To think those with at least ordinarily lives can’t understand despite being sympathetic?

[OJred]

My Mam was an alcoholic from I remember so 12 years old?!! The died when I was 21 from smoking.

Dad was an abusive psycho, abused my Mam a siblings emotionally, physically and was vile though I was lucky I escaped the physically abuse generally. Needless to say I have no relationship with him. I’m mid 40’s and have two kids who I’ve tried to shelter from that and give them the best life possible. Their dad is amazing, I’ve never drank in front of them (ones nearly 18 ones 14) as I hated it so never wanted to do that in front of my kids.

I took out loans and went to University to try to give my kids the best chance financially (and me as I had no parents
to rely on). I feel lucky I have a half decent income, though it’s been hard as there has been no help from parents financially, emotionally, zero help.

One of my DC is disabled too so that’s really difficult as I worry so much about them. Good job I don’t take a leaf out my mother’s book or I’d neck a bottle of vodka every night….! 🙄

So I find things hard because of my situation. My DH has none of the above to contend with and my DC aren’t his biologically and he thinks I’m pessimistic at times so tonight I’ve had it out with him. Very difficult childhood then chronic worry about own of my children who is unlikely to be independent. I get fed up of hearing about those who make their own “difficult situations” and I can’t be arsed with it.

I said to to my DH (who is close to his parents and sees the weekly
and that’s lovely) if you hadn’t see your mam for nearly 25 years and even before that she was always drunk and your dad was a selfish man who never bothered, you wouldn’t view life the same way as you do.

It made me think of judgmental people who haven’t experienced really shit childhoods and have had, what I consider ‘charmed lives’.

So I’m not interested in hearing from those with charmed lives. It’s those who have had it difficult through not fault or choice of their own, such as abusive parents etc.. or worse, those who have really poorly children as my heart breaks for their people as it’s out of their hands

I worry all the time and will for the rest of my life. It’s not something a parent of a ‘normal’ child will understand. Don’t get me started on those recently ‘diagnosed’ in their 40’s (married, jobs living normal lives with a smidge of additional anxiety) Autism is fucking debilitatingly awful. No independent living for us.

On the other hand, I have a beautiful healthy boy.

Just like you will never be able to understand what it’s like If all your son does is self pleasure and smear his faeces on the walls, you are better than some. (Recently pointed out to me that some are so much worse).

Well that’s how I feel and the point in this thread. I feel woe is me and angry and I was pretty blunt in my OP. As a pp pointed out (who is also a foster cared so sees how abusive parents negatively impacts their child’s lives) an abusive relationship isn’t the same as a child having abusive parents.

Yes, partly it's true, those that have had a charmed life simply can't understand. Is that the difference between empathy and sympathy?

You sound so lovely

This is the issue, people conflating common occurrences which can be awful such as a death of a loved one or an early miscarriage (which most people go through) to something that most people don’t go through. Of course the above examples are awful but most people aren’t traumatised and carry it through life forever more.

People die and people lose their parents and its sad but they get through, the vast majority of people this happens to because if it didn’t and it was the other way around then that would be tragic (the parent losing a child)

These occurrences aren’t the same as abusive childhoods and it goes to show by this reply, the utter lack of understanding.

I had an abusive childhood, followed later by an abusive marriage.

Eldest child has cerebal palsy, 3 younger ones are ND.

But I decided to let the anger go because it wasnt hurting the people who hurt me. It wasnt curing my sons disability, it wasnt taking away my other childrens struggle.

It was only hurting me.

Do I still feel pain and sadness about how things were/are? Of course, I am not made of stone. But do I focus on the unfairness of it? No.. Because what on earth would be the point? As I said, it wont change anything but what it will do is grow a black hatred and bitterness inside me that would poison me. Inevitably that poison would turn outwards and it would make me the very person I am bitter towards. You sound dangerously close to becoming that which you hate.

So I made a different choice to the one she made and you can too.

I wish you well

Clue of what? A lovey secure children and perfect adulthood?

Mother alcoholic died when I was 21. Abusive dad who beat my siblings up abd my mother do NC with him.
Moved out at 18 and would have been homeless if it wasn’t for a friend who was in similar situation so we rented a bedsit together
Moving house with bin bags on a bus as no one to help.
Have a child who can’t be left alone abd will never be independent.

Yep I’m clueless….

Its coming across to me that you are using your vicitmhood as a way to define yourself.

I get that, I did it too, especially in my 20's when I had finally properly escaped from the familial abuse. I kind of used it as a "get out of jail free" card, I didnt really know any other way to be. I knew that I wasnt the evil person I was made out to be, so what was I? A victim who deserves a free pass on what I said and I did. But it wasnt a get out of jail free for me, and it isnt for you either.

You can choose a different path.

Ironically I wasn’t as frustrated when I was in my 20’s. Not I’m a mother I would do anything for my children and that’s why I worry so much about their future (especially DC with disabilities) and it dawns in me my parents didn’t give two shits

Was your mother abusing alcohol because she didnt give a shit or because it was her coping mechanism as a victim of abuse? You say yourself that you didnt suffer the levels of abuse that her and your siblings did.

So your mother and your siblings could argue that you dont understand what they went through. Because you dont.

My point is that we each suffer different things in different ways. What you may see as a wonderful childhood may not have been wonderful for the child concerned. This is why I really think that some therapy to help you unpick this and reframe it so that you dont have the black bitterness growing inside for ever would be the best thing.

You dont have to choose the angry path as your father did or the escapist path that your mother took.

You have no clue if you think you are the only person on the planet who has issues as children themselves, you appear to be playing a professional victim it is not a hobby

This is the crux of your failure to understand other people can have deep trauma as well as you. How common something is does not correlate with the impact of it on someone's life and mental health.

My childhood was almost exactly as you describe yours

however you can’t judge others because you think they have had it easy

We just accept what happened to us - it’s not other people’s fault. They’re allowed to feel they’re having a hard time or they’re struggling to make a decision - they’re allowed to feel how they feel

My brother killed himself 3 years ago and my sister has serious mental health issues too.

You need to work on your empathy thermometer. At the moment it's 0.
People face hardship, sadness and trauma in more than one way. You can't dictate how others are meant to feel.

Enjoy your DC and have a lovely Christmas Day 🎄

It’s not realistic advice- it’s people retaliating because they’ve taken offence at a stranger saying things on an internet forum. She is lashing out about the sense of unfairness. Many posters on here who have difficulty conceiving, talk about jealousy or resentment when they see friends with babies.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

I never said either was as bad. I gave these as examples of two things that had happened to me that almost no one knows about. It was an example of how people may seem to have 'ordinary' lives to op but actually don't.

As it happens it was my abusive dad who killed himself. I also have two autistic children. It's not a competition nor did I try to make it one. My point is valid - you never know what other people have been through.

I get exactly what you're saying, OP.

When you've had a traumatic childhood, no one who hasn't can really understand.

It shapes you.

I too had one alcoholic parent, who was abusive, and another plain abusive one. When I left school, it literally felt like I fell off a cliff. All my classmates stayed on the top of the cliff, merrily running around laughing, having fun, looking out at the bright horizon, where I was stumbling around in the rocks and shit at the bottom with no-one to help me. That's the only way I can describe it.

I have managed to climb up, but I will never be where my classmates are, either financially or emotionally. But they would be unable to see that I have actually handled an incredibly difficult situation with incredible strength and grace.

I am a lovely parent now, and have found being so incredibly healing. My child will never be let down like I was. Maybe try to view it like that? I am sorry for what you (and I) went through, and say well done for getting to where you are.

Thank you. People are telling the OP to stop playing the victim and that lots of people are in pain. That is realistic advice because the alternative is just continuing to wallow and feel sorry for herself. Many people have difficult childhoods and disabled children, the OP is clearly in pain but her responses to other people’s experiences have been minimising and quite nasty and dismissive. It’s hard to show empathy for someone who clearly defines herself by her victim status. Hopefully therapy helps.

You have had a tough time. We cant control our parentage. Those of us with 'charmed' lives have been fortunate. However, people will bsck away if you drain the joy our of them. Put your bitterness aside.

It does not mean that you have to wallow in self pity for the rest of your life.

I had a horrendous childhood, but to me self pity = my abusers would have won.
I don't expect everyone to agree with my approach, but as an adult with my own family I like to invest my energy in other things.

Okay so because a poster has said it then it must be true? There are types of abuse that YOU don’t understand OP. Very different to what you went through as a child and arguably even worse. But I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I had it worse off than you and you should be grateful because that would be a vile thing to do. All trauma is trauma.

Your life will never improve whilst you wallow in a pit of self pity.

OP I think what you're getting at (correct me if I'm wrong) is that if you've not had that security in childhood, there's a type of void that makes everything else harder to deal with. It isn't about being competitive with bad life experiences. If you've had the security in childhood, had that unconditional love, then when bad things do happen you do of course suffer, but you have an internal confidence that you'll pull through, that you deserve to pull through, that other people will pick you up.
When you haven't had that security, you can try and build it up yourself, but it's fragile. A bad life experience can be a reminder that you're on your own, it leaves you questioning whether there was ever any point in trying, that you can't really rely on anyone.

It isn't about wallowing but it is about getting through life with the feeling that something is missing.

A flip side that I'm starting to see now with peers is people losing loving parents, especially their mum's, and them talking about the indescribable pain of loss - they find it really hard to navigate life emotionally, knowing that person isn't in the background. I sympathise with them of course, but I can't understand it as I never saw a parent as a source of support or someone I could trust. And that makes me realise how different life must be, and how different we are in terms of our feelings of self worth, for those who have had that experience and those who haven't.

I think the op is trying to say that an abusive childhood has a more severe and lasting impact than other tragedies, and I agree.

it colours everything, from the very beginning of life to the very end.