is so difficult. Going no contact is too simplistic and brings its own issues and guilt but I would suggest keeping sessions to Christmas Dinner/Christmas Eve or Boxing Day and a few hours of structured activity.

You did the right thing in the circumstances and I would just take this as a learning point - if she is going to spend time around the kids it needs to be short bursts where she can manage herself better. If she doesn't like that, that's tough - because your kids are children and no matter what limitations she has she is not a child.

You are not her parent.

You are not responsible for her.

But your actual responsibility lies shoulder to shoulder with your husband to help the children to grow and develop and learn how to navigate teens and adulthood with as few behaviour issues (including violence) as possible. She is sabotaging that.

You know what she's like. You know what she's likely to do. You know how that will then affect your children. And you know how that will in turn impact on you, including physical injury.

So let that knowledge inform your decisions and your actions. If you want to maintain some relationship with her, contain it. Limit the hours, location, activities, who's present. Have a definite exit strategy for if it all goes tits up.

It may be possible to arrange professional help and support for her needs should she be there now.

Out of curiosity, what type of learning disability? Just trying to understand better. Has she ever worked? Can she read and write? Or does she struggle with social cues etc?

Christmas is over for her. If she goes home its a small mercy for you. Her mood will calm down in a day or so.
Her leaving early seems like the least awful outcome.

She struggles with reading and writing, she can only read and write basic and simple words.

Social cues and norms, emotional intelligence - impacted significantly.

She had a few different jobs back in the day such as working in a factory, working in a shop putting out stock. She wasn't able to get the hang of using a cash register.

She struggles to read and understand letters about bills and appointments.

She struggled in school and her sister said she was transferred to what are now known as special needs schools, so it's more than dyslexia/dyscalculia, it's more of an intellectual disability.

You can't have deep and meaningful conversations with her as she doesn't 'get' it.

She wasn't able to engage with counselling as she didn't 'get' that either.

If she has a formal diagnosis I'm not aware of what it is, I once asked my now decease grandparents and was told she's "a bit slow"

She repeats herself a lot

On top of all of that she likely has ADHD as me and my DS have both been diagnosed.

Hosting ppl when young be neurodivergent children is not a good idea.
i understand because Christmas has been a delicate balance of ensuring my typical children can see family/friends and that my child with additional needs can cope.
ignore your mum op, your responsibility is to your children

You haven't been unreasonable at all you're in a very difficult situation.
Maybe as you feel torn at times like christmas just ask her over for the day .
I would put your children and husband first I know it's hard but you can't forever have a 4th child in your mum.
She and you may need extra help around these times I'd shield your children from her x

Off topic slightly but your 6 year old WAS being quite rude. Not to justify your mum's over reaction, but she shouldn't be ignoring people.

Hi,

I think you did great and do need to have her for a lesser number of days next.

All in all, your mistake was to put too much on your plate.

Yabu, your 6yo was rude.

You cannot blame your mother for your son biting you. Maybe she shouldn't have shouted but there's a whole huge difference between shouting and physically attacking someone and you are doing your son no favours by letting him know that if someone shouts he can bite and attack people.

That's so difficult. Having ND children is hard but having a ND parent 😢 She's your Mum, you love her, could understand and support her when you were younger I assume. Now with your own DC involved there's too much juggling going on. It can't have been easy for you growing up but you've clearly been a wonderful daughter ❤️

It sounds like it was time for her to go home, for her own self regulation and your sanity. You can talk about it when all calmer and in future setting time frames would be helpful.

Just because it's Christmas it doesn't mean we all have that perfect ideal of adverts, often far from it. In fact it compounds stress and emotions, which we find harder to deal with as it's supposed to be perfect. Xx

I think you need to limit the time you spend with your mum. If you feel responsible pr obligated to see her then maybe short visits are best. If you can I'd see her in a neutral/ public place. Obviously, not possible on Christmas.

Your mum sounds like she has a lot going on. It's hard to differentiate what is her LD and what is her personality. I think she also struggling to regulate.

I wouldn't accept her swearing at or around the kids. Id send her home everytime she does that. Your kids don't need to be aroundan adult behaving like that.

I don't think your daughters did anything wrong. It sounds like the one colouring was engaged and focused and didn't hears. The little one is 4 and gad normal 4 year old behaviour. The biting needs to be addressed when DS is calm and regulated. I find it pointless to talk about this stuff when my DD is dysregulated. No amount of reasoning or punishment works in those moments.

Ah yes, we mustn’t forget the classic MN useless dad! 🤣