Page 19 | MIL wants to arrive 6AM Xmas day

Countrybumpkin19 · 2025-12-23T18:53:54+00:00

My MIL lives on her own and close by. The last couple of years she has arrived at our house at 6AM on Christmas day as she likes to see my DDs open their stockings. She has never asked me if that's ok (though presumably spoke to my husband about it). I find it far too much - I don't want to have to talk to any visitors at 6AM when I'm half asleep (least of all my MIL) and see it as an invasion of privacy. As far as I see it stocking opening is intimate family time and I feel she enroaches on this. This year I sent her a really nice text message asking if it would be ok if she arrived at 9AM so that we have a little bit of time first thing to get ready and prepare for the day (I'm doing all the cooking/hosting). She is then welcome to spend the rest of the day with us. She is really upset by this message and my husband thinks I'm being unreasonable (it has opened up a big argument between us). AIBU?

mbonfield · 24/12/2025 07:31

You need to put your foot down or this may be a sign for more issues in the future.
It is completely inappropriate to arrive at any day of the week let alone Christmas Day!
Merry Christmas OP to you ad your family.

NewforChristmas · 24/12/2025 07:31

Countrybumpkin19 · 24/12/2025 07:18

My husband (as an only child) is extremely close to his mum and likes having her there. He genuinely doesn't understand why I have an issue with it.

You wrote an update detailing exactly why you have an issue, about wanting to stay in bed and not go downstairs in the cold first thing. Just explain that. Stockings are for opening in bed.
The issue you have is that this will be a change now as you've allowed it previously. I never would have entertained it in the first place so you've created an expectation now and to go back on it makes you look mean. But it is ridiculous.

SexyFrenchDepression · 24/12/2025 07:32

Rosygoldapple · 24/12/2025 07:24

Don’t most people see their parents/grandparents in the afternoon? It’s not like MIL lives hours away and is staying over. Morning is too early on Christmas Day and I wouldn’t want to be with MIL from the morning until the late evening!

Show quote history

No, not all, lots of people see family Christmas morning then go off wherever for lunch, esp if going to other set of parents etc for lunch. Eg my parents are with my brother for lunch (we all live within 10 mins of each other) so parents coming in the morning. Even if they weren't and we were all here together for lunch they'd be here early. Its surely whatever you prefer/are comfortable with as a family. My parents are my immediate family, as are siblings so to me its a non issue.

Morning is only too early if you dont want to see them early 🤷‍♀️

Serencwtch · 24/12/2025 07:39

Can the kids have another stocking to open at hers?

Worked with mine & she was walking distance & also helped spread out some of the excitement. They had to wait until 8am (they'd be up for Santa before 6) then DH would take them to MIL where Santa had left another stocking.

Santa would also leave a gift at grannies for boxing day too.

NoisyViewer · 24/12/2025 07:41

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 24/12/2025 00:17

I'm not understanding how a grandparent's presence takes anything away from the magic.

Show quote history

Mine did, she mocked Christmas Eve traditions, said I wasted money on a Santa plate to put the carrot for Rudolph & mince pie for Santa. She would purposefully talk louder when kids went to bed, something everyone noticed, people who where over often telling her she’s doing it. Then the comments when they opened presents about how much we must have spent. I’ve spent more some years than others but buying my kids school shoes from Clarkes will be cause to say I’m spoiling my kids & Asda do sufficient ones. She’s always has something to say, a new coat because they’ve outgrown the old one will be met with they only had one last year meaning you’re justifying buying your own child who’s grown in the last 12 months an essential clothing item.

RealReginaPhalange · 24/12/2025 07:42

Pereniallyannoyed · 23/12/2025 19:01

I’m going to presume the 7% of those who voted YABU are MIL’s.

No. I voted yabu and i have two little kids. I dont like my MiL but i would let her watch her grandkids opening the gifts, its a special moment. I would also stay in my pyjama and not make a big fuss at 6am, just offer her a drink and do whay you usually do.

bryceQ · 24/12/2025 07:42

Its up to your husband to sort this.

Pinkchristmastree6 · 24/12/2025 07:47

Mine will be having kids soon ,and no way would I do this .
11 am is Plenty early enough for her to arrive

ArcticGrass · 24/12/2025 07:47

I think it’s quite sweet really and have similar thoughts to @Spartak….it won’t last till they are teenagers.

FutureMandosWife · 24/12/2025 07:48

My mil comes at 7 am for presents, we like it she brings breakfast with her. We have suggested her staying over but she refuses. Then I take her home after we have had dinner about 3ish

Pinkchristmastree6 · 24/12/2025 07:50

My DD last partner was an only child ..he had bought a flat round the corner from his mum ,and every single Christmas, birthday ,new year , boxing day .even holidays ,she was involved and she came first .
Eventually DD got fed up ,realised it wouldn't work and left him ..

NearlyMonday · 24/12/2025 07:58

Countrybumpkin19 · 24/12/2025 07:18

My husband (as an only child) is extremely close to his mum and likes having her there. He genuinely doesn't understand why I have an issue with it.

I wonder how he’d feel OP, if YOUR mum wanted to pitch up at 6am and be in your bedroom?

SexyFrenchDepression · 24/12/2025 08:02

NoisyViewer · 24/12/2025 07:41

Mine did, she mocked Christmas Eve traditions, said I wasted money on a Santa plate to put the carrot for Rudolph & mince pie for Santa. She would purposefully talk louder when kids went to bed, something everyone noticed, people who where over often telling her she’s doing it. Then the comments when they opened presents about how much we must have spent. I’ve spent more some years than others but buying my kids school shoes from Clarkes will be cause to say I’m spoiling my kids & Asda do sufficient ones. She’s always has something to say, a new coat because they’ve outgrown the old one will be met with they only had one last year meaning you’re justifying buying your own child who’s grown in the last 12 months an essential clothing item.

Show quote history

This is horrible and no surprise she isnt welcome! If the OP had said that her MIL had done anything like this then its a no brainer. Unfortunately it appears she hasnt and basically the OP doesnt really feel comfortable aroubd her even if everyone else is happy. I am not saying that horribly, I get it. I was rarely around FIL, however I never excluded him from xmas or any celebrations but we compromised and he was happy to be involved, never demanded at all. Being an alcoholic he was unpredictable so it is very different also.

MIL was welcome any time of day and night. She looked after me the day after DS2 as DH and my family weren't around (long story) so she was like a 2nd mum to me.

Marylou2 · 24/12/2025 08:03

What the actual heck? That's a firm no. Set your boundaries and don't budge. 12 is the earliest. Perhaps she could make them a stocking from her next year to open later?

NoisyViewer · 24/12/2025 08:06

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 24/12/2025 01:13

There is an epidemic of family estrangement today; much has been written about it. It's become very fashionable to be "just our little family" at times like Christmas, and other times, despite the fact that the nuclear unit is how it is every day of the year. These family trends make me so glad I didn't bother with all the expense and sacrifice of having children. My generation is so, so selfish towards their elderly parents. There are echoes of it on this thread from some pp, but mostly I've seen it IRL over and over with my peers. I'd almost say it's normal now for people to not bother with their senior parents, which I think is a disgrace. There are lots of cold attitudes towards grandparents and other family members expressed on MN, too. ETA: And the thread yesterday about the distant DD cancelling her Xmas visit home last-minute had lots of people saying how their unmarried kids didn't even bother coming home for Christmas at all for about five years in a row. I think that's just awful.

If this is the way our culture is going, with parents frequently being locked out of their adult children's lives, or kept at arm's length from them and their grandchildren, then I'm glad I didn't bother. After all, I can't see the trend reversing, since today's children will be learning from today's parents and will be experiencing less time with extended family than previous generations. People are turning their backs on extended family, often for imagined slights and just from pure selfishness. I have seen some truly callous behaviour IRL towards the very people that nurtured and raised them and loved them deeply, including people who were not there for their parents when they were old and ill. There is a LOT of it about.

Some day, the parents of today will be old and quite possibly alone, and they wouldn't like to be excluded from their family's lives. I don't know how that doesn't occur to them as they go about doing the excluding today. Many people's spouses die in their fifties and sixties, and where will you be then, when your children are adults, if you never modelled the importance of extended family to your children? No one wants to be old, alone, and held at arm's length from their adult children and their grandchildren, but many people are doing that today and doing it to parents who loved them dearly.

(I know the OP is having her MIL round at 9 anyway, I'm talking about what I see IRL and the echoes of it that I read on here.)

Seems to me that there are a lot of people in the world who could do with reading A Christmas Carol.

Edited

In fairness the OP isn’t trying to cut the MIL out she’s after a compromise.

I do get your sentiment, I’ve noticed on the short time I’ve joined mumsnet that women in particular are hostile to their H family for no other reason than wanting to assert her family are more important. There is a high bar set for in-laws & even their SC to meet that is not only unfair but shows a cruel nature & it’s sad to see. However, I also see this on here that MIL are in direct competition with their DIL, there’s an expectation to follow MIL rules & traditions I have such that MIL. I don’t bite but having to explain I cook roasters differently to hers & then listen to her complain she doesn’t like the way I do them (despite being told my roasters are amazing by everyone else). She contradicts everything I say, she asks to help & I’ll accept & give her a task & she will say I want to do what you’re doing though & then comment I wouldn’t need to follow a recipe. I indulge her & say how crap I am because I do. When hosting at parties she has tried to shoo me out my own kitchen saying I’ll do this. I’m not making this up. Her own family notice it. SIL, BIL, aunts, cousins & even my H notice how she tries to dominate me (their words). I’m lucky because they all call it out. My H being very quick & sometimes jumps the gun b/c he’s said it, my mom needs to realise you’re my wife & respect that after I’ve defended her on those occasions. What his mom doesn’t realise is she’s not liked by her kids. They love her but she was neglectful when they where growing up & often left them with babysitters so she could go out. Often not getting up in time to take them to school as well as growing up with constant put downs. I’m the reason she’s invited to Christmas Day. H would happily it be just us 4. I’m the reason his family meet as I’m the only one organising family get togethers. I suppose I’ve found myself in a role she wished she had. But the passive aggressive remarks is just her way, I’m not the only victim to them but I get it worse than anyone else

fashionqueen0123 · 24/12/2025 08:09

Countrybumpkin19 · 24/12/2025 07:18

My husband (as an only child) is extremely close to his mum and likes having her there. He genuinely doesn't understand why I have an issue with it.

Show him this post.
99% of people think you’re insane for even contemplating having her over at that time!

Kerry242 · 24/12/2025 08:11

Meadowfinch · 24/12/2025 07:01

And the more reasonable view is that the MIL is selfish and entitled to think she has the right to disrupt her DILs sleep, arrive before DIL has even got out of bed, had a chance to shower, dress or have a drink. Before it is even light.

It is the height of ignorance and ill manners, and beyond comprehension.

Show quote history

She's be the first person the OP would call though if she needed childcare help at 6am though.....

It's not at all reasonable to depict a woman as selfish and entitled because she wants to be around to see her immediate family (her son is her immediate family) and her Grandchildren on Christmas day - when the other 364 days of the year she's a hands on Grandma and has a strong relationship with her son - who does not have an issue with this. Is he selfish and entitled and ill mannered too?

Logistically it might not work for OP, fine, - but that does not make Grandma selfish, ill mannered, and entitled. It makes her a loving Grandma prepared to get up at 5am because she adores her Grandkids.

Curious if it was the OP's parents that she was close to and her husband was kicking off about it - would everyone be so aligned? If OP was writing- my Mum wants to come Christmas at 6am, we're really close and she's always so good to us as a family but DH is kicking off about it and calls her selfish and entitled - would you be quite so vile in your reply?

I'm not saying there isn't a compromise to be had - but the hatred towards Granny who is otherwise a great help/means well (OP's words) on this thread is mindblowing.

Theroadt · 24/12/2025 08:14

SexyFrenchDepression · 24/12/2025 07:28

And I would probably feel the same if my DH had said my parents couldnt come round early too. Its a shame you are not on the same page as each other (eother way) or willing to compromise, eg slightly later and stockings downstairs but youre entitled to do as you wish in your own home.

Being an only child is irrelevant really, in RL I honestly know more people who treat their parents and in laws as proper close family than how the majority on this thread do. Its not an attitude I recognise. You have been nowhere near as vile towards your MIL as most posters. The intimate family comment was odd IMO as its your DHs mum but if you're not close to her you dont feel that way, and feel strongly enough to not make allowances. Only you can decide if you are happy with the decision you have made, and that its worth any future fall out.

Show quote history

Honestly the “compromise” is 9am. 6am is way too early and I think your response is guilting the OP. She is not being remotely unreasonable, and is still welcoming her MIL into her house.

Notonthestairs · 24/12/2025 08:15

Asking her to come at 9am not 6am is not displaying ‘hatred’ to the grandmother.

what a lot of hyperbole.

TheBlueHedgehog · 24/12/2025 08:15

Kerry242 · 24/12/2025 08:11

She's be the first person the OP would call though if she needed childcare help at 6am though.....

It's not at all reasonable to depict a woman as selfish and entitled because she wants to be around to see her immediate family (her son is her immediate family) and her Grandchildren on Christmas day - when the other 364 days of the year she's a hands on Grandma and has a strong relationship with her son - who does not have an issue with this. Is he selfish and entitled and ill mannered too?

Logistically it might not work for OP, fine, - but that does not make Grandma selfish, ill mannered, and entitled. It makes her a loving Grandma prepared to get up at 5am because she adores her Grandkids.

Curious if it was the OP's parents that she was close to and her husband was kicking off about it - would everyone be so aligned? If OP was writing- my Mum wants to come Christmas at 6am, we're really close and she's always so good to us as a family but DH is kicking off about it and calls her selfish and entitled - would you be quite so vile in your reply?

I'm not saying there isn't a compromise to be had - but the hatred towards Granny who is otherwise a great help/means well (OP's words) on this thread is mindblowing.

Show quote history

She's be the first person the OP would call though if she needed childcare help at 6am though.....

The other 364 days of the year she's a hands on Grandma

Have you just made this up? I can't see it in the OP?

The compromise is MIL arriving at 9am (not 6am) which is exactly what OP is suggesting.

TheWonderhorse · 24/12/2025 08:18

Threads like this make me feel so blessed, honestly! My PIL have arrived earlier than that before now, and they're very welcome. We're a proper working class nuts Christmas, with big families on both sides and the day is crazy. By lunchtime you won't be able to see my living room floor.

We're close, and we love each other and I'm incredibly grateful that there are people willing to put up with the chaos, and the sight of early morning me in my Christmas pyjamas, to be with us.

PILs live in a France now but when they come for Christmas we don't really have rules. Let good people love your kids as much as they can.

MissDoubleU · 24/12/2025 08:21

SexyFrenchDepression · 24/12/2025 07:28

And I would probably feel the same if my DH had said my parents couldnt come round early too. Its a shame you are not on the same page as each other (eother way) or willing to compromise, eg slightly later and stockings downstairs but youre entitled to do as you wish in your own home.

Being an only child is irrelevant really, in RL I honestly know more people who treat their parents and in laws as proper close family than how the majority on this thread do. Its not an attitude I recognise. You have been nowhere near as vile towards your MIL as most posters. The intimate family comment was odd IMO as its your DHs mum but if you're not close to her you dont feel that way, and feel strongly enough to not make allowances. Only you can decide if you are happy with the decision you have made, and that its worth any future fall out.

Show quote history

It sounds like OP has put up with years of MIL spending every waking second of Christmas with them. It’s a shame her DH can’t respect her and value her enough to give her a few of hours of family time in their own unit on Christmas Day. She has done things exactly how he (and MIL) have dictated long enough and all she is asking now is for enough time to wake up and clear the sleep from her eyes before MIL arrives and she has to play host. How is that not valuing the Mil?

BettysRoasties · 24/12/2025 08:21

The king himself could knock my door as 6am and wouldn’t be let in let alone mil.

If you’re knocking my door at 6am someone needs to be dead or my house is on fire. It’s a totally unreasonable time.

Even 9am would be pushing it on a weekend/bank holiday.

It is demanding and overstepping to expect to just rock up at 6am to someone’s house it’s rude.

TheBlueHedgehog · 24/12/2025 08:21

NoisyViewer · 24/12/2025 08:06

In fairness the OP isn’t trying to cut the MIL out she’s after a compromise.

I do get your sentiment, I’ve noticed on the short time I’ve joined mumsnet that women in particular are hostile to their H family for no other reason than wanting to assert her family are more important. There is a high bar set for in-laws & even their SC to meet that is not only unfair but shows a cruel nature & it’s sad to see. However, I also see this on here that MIL are in direct competition with their DIL, there’s an expectation to follow MIL rules & traditions I have such that MIL. I don’t bite but having to explain I cook roasters differently to hers & then listen to her complain she doesn’t like the way I do them (despite being told my roasters are amazing by everyone else). She contradicts everything I say, she asks to help & I’ll accept & give her a task & she will say I want to do what you’re doing though & then comment I wouldn’t need to follow a recipe. I indulge her & say how crap I am because I do. When hosting at parties she has tried to shoo me out my own kitchen saying I’ll do this. I’m not making this up. Her own family notice it. SIL, BIL, aunts, cousins & even my H notice how she tries to dominate me (their words). I’m lucky because they all call it out. My H being very quick & sometimes jumps the gun b/c he’s said it, my mom needs to realise you’re my wife & respect that after I’ve defended her on those occasions. What his mom doesn’t realise is she’s not liked by her kids. They love her but she was neglectful when they where growing up & often left them with babysitters so she could go out. Often not getting up in time to take them to school as well as growing up with constant put downs. I’m the reason she’s invited to Christmas Day. H would happily it be just us 4. I’m the reason his family meet as I’m the only one organising family get togethers. I suppose I’ve found myself in a role she wished she had. But the passive aggressive remarks is just her way, I’m not the only victim to them but I get it worse than anyone else

Show quote history

I see it from both sides on Mumsnet (thankfully I have good relations with my MIL and I'm not a MIL yet so no skin in the game).

DILs who resent their MILs and MILs who resent their DILs. Either in general or for something specific.

Childcare seems to be a real sticking point for MIL on here (and grandparents it seems). They seem to demand and resent it in equal measure. You can see it on this thread. OP can't possibly resent MIL arriving at 6am on Christmas day because one day she might need childcare at 6am. The mental gymnastics.

SexyFrenchDepression · 24/12/2025 08:23

Theroadt · 24/12/2025 08:14

Honestly the “compromise” is 9am. 6am is way too early and I think your response is guilting the OP. She is not being remotely unreasonable, and is still welcoming her MIL into her house.

Show quote history

I'm not guilting anyone, she posted so she must have some doubts of whether she is right about it. I am not saying 9am is a bad compromise and have been clear that I think MILs behaviour is unreasonable with her demands but essentially DH wants her there and involved in stocking opening so maybe a better compromise would be 730/8 and they open stockings then, or if DH was completely happy then 9am is totally fine.

You can think she is not 'remotely' unreasonable but others may have different views, you arent correct, nor am I.