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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't know if I should thank her or buy her a gift

117 replies

WaitingfortheThingtoHappen · 22/12/2025 11:17

My brother-in-law (my sister's husband) has recently (in the last nine months) stopped all contact with his narcissistic mother (Mary).

She is deeply resentful of my sister for taking her only child and has tried to ruin their relationship with lies, passive-agressive behaviour and pathetic competitive game-playing. My brother-in-law has finally decided he's had enough of her and the way she treats my sister and wants no further contact with her.

Mary won't accept that her son has made this decision and is constantly trying to re-establish contact. She recently found out my sister is pregnant, despite my sister and brother-in-law deliberately not telling her and is reinforcing her efforts to make her son speak to her.

She is apparently going round their family and friends trying to get sympathy and blaming my sister for the estrangement.

The only time I have met Mary in person was at my sister's wedding two years ago. I found her quite an overwhelming person who tries to make everything about herself. However, I enjoyed her company on the day and we got on reasonably well without me feeling we would ever be good friends.

Until now, the only other contact I have had with Mary was an exchange of Christmas cards last year.

Two days ago I received a delivery of a large, expensive hamper from a local farmshop and a message to "My dear friend WaitingforthethingtoHappen, wishing you a wonderful and happy Christmas" and "looking forward to seeing you in the New Year. Love and best wishes from Mary".

I have spoken to my sister who would prefer that I have no contact with Mary at all. She and her husband believe (and I agree) that Mary's gift to me is an attempt to establish contact with me and through me, them. They think I shouldn't acknowledge the gift in any way, that I shouldn't thank Mary for it, nor should I return it.

They have suggested I send it to the food bank if I'm uncomfortable keeping it.

While I understand and respect their reasons, I would feel uncomfortable for not thanking Mary for the gift and a part of me feels I should send a small gift in return.

Am I being unreasonable?

You are being unreasonable - the gift is a form of toxic manipulation, not a kind gesture. You should support your sister and brother-in-law's decision and not acknowledge receipt of the gift in any way.

You are not being unreasonable - it would be rude not to acknowledge such a generous gift and should at least thank Mary for it and consider sending a gift in return.

OP posts:

SandAndSea · 22/12/2025 23:42

Be prepared for her to contact you to see if you've received it.

wouldnotswapwithyou · 22/12/2025 23:52

I voted YANBU because should bridges be mended one day - as a new baby is due it’s a possibility - you’ll always be the bad guy for not ever thanking Mary for the generous gift.

That said, I’m strong on loyalty and you should also stand firmly with your DS and BIL too.

So, a posted thank-you card. I’d use MoonPig, so no effort shown but job done and definitely no present should be sent.

NewYearSameMe16 · 23/12/2025 04:09

Ignoring it leaves the door open to further contact; a call/note to check it arrived, other gifts, etc. I’d return it with a note making my position clear: ‘Thanks Mary but due to the situation with DSis and BIL, I don’t feel comfortable accepting this gift. Merry Christmas.’

nicepotoftea · 23/12/2025 08:57

PlumTiger · 22/12/2025 12:39

She is probably very hurt. There are always two sides. She is his Mum!

There might well be two sides - it's impossible for any of us to know all the ins and outs of the situation.

But that is for the son and mother to work out.

Trying to involve the OP in this way is a toxic move in itself and just draws her into a 'he said/she said' that is not her responsibility.

Laurmolonlabe · 23/12/2025 08:59

Take it round to your local community centre- send Mary a note saying that is what you have done and why.

Bikergran · 23/12/2025 09:26

Absolutely do NOT acknowledge the hamper. If she contacts you subsequently, again, do not reply. If she has your number or is in contact on social media, block her. And warn all family members to do the same. Do not give her an ounce of excuse to get anywhere near your family. It was her decision to guilt-trip you with a hamper, precisely so that you would feel obliged to let her into the family circle. Personally I'd use it to give a nice meal for your DSis and BIL.

Gossipisgood · 23/12/2025 09:55

I'd just send a brief note saying thanks for the lovely gift & not mention anything else. You can support your Sister without being disrespectful to Mary. If she gets in touch to meet up in the NY just politely decline & keep declining any further invites.

nicepotoftea · 23/12/2025 10:13

Gossipisgood · 23/12/2025 09:55

I don't think a 'present' like this requires respect.

She hasn't sent a present. She has attempted to send an obligation.

Cammyy · 23/12/2025 10:17

I know your instincts are telling you to be polite, but you need to see this for what it is: manipulation.
You have met this woman once. You are not 'dear friends'. She is sending you an expensive hamper not out of the goodness of her heart, but to buy a way back into her son’s life. You are being used as a 'Flying Monkey'.
If you thank her, you are giving her a 'foot in the door'. If you send a gift back, you are starting a relationship with a woman your own sister and BIL have worked incredibly hard to cut out for their own mental health.
Listen to your sister. She knows Mary; you don't. By engaging with Mary, you are essentially telling your sister that your need to 'feel polite' is more important than her need for safety and boundaries during her pregnancy.
Do not thank her. Do not send a gift. Do not 'see her in the New Year'.

Take the hamper to a food bank (or keep it, but don't tell anyone).
Block her number/socials if she starts chasing a thank you.
Support your sister.

Being 'polite' to a narcissist is just giving them more ammunition. Black hole this gift. No response is a response.

Mrsclausemunchingonamincepie · 23/12/2025 10:27

Ds's ex kept sending me big bouquets of flowers with notes saying we should be friends..... 2 years after their relatively short relationship ended. During the relationship she was banned from our home and I only ever saw her 3 or 4 times!!. Binned and went unacknowledged... I didn't even tell ds..
Eat or donate the hamper and keep shtumm to everyone..

chipsticksmammy · 23/12/2025 10:31

I have a relative who does this. Do not engage.

Katherineryan1986 · 23/12/2025 10:32

You should just send a polite thank you note or text and leave it at that. She is not your relative and so you should not get involved.

Original poster

WaitingfortheThingtoHappen · 23/12/2025 13:11

My husband was working late and my daughter was out with friends, so I had a look at what's in the hamper.

Very nice!

Orange peel in dark chocolate, cherry and almond biscuits and a nice bottle of wine all went down very well with a few more treats left to share and enjoy over Christmas.

I will not be thanking Mary or contacting her to tell her the gift was delicious inappropriate. To do so would invite her to involve me in her toxic manipulations and I don't want any of that shit.

OP posts:

Diblin93 · 23/12/2025 13:20

If you want a relationship with your sister and brother in law you will abide by their wishes to the letter. Mary is poison. Stay away. Have no contact. Do not acknowledge the hamper. Do not thank her. Even if you do all of this, she is going to try again. Be ready. Your future relationship with your sister and brother in law is at stake.

Original poster

WaitingfortheThingtoHappen · 23/12/2025 13:52

Diblin93 · 23/12/2025 13:20

To be clear:

My future relationship with my sister and brother-in-law isn't and never has been at stake.

Without any encouragement, contact or friendly overtures, Mary has sent me a gift I neither asked for nor wanted. I'm sorry if that was not clear.

The one thing I thought I might do is thank her for the gift. However, even if I had done that much, it would have been with the greatest reluctance and would not have been followed up with any other communication.

As it happens, I have decided - and said so several times on here - that I will not thank her or even acknowledge receipt of the gift. If she should ask if I received it, I will not reply.

OP posts:

Nantescalling · 23/12/2025 16:06

I would write and say ' Your gift has made me very uncomfortable for reasons you can imagine. I have sent it to __ since returning it would seem rude" . She sounds like a very nasty person.

ManyPigeons · 23/12/2025 16:12

Just ignore it. She’s using you as a flying monkey. The only acceptable response would be ‘Don’t send me gifts you giant bitch.’

Why would you thank someone for a gift that was only sent to manipulate you and try and use you to harm your sister? It wasn’t sent from kindness… but from malice. Like saying thank you for a poisoned cup or a Trojan horse.

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