I don't know if I should thank her or buy her a gift

[WaitingfortheThingtoHappen]

My brother-in-law (my sister's husband) has recently (in the last nine months) stopped all contact with his narcissistic mother (Mary).

She is deeply resentful of my sister for taking her only child and has tried to ruin their relationship with lies, passive-agressive behaviour and pathetic competitive game-playing. My brother-in-law has finally decided he's had enough of her and the way she treats my sister and wants no further contact with her.

Mary won't accept that her son has made this decision and is constantly trying to re-establish contact. She recently found out my sister is pregnant, despite my sister and brother-in-law deliberately not telling her and is reinforcing her efforts to make her son speak to her.

She is apparently going round their family and friends trying to get sympathy and blaming my sister for the estrangement.

The only time I have met Mary in person was at my sister's wedding two years ago. I found her quite an overwhelming person who tries to make everything about herself. However, I enjoyed her company on the day and we got on reasonably well without me feeling we would ever be good friends.

Until now, the only other contact I have had with Mary was an exchange of Christmas cards last year.

Two days ago I received a delivery of a large, expensive hamper from a local farmshop and a message to "My dear friend WaitingforthethingtoHappen, wishing you a wonderful and happy Christmas" and "looking forward to seeing you in the New Year. Love and best wishes from Mary".

I have spoken to my sister who would prefer that I have no contact with Mary at all. She and her husband believe (and I agree) that Mary's gift to me is an attempt to establish contact with me and through me, them. They think I shouldn't acknowledge the gift in any way, that I shouldn't thank Mary for it, nor should I return it.

They have suggested I send it to the food bank if I'm uncomfortable keeping it.

While I understand and respect their reasons, I would feel uncomfortable for not thanking Mary for the gift and a part of me feels I should send a small gift in return.

Am I being unreasonable?

You are being unreasonable - the gift is a form of toxic manipulation, not a kind gesture. You should support your sister and brother-in-law's decision and not acknowledge receipt of the gift in any way.

You are not being unreasonable - it would be rude not to acknowledge such a generous gift and should at least thank Mary for it and consider sending a gift in return.

Look up the term flying monkey. That'll be you if you get involved

I would not acknowledge this.

It is not 'a gift' but it's 'a weapon' offered in order to try to gain access to / info on members of your family by someone who is not welcome in their lives.

Don't open this door and allow this person to get their foot in unless you wish for your relationship with your sister to suffer.

Whatever reasons your sister's given for the NC ...this will just be the tip, please support your sister & BIL.

100% this! ⬆️

Manipulation.

My father is like this and I have finally stopped all contact.

This is what he would do to a relative of mine.

Appalling behaviour and making out that they have been wronged.

They do it to gain information too.

She is his Mum!

Indeed she is. His abusive, narcissistic Mum.

If she is hurt, she deserves to be. She is reaping the rewards of her toxic behaviour towards her son and daughter-in-law.

We are no contact with FIL and if my sibling accepted a gift from him and responded to him in any way I probably wouldn’t immediately cut them off but I would consider it a betrayal and would be very very wary of them passing on information about our lives to him, so it would seriously impact the relationship.

If it helps, she hasn't sent you a gift because she likes you. She has sent it because she thinks you are easy to manipulate. She is relying on the social convention that you will reciprocate or thank her, because this will open the door to communication. She won't care if that's uncomfortable or difficult for you.

Your sister and BIL know this, which is why they have asked you not to respond. It's not easy being no contact with family members who are willing to act like this, and you need to support them. If you open the lines of communication here all you are doing is enabling an abuser.

The woman is a witch to do that. Do not get involved and do not respond to the gift.

Why are you being taken in by her when you know exactly what she's like, unless this is a reverse? I'd be thinking you were unreasonable because all the things you mentioned were likely if the son has gone NC with his mother, even if you or we weren't certain. Given that you've outlined it so clearly, I'm astounded you could think thanking or reciprocating to be appropriate.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I agree with most of you.

I have decided not to respond at all, not even to acknowledge receipt. I wasn't going to send a Christmas card anyway.

Any action (including sending it back) is a response so, apart from enjoying the hamper (she will never know), I will not respond at all.

I think that’s the right choice.

And yet you are considering responding to her.

If I was your sister and you contacted her by sending a card or, even worse, a gift, I would be reducing or cutting contact with you. If I did decide to allow you contact with my child, you most definitely wouldn't be getting any photos of my child or having an opportunity to take any photos as I wouldn't trust you not to send photos to mil.

So basically you need to decide whether you care about your relationship with your sister. If you do, then you will comply with her request to ignore. The only circumstances in which contact would be acceptable would be to return the hamper to her with no card or other communication.

Edited to say: your response went up while I was typing. Glad you made the right decision.

You know it's manipulative so that's half the battle. And you've told your in-laws so Mary has nothing on you. It is a really weird thing for her to do. You could just call her out. 'Thank you for the gift, but I am very perplexed by it, since our only relationship is through my sister and her husband and I believe you and they are not on best of terms, obviously under the circumstances I will not be meeting up with you in the New Year as you implied.'

I was never considering anything more than a "thank you" and even that would have stuck in the craw.

Now I have had permission from the good folk of Mumsnet to ignore the old bitch, that's exactly what I will do.

Obviously, returning the hamper would be a response, so I will just have to eat it. It will make no difference to her, because she will never find out.

I don’t think k you have any obligation to thank her because she hasn’t sent you the gift out of fine motivations or friendship; she’s sent it to manipulate you and your family. That’s not really something you thank a person for.

Honestly, this is the best course of action.

You’re doing the right thing.

Yes it’s a hamper, probably with nice wrapping and with unexpected things inside for you to enjoy, out of the blue at Christmas. But that doesn’t mean it’s a gift. It’s a weapon masquerading as a “present”. You wouldn’t send a thank you note to someone who’s sent you £1000 in new notes in an envelope would you? This is no more sophisticated or complicated. It’s a bribe, and inducement. She hasn’t for a second thought about pleasing you or bringing you joy. She’s only thought about herself and how she might advance her own cause through you.

Personally, I feel that a polite thankyou to acknowledge receipt but also saying that you would prefer that it wasn't repeated.

After that do not respond in any shape or form.

I would send a note saying
Thanks so much for the hamper, the local foodbank were so appreciative of it.

Be prepared for follow up from her if you don't respond, and it may not be pleasant. Narcissistic rage can be horrible.

I once said no to a woman I knew slightly - she was the mother of a girl at my daughter's school. She was divorced and the girl lived with her dad here during the week but went to hers at the weekend. She lived about 40 miles away. I knew the step mum too, who was forever telling me stories about her, but I had always found her ok.

But then she invited my daughter to a play date at hers and when I politely declined due to the distance , she unleashed such a torrent of abuse at me, it makes me shiver to recall it.

Just be careful.

So what is the answer? MIL accepts that she will never see her son again? She must be desperate to be sending such random gifts. Surely there is a less spiteful solution.

This. A distantly worded thank you. No gift giving back! If she tries to follow up you can tell her that you feel uncomfortable receiving gifts and that you feel it's due to things being tense with her son. And make clear that you will not help her in any way.

Send her a card thanking her for the gift and asking her not to repeat it because it makes things tricky with your family.

Honestly, I would take the hamper to a local women’s refuge or foodbank.

Wow. Here’s an idea for a less spiteful solution: she addresses the issues that have led to her son thinking that he’s better off without her in his life. And another one (it’s Christmas, I’m feeling generous) she stops trying to enlist third parties in resolving her problems in a bilateral relationship, putting them in an awkward situation which has nothing to do with them. And finally - the star at the top of the tree - she takes responsibility for her actions. Are those less spiteful?