DH and I hosted my DM this Christmas so she wasn't by herself. We haven't had the greatest relationship as she has always been a negative, rude and entitled person but she's getting older now and I'm the only person she has.
However, she also has a mild learning disability and is a (currently sober) alcoholic so she is both unpleasant and vulnerable at the same time. I am the parent and she is like a fourth child.
I didn't want her to be alone at Christmas so invited her to spend it with us. We have her stay from time to time as truth be told I feel responsible for her, rightly or wrongly.
I have three DC. My eldest (8) is auDHD / PDA. I also have a 6yo DD and a 4yo DS.
She was supposed to come over on Christmas eve but asked to come on Monday instead. I agreed but in hindsight should have said no as the longer we spend with her the rattier her mood becomes.
So she has been here since Monday and things have been ok as a whole but I've had to ask her a few times not to moan/complain/bitch about things/people so much. It's Christmas and we want a nice atmosphere for our DC. She is such a profoundly negative person she doesn't seem able to control it - there is just a constant stream of negativity. I spend all of my time in her company trying to change the conversation.
DS (8 - auDHD / PDA) is on medication for his ADHD, when that wears off at the end of the day he can become easily disregulated. If anybody shouts around him it'll trigger a meltdown, especially when he's in that mode. We don't shout and swear around our DC, ever.
DS couldn't find a particular present he'd misplaced today so I was helping him look. He was visibly stressed about it and my DM got annoyed by it and saw that as her cue to start moaning.
I asked her to please stop because it's going to make him worse.
I later found out from DH that after I turned back to DS at this point she was gesticulating sticking her middle fingers up at me behind my back.
Whilst I'm helping DS, DM asks my 6yo DD if she has ever played a particular board game before. DD was absorbed in her colouring at the time and wasn't fully paying attention. DM snaps at her and says that she's rude.
I turn to DM and ask why she's saying that. She, getting irate, says DD only made 'a noise' in response when she asked her a question.
She's raising her voice now as she doesn't like people questioning her behaviour. DS is getting more wound up so I tell her to leave the room.
I'm baffled at this point.
With that she gets up and storms out the room shouting and swearing as she goes, slams the door.
DS lost it, tried to break property and attacked me. He bit me on the breast, badly. I'm not here to defend his behaviour and there has been consequences for it, but she caused it where it could have been avoided.
So she goes outside for a cigarette and comes back in, still in a foul mood, moaning. I take her into the back room and show her what he'd done to me, telling her she knows better than to raise her voice and swear around DS.
She gives not one shit that I'd been hurt, only proclaiming it isn't her fault. I remind what had lead to it - the shouting and swearing - because apparently I need to reiterate that it isn't acceptable to shout and swear in somebodies home.
Off she goes again, full DARVO this time about how everybody else is in the wrong (don't get me wrong - DS is for biting - but DD hadn't done anything wrong at all)
DD who had come back downstairs hears her ranting about how she'd been rude to her, so she goes to her room sad thinking she has spoiled Christmas.
I told DM she has to leave and that I'll book her a taxi. 4yo DS comes into the room and said "nanna you said a bad word" to which she snaps at him saying "shut up you're only 4"
I take DS(4) in to DH, book DM a taxi and walked her out when it arrived shortly after.
She leaves in the taxi and calls me when she gets home. She goes off on a tirade about how if I want nothing to do with her thats fine but she "can't take" this from us and goes on about how 4yo DS (who had nothing to do with any of it) is also rude and badly behaved (for pointing out her bad behaviour)
After her rant she started crying and hung up without giving me the opportunity to respond to any of it.
I reassured DD that she has done nothing wrong and that DM's behaviour was completely unacceptable.
DM will not be coming back into this house anytime soon.
I am just so, so sad.
DH and I made such an effort to make sure everybody had a nice Christmas. I'm sitting in the bedroom fighting back tears and bleeding whilst he has taken over trying to settle DS (who is still massively disregulated over an hour later)
Was I unreasonable to kick her out on Christmas evening and how would you have handled this? I welcome any and all POV's and to be told i could have dealt with things better.