To think those with at least ordinarily lives can’t understand despite being sympathetic?

[OJred]

My Mam was an alcoholic from I remember so 12 years old?!! The died when I was 21 from smoking.

Dad was an abusive psycho, abused my Mam a siblings emotionally, physically and was vile though I was lucky I escaped the physically abuse generally. Needless to say I have no relationship with him. I’m mid 40’s and have two kids who I’ve tried to shelter from that and give them the best life possible. Their dad is amazing, I’ve never drank in front of them (ones nearly 18 ones 14) as I hated it so never wanted to do that in front of my kids.

I took out loans and went to University to try to give my kids the best chance financially (and me as I had no parents
to rely on). I feel lucky I have a half decent income, though it’s been hard as there has been no help from parents financially, emotionally, zero help.

One of my DC is disabled too so that’s really difficult as I worry so much about them. Good job I don’t take a leaf out my mother’s book or I’d neck a bottle of vodka every night….! 🙄

So I find things hard because of my situation. My DH has none of the above to contend with and my DC aren’t his biologically and he thinks I’m pessimistic at times so tonight I’ve had it out with him. Very difficult childhood then chronic worry about own of my children who is unlikely to be independent. I get fed up of hearing about those who make their own “difficult situations” and I can’t be arsed with it.

I said to to my DH (who is close to his parents and sees the weekly
and that’s lovely) if you hadn’t see your mam for nearly 25 years and even before that she was always drunk and your dad was a selfish man who never bothered, you wouldn’t view life the same way as you do.

It made me think of judgmental people who haven’t experienced really shit childhoods and have had, what I consider ‘charmed lives’.

So I’m not interested in hearing from those with charmed lives. It’s those who have had it difficult through not fault or choice of their own, such as abusive parents etc.. or worse, those who have really poorly children as my heart breaks for their people as it’s out of their hands

You've had a rough ride. But other people have too. Just different issues. It definitely sounds like you've had a drink tonight from your writing style and description of randomly having a go at your partner, so maybe some external therapy would help too? You've got a lot going on.

I've escaped an abusive relationship and one of my very close relatives died by suicide. Very few people know either of these things. Never assume that other people have 'ordinary' lives.

Perhaps some counselling would help?

Thank you. I know other people have had hard lives and I do feel bad to them.

No drinks tonight as kids are home and need to get Santa ready, so I’m trying to type fast.

I grew up in poverty in a difficult situation, abusive father, good and loving but very poor and powerless mum. Also made it to university and a profession. Then I fell in love with my wonderful husband, we had 7 miscarriages in total in amongst our 2 wonderful children who are 7 and 4. We had a business but lost it in the fallout of my mum dying when I was 30. Needless to say I have nothing to do with my dad. I've also made an error at work I'm worried is about to end my career my eldest has a disability and has years of frequent hospitalisations

And I am blessed. I have so much love in my life, so many choices, I've lived a thousand lives so far. I have friends, I have sisters and nieces and nephews.

No, my house is upside down, there are 300 repairs needed we can't afford, I've got a lot of challenges just now. I love Christmas though. It gets me through the winter.

I'm also awaiting 2 surgeries and have a chronic illness so I frequently feel physically not great and exhausted.

And yet I feel how lucky I am in my bones.

Have you had any counselling? Making the decision to heal from trauma and working towards that has made a huge difference for me. I'm not longer trapped in the pain from the past. You get one life my darling, just 1, you deserve to get the enjoyment available from it.

I disagree. I’m not wanting to cause an issues and I didn’t get into specifics for this exact reason, in that I didn’t want to single a particular group out but as you’ve commented, I will say that I don’t view all ‘‘difficulties’ the same. As I stated, imo some people bring things on, whereas a child born with two horrific parents (one an alcoholic) who can’t/wont take care of their them and treat them right/put them first… has absolutely zero choice.

Again I realise you were trying to be helpful but in some situations that’s not helping- in the same way someone may say my 93 year old dad passed away, I know how hard if you had good parents but it’s not the same as someone saying their 60 year old dad died.

Too add, I don’t think those in abusive relationships bring it on of course and it’s awful but there are ways out, where’s for 10 year old there absolutely aren’t. Again some may say that’s harsh but from my life and circumstances that’s how I view it

I get what you mean OP 💐

My mum died when I was 30, I'm 42, if I'd had her for the last 12 years and she died yesterday it'd be just as horrific. I didn't realise that when It happened. But I do now.

You can't compare pain. Yes I can know my many miscarriages don't add up to the suffering from my friends stillbirth. That me losing my mum isn't as bad as someone losing a sibling or child. There are so many a wful things that happen in life.

It's now how many times you're knocked down, it's how you get back up

Are you saying i brought on my abusive relationship or that my close relative dying by suicide is my fault???

Either way I think you need serious therapy. That is not ok!

Posted my reply before you added the bit about abusive relationships. Regardless I genuinely don't think ive ever seen such a horrible reply on here to someone trying to be helpful.

That’s lovely for you and it’s great you appreciate what you have. After the crap you’ve gone through I’m pleased.

Looking back I never had a good mam as she chose alcohol since I was 11/12.

Thank you @Barnbrack 🥰

Your post has almost had me in tears. I’ve literally just had my first counselling session £80 a session 😳😭 but I’m so mad about my childhood that I do feel it could help partly understand how much childhood affects my life now. Thank you 🙏

My mum had 5 of us, I worked from the age of 11 and every penny went back into the house. They just kept having babies and a ridiculous amount of household income went on cigarettes which ultimately killed her in her 50s.

Yet that was part of her own childhood cycle of abuse. You seem to have developed something like covert narcissism, where you can only perceive how everyone's behaviour impacted you, where you consider yourself uniquely miserable and therefore justified in actions totally unrelated to your abuse

You need counselling, only you can choose to break that cycle

@plsdontlookatme that means a lot so thank you. It’s the anniversary of my mother’s death of Boxing Day so I always feel a bit ‘something’ not sure what like, but thank you for your kind words. Have a lovely Christmas x

Someone important once said " the past is for reference, we don't live there ".Hope the counselling goes well.

I didn't have an easy ride growing up either op, and it can be really hard for people who haven't had those types of experiences or that level of insecurity when so young to really understand that it does shape your world view. But then at the same time, I kind of think- that's what it's supposed to be like. It's not a "charmed" life, its just the basics of what you deserve. And looking at it like it's something extra special is actually kind of misleading in a way if you get what I mean? I find it very bittersweet now I have ds because on one hand it makes me more acutely aware of what I needed and didn't get as a child, but also I'm really glad I'm able to break that cycle for him and give him a very different experience of a parent which I hope he will be able to pass on to his family if he ever has one. That's something you are giving to your kids but there's maybe some work to be done to nurture your inner child. I've done a lot of therapy on and off over the years and I do think it's helped me so hopefully it's a constructive thing for you as well. I'd just say finding the right counsellor you click with and feel like you're doing the work in a safe way with is key.

@Barnbrack "You can't compare pain" I agree to an extent, because pain is pain and everyone handles/experiences pain differently and it's hard for everyone and everyone rightly deserves empathy when it comes to pain and difficult experiences. But then at the same time, I kind of don't think you can say its incomparable either because some pain causes ptsd and is much harder for people to live and grow alongside as we do when we grieve in other painful situations. And then I think some situations that cause pain have a domino effect and make us more vulnerable and susceptible to other traumatic events and more pain which can compound that pain and trauma even more, making it even harder for people to be able to get back up and be able to function maybe leading to complex ptsd. And that is a different kettle of fish and deserves to be recognised as such. So maybe its less about the event itself than the impact on the individual? Its interesting to think about.

I get it. When you grow up in an abusive household you have a deep rooted existential aloneness that people from loving families will never understand and that no amount of therapy will fix.

If you grew up with loving parents you don’t have that hole, that missing something, I doubt anyone can describe what that feels like, it’s just their normal. I don’t think anyone really has a charmed life though, at some point or another we all deal with illness and loss, you never really know what’s going on behind closed doors.

I’m sorry for what you’re going through with your child that must be incredibly difficult.

I get it. Some people have no idea. Just... no idea at all. About what happens behind closed doors.

I just ignore them. No point in getting angry, jealous, trying to explain or whatever. They had a different upbringing, it's not their fault that they have no idea about ours, and probably can't imagine it either.

Some abusers are very good at keeping it hidden, and presenting themselves as angels, loving parents/spouses, "pillars of the community" etc. It's likely that you and I also know some, think highly of them, and would be shocked if they were accused. That's just how things go, unfortunately. Nobody can know everything.

This is a tone deaf reply, and mean too

I had a good childhood but I have seen enough to realise how lucky I was. As you say I likely could never understand fully BUT I can fully sympathise and imagine how hard it must be. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job and you are giving your DC a good childhood - you are being that nice Mum that by rights you should have had when you were a kid but didn't. That is a huge legacy you are leaving for your kids. Your partner may never really be able to understand your worries, but hopefully he tries to put himself in your shoes.

Totally agree and to also remember (in the vein of getting back up) not everyone experiences the same losses in the same way.

For example I have had many miscarriages. I wasn’t devastated. I didn’t grieve or fall apart but some women do. Some people choose to sta on a grief place for longer - not right or wrong it’s just how some people cope.

I've booked counselling starting end of January because I know I'm hitting a rough time and at risk of a big spiral from it. Worth every penny

Challenging childhood here too - domestic violence, narcissism, absent father, parental suicide attempt...

Ive taken some wrong turns along the way as a result, but as a mature adult i accept that was then, this is now. I can't change my past but i am fully in control of my future.

What changed things for me was therapy, ive done the work and i continue to work on myself every day, challenging my thinking, practicing gratitude and meditating.

It's easy to blame your past, it undoubtedly affects you, but you are in control of how you go forward, even though you may need support/counselling to get there.

I think.goinf through stuff at a younger age definitely affects you.for life. I say so as someone who went through violence aimed mostly at me from age about 12-19 when I left home. For me, I feel mostly 'normal' on thr surface but when things get tough I either withdraw as a coping mechanism or find i quickly spiral, more quicker han is normal because I think it affects our ability to feel stable/ on an even keel. Being open about it with people you're close to can help them understand and support you. I'm sure you're also understanding of the unique ways they need to be supported.

Again I disagree. It not about comparing pain but if push come to shove and you’re asking, then… a women experiencing a miscarriage at 38 weeks is significantly worse than one that happens at 9 weeks IMO.
It feels like you’re digressing the topic when I’m not referring to miscarriage. It’s awful but it happens to what 1 in 2 women
so its not uncommon at all, in fact it’s very common. Most women who go in to have babies don’t need to see a counsellor afterwards unless off course it was a late miscarriage which is absolutely understandable