I don't know if I should thank her or buy her a gift

[WaitingfortheThingtoHappen]

My brother-in-law (my sister's husband) has recently (in the last nine months) stopped all contact with his narcissistic mother (Mary).

She is deeply resentful of my sister for taking her only child and has tried to ruin their relationship with lies, passive-agressive behaviour and pathetic competitive game-playing. My brother-in-law has finally decided he's had enough of her and the way she treats my sister and wants no further contact with her.

Mary won't accept that her son has made this decision and is constantly trying to re-establish contact. She recently found out my sister is pregnant, despite my sister and brother-in-law deliberately not telling her and is reinforcing her efforts to make her son speak to her.

She is apparently going round their family and friends trying to get sympathy and blaming my sister for the estrangement.

The only time I have met Mary in person was at my sister's wedding two years ago. I found her quite an overwhelming person who tries to make everything about herself. However, I enjoyed her company on the day and we got on reasonably well without me feeling we would ever be good friends.

Until now, the only other contact I have had with Mary was an exchange of Christmas cards last year.

Two days ago I received a delivery of a large, expensive hamper from a local farmshop and a message to "My dear friend WaitingforthethingtoHappen, wishing you a wonderful and happy Christmas" and "looking forward to seeing you in the New Year. Love and best wishes from Mary".

I have spoken to my sister who would prefer that I have no contact with Mary at all. She and her husband believe (and I agree) that Mary's gift to me is an attempt to establish contact with me and through me, them. They think I shouldn't acknowledge the gift in any way, that I shouldn't thank Mary for it, nor should I return it.

They have suggested I send it to the food bank if I'm uncomfortable keeping it.

While I understand and respect their reasons, I would feel uncomfortable for not thanking Mary for the gift and a part of me feels I should send a small gift in return.

Am I being unreasonable?

You are being unreasonable - the gift is a form of toxic manipulation, not a kind gesture. You should support your sister and brother-in-law's decision and not acknowledge receipt of the gift in any way.

You are not being unreasonable - it would be rude not to acknowledge such a generous gift and should at least thank Mary for it and consider sending a gift in return.

She is manipulating you.

I would not feel I needed to thank someone for sending me a gift that was only sent to hurt someone else and sow division.

Don't respond or get involved, she's just trying to make you one of her flying monkeys

Sounds like she’s ‘hoovering’ ie getting all peripheral family onside in order to persuade BIL to talk to her again. A polite note to say thank you will suffice. Do not reciprocate - grey rock.

An unwanted unsolicited gift like this sent in an attempt to gain contact indirectly through you to your sister deserves no acknowledgement or thanks .

She is manipulating you and using you to establish a connection with them through you. The same way my friend’s MIL decided to add me as a FB friend only AFTER they went NC with her.

You're quite easy to manipulate aren't you? All it takes is a hamper.

The man has cut contact with this woman even when he's having a child, I'm sure what you're aware of is the tip of the iceberg of the reasons for this. People, and in my experience especially men, don't just cut contact with their mothers for funsies.

Of course you ignore it.

send her your usual card with a note of thanks, dont get drawn in, she knows what she is doing.

Send a very brief thank you note. Either keep it or donate it is up to you. I would keep the note civil nut not engage any further.

You are being manipulated into being a flying monkey.

I would never forgive you if you were my sister and you contacted my MIL given the circumstances.

It's not going to stop there is it? She's looking forward to seeing you in the new year.
I'd send a simple thank you, and then when the almost inevitable follow up invitation comes - shall we meet up for coffee? - at that point I'd say Mary I need to support my sister so given the circumstances I don't feel comfortable meeting up with you. Best wishes, @WaitingfortheThingtoHappen .

I'd send the Christmas card thanking her for the hamper which you have immediately donated to the local food bank, Merry Christmas Mary! Job done 👍🏼

Sorry, had I voted correctly the number of You are NOT being unreasonable would be fewer.

Classic narcissist behaviour, don’t fall in to the trap! From a personal experience, my Mother (who I am estranged from) would do similar to my siblings and I and claim victimhood to anyone who’d listen, creating unnecessary drama with other family members and friends. You’ll get sucked in, if you communicate with her.

I'm NC with my mother. She insists on sending my DH a birthday gift, to which he feels obliged to reciprocate and then send message thanking. She also uses my father as a flying monkey, to send a gift for me plus cards.

I absolutely hate that my DH doesn't have my back on this. He's from a culture where mothers are worshipped, so he finds it hard not to respond.

Have your sister's back here. Otherwise you're disrespecting both her and her DH. Refuse to be the flying monkey.

Ignore, and send the long life products to a food bank.

She’s manipulating you. Don’t respond unless you wish your sister & BIL to cut contact with you too.

I would say thank you via a card as it feels less personal than a message and doesn’t involve continuing a conversation. I don’t see the point in getting rid of the hamper- it’s been sent to you so you may as well enjoy it!

Whats most important to you? Your relationship with your sister, or what the MIL thinks of you?
if you were my sister I would never forgive even just sending a christmas card of thanks back. Its obvs why the MIL has sent it. Your sister has made her feelings clear. It shouldn’t even be a question. I’m shocked you are even considering responding in any way. Do not send a card. Do not respond at all.

It's manipulation. Been there. You need to support your sister not a random person you happen to have met once

You know why she did it. Don’t acknowledge it and take it to a food bank. Don’t start interacting with her games else she will carry on. It’ll piss her off more getting no reaction. My MIL is exactly the same.

Come on ,are you really this easy to manipulate.

If your dsis doesn’t want you to contact her then don’t acknowledge the gift.

Later if the rift heals you can acknowledge

I repeat feel you as it's a natural reaction to want to thank someone for gift ,if you are confident you BIL and sis are being accurate about his mother then I do think you have to abide by your BIL and sis wishes and I'd ignore .

Do not engage with that woman
send it to the Foodbank
she is trying to manipulate you. Do not fall for it. Do not go off script. Support your own family.

your poor sis and BiL
how horrendous.

Have your sisters back and don't get sucked in.

You know as much as you need to know and enough so you can understand this is pure manipulation.

You will be betraying your sister if you respond or reciprocate in any slightest way.