Page 4 | To think those with at least ordinarily lives can’t understand despite being sympathetic?

OJred · 2025-12-24T22:18:37+00:00

My Mam was an alcoholic from I remember so 12 years old?!! The died when I was 21 from smoking. Dad was an abusive psycho, abused my Mam a siblings emotionally, physically and was vile though I was lucky I escaped the physically abuse generally. Needless to say I have no relationship with him. I’m mid 40’s and have two kids who I’ve tried to shelter from that and give them the best life possible. Their dad is amazing, I’ve never drank in front of them (ones nearly 18 ones 14) as I hated it so never wanted to do that in front of my kids. I took out loans and went to University to try to give my kids the best chance financially (and me as I had no parents to rely on). I feel lucky I have a half decent income, though it’s been hard as there has been no help from parents financially, emotionally, zero help. One of my DC is disabled too so that’s really difficult as I worry so much about them. Good job I don’t take a leaf out my mother’s book or I’d neck a bottle of vodka every night….! 🙄 So I find things hard because of my situation. My DH has none of the above to contend with and my DC aren’t his biologically and he thinks I’m pessimistic at times so tonight I’ve had it out with him. Very difficult childhood then chronic worry about own of my children who is unlikely to be independent. I get fed up of hearing about those who make their own “difficult situations” and I can’t be arsed with it. I said to to my DH (who is close to his parents and sees the weekly and that’s lovely) if you hadn’t see your mam for nearly 25 years and even before that she was always drunk and your dad was a selfish man who never bothered, you wouldn’t view life the same way as you do. It made me think of judgmental people who haven’t experienced really shit childhoods and have had, what I consider ‘charmed lives’. So I’m not interested in hearing from those with charmed lives. It’s those who have had it difficult through not fault or choice of their own, such as abusive parents etc.. or worse, those who have really poorly children as my heart breaks for their people as it’s out of their hands

Original poster

OJred · 25/12/2025 01:16

Burntt · 25/12/2025 00:09

I was ready to agree with you, particularly about parenting a disabled child (I have two autistic kids and while both technically disabled one has a by far worse life and parents of kids like my lower need child always empathise with how hard it is but honestly it’s just not the same set of worries when you know one day you will be too old to care and the state of support systems etc).

but then read your comments about abused women having more choice than a child. I was an abused and neglected child who walked right into an abusive marriage. It’s not a woman’s fault when she’s been raised by parents and even society to not see abuse and control until his claws are so deep leaving (with your child/ren) is so incredibly difficult. Then when you leave the family court orders contact between the child and their abusive parent and even when they come home marked police and social services won’t do anything because of that court order and the family court when you take it back just rule against you. I spent years wishing I’d not left when my children were too young to be listened to. I have real empathy for women who stay because they can’t stand to risk their abuser having contact with the child and infuriating reading all the pile in of people blindly faithful the system protects these kids. It fucking does not.

everyone has troubles. One person’s massive trouble will not even register for some others and visa versa. Take your loosing a parent at different ages example. My alcoholic neglectful father died at a moderately young age from unrelated cancer and I felt nothing, whereas I can fully see how loosing a loving parent in their 90s would hurt more

I’m sorry you’re going through that but the fact you he an abusive childhood is a factor why you went with an abusive man?

Abusive childhoods have a lot to answer for though I don’t believe all wine in abusive relationship come from abusive childhoods - my mother had a great childhood and gave me a shit one

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adviceneeded1990 · 25/12/2025 01:18

OJred · 24/12/2025 23:23

Again I disagree. It not about comparing pain but if push come to shove and you’re asking, then… a women experiencing a miscarriage at 38 weeks is significantly worse than one that happens at 9 weeks IMO.
It feels like you’re digressing the topic when I’m not referring to miscarriage. It’s awful but it happens to what 1 in 2 women
so its not uncommon at all, in fact it’s very common. Most women who go in to have babies don’t need to see a counsellor afterwards unless off course it was a late miscarriage which is absolutely understandable

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I felt sorry for you until this post. Early miscarriages are exceptionally painful and many women do need to “see a counsellor afterwards.” But they can’t possibly have it as bad as you, can they? Maybe look at who you are as a person and how much empathy you have towards others instead of fooling yourself that everyone else has a perfect life.

Original poster

OJred · 25/12/2025 01:21

Barnbrack · 25/12/2025 00:26

Parenting a child with a disability is incredibly hard, the hours spent in hospital. The worry, the physical toll, the emotional impact, career impact etc etc. but again it's a common trauma and people who have both complex childhood trauma and children with disabilities are not uncommon

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Sadly there are plenty of children of children with SEN but the majority of the will lead and live independent lives so I don’t think that’s common place ok the way you suggest. Most parents don’t worry if their children will be independent

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adviceneeded1990 · 25/12/2025 01:21

thegrinchwasontosomething · 25/12/2025 00:35

There’s a lot of well meaning people on here, but some of the advice to @OJred is massively patronising.

saying that people who’ve experienced both childhood trauma and dealing with disabled children ‘aren’t uncommon’ doesn’t make anything better for OP.

I get it OP. The world is really unfair and this thread proves that many people just don’t get it. You can be angry and resentful that some people seem to get an easy ride without being a narcissist.

i do think most people don’t understand the difficulties others face and even if they do realise their own fortune, there’s a very human tendency to believe out good luck is down to our own wise choices.

OP - I think some of the replies on this post have proved your point. It also demonstrates that it’s important to talk this through with a therapist who understands what you’re going through

The OP saying miscarriages are common doesn’t change the fact that I’m lying wide awake in tears because I’ve had two this year alone and should be holding my baby who was due a fortnight ago. If she can be scathing and minimising about other peoples pain she can take realistic advice about hers.

Original poster

OJred · 25/12/2025 01:23

LongBreath · 25/12/2025 00:29

OP, where is this attitude getting you? What benefit are you deriving from it?

It’s the attitude on here by those who like to reply but have no clue.

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Cherry8809 · 25/12/2025 01:23

OJred · 25/12/2025 01:02

Tell me you’ve had a charmed life without telling me…

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You have NO idea. Literally. Zero.

There have been multiple documentaries about events in my life. Events that were front page mainstream news.

Do I berate other people and tell them their past couldn’t possibly have been as traumatic as mine? Absolutely not.

A person can have been through significant trauma and still be empathetic towards others.

A person can also have been through significant trauma and become a self absorbed, insufferable individual.

I believe you fall into the latter category.

Barnbrack · 25/12/2025 01:24

adviceneeded1990 · 25/12/2025 01:21

The OP saying miscarriages are common doesn’t change the fact that I’m lying wide awake in tears because I’ve had two this year alone and should be holding my baby who was due a fortnight ago. If she can be scathing and minimising about other peoples pain she can take realistic advice about hers.

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She can't see pain it with herself. I'm sorry, that's such a hard.place to be in and I remember it well. Sending you all the healing and kindness. Clexane I jection, Metformin and progesterone suppositories were the magic recipe that finally gave me my 2 babies. With 7 miscarriages over 7 years as well. The pain is awful. I hope you get happiness

stormwatcher · 25/12/2025 01:25

OP, it was only recently that I came across the checklist for adverse childhood experiences in relation to complex trauma.I was stunned that so much of my childhood was encapsulated in those factual descriptors. The fact that so many posters are urging you to somehow let go of the past before listing their own issues shows a woeful ignorance-maybe they are clueless, maybe they feel uncomfortable, or are reminded of suffering they would rather forget.And some will be charmed, privileged etc.
All I know is that despite being brave in so many parts of my life, I am terrified of trauma therapy , terrified of encountering the little child who was alone and unseen and desparate, and recoil at the thought of going back there ever again, even from the safety of a therapist's room. I will never be the person I should have been, and you are absolutely right that the suffering endured by abused children is utterly different and worse than that endured by adults, because it seems endless, there is no one to tell, home is a prison and children are powerless.I went from that childhood to an abusive husband.I was damaged early on.I left my husband.I couldn't escape my childhood until I was 18, but I haven't escaped it, not really.You never do.

PollyBell · 25/12/2025 01:28

OJred · 25/12/2025 01:23

It’s the attitude on here by those who like to reply but have no clue.

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No you have no clue

Iwouldntsaythat · 25/12/2025 01:29

Good grief OP, you seem to have zero capacity to understand that many people have difficult lives and comparison is ridiculous Yoo have had a tough time but that is no excuse for lack of empathy with others suffering. You are not exceptional

Barnbrack · 25/12/2025 01:30

stormwatcher · 25/12/2025 01:25

OP, it was only recently that I came across the checklist for adverse childhood experiences in relation to complex trauma.I was stunned that so much of my childhood was encapsulated in those factual descriptors. The fact that so many posters are urging you to somehow let go of the past before listing their own issues shows a woeful ignorance-maybe they are clueless, maybe they feel uncomfortable, or are reminded of suffering they would rather forget.And some will be charmed, privileged etc.
All I know is that despite being brave in so many parts of my life, I am terrified of trauma therapy , terrified of encountering the little child who was alone and unseen and desparate, and recoil at the thought of going back there ever again, even from the safety of a therapist's room. I will never be the person I should have been, and you are absolutely right that the suffering endured by abused children is utterly different and worse than that endured by adults, because it seems endless, there is no one to tell, home is a prison and children are powerless.I went from that childhood to an abusive husband.I was damaged early on.I left my husband.I couldn't escape my childhood until I was 18, but I haven't escaped it, not really.You never do.

It is terrible. Trauma therapy is as hard as the situation that caused the trauma in the first place. It forces you to go through it rather than try to avoid it. It's horrific. But you come out the other side much happier

Original poster

OJred · 25/12/2025 01:33

I want to thank a few amazing supportive posters but I need to play Santa now so I’ll look back over this thread in a few days and thank those who has been understanding.

You can tell by the replies that most have had a charmed life or at least, nothing extraordinary! (I refer to in my OP) so of course they don’t understand - that was the point in my thread I guess.

Thanks to the kind, understanding and empathetic posters who get it! 🥰

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IncessantNameChanger · 25/12/2025 01:41

Having a abusive parent is hard for others to understand. More so when it's your mum as I find no one believes it could be true. I also have a disabled child. IDK, I look at his peers in all of SEN schools over the years and I don't know how any of the other parents cope. It's like no truly gets what it's like to be me. But it's true for the other parents. But we have much in common too. But there's lots of us in this situation. We are all in separate boats I realised a while ago. My disabled son gives me a unique joy I'd never have known without him. It's not easy and I fear for his future. But he is a joy and a gift too. Try to focus on the good bits. I also refuse to be a victim. Of my mum. Of life. I choose not to be. I'm a fighter and a survivor. I'm strong.

adviceneeded1990 · 25/12/2025 01:42

OJred · 25/12/2025 01:33

I want to thank a few amazing supportive posters but I need to play Santa now so I’ll look back over this thread in a few days and thank those who has been understanding.

You can tell by the replies that most have had a charmed life or at least, nothing extraordinary! (I refer to in my OP) so of course they don’t understand - that was the point in my thread I guess.

Thanks to the kind, understanding and empathetic posters who get it! 🥰

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Utterly clueless. Many of us have had bad things happen, but unless it’s happening to you, you will class it as “nothing extraordinary,” showing your complete self obsession. Trauma can cause this and I hope therapy works for you and helps you to become a kinder, more understanding and more empathetic person.

Isittimeformynapyet · 25/12/2025 01:43

Lavender14 · 25/12/2025 01:04

Op has essentially explained this stating that boxing day is a particularly hard anniversary and Christmas is usually quite triggering in and of itself, not only on the abusive childhood front, but also on the caring for a child who has a disability front as services close and routines change. All reasons why op may be feeling a bit more fragile and overwhelmed than normal and has come here to vent frustration and seek empathy and support and has challenged her dh because he's there but she doesn't feel really heard or understood by him presumably? I'd say there are also a fair few wives irked with their other halves as it is tonight as they cover the lions share for tomorrow and we don't know what her context is.

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Yes, that's a fair explanation. Thanks.

Original poster

OJred · 25/12/2025 02:00

A final thought I had tonight, if you have healthy children who all grow up to be independent then you’re winning in life!!!

Other things come and go and people have struggles, but for most people their kids are their world, so stands to reason it’s important to the majority of people that’s their kids grow up to do what the ‘average adult’ can do, like get married, have kids, live independently

So aside from illness of children, that’s one of the worst situations a mother can find themselves in so I’m not interested in those who reply but have no clue of the worse things that can happen as a parent, never mind having an awful childhood as the posters that’s why I have little sympathy for most as that’s the worse thing.

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SnipSnipMrBurgess · 25/12/2025 02:04

Happy Christmas OP.

Id imagine you are really feeling it because you have done your first session of therapy. I remember that, I felt like I came out of it worse or angrier, all these emotions and memories being brought up, it made me mad.

But here's the thing. Your DH doesn't understand but thats not his fault. He hasn't experienced it. Your kids wont understand if you decide to share with them when older because they wont have experienced it. And thank god for that.

Channel your anger into your therapy and take all the help you can get. Not to play misery Olympics but I have had it tougher than you, I promise you that if you embrace the help and the counselling it will get better.

Now go be santa and make fun memories and stay away from this thread it's no good for you!

YourRubyBear · 25/12/2025 02:15

I would just like to wish everyone lots of love and a very merry Christmas ,people have been through all sorts some might seem less some might seem more but we are all individuals and it effects us differently don’t let anyone put you down keep being strong and reach out for help when you need it xxx

Original poster

OJred · 25/12/2025 02:21

carconcerns · 24/12/2025 23:52

Being in an abusive relationship as an adult or having one friend commit suicide - as horrendous as it is-is NO COMPARISON to having thoroughly abusive and neglectful parents.

When your whole emotional/inner life, the lens you see life through and your self esteem and identity are formed by abusive adults with complete power over you it just can't be compared nothing to do with misery Olympics!

Some vile replies on here, @sunshine244
@Sillysoggyspaniel

Unfortunately you're unlikely to find much empathy on here, hope things get better for you soon

I've not experienced what you have but I am a foster carer and witness the effects 🌷

You sound absolutely lovely and I can completely understand get you’re a foster carer, only certain people can do it (and should do it)

Yes, people really have no clue despite thinking they do because their cat died when they were 10 or their grandpa died when he was 86 or their first boyfriend told them to FOFF, so they understand trauma 🙄 if it wasn’t so tragic it would be laughable. 😞 It’s awuf.

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adviceneeded1990 · 25/12/2025 02:21

OJred · 25/12/2025 02:00

A final thought I had tonight, if you have healthy children who all grow up to be independent then you’re winning in life!!!

Other things come and go and people have struggles, but for most people their kids are their world, so stands to reason it’s important to the majority of people that’s their kids grow up to do what the ‘average adult’ can do, like get married, have kids, live independently

So aside from illness of children, that’s one of the worst situations a mother can find themselves in so I’m not interested in those who reply but have no clue of the worse things that can happen as a parent, never mind having an awful childhood as the posters that’s why I have little sympathy for most as that’s the worse thing.

There are people who can’t have children or whose children have died who would swap you in a heartbeat. There’s always someone worse off, and thinking like that instead of wallowing in misery and not considering how others may feel while you minimise their pain might help you.

Original poster

OJred · 25/12/2025 02:31

adviceneeded1990 · 25/12/2025 02:21

There are people who can’t have children or whose children have died who would swap you in a heartbeat. There’s always someone worse off, and thinking like that instead of wallowing in misery and not considering how others may feel while you minimise their pain might help you.

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I’ve literally just said havivg a child that’s Ill (or pass away) is the most horrific thing ever so of course I’d not want to be in that situation but thankfully that’s not the norm for most people.

Surely no one would want to be in that situation and that’s the point. The next worst scenario is havivg a child who won’t lead an independent life and needs constant care and the stress faced by parents worrying what will happen to their child when they die and they aren’t there to look after them and advocate for them, would people swap with that?? No I don’t think so! There’s nothing worse than that!

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Original poster

OJred · 25/12/2025 02:42

Fibonacci2 · 25/12/2025 00:46

I’ve got a severely disabled child… do you want to swap notes so you can compare the severity of disability and judge how sad I’m allowed to feel. Can yours feed themselves? Toilet on their own? Communicate?

Of course some things are worse than others, losing a child is worse than losing a parent etc… I suspect there are people far worse off than you but you won’t want to hear from them.

It’s not top trumps, you sound incredibly self pitying.

I’m sorry you are in the same situation as an adult. I can’t think of anything worse than worrying about what will happen to my disabled child when we’re no longer here.

I don’t want to argue with you as I know it can’t be easy but I think your comments is dismissive. I hope you have a good support network

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adviceneeded1990 · 25/12/2025 02:46

OJred · 25/12/2025 02:31

I’ve literally just said havivg a child that’s Ill (or pass away) is the most horrific thing ever so of course I’d not want to be in that situation but thankfully that’s not the norm for most people.

Surely no one would want to be in that situation and that’s the point. The next worst scenario is havivg a child who won’t lead an independent life and needs constant care and the stress faced by parents worrying what will happen to their child when they die and they aren’t there to look after them and advocate for them, would people swap with that?? No I don’t think so! There’s nothing worse than that!

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Most people in your situation would find it hard, of course they would. But most wouldn’t minimise the pain of other people the way you have on this thread, most people realise that real life isn’t the pain olympics and we all have our own struggles, some of which will be less difficult than yours and some of which might be worse. People also cope with life differently and some have better coping strategies and support systems than others. As I said before I hope therapy helps you.

Original poster

OJred · 25/12/2025 02:49

Lavender14 · 25/12/2025 00:54

I do understand what you're saying, and I know you have experience with these challenges as well and are genuinely trying to be helpful with your posts - but the point I'm trying to make (perhaps badly in fairness) is that you can't hold it against someone for not being as self aware or as accepting and adjusted as you are. Op has had one session of therapy so far, I've had multiple over the years plus related supervisions every month for over 10 years, plus specific training etc all through work but that's also really useful for me personally. I wouldn't expect us to be in the same place with this stuff or for op to be empathetic to everyone else when shes describing feeling pretty misunderstood and alone with what she's coping with. Experiencing empathy is usually what builds empathy and maybe op hasn't had enough of that in her life.

How resilient you maybe are as a person and how many skills for managing you have doesn't mean you get to judge or dismiss someone who isn't at that place in themselves yet let alone call them a narcissist. There are better ways to phrase that given that narcissist has so many negative connotations which would be really triggering for some people who have experienced similar abuse, such as just acknowledgement that it's a trauma response in itself because it's part of protecting and defending yourself when you can't easily trust others. And trauma responses are not readily dropped. It still speaks to the fact that some pains will have a lifetime impact, and others just don't have that impact. Doesn't mean it's not valid pain- it's just different, perhaps easier to deal with or at least get support with or compassion from others around it. I'd say that the amount of social support around childhood abuse is fairly limited- it's not something that tends to come up so it isn't something my friends would be fully aware of (they know little bits but nowhere near the full extent), you don't have family to lean on, if you do talk about it the assumption is - well that's over now so it's OK right? Or the lovely "you can't be nc you only get one mum that's awful to say" nonsense. So if you don't have a partner who is very understanding or a sibling you have s good relationship with then that's a lonely place to sit. A lot of other pains listed on this thread are more 'common place' or at least more talked about because they're things that tend to happen to us as adults. Everyone knows someone who's been in a horrific relationship, everyone knows someone who's experienced the loss of a pregnancy or a bereavement of a parent or been affected by illness or suicide it's why we've lots of great support services set up to rightly support people facing those difficulties in life. But there's comparatively quite little out there for people who were abused or neglected as children unless you can pay privately for therapy which is unaffordable for many people, particularly compounded by those lifetime issues I mentioned in the last post.

Just because you're willing and able for something doesn't mean someone else is. And I think it's quite important we allow grace for that?

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I think I love you 🥰 You’ve been so supportive in your message as have some other wonderful posters, thank you, honestly, thank you ☺️

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Original poster

OJred · 25/12/2025 02:53

Kirbert2 · 25/12/2025 01:06

I get it OP.

My child is disabled too. Happened suddenly when he was 8, 2 years ago in March. Cancer. He experienced almost every single complication you can have and he ended up staying in hospital for 10 months despite him 'only' needing 3 months of chemotherapy.

Everything changed. I'm still traumatised and still sometimes have nightmares. I'm angry that it happened and angry that he had to have so many complications.

But I also feel lucky, lucky that's here because some of the friends he met on the oncology ward are no longer with us. Guilty because he survived and far too many children with cancer don't survive. Scared because there's always the chance it will come back or that he'll develop a secondary cancer or any other long term complication due to chemotherapy.

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I’m so sorry for what you and your son have endured. You sound so lovely. I hope you have a lovely Christmas x

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