AIBU or is my DD - bedroom privacy

[Settingstory]

I have 2 DD’s in their 20’s and I am very happy to have them still living at home while they save up for the future. I’m lucky we can afford to offer this to them, they don’t pay any rent with the intention they are saving this for their future. They both work full time.

Backstory is I was a single mum to them their whole childhood, just us 3 living together and when they became adults I met someone and we got married he’s a great supportive stepdad to my girls. He is also fine with the principal of them not paying rent as we are in a good position financially and times are tough out there.

The deal with no rent is they are expected to keep their own room clean and tidy and not make mess in the main house. The girls can eat any of the food in the house if they want to.

My oldest DD1 is neurodiverse (AuADHD) she makes no mess in the main house and she keeps her room fairly clean and tidy because ‘that was the deal’. She says she appreciates she has a very good deal and I don’t go into her room for any reason. She often buys her own food, she’s respectful and always asks politely to use the washing machine, things like that.

You can probably guess where this is going. My DD2 is the complete opposite and it’s causing arguments. I’ve tried giving her the benefit of the doubt but I think she is mostly just lazy.

Her room is awful and I am often having to go in there when she’s out to turn off all the lights/TV she leaves on (I’m paying the bills and these appliances get hot)

take the glasses and plates down (so many of them) and retrieve the 10 bath towels she has taken to use (and we have none clean left).

There is always a full up bin and rubbish/food all over the floor, and that’s if you can even get into the door from the 7 to 8 loads of laundry all over the place blocking the door.

She leaves her shoes all over the hallway, never loads the dishwasher after she cooks.

It’s all kicked off in a ridiculous way of DD2 yelling ‘respect my privacy’ (South Park style) when I’ve been in her room yet again to retrieve 12 glasses, 7 plates, 5 towels and turn the TV off.

I’m asking DD2 just to do these things herself, nothing more and we now have a standoff apparently where she says she doesn’t feel like her own person and I am helicopter parenting and she wants to install a lock! I’ve said absolutely no way she is having a lock on the door, the room is a fire hazard. She has even offered to pay rent just so I have ‘nothing to hold over her’.

I did explain I have better things to do in life than sort out another adults mess so if she could keep it tidy, I would have NO reason to go in there.

AIBU? I do go in her room even though she asks me not to! But I think I have good reason!

She needs to leave. She wants to be her own adult, she needs her own space.

I think you can close the door on mess and it’s up to your dd if she wants her bedroom to be a pigsty but I wouldn't compromise on things like dirty dishes. Could she also have ADHD. I do and I just couldn’t keep my room tidy when I was that age. It felt impossible and overwhelming. I’m obviously very clean and tidy as a fully grown adult though!

Time she moved out.

Dd2 either follows the rules or leaves.

If she is prepared to pay rent, then she should move out into a shared house. They can then merrily keep a messy house together with her flatmates without parental supervision.

Paying rent to you isn't going to solve the issue of no towels for the family or dirty dishes everywhere. This won't be "rent", this will be paying you for cleaning. Unless she wants to do both but then you would still need to go to her room.

Whichever way you spin it, it's best she lives out altogether.

If she doesn’t respect your home - you don’t respect her room!!

It works both ways.

i also have one of these mess makers - but she’s ND - yours maybe too. She may have been overlooked because of her sister and is displaying NT behaviours.

You can’t give them back, there’s no refund unfortunately.

Well I guess she will run out of plates and towels soon then. I would get everyone else to have their own plate, cutlery, towel etc kept in their room which they bring out to eat with, wash their stuff up then take back to their room. If she wants to be a tramp two can play silly games.

When mine don't put their shoes in the shoe cabinet I throw them in the garden or the dog takes them and chews them, not my problem if they are chewed or it's raining. It doesn't happen to my shoes as I put mine away.

Or she moves out 🤷

She probably needs to move out and grow up. I would be surprised if she is actually saving....given her preferred chaotic lifestyle. If she stays why not charge rent since she is not behaving as asked (and maybe give it back later for a deposit on rental etc).

Tell her she's behaving like a child so you are treating her like one. If she wants you to respect her privacy then she n eds to respect the deal.

You will cause resentment with your DD1 if the rules are different for her younger sister. Time for DD2 to live in the real world. She needs to leave.

Give her some concrete actions to change over the next 3 months e.g. No dirty glasses in the room before going to bed, TV and lights turned off when not in the room. If she doesn’t keep to the rules then she’s gone. March 2026 is the deadline.

It would be way worse for her ‘privacy’ in a house share, she has it so easy with you.

Put mouse droppings in ( obviously fake). Make a mention you think there is a mouse ....

And watch the room get tidied....

She abides by the rules or she moves out.

Alternatively - Charge her rent plus a cleaning fee £30 a week for her room to be cleaned.

Kick her out. You are doing her no favours by allowing her to remain stuck in eternal adolescence

I'd also wonder about ADHD as my eldest DD is like this. When living at home she just couldn't tidy her room, so about four times a year, at prearranged times, I would go in with her and 'help' her clean (which consisted mostly of her discovering lost books and reading them while I tidied, but at least it was getting done).

Well if you weren't running out of towels and dishes/glasses and turning off electrics, you'd not need to go in. If you've already told her this, I'd reiterate it and say if things don't change in the next two months then shel need to look for a room to rent. The option isn't paying rent, because you'd still end up with no clean towels, plates and dishes and her making a mess.

YADNBU OP.

If we was a lodger in someone else's house she would be told to leave, rent or no rent.

If she wants to leave her room filthy and messy that is largely up to her, but with anything that impacts the rest of the household (the dishes, the towels, not clearing up after herself in the kitchen) she is being wildly unreasonable. What exactly does she expect you to do when all the crockery in the house has migrated into her room?

I think she needs to move out.

Tell her that if she can’t live by the rules she’ll need to move out. She can get a room in a shared house, she’ll either find like minded people and they’ll all live like pigs together or she’ll live in a house where there are constant arguments about her not pulling her weight and she’ll be asked to leave. The latter might be a wake up call and she might appreciate what she has at yours.

There is hope, my DSIS used to live like your daughter at the same age and now her house is like a show home. She changed when she met her husband who made it clear he wasn’t living like that.

I think it's fine to go in to retrieve household stuff like plates and towels and turn off TV etc. I appreciate you shouldn't have to, but it is what it is.

I wouldn't get involved with anything personal, such as her laundry or changing bedding etc.

My DS does make a household contribution and although he is getting better, his room has been vile in the past. I did tell him once I was going to employ a cleaner for two hours every week as I wasn't prepared to keep sorting it out. I never did, but the conversation was had.

Perhaps this is a route you could consider. Take some rent off her to cover a cleaner. Say to her

"I do respect your need for privacy but there has to be a compromise of some sort as the room needs to at least be clean, even if not tidy. This is my suggestion - what is yours?"

and see where that goes.

If the eldest is diagnosed as AuDHD, is there a chance that DD2 is also ND? I only ask because my DD has the same diagnosis and has similar issues with keeping her room tidy.

We have reached a compromise though. It is difficult because of I do too much in her room she finds it completely overwhelming and will meltdown.

I would reassure her. Remind her how much you love her and how much you like her living with you. Say that dishes and towels being removed and appliances switched off is non-negotiable and ask her to have a think about what she’d like to do.

It seems the options are:

She switches off appliances herself, puts towels in the laundry bin and brings dishes downstairs.

She does the above but stops eating and drinking in her room so there are no dishes in her room

She relaxes about you keeping the room to a minimum standard.

She moves out.

I think you do need to leave the decision with her but also give her lots of reassurance.

With my own DD I think the diagnosis means that I have to parent her as though she’s much younger which can be a tricky balance when they are adults.

Paying rent is not a solution. Only enter to retrieve plates/towels dont touch anything else.

Alternatively get her specific towels/plates /cups for her and tell her other stuff is out of bounds.

Thanks, DH and I have tried a soft approach and asking in advance and having adult conversations but she always has a lame excuse usually she didn’t have time, but everyone else has time?

DD1 does resent it!

I am cautious about ADHD with my DD2, as this is the only sign of ND she has - in all other ways, she has no indications or traits I can put my finger on. She has always been really lazy

she is an absolute bed rotter who doesn’t change her sheets for weeks/months either. She doesn’t believe me that the room starts to smell. When we moved out of our old house, her room was absolutely vile and embarrassing. The carpet had to come out. She also ruins her mattress by just having a period all over it, drink and food. She now has a water proof protector on it but it’s the kind of mattress I will be absolutely mortified to drive to the dump one day. She never used to shower enough but she does now.

She needs to move out. She's stuck in teenager mode because she's still living like a teenager, at home with no adult responsibilities and relying on Mummy for everything.

Your house , your rules .
You are happy to continue to house her / keep her and you ask that she keeps it tidy .
That is not hard to understand . You don't need to go in her room if she stuck to that .

However , if her room is tiny & and has no storage to put things away and you have an cleaning obsession so everything has to be pristine 100% of the time , then you might be being unreasonable .

I never understand this threads, how do you get to this age and not keep your space clean and tidy. She cleans up or moves out.