I don't know if I should thank her or buy her a gift

[WaitingfortheThingtoHappen]

My brother-in-law (my sister's husband) has recently (in the last nine months) stopped all contact with his narcissistic mother (Mary).

She is deeply resentful of my sister for taking her only child and has tried to ruin their relationship with lies, passive-agressive behaviour and pathetic competitive game-playing. My brother-in-law has finally decided he's had enough of her and the way she treats my sister and wants no further contact with her.

Mary won't accept that her son has made this decision and is constantly trying to re-establish contact. She recently found out my sister is pregnant, despite my sister and brother-in-law deliberately not telling her and is reinforcing her efforts to make her son speak to her.

She is apparently going round their family and friends trying to get sympathy and blaming my sister for the estrangement.

The only time I have met Mary in person was at my sister's wedding two years ago. I found her quite an overwhelming person who tries to make everything about herself. However, I enjoyed her company on the day and we got on reasonably well without me feeling we would ever be good friends.

Until now, the only other contact I have had with Mary was an exchange of Christmas cards last year.

Two days ago I received a delivery of a large, expensive hamper from a local farmshop and a message to "My dear friend WaitingforthethingtoHappen, wishing you a wonderful and happy Christmas" and "looking forward to seeing you in the New Year. Love and best wishes from Mary".

I have spoken to my sister who would prefer that I have no contact with Mary at all. She and her husband believe (and I agree) that Mary's gift to me is an attempt to establish contact with me and through me, them. They think I shouldn't acknowledge the gift in any way, that I shouldn't thank Mary for it, nor should I return it.

They have suggested I send it to the food bank if I'm uncomfortable keeping it.

While I understand and respect their reasons, I would feel uncomfortable for not thanking Mary for the gift and a part of me feels I should send a small gift in return.

Am I being unreasonable?

You are being unreasonable - the gift is a form of toxic manipulation, not a kind gesture. You should support your sister and brother-in-law's decision and not acknowledge receipt of the gift in any way.

You are not being unreasonable - it would be rude not to acknowledge such a generous gift and should at least thank Mary for it and consider sending a gift in return.

The solution is that she contacts her son once, in writing, to apologise for whatever hurt she has caused him, say that she is available and ready to listen whenever he feels ready to talk to her to try and repair their relationship, and reassure him that he is loved and missed and the door is always open but she will respect his wishes and not contact him again.

Then she demonstrates that she can respect his wishes and learn from his actions by doing what he wants and leaving him alone.

The only time I have ever seen family estrangement resolved the parent in question did that, the adult child eventually reached out and the parent listened, took on board criticisms and actually changed their behaviour.

Obviously sending expensive gifts to acquaintances to try and get them “on side” and manipulate them into giving you information/contact that your own kids do not want is not an effective strategy.

Keep the gift but don’t say anything to her, she’s being manipulative

Be careful. If you entertain Mary’s attempts to get to her DS through you your sister may cut you off

Mary is simply using you as a means to get at her son and your sister. It has nothing to do with her liking you / wanting to be your friend it is being manipulative. Personally I would give it to the food bank and if you feel you need to acknowledge it send Mary a note telling her it has been donated to the food bank. Ideally you not should give Mary any way into your personal space / orbit as she will use this to keep chipping away to get to your BIL and sister. Obviously she isn’t getting too far with her own family as she is now working on your sister’s.

There is no spite in my brother-in-law's decision to protect himself and his wife from an abusive and toxic mother.

Mary's current situation has come about due to her spiteful actions.

If her son decides never to see her again, she will have to accept it. His decision is entirely justified and not taken lightly.

The solution is that she contacts her son once, in writing, to apologise for whatever hurt she has caused him, say that she is available and ready to listen whenever he feels ready to talk to her to try and repair their relationship, and reassure him that he is loved and missed and the door is always open but she will respect his wishes and not contact him again.

Unfortunately, Mary could never do this. She is incapable of apologising and always plays the victim.

She could never admit she has done anything wrong. She has to pretend it's all my sister's fault, even if that means she never sees her son again.

Id return the gift with a thank you note if you absolutely have to.

Just a card saying thank you for thinking of me but in the circs it would be inappropriate to accept the gift and you hope she can repurpose it.

This isnt a gift, its a bid to control and youre playing to it. If her own son sees it, you should. She even added to the gift she wants to see "you" next year

Absolutely do NOT respond with a gift of your own unless you want to gamble with your relationship with your sister.

Yes I think generally if parents have behaved badly enough that their adult children want to cut them off it’s unlikely that they have the personality or emotional intelligence necessary to do this!

In the one family I know of where they managed to repair things, the parent had a lot of therapy and really untangled a lot of their issues - they remained a difficult personality but at least had enough insight to know they were difficult, and to follow their child’s wishes about how to try and change/repair any issues as they arose.

Doesn’t sound like Mary would be willing/able to do this. I think you’re doing the right thing by just ignoring her.

Why do you even need to ask this? Why would you keep in contact with someone your sister and BIL have cut off?

You don’t usually exchange gifts and have said you’ve had little contact and are not close. This is definitely an attempt to manipulate you and wheedle her way back in to her son’s life. I’d say absolutely nothing, do not engage with her at all - that’s what she’s after.

This smacks of triangulation. I would do whatever your sister and BIL ask you to because this gift is 100% an attempt to manipulate you into becoming a Mary informant or sympathiser.

Thanking her or sending something back will only encourage her, so I would ignore it. I agree you should not respond or acknowledge it.

She is banking on it making you want to respond, so she can open a line of communication to try to get the tea on her son and DIL. This is nothing more than a bribe and you are being used.

Don't worry about being "polite" with abusers. They will try to use social convention to force you to make.contact so they can use you as a puppet.

She is making overtures to try to get you on her side, calling you a "dear friend" which is disingenuous because you're clearly not, and she does NOT consider you as such, and sending an inappropriately extravagant gift out of the blue. This tactic is called love bombing.Don't fall for it! She is not being nice or generous, she is trying to manipulate you.

Foe context I was raised by 2 toxic narcissists and I know what they can be like!

Keep reporting back to your sis and BIL and please support them and follow their wishes. It is SO HARD dealing with a manipulative narcissistic parent, they really need you on their side.

You are doing the right thing by not responding. She’s trying to drag you into something that will only cause you and your sister pain and grief.

Thank you.

My brother-in-law tried really hard to keep the relationship going. As a child and young adult, she gaslit him into believing he was the problem and her treatment of him was a normal and proportionate response to his behaviour. He believed her, because - at the time - he didn't know what a normal, loving mother looks like.

Mary has hated my sister from the start. Her husband never had a girlfriend that Mary liked, but they all became angels when he split up with them.

Before he went no contact, he gave her one last chance to change. He told her exactly what the problems are and held nothing back. She denied everything, blaming my sister for turning him against her.

She tells everyone who will listen that she has no idea what she is "supposed to have done", that he just stopped speaking to her without any explanation and that it must be my sister's jealousy of their mother-son bond!

She is a serious piece of work.

I'm sure that her son has probably given her lots of chance before taking the drastic step of cutting her off.

She has tried to ruin the relationship that he has with OP's sister and is blaming OP's sister for the breakdown of her relationship with her son.

All her actions and motivations were spiteful so I'm not sure why you feel so sorry that she is suffering the consequences of her own horrible actions.

Say thank you to her.

Don't send a present back

I have been in similar position as your sister. From my perspective it is manipulation. I recognise that this is not right. There is no reason for the mil to make contact with you. If you make any contact back you will put yourself into a very difficult position.
Is it possible for someone not connected with the family situation to return the parcel to the house without making contact with the mil?
It is sad that some people carry on the way she is.
Part of the reason for attending the course was the mil and the abuse I received. Your sister and bil are both victims of her abuse and she is tryingto draw you in too.
I am so pleased bil has stood with his wife.
Too many mils are like this one.
Perhaps the wisest move would be to return the hamper to the shop rather than to the mil. Let them sort it out.

Team Sister all the way. £1m wouldn’t be enough for me to be in contact with someone who treated my dais and bil badly. Why are you even considering it?

Either just send a short message thanking her for it or don't. But it's fair it seems unwise to have a relationship with Mary.

Keep the stuff or give to foodbank. But it does sound like a misguided manipulation tactic. The way it says 'my good friend' when you barely know her other than the fact people you love don't like her at all.

I have never had any intention of "being in contact" in any meaningful sense.

The only thing I considered was thanking her for the gift, even though to do so would stick in the craw.

Now, I have decided I will not act in any way that invites her to contact me again. That means I will not send her any kind of gift, card or message of thanks or otherwise. Neither will I return the gift or in any way acknowledge that I received it.

I believe she is trying to manipulate you as you suspect. But I would also want to say thank you and probably would. I wouldn’t return a gift.

But whatever action you take the most important thing you understand is that you are in no way obliged to meet up with her in the NY, broker any communication between the parties or send a present next year.

She can try and manipulate you all she wants. The key thing is that you don’t go in for it.

I have had this - a relative but g me gifts when I didn’t want a relationship. I felt very rude, but I ignored the gists. They have now stopped and I feel a huge relief.

By doing this she proved them right. You should respond how they want you to given that she hasn’t sent it to be nice, give it to someone else so they can have it with no bad feeling.

My MIL plays similar games with my sister. My parents stepped back when my DH decided he needed to. My sister… well, she must love the little triangle because she actively courts it despite me telling her it causes my DH pain and grief that she does.

Mary hasnt ever bothered to send you anything before now right? So it should be clear to you what her game is here.

You need to donate the hamper, ignore her and show your pregnant sister (who she has treated terribly) that you 100% have her back.

Dear Mary
Ive received this hamper from you and I have no clue as to the reason why, you’ve been awful to my sister and as such I will be disposing of it and do not expect any further contact from you.
I trust this is crystal clear now

is what id be doing here!