Kicked out my DM on christmas day

[Guttedandsosad]

DH and I hosted my DM this Christmas so she wasn't by herself. We haven't had the greatest relationship as she has always been a negative, rude and entitled person but she's getting older now and I'm the only person she has.

However, she also has a mild learning disability and is a (currently sober) alcoholic so she is both unpleasant and vulnerable at the same time. I am the parent and she is like a fourth child.

I didn't want her to be alone at Christmas so invited her to spend it with us. We have her stay from time to time as truth be told I feel responsible for her, rightly or wrongly.

I have three DC. My eldest (8) is auDHD / PDA. I also have a 6yo DD and a 4yo DS.

She was supposed to come over on Christmas eve but asked to come on Monday instead. I agreed but in hindsight should have said no as the longer we spend with her the rattier her mood becomes.

So she has been here since Monday and things have been ok as a whole but I've had to ask her a few times not to moan/complain/bitch about things/people so much. It's Christmas and we want a nice atmosphere for our DC. She is such a profoundly negative person she doesn't seem able to control it - there is just a constant stream of negativity. I spend all of my time in her company trying to change the conversation.

DS (8 - auDHD / PDA) is on medication for his ADHD, when that wears off at the end of the day he can become easily disregulated. If anybody shouts around him it'll trigger a meltdown, especially when he's in that mode. We don't shout and swear around our DC, ever.

DS couldn't find a particular present he'd misplaced today so I was helping him look. He was visibly stressed about it and my DM got annoyed by it and saw that as her cue to start moaning.

I asked her to please stop because it's going to make him worse.

I later found out from DH that after I turned back to DS at this point she was gesticulating sticking her middle fingers up at me behind my back.

Whilst I'm helping DS, DM asks my 6yo DD if she has ever played a particular board game before. DD was absorbed in her colouring at the time and wasn't fully paying attention. DM snaps at her and says that she's rude.

I turn to DM and ask why she's saying that. She, getting irate, says DD only made 'a noise' in response when she asked her a question.

She's raising her voice now as she doesn't like people questioning her behaviour. DS is getting more wound up so I tell her to leave the room.

I'm baffled at this point.

With that she gets up and storms out the room shouting and swearing as she goes, slams the door.

DS lost it, tried to break property and attacked me. He bit me on the breast, badly. I'm not here to defend his behaviour and there has been consequences for it, but she caused it where it could have been avoided.

So she goes outside for a cigarette and comes back in, still in a foul mood, moaning. I take her into the back room and show her what he'd done to me, telling her she knows better than to raise her voice and swear around DS.

She gives not one shit that I'd been hurt, only proclaiming it isn't her fault. I remind what had lead to it - the shouting and swearing - because apparently I need to reiterate that it isn't acceptable to shout and swear in somebodies home.

Off she goes again, full DARVO this time about how everybody else is in the wrong (don't get me wrong - DS is for biting - but DD hadn't done anything wrong at all)

DD who had come back downstairs hears her ranting about how she'd been rude to her, so she goes to her room sad thinking she has spoiled Christmas.

I told DM she has to leave and that I'll book her a taxi. 4yo DS comes into the room and said "nanna you said a bad word" to which she snaps at him saying "shut up you're only 4"

I take DS(4) in to DH, book DM a taxi and walked her out when it arrived shortly after.

She leaves in the taxi and calls me when she gets home. She goes off on a tirade about how if I want nothing to do with her thats fine but she "can't take" this from us and goes on about how 4yo DS (who had nothing to do with any of it) is also rude and badly behaved (for pointing out her bad behaviour)

After her rant she started crying and hung up without giving me the opportunity to respond to any of it.

I reassured DD that she has done nothing wrong and that DM's behaviour was completely unacceptable.

DM will not be coming back into this house anytime soon.

I am just so, so sad.

DH and I made such an effort to make sure everybody had a nice Christmas. I'm sitting in the bedroom fighting back tears and bleeding whilst he has taken over trying to settle DS (who is still massively disregulated over an hour later)

Was I unreasonable to kick her out on Christmas evening and how would you have handled this? I welcome any and all POV's and to be told i could have dealt with things better.

OP, I think you made all the right choices in the circumstances (other than saying yes to having her for so long to start with).

Keep the faith in your own judgement & choose what will work for YOU next year

I think you sound like a great Mum, level headed and that you did the right thing sending her home. You also showed to your children that you’re putting them first and not tolerating that behaviour x

Of course you did the right thing!

You should probably sedate your child with PDA. You being assaulted is absolutely not on.

Your mother was being utterly ridiculous and her behaviour was disgusting.

Don’t have her over again.

Her mother was asked repeatedly to not shoot around the son as it would send him into a meltdown! Of course she's got culpability!

The OP has said that she's disciplined the son for biting her, she's not said that she's told him it's ok to bite people. The mother was asked several times to stop shouting and swearing around a child whose meds were wearing off! And you don't think there's any culpability there! As for you criticising a 6 year old who did nothing wrong, she answered vocally even if not actually stating words. You seen as extreme as the OPs mother!

The woman was toxic all day and asked several times to stop shouting and swearing around the kids and your venom is for a little 6 year old who was colouring in and did respond but not using actual words? I hope you aren't a parent if you turn against little kids so easily! Ever stopped to think that the kids feel a bit afraid of her?

You have my empathy OP, my mum could be a good mum when I was growing up but she could also be brutal. I've realised these days that I think she is highly likely to have borderline personality disorder as she fits the profile to a T. She has been challenging since my dad died 9 years ago, she's mentally abusive and toxic. I do enjoy meeting up with my aunt and brother at her house but once they've gone, if I don't go when they do, I have to listen to her suddenly get two faced and really bitch about them, she'll harp on about things she claim ls my aunt did 40 plus years ago, it's like ages still the jealous older sibling that still resents my aunt even being born! My mum has driven a lot of family relationships into the ground over the decades.

Luckily my mum prefers Xmas at her own home with just my aunt for company. I don't need to spend Xmas day listening to bitching about people, the next pandemic that's coming, world war 3 and nuclear bombs! She's horrendously negative!

She sounds unable to be around young dc. Too intolerant. All you did seemed kind and hospitable. Some people you have to limit time with or not have at all for your own sanity.

She was supposed to come over on Christmas eve but asked to come on Monday instead. I agreed

I think this was the main issue-it was way too long a stay.

Next time, just had her over for the day (you collect/retrain her or order taxis for set times) and when she asks to stay for the best part of a week, repeat, 'no, that's too long-remember, it's much better for everyone if it's only for a day.'

Perhaps it’s best to drop off a nice cheese and wine hamper next Christmas Eve and let her spend Christmas at home. It doesn’t sound healthy to have them all together. Your children are your main focus.

No one has the right to upset your children in their own home disabled or not. It's ok if she's behaving like this because she can't help it, it's also ok if you can't field another toddler who can't self regulate - you could have given birth to one if you'd wanted one! Are there time limited, focused activities you could do with MIL out of the house - meeting her at X park for a walk and a play on the playground and a coffee and cake in the cafe? That would mean you only had to spend a couple of hours together and everyone was focused on something.

Maybe hold the wine, seeing as the woman's an alcoholic who is in recovery, perhaps?

It seems dramatic at the time but you have to look back and laugh about it eventually as it sounds almost like a farce

I've heard from her this morning.

She called and asked how I was RE the bite and asked whether I think it's her fault. I said the bite wasn't her fault per se, I was upset with her about the shouting and swearing infront of the kids when she knows DS8 freaks out when people shout.

She apologised and I said we will leave it in the past as I don't want to go into the new year on bad terms, but in future we will keep visits shorter for everybody's sake.

I expected her to use what happened as an excuse to have a drink so I'm relieved she didn't do that.

Solidarity and sympathy to those of you here who also have difficult parents/relatives. It's really bloody hard!

This.

You are of course right to.put your children first. Her learning disability, potential autism?, and her general negative disposition (depression) and previous alcoholic are a combination that would mean she might melt down when she cannot cope so not great around your children. She lacks empathy for your son who also has a disability.

This

I voted that you are being unreasonable sorry, as the opening post is just far too long to read.

😂😂

I'd cut her off. You only have one life to live, live it well.

Hi ,looking for advice. I have fibromyalgia and take strong meds. I recently stocked up my pill box, except when I went to take my dose there is a few missing.
Only myself and 13 yo son at home. He's been known to things like try booze and vape lately. How do I approach him to ask if he's took some of my pills?

It's one or two. But he has a temper and kicks of easily. Im certain I filled the full box. 😞

Giving you the middle finger behind your back? Christ…says it all really, about how unhinged she really is. Take care, OP. I wish you well

Not unreasonable at all. Your children don’t deserve to be met with aggression, especially as that sends a mixed message to your little boy who’s clearly struggling with his own difficulties. She should’ve respected your instruction to let you handle it, which you would’ve done. She should’ve respected know that it would’nt be defused by behaving in that way 😢

In part this was like reading my christmas (minus the swearing). I’m now trying to figure out how to get out of the 12 year pattern with a friend of family who clearly doesn’t like Christmas, and every year gets much worse with bad mouthing people, sulking and silent treatment. It’s gone from short spells, to pretty much the whole day over that 12 years, but so much worse in the past 3 years. We have a complicated history that’s not easy to walk away from, again this sounds similar. I think distance yourself for a bit. Not NC, but just some space.

I'm not sure if it’ll help you, and I'm not sure if its any help with going forward, but I’m trying to come up with a way of saying something like ‘you clearly don’t like Christmas and it seems to be getting worse, so we’ll see you the week before and do something nice then.’ Needing to take the pressure off now as this year has proved that it’s not going to get better, the emotional manipulation is only getting worse (or easier to see, one or the other).

Sorry to jump on with my own issue. I’m feeling very hurt and sad that it was all ruined so I can empathise massively because our kids are only young for a short time and it should be spent watching them enjoy it all rather than watching our backs.

edited due to predictive text saying would’ve rather than wouldn’t in first paragraph

This visit was way too long. If you want to keep contact with dm you might limit it to one night maximum.
DM was way out of order in many ways, but could you not have asked DD to speak to granny properly rather than grunting when she asked about the board game? That was rude, and added fuel to the fire.

I do agree that the 6 year old needs some gentle guidance here. A lot of people will find it rude to not be responded to in that sort of situation, obviously I don't condone the way your DM handled it either. It's more likely that people will get the grunt and not try to interact again.

Start a seperate thread, so more people will see it. If your DS has any additional needs, include those.