MIL wants to arrive 6AM Xmas day

[Countrybumpkin19]

My MIL lives on her own and close by.
The last couple of years she has arrived at our house at 6AM on Christmas day as she likes to see my DDs open their stockings. She has never asked me if that's ok (though presumably spoke to my husband about it). I find it far too much - I don't want to have to talk to any visitors at 6AM when I'm half asleep (least of all my MIL) and see it as an invasion of privacy. As far as I see it stocking opening is intimate family time and I feel she enroaches on this.
This year I sent her a really nice text message asking if it would be ok if she arrived at 9AM so that we have a little bit of time first thing to get ready and prepare for the day (I'm doing all the cooking/hosting). She is then welcome to spend the rest of the day with us. She is really upset by this message and my husband thinks I'm being unreasonable (it has opened up a big argument between us). AIBU?

9am WAS the completely rational and sane compromise and the MIL still had a total meltdown over it.

Equally even if it's his mum the husband doesn't get to dictate! 6am is utterly ridiculous as you say.

So I'm not quite sure what point you are trying to make.

The issue is the MIL having a hissy fit over a ridiculous demand and the son/husband then trying to guilt/bully his wife about being perfectly normal and reasonable in not wanting to get up at silly o'clock to entertain anyone.

I could have guests staying in my house for Christmas and I sure as hell wouldn't be getting up at that time. It would be 9am still and DS would have instructions not to get up before 8am or he wouldn't be getting more presents!

Yeah I wouldn’t do that! I’d say 9/10am and she can watch the kids open their main gifts.

The compromise is ops 9am

He can’t just decide she comes at 6am and everyone gets up anymore than op can really stop it other then her just staying in bed.

So comprise is mil can still come and still sees the grandchildren open main presents but come a couple of hours later. I assume she stays most of the day as well.

It’s completely bonkers to be at someone’s house at 6am. Unless you slept over you have no need to be in someone else’s livingroom / dining room at that time of day. Even if you slept over I’d rather you was still asleep at 6am but that’s not enforceable 😂

Yes OPs view should be respected, but it should be a grown up discussion, not either party demanding stuff.

Bitch? You mean asking her MIL to come round at 9am (still bloody early!) instead of 6am is bitching? Jeez.

why does she need to see them open stockings, and expects OP to host her, make tea and breakfast etc. rather than OP just enjoying that special time with her kids opening presents in bed before the day gets busy. I wouldn’t feel comfortable in my PJs etc with in laws coming over. And it’s still very reasonable to invite her to come after 9am. Most people would say afternoon!

It’s also reasonable to not expect the kids to wait hours after they have woken up to open their stockings. It doesn’t mean she “hates her in laws” FFS.

No she’s moaning about her, saying she oversteps, that she finds her invading privacy. She’s bitching about her.

She also accepts help. My experience is that those that offer help tend to be slightly over involved, but you get the rough with the smooth. You want to take the help, but don’t want to share the joy.

Yeah, I said she was U, no one shouldbe demanding anything. I just feel that I would have wanted to have the discussion with DH and find a compromise we were both happy with then he should have communicated it. Instead OP isnt happy, has decided on the plan, DH not happy with said plan so OP has communicated it. I dont think I have said anything outrageous, I just dont agree fully with how OP went about it.

I actually like my MIL & I know my MIL likes me. She has a very domineering personality. She could have been a very powerful woman. My H from the day I met him warned me she would be a nightmare & ignore her. It was only when he got serious with me did he put his foot down with her. He said it was important he did it because if I did it she wouldn’t listen & he’s right & even though I do defend myself I very much am a pick your battles type of person. H it’s all a battle & he lets nothing go.

“Intimate family time” - WTF? It’s opening Christmas presents. And she IS family. 6 am might be too early but your reasoning behind it ( it’s very “my little family”) is cruel. She lives alone and wants to spend time with her grandchildren on Christmas Day and see them open the presents. That’s hardly crime of the century.

Let her in at 9 and do the stockings at 9.

I would say that her DHs reaction to her perfectly normal response probably indicates the OP has fair comment on the overstepping because her DH doesn't see the issue with his mother being there ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

It's one of those where the husband doesn't understand boundaries. That doesn't mean chucking out MIL. It's understanding that the MILs dependency is problematic - she needs a life of her own too. That's not wishing her away, it's recognising she demanding too much time with her son and never giving space. All too often in practical terms it's actually the wife who ends up having to entertain and look after the MIL not the son too.

I have never said she hates her in laws, I have said other posters have said that, OP hasn't said anything nasty about her.

None of what the OP has offered is unreasonable, I have not said that, just said what my family have done as an alternative view and commented that some posters have been particularly nasty. My main issue is that DH and I would have worked out a suitable plan that worked for both of us and he would have communicated that with inlaws, we have had to do that many a time with FIL. It definitely would have caused my upset coming from me.

Everyone is different with what they're comfortable with but just because I feel differently to majority about doesnt make what I'm saying awful. I'm not the only one who does things differently, and my RL experiences reflect mine more than the majority on this thread so I dont think we're that unusual.

That’s not moaning or bitching, it’s stating facts!
It’s one thing to have a bit of give and take if the MIL is helping out a lot, that’s fine but that doesn’t mean it’s reasonable for her to rock up at 6am and encroach on their personal family time!
@Countrybumpkin19then said that she’s then expected to make tea and breakfast and that she’ll be doing all the cooking and hosting. Presumably while her DH plays happy families with his mother while the OP is run ragged.
I think I’d be bloody moaning!

This^^

9am is a compromise after all, 6am is ridiculous. That's life: we don't always get what we want and by that l mean her. She needs to understand it's not all about her

More hyperbole. Nobody has said it is "the crime of the century".

She's been asked to come at 9am rather than 6am. Perfectly normal arrival time.

Have you ever asked her to stay over?

You are only reasonable if you’ve said stay over and she’s refused.

The OP should ask her husband for permission to say "stop being ridiculous" to a ridiculous suggestion, when she knows if she asks him he will try to stop her from saying no.

This is really the heart of the problem. OP effectively gets outvoted on family matters if she goes along with this and isn't allowed to say no to ridiculous suggestions.

A marriage has two people in it, not three.

The OP is a big girl. She shouldn't have to get authorisation on everything relating to her MIL from her husband because otherwise she will forever be an unhappy doormat.

The OP explained this and says that the kids rock into their bedroom and they open their stockings there and she doesn’t fancy her MIL sitting on their bed! If that’s their tradition then that’s their tradition. End of.
OP also said that’s all she’d miss because she’d see them opening their main presents. And she’ll be there all day with @Countrybumpkin19doing the cooking and hosting!

Well OP can just be ‘take us as you find us’. Honestly no wonder so many families fall out.

The OP has said that they don't have room for her to stay. If I lived 10 minutes away from someone, I wouldn't be staying over, I need the comfort of my own bed!

What rubbish is this? I have to come at 6am because you wont let me stay over?
Grandparents arent owed 6am Christmas starts or else a bed for the night.

OMG, no one should be asking permission for anything. OP hasnt suggested that she has to get authorisation for everything. If thats the case then totally fair enough and a line needs to be drawn. There's not a chance in hell I'd be getting up at 6am to open stockings, but I'd really like to think DH and I could sort something that suits both of us to an extent. I just dont think its that hard.

I still don’t understand why people keep suggesting this as a solution.

What problem is actually being solved by MIL staying over?

The issue is that OP doesn’t want a 6am start to the day. Instead of opening stockings lazily in bed (as they’ve done in previous years), they’d have to get up, go downstairs, and then host breakfast.

An overnight stay doesn’t change that, so how does it address OP’s concern?