To think those with at least ordinarily lives can’t understand despite being sympathetic?

[OJred]

My Mam was an alcoholic from I remember so 12 years old?!! The died when I was 21 from smoking.

Dad was an abusive psycho, abused my Mam a siblings emotionally, physically and was vile though I was lucky I escaped the physically abuse generally. Needless to say I have no relationship with him. I’m mid 40’s and have two kids who I’ve tried to shelter from that and give them the best life possible. Their dad is amazing, I’ve never drank in front of them (ones nearly 18 ones 14) as I hated it so never wanted to do that in front of my kids.

I took out loans and went to University to try to give my kids the best chance financially (and me as I had no parents
to rely on). I feel lucky I have a half decent income, though it’s been hard as there has been no help from parents financially, emotionally, zero help.

One of my DC is disabled too so that’s really difficult as I worry so much about them. Good job I don’t take a leaf out my mother’s book or I’d neck a bottle of vodka every night….! 🙄

So I find things hard because of my situation. My DH has none of the above to contend with and my DC aren’t his biologically and he thinks I’m pessimistic at times so tonight I’ve had it out with him. Very difficult childhood then chronic worry about own of my children who is unlikely to be independent. I get fed up of hearing about those who make their own “difficult situations” and I can’t be arsed with it.

I said to to my DH (who is close to his parents and sees the weekly
and that’s lovely) if you hadn’t see your mam for nearly 25 years and even before that she was always drunk and your dad was a selfish man who never bothered, you wouldn’t view life the same way as you do.

It made me think of judgmental people who haven’t experienced really shit childhoods and have had, what I consider ‘charmed lives’.

So I’m not interested in hearing from those with charmed lives. It’s those who have had it difficult through not fault or choice of their own, such as abusive parents etc.. or worse, those who have really poorly children as my heart breaks for their people as it’s out of their hands

Sending love to all the other imperfect, alive victim-survivors doing their best to muddle along despite it all 💐

We all have our cross to bear. Your struggles have been tough but it doesn’t make someone elses less valid, different but real. I was sexually abused as a child and when my parents found out they decided it would be more traumatic for me to do anything about it, choosing instead to never bring it up again. I lived across the road from my abuser. You have to find a way to accept it as shit as it was and not let the shit rule your life now.

You won’t know people pasta unless they choose to tell you. How dare you judge other people when you know nothing about them?

life isn’t a game of tragedy top trumps

this is coming from someone who’s mother used to turn up drunk to primary school parents evening, school used to take notes/consent from me about my brother as they knew my mum and as probably in a drunken stupor somewhere, someone who use to forge the child begefit book for cash but also shop lift, used to hide from bailiffs. Brother who committed suicide and a sister with major mental health issues……yes it was bad but I don’t live my life thinking other people’s troubles and feelings are less valid than my own

I don't think the OP isn't playing top trumps or invalidating anyone's pain.

I see exactly what she's saying. I think only people who have suffered ongoing childhood abuse, not having one 'safe' person or adult in their lives growing up, can truly understand.

She was speaking of her own husband though who she presumably does know!

I think it’s very very difficult to compare “pain” as what one person may be able to deal with if they had a good upbringing whereas that same person may not be able to cope with the same situation had their upbringing been a bad one. What I am trying to say is each person is unique.

That being said, as others have mentioned extreme trauma as a child shapes you as a person - it damages you permanently in a way trauma as an adult doesn’t as it impacts you when you are still developing. Not to say it can never be overcome in any way but the effects run deep and not everything can be remedied no matter how much therapy etc.

Domestic abuse re-wires your brain.

You are completely right OP.

I’ve only glanced through some of the replies to the OP, but they rather prove OPs point.

I completely agree.
I won’t go into my own awful childhood circumstances but I look at everyone I know and think they don’t know they are born.
Especially if they are complaining about something petty which they didn’t like from their family upbringing which would have been a fabulous improvement to me or if they are not valuing their ageing parents who were loving and normal to them when they were children.
It drives me mad at times.

It’s probably also worth mentioning in the context of adult trauma and things like domestic abuse - these things are more likely to occur in victims of childhood trauma - because that is what abusers prey on.

A double whammy. I have a lovely friend whom has never had a healthy relationship because her mother is (and I can’t diagnose but I genuinely believe she is as she is like no one I have ever met) a narcissist who abused her all her life. Her brother has gone on to also develop severe mental health problems and her sister unfortunately has gone the same way as her mother as a result of what they were exposed to as children.

I also think the OP got a really hard time for stating what is frequently said here- that an adult even in an abusive relationship almost always has options available to them that a child simply does not. That doesn’t mean it isn’t hard. That doesn’t mean they aren’t also victims.

But I have frequently seen women in abusive relationships on here that are struggling to leave - told to put their children first as the children have no choice in what they are being exposed to.

Loads have had difficult lives but others choose not to have ago at others and don’t need a pity party, sounds like you need some sort of mh help, visit your GP to see what is available before you ruin others lives.

But you could say that about anything when people complain. Most people’s complaints are petty when you compare to others. But that doesn’t mean they should never just have a moan.
As I said earlier I can’t have children. Only managed 4 miscarriages over the past 10 years. And I will now never have children. Should I think that no mother is ever allowed to complain if she’s having a rough time? Should I constantly tell any mother on here that they are lucky they don’t have the pain of infertility so they should never complain? Obviously not. That would be ridiculous.

You just don’t know what’s going on in other people’s lives though op. I had a really shit, abusive upbringing and have a disabled child who will never live independently. I have had lots of counselling and support from my lovely friends.

Conversely DH has lovely parents and a gentle, kind upbringing but recently confessed something about his childhood that is horrific and which he has never told anyone happened. So to the outside eye he looks like the man who got it all but he has had more than his share of suffering.

It’s remarkable how many are offended by the OP. Sadly, some people face harsher realities, which is an objective fact. This isn't subjective; denying it ignores that some are fortunate enough to have better childhoods and adult lives. Additionally, caring for a disabled child is extremely challenging, and those without that experience may never fully comprehend it. Sending big hugs to the poster.

The fact is no one can comprehend anything fully unless they experience it. The issue is the OP is saying her life experiences are worse than ANYTHING else. That no matter what someone experiences as an adult it will never compare to her experiences. But really, there will always be something or someone worse. It’s definitely something I’ve noticed more and more of in recent years. That everyone thinks their pain/suffering/issues are the WORST. And no one else could ever possibly understand and all “everyone else’s” woes are ridiculous and petty.

I suppose it does, but imagine that happening when your brain is very young and still developing.

Young children’s brain have to develop to learn resilience, coping mechanisms, anger management etc etc. childhood abuse is one of the most damaging things that can happen to a person.

and our brains are constantly re wiring as a result of all our experiences. but even then, childhood trauma can cause permanent, irreversible damage

That is exactly why some posters feel offended by the OP, because they believe their situation is worse and consider the OP unreasonable. I am not bothered if the OP thinks her life is worse than mine, even if in reality this might not be the case. I can only sympathise with her struggle to piece things together and find a way to cope with her circumstances. What's truly important is that instead of trying to connect, others are quick to criticise and blame the poster for their attitude towards life. This is concerning. Peace and love.

OP I have read this and you know what I think? Spend some time having it out for yourself. I can feel the anguish and distress in you and if you were my client, i would sit down with you and get right into the things that happened to you.

I know exactly where you're coming from and no, lots of other people will never understand it. That's all good for them, but where does it leave you?

One of the best gifts I gave my traumatized younger self was five years of seriously getting into what happened to me and how it had affected me.

If your husband is saying 'yes I get that all those things happened to you but you're now being too xxxx about life' he may be right.

He won't ever really understand why people like us are the way we are, but if we are off key because of our triggers and wounds, it's ok to heed feedback like that. It doesn't make you wrong.

But we deserve to be able to talk at length about what happened to us, so one survivor to another, my advice is to honour your wound, sit down when it visits and give it the respect it deserves. Only then will it recede and stop troubling you.

You have zero insight or understanding re childhood trauma.
"Holding on to the bad stuff" - it holds on to you, overwhelms you, causes dissociation
"you can fight it"- no you can't-when you are caught by surprise you have a panic attack and struggle to breathe whilst shaking uncontrollably
"Be grateful, be positive, let it go"- aka the unbelievably ignorant delusion that trauma is a pastel coloured balloon we can release before merrily skipping off into the sunset.
How dare you.

The title of her thread says ‘those with….’ not ‘my DH’ suggesting she’s not just talking about her Dh but people in general and uses her dh as an example