MIL wants to arrive 6AM Xmas day

[Countrybumpkin19]

My MIL lives on her own and close by.
The last couple of years she has arrived at our house at 6AM on Christmas day as she likes to see my DDs open their stockings. She has never asked me if that's ok (though presumably spoke to my husband about it). I find it far too much - I don't want to have to talk to any visitors at 6AM when I'm half asleep (least of all my MIL) and see it as an invasion of privacy. As far as I see it stocking opening is intimate family time and I feel she enroaches on this.
This year I sent her a really nice text message asking if it would be ok if she arrived at 9AM so that we have a little bit of time first thing to get ready and prepare for the day (I'm doing all the cooking/hosting). She is then welcome to spend the rest of the day with us. She is really upset by this message and my husband thinks I'm being unreasonable (it has opened up a big argument between us). AIBU?

"I would never want to exclude her from the rest of the Christmas celebrations, including opening the main presents." IMHO, there's absolutely nothing wrong with her being "excluded" from opening the main presents. She had her time with her children opening theirs, now it's your turn. I know that's not your plan but you still wouldn't be being unreasonable to insist she didn't arrive until 12pm or something, maybe with the presents she's bought so it's about her seeing the kids open them instead of all of them. Also, why the pressure to film your kids so you can send her a video if she's not there at the crack of dawn?? You should be allowed to enjoy a few hours on Christmas morning with your kids and DH without thinking of anyone else or being pressured to film it all.

Of course, it would be cruel to exclude her if she's always been a part of it but I don't understand this new wave of entitlement from grandparents who want to be a part of every little moment so parents and their children rarely get their own little family time and memories that's just them. I'm not saying to exclude her, before people jump on me making assumptions; I just find it crazy so many in-laws and grandparents expect to be included in so much more now and parents often have to just put up and shut up.

I adore my grandma but growing up, we had Christmas morning at home just my parents and sibling, then went to my grandparents' for dinner where my aunties, uncles and cousins would also be there. She never saw us open our presents, she only saw us open the presents she had got us. She never expected more, either. My partner's Christmas Day has always only ever been him, his parents and siblings (and now their other halves, depending on the year as most of us alternate); no other relatives, and it's the same now. He would see grandparents on Boxing Day. People do Christmas different and yours clearly isn't working for you. You're not unreasonable for wanting to change it up and have a bit of flexibility.

As others have said, arriving to someone's house at 6am is absolutely wild and unreasonable - Christmas or not. I'd want to wake up on my own time, have no pressure to entertain, and let the kids sort of rule the timings. Her showing up wanting breakfast and a cup of tea at 6am is too much.

Please stand your ground. 9am is still more than reasonable (I'd be pushing for 12pm personally haha). She's bang out of order to expect an entire family to get up at 6am bc that's what she wants and what works for her. Why are you expected to never have Christmas Day the way you'd like? You've done things her way and you don't like it. DH needs to back you up 100%. 9am is still early!!

Sorry for rambling, I'm rubbish at being concise.

Or she can propose a perfectly sensible compromise and say 9am to give her time to wake up, see the kids open their stockings and have a shower and feel ‘normal!
OP has already said that their tradition is for the kids to come into their bedroom and they open their stockings there. Would you really want your mother in law in your bedroom at 6am because I wouldn’t!

6am is ridiculously early so YANBU, but im
wondering why your husband is so ok with it as I really can't imagine why anyone would be. Is your
mother in the picture? Do you ever let her round at 6am? As I can understand his problem if so

I was replying to another post suggesting the OP had gone about things the wrong way and should have consulted her DH.

I wasn't saying she should ask permission. I was pointing out the previous poster was pretty much saying that and that the OP should be behaving in a more be kind way rather than just dealing with the stupid request herself like a fully grown adult.

And no wonder so many women are doormats when they don’t put their own boundaries in place and just go along with what other people want, even when they don’t want to.

I was replying directly to a person who called the MIL unreasonable, selfish, entitled, and ill mannered.

I said there's a compromise to be had - fine - but there's absolutely no need for the nastiness towards the MIL who just wants to see her grandkids opening their presents.

We have all the Grandparents staying over to be here Christmas morning to be up with the Grandkids first thing - are they all selfish and entitled too? Or course not! They want to be involved, the only difference is - we welcome it.

Take a breath before replying so you've figured out exactly what you're replying to and the overall point being made.

The OP describes her as hands on, a big help who means well.

I'm not arguing the compromise, I'm arguing the demonising of this woman.

Well I think it’s quite sad. Watching the kids open presents, including the stocking, is the best bit of Xmas for the older folk.

I’m glad that our family is more accommodating to the grandparents.

Boundaries, a euphemism for ‘I want my own way’

I come from a family where multi generational living was normal, everyone has to rub along. It’s sometimes compromise, it’s sometimes great.

Or people who turn up when they like at other people's houses and just expect the host to be OKay with that.

In your family, maybe. Not everyone is the same, or do you not understand that?
My grandparents never expected to be present for all of the present-opening and would not have thought for a second about turning up at 6am. Being accommodating works both ways and is not all about doing everything the way ‘older folk’ (how patronising!) might want it.

One could equally argue that it’s unreasonable, selfish, entitled and ill mannered to be upset about being asked to arrive at 9am rather than 6am on Christmas Day. 9am is still early.

And yes, you were replying to another poster but you introduced the idea of 364 day a year childcare, which doesn’t appear anywhere in the OP. I’m just asking where that came from, as it seems to have been made up to bolster the argument in MIL’s favour 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think arriving at 6am is a pitch to be invited to stay on Xmas Eve night…….in what live long day is arriving at that time appropriate.

Older folk are practically dead anyway. They have nothing else to live for but watching their grandkids open presents containing £1 tat from Ali express at 6am. How dare you deprive them of their one joy in life.

I tell you what, when DS is grown up and has kids, when I'm staying over on Christmas Day, I will STILL be not getting up before 9am!

🙄

This thread is batshit.

Turning up at 6am at someone’s house is ridiculous. Will she change the time as DC get older? DS was never an early riser but the older he got the later he surfaced.

If she lives 10 minutes away I am sure she shares many experiences with DC.

Are there other GPs who miss out on stockings experience.

Why do you do all the cooking/hosting @Countrybumpkin19

Ask if her mother in law came over at 6am and how she’d have felt about it. Inform your husband that it’s your house and family too.

Oh your one with strong ‘boundaries’ I take it?

sounds to me like you have a dh problem or at very least a communication problem....he and you have never discussed when his mum can arrive. Why did you not discuss it the first time?

HOW is waking up a household at 6am on Christmas Day and expect to be served tea and looked after, HOW is that "helping out" exactly 😂

I know that some people have an extraordinary sense of self-importance, but pretending your presence is the greatest gift is a bit much 😂😂

I agree with you about it being 'intimate family time'. Having her there changes the dynamic totally and after all, she has done it all with her kids presumably so this is well into CF territory.

OP will be up anyway, the child appears to be doing the waking, not MIL

Anyway, it won’t be long before small child stays in bed and MIL will be dead. Sorted

I think she's out of bed if the kids are opening stockings, if they are doing it alone it might be nice for MIL to come and watch....

We are talking close family here, not some barely tolerated guest turning up hours early for Christmas dinner.

And you’re of the doormat variety I take it?!
I’d rather not be walked over thanks. I have respect for myself.

Yes. I wonder if she’d bother to get up at 6am if she were staying over.

op, invite her to stay the Christmas Eve night. Wake everyone up at 4am or 5am to open presents. new family tradition. Insist afterwards that she helps out with cooking etc.