MIL wants to arrive 6AM Xmas day

[Countrybumpkin19]

My MIL lives on her own and close by.
The last couple of years she has arrived at our house at 6AM on Christmas day as she likes to see my DDs open their stockings. She has never asked me if that's ok (though presumably spoke to my husband about it). I find it far too much - I don't want to have to talk to any visitors at 6AM when I'm half asleep (least of all my MIL) and see it as an invasion of privacy. As far as I see it stocking opening is intimate family time and I feel she enroaches on this.
This year I sent her a really nice text message asking if it would be ok if she arrived at 9AM so that we have a little bit of time first thing to get ready and prepare for the day (I'm doing all the cooking/hosting). She is then welcome to spend the rest of the day with us. She is really upset by this message and my husband thinks I'm being unreasonable (it has opened up a big argument between us). AIBU?

6am???? 6am???? Can't believe anyone thinks this reasonable! She'll meet Santa on the way out

Maybe they haven’t got space? Not everyone has a spare bedroom.
She presumably lives locally anyway if she’s keen to rock up 2 hours before it’s even light.

I had the same problem, but it was my own mother, not my mother in law. She’s passed away now and the children are all grown up, but I remember the fraught tension of those Christmas Days.

For me, I solved the problem by making Christmas Eve my main focus. This became our true family time. We didn’t open presents, but we had all the Christmas foods, some games, drinks and a really relaxed night. I still treasure those memories.

This meant, on Christmas Day, I let my mum almost do whatever the hell she wanted to. I took a bit of a ‘let her’ attitude and just sort of resigned myself to it being what it was. Put on a decent nightie and still opened presents with the kids in our jammies and had a relaxed breakfast. Then got dressed and put on makeup. There may have even been the odd time I went back to bed for a little while and let her play with the kids and the toys.

We did still have a lovely Christmas lunch, but some was reheated from the night before.

If you really get to the point that you can’t get her to turn up later, put DH in charge of breakfast and go with relaxed. Surrender to it and force her to take you as you are.

In defence of her and my mum, seeing the kids open presents is pretty special. You could always let them open something from you on Christmas Eve. Find a solution that works for you.

She'd have a rough time at our house! Kids open their stockings in their bedrooms whenever they wake up, then eventually drift into each other's rooms to compare notes (and trade). We don't even see them until that's done. Then it's washed, dressed, and breakfast and THEN the big communal present opening. They'll very happily show grandparents or whoever else what they got in their stockings if asked - that should be magical enough!!

She's either assumed it's fine to come as early as she wants, or your husband has invited her to come early without discussing it with you. It probably feels weird for you to be pushing back now because it's been a few years and they've thought it was "decided" but you're not unreasonable to do so; it's your house and your family too.

No way I would let anyone in at 6 am. Even 9am is a generous suggestion imo. So YANBU in the slightest.
It was wrong not to discuss it with your DH first.
However if he insists on 6am for MIL’s visit - offer him to go to hers by 6am. I bet he wouldn’t.

Well, going against the flow but I think it's lovely that she's so engaged with her grandchildren. They're lucky to have such a grandmother!

What's the problem if you're already up? Presumably you can just stay in your PJs and do your own thing and don't need to entertain her?

I couldn't imagine getting upset about my MIL doing something like that, in fact I'd have loved it! I'd have given her a key so we didn't have to wake up and let her entertain the children while I slept in or got on with things.

It's not what I see in real life. I'm 52 and it was very much 'my little family' in my household as a child. Myself and my children are more inclusive than that.

I hope you really wouldn’t talk to a family member that way.

Agree, that's really horrible.
And if my MIL were lonely and I could help reduce that loneliness by including her in our family's celebrations, why wouldn't I? She's family - my children's grandmother!

My ex in-laws wanted to come round at 7.00am to watch ds open his presents when I was married, I told them to not come around before 10.00am. Mil was on the phone to exh weeping & wailing calling me all the names under the sun. My parents would never have expected to come around at that time so I wasn't starting it with his, it would be a hard no from me, I would introduce a new rule that no visitors are allowed until you have had time to open presents, have breakfast & have time to sort prep for Christmas Dinner (have a large drink to get you through the day)

This

Under no circumstances should she be allowed to allowed to enter the house.
If she shows up call the police. It’s your special day, and you deserve fun and privacy with your little family unit.

MN is like this all the time re families. It certainly doesn't reflect my RL experiences and that of my friends/family. I woukd hate it if anyone close to me felt like a guest in my house.

That’s not very nice, so only your side of the family matters! Personally, l do agree with op, 6am is too early, as it’s going to be a long busy day.But totally disagree with, in-laws are not family! They’re your children’s grandparents! Merry Christmas 😪

Yes exactly.Family must surely pick up on, they’re being treated as guests, not family.

As @BeforeSigourneyWeaverTheyWoveTheirOwnSigourneys said, she could watch a video if she wants to see them open their stockings.

To me the children seeing the full stockings and presents under the tree is the loveliest part of Christmas for the parents and I wouldn’t want to share it with a guest unless they’d stayed the night before. And I wouldn’t want that either.

I bet she didn’t have spectators when her children were that age. Ask her. Ask. DH. I think you will find this isn’t about you being unreasonable it’s about his mother getting whatever she wants whenever she wants it.

You have been more than reasonable. Presumably you filled the stockings, not her? 6am is an ungodly hour for any visitor to arrive especially if you’re hosting Xmas day.

Why did she start coming round? Just the last two years? Why did it start?

You say she helps you out a lot, so to shut her out does feel mean. Yes its fanily time but she is family. . However 6am is early! If my mil had done thus she would gave been very bored, because none of my dc have ever been early risers. And the stockings were just a few bits, orange, book, etc. Can you say they won't be up?

You shouldn't have sent the text without discussing with your dh, and getting him to sort it out. And why text? It's a chat in person thing. It would be a bolt from the blue for her. And do your dc like having granny there?
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Is a guest not anyone who doesn't regularly live at the home?

So you think rocking up at 6am on Xmas Day is acceptable?

And FYI - telling someone to fuck off, family or not, also depends on who you're saying it to and on context.

And in this one for the OP, its entirely justified.

You obvs, don’t understand that grandparents are family, not to be treated just as guests, because they are part of the family🤷‍♀️

There is a difference between treating people like guests and being a guest. If I go to my parents home, I am both family and a guest. If I go to my daughter's home, I am both family and a guest. I don't live there. I can make myself at home there but fall in line with their routines and things. Grandparents are family but that doesn't mean they get to take over my home.

MIL doesn't need to wait until 2.00 pm to see her family. She is invited to arrive at 9.00 am. That is a pretty early time to arrive anyway. Surely, she'll need to set an alarm to get up, get ready and arrive at OP's by 6.00 am. She'll hardly be lonely on Christmas Day if she just gets up at her normal time and arrives at 9.00 am. She will spend the whole of the day with them and can watch her grandchildren open all their main presents.

She sounds annoying, self-centred and over-dramatic. OP's DH is being ridiculous too. It sounds as though he has always pandered to his mum because she is on her own.

As OP has said that he has agreed this early arrival time with his mum without consulting OP first or considering her feelings, he is really in no position to complain.

The poeple wanging on about how lonely MIL will be if she can't arrive until 9.00 am are being ridiculous. Unless she normally gets up in the middle of the night, if she just gets up at a normal time, by the time she has got ready, it will be time to leave for a 9.00 am arrival.

I always think the the horribly guilt trippy 'you'll be sorry when she's dead' posts should be as much against Mumsnewt posting guildelines as personal attacks and hate speech. Everyone dies at some point. It does't make bad behaviour acceptable.