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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't know if I should thank her or buy her a gift

117 replies

WaitingfortheThingtoHappen · 22/12/2025 11:17

My brother-in-law (my sister's husband) has recently (in the last nine months) stopped all contact with his narcissistic mother (Mary).

She is deeply resentful of my sister for taking her only child and has tried to ruin their relationship with lies, passive-agressive behaviour and pathetic competitive game-playing. My brother-in-law has finally decided he's had enough of her and the way she treats my sister and wants no further contact with her.

Mary won't accept that her son has made this decision and is constantly trying to re-establish contact. She recently found out my sister is pregnant, despite my sister and brother-in-law deliberately not telling her and is reinforcing her efforts to make her son speak to her.

She is apparently going round their family and friends trying to get sympathy and blaming my sister for the estrangement.

The only time I have met Mary in person was at my sister's wedding two years ago. I found her quite an overwhelming person who tries to make everything about herself. However, I enjoyed her company on the day and we got on reasonably well without me feeling we would ever be good friends.

Until now, the only other contact I have had with Mary was an exchange of Christmas cards last year.

Two days ago I received a delivery of a large, expensive hamper from a local farmshop and a message to "My dear friend WaitingforthethingtoHappen, wishing you a wonderful and happy Christmas" and "looking forward to seeing you in the New Year. Love and best wishes from Mary".

I have spoken to my sister who would prefer that I have no contact with Mary at all. She and her husband believe (and I agree) that Mary's gift to me is an attempt to establish contact with me and through me, them. They think I shouldn't acknowledge the gift in any way, that I shouldn't thank Mary for it, nor should I return it.

They have suggested I send it to the food bank if I'm uncomfortable keeping it.

While I understand and respect their reasons, I would feel uncomfortable for not thanking Mary for the gift and a part of me feels I should send a small gift in return.

Am I being unreasonable?

You are being unreasonable - the gift is a form of toxic manipulation, not a kind gesture. You should support your sister and brother-in-law's decision and not acknowledge receipt of the gift in any way.

You are not being unreasonable - it would be rude not to acknowledge such a generous gift and should at least thank Mary for it and consider sending a gift in return.

OP posts:
titchy · 22/12/2025 12:01

YOU would feel uncomfortable not saying thank you or sending a return gift?! How about putting your sister’s feelings first rather than yours. She’s the injured party here. This is the year you stop sending her Christmas cards too btw in case you weren’t sure.

mindutopia · 22/12/2025 12:01

Dear God, no, do not engage. You are setting yourself up for a hell of a lot of drama if you do. She will likely be relentless in her pursuit of you. Speaking from experience with a NC mother. You will also risk losing your sister and BIL and new baby niece or nephew because they would be wise to cut you off too if you are potentially going to be feeding her information.

My mum never took so much interest in my friends until I ended our relationship. She got one of them to screen shot images from my social media of my children. Another one stalked me until she got my address after I moved.

Nope, no way. Donate to charity and pretend it never happened if you love your sister and BIL.

FrodoBiggins · 22/12/2025 12:02

JudgeBread · 22/12/2025 11:21

You're quite easy to manipulate aren't you? All it takes is a hamper.

The man has cut contact with this woman even when he's having a child, I'm sure what you're aware of is the tip of the iceberg of the reasons for this. People, and in my experience especially men, don't just cut contact with their mothers for funsies.

Of course you ignore it.

You're quite easy to manipulate aren't you?

I'm afraid I thought the same OP. Beware of texts from your "children" with a new phone number needing money, and emails saying you have a PC virus and need to download a new programme...

Ooodelally · 22/12/2025 12:04

She has picked you out a potential weak link, please don’t give her the satisfaction of allowing a contact to be made.

I would ignore entirely and as I wouldn’t want such a “loaded” gift I would also do as other suggest and donate to a food bank or other worthy cause.

MannersAreAll · 22/12/2025 12:04

You shouldn't thank her because it's not actually a gift for you.

It's a tool to try and continue her nastiness against your sister and to try and manipulate her son.

Zero need to thank her for trying yo use you as a weapon against your pregnant sister

pasturesgreen · 22/12/2025 12:04

You seem to have your priorities skewed, OP.
You should have your sister's back here, not entertaining the idea of chumming up to her toxic NC MIL.

Isayitasitis · 22/12/2025 12:05

Put your sister first FGS.

Mollywasasinger · 22/12/2025 12:07

This is classic narcissistic behaviour. She is trying to create allies, and hoping to get to her son through you.

In her mind you will become close to her, persuade your BIL to re-open communication with her and/or keep her updated on what your BIL is doing, give her photos of their baby, facilitate contact between her and the baby against BIL’s wishes.

Your only relationship with her is through your sister, so now that your sister has cut her off your relationship with Mary has ended.

If you do not have your sister and BIL’s back on this they will likely end up cutting you off as well.

WildLeader · 22/12/2025 12:07

If you feel you must acknowledge the gift, send a card to say that you’ve received it, but that it’s not appropriate for her to have sent it, and you have donated it to the local food bank who will be extremely grateful for it.

GooseberryGreen · 22/12/2025 12:12

She didn't send this gift with any goodwill or any personal liking for you. Please respect your sister's wishes and don't respond - no card, no thank you. It's all the better if she thinks you are a rude cow who won't get sucked into her scheming. Personally I wouldn't trust the food in it either. It would go straight in the bin rather than donating it. Remember Snow White being offered the poisoned apple 🍎? Don't take gifts from people who hate your family.

whatdoyourdoggoswant · 22/12/2025 12:25

If you must I would suggest returning it to sender with a note saying you are not able to accept it in the circumstances. However, I would suggest you simply ignore it.

Brightbluesomething · 22/12/2025 12:26

Do not acknowledge this manipulation. She will turn it against you if you respond and use it to further criticise your sister and her DH given they have stayed strong with NC. Do you want her telling all the family that even you are in contact with her when your sister isn’t?
Think this through and support your sister. As PP’s have said, she’s chosen well, you are really easy to manipulate if you’re feeling obliged to respond.

Sunflowerintherain · 22/12/2025 12:27

I'd recommend from experience in this type of situation do not acknowledge the gift, do not feel you have to treat this like a normal 'kind thoughtful gift' because it is completely obvious she is trying to manipulate you and it's very important to follow your sister/ BIL's wishes if you want to keep your relationship with your sister, it really does come down to that.

Hallywally · 22/12/2025 12:29

I can’t believe you’re asking this. She has treated your sister & BIL terribly. Surely your loyalty lies with your sister & you can see how she’s trying to manipulate you. It’s not like she was a friend before they got together- you only know her through them anyway.

gogomomo2 · 22/12/2025 12:29

There’s a middle ground, a thank you is the right thing to do, don’t expand beyond this simple expression apart from a happy Christmas perhaps.

SoLongLuminosity · 22/12/2025 12:31

I'd acknowledge and close the door.

"Thank you for the kind gift. Merry Christmas and best wishes."

titchy · 22/12/2025 12:35

gogomomo2 · 22/12/2025 12:29

There’s a middle ground, a thank you is the right thing to do, don’t expand beyond this simple expression apart from a happy Christmas perhaps.

That’s not a middle ground though is it? It tells the sender you were happy to receive the gift and it leaves the door open to contact in the new year. OP’s sister’s MIL would be delighted at such an outcome. OP’s loyalties should be with her sister - sending nothing makes that clear.

Arlanymor · 22/12/2025 12:37

You need to see it for what it is - it's not a lovely, generous gift, it is emotional manipulation wrapped up in a bow. I wouldn't thank someone for the 'gift' of putting me in an awkward situation. It's insidious of her to send it and it would be insidious of you to thank her - she's well aware what it is and so are you. Please don't be complicit. Donate it and forget about it.

PlumTiger · 22/12/2025 12:39

She is probably very hurt. There are always two sides. She is his Mum!

FlorbelaEspanca · 22/12/2025 12:39

I think in your case I would send a brief, polite but in no way effusive note of thanks. I would not send a gift.

There is, however, a case for not thanking her so as to make it less likely she will ever send you anything else.

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 22/12/2025 12:45

This is really hard. I think I'd send a text along the lines of ' Thank you for the hamper. Given the current situation with you and DS's family it feels wrong to accept it. Would you like me to return it to you or donate it to a local charity? '

InconvenientPeg · 22/12/2025 12:45

She's banking on you being uncomfortable enough that you respond and open the door. Ignore, don't thank her and enjoy the hamper on the knowledge you've done the right thing.

Grinchybinchy · 22/12/2025 12:45

I think I would donate it or return it to her but either way I would let her know it’s inappropriate under the circumstances

Sartre · 22/12/2025 12:49

Don’t get sucked in. It’s very clear what is happening, she is definitely using you in a bid to re establish contact with them.

Endofyear · 22/12/2025 12:52

PlumTiger · 22/12/2025 12:39

She is probably very hurt. There are always two sides. She is his Mum!

Did you not read the part about how this woman had treated OPs sister? If she wanted a good relationship with her son, she should have treated his wife better!