AIBU or is my DD - bedroom privacy

[Settingstory]

I have 2 DD’s in their 20’s and I am very happy to have them still living at home while they save up for the future. I’m lucky we can afford to offer this to them, they don’t pay any rent with the intention they are saving this for their future. They both work full time.

Backstory is I was a single mum to them their whole childhood, just us 3 living together and when they became adults I met someone and we got married he’s a great supportive stepdad to my girls. He is also fine with the principal of them not paying rent as we are in a good position financially and times are tough out there.

The deal with no rent is they are expected to keep their own room clean and tidy and not make mess in the main house. The girls can eat any of the food in the house if they want to.

My oldest DD1 is neurodiverse (AuADHD) she makes no mess in the main house and she keeps her room fairly clean and tidy because ‘that was the deal’. She says she appreciates she has a very good deal and I don’t go into her room for any reason. She often buys her own food, she’s respectful and always asks politely to use the washing machine, things like that.

You can probably guess where this is going. My DD2 is the complete opposite and it’s causing arguments. I’ve tried giving her the benefit of the doubt but I think she is mostly just lazy.

Her room is awful and I am often having to go in there when she’s out to turn off all the lights/TV she leaves on (I’m paying the bills and these appliances get hot)

take the glasses and plates down (so many of them) and retrieve the 10 bath towels she has taken to use (and we have none clean left).

There is always a full up bin and rubbish/food all over the floor, and that’s if you can even get into the door from the 7 to 8 loads of laundry all over the place blocking the door.

She leaves her shoes all over the hallway, never loads the dishwasher after she cooks.

It’s all kicked off in a ridiculous way of DD2 yelling ‘respect my privacy’ (South Park style) when I’ve been in her room yet again to retrieve 12 glasses, 7 plates, 5 towels and turn the TV off.

I’m asking DD2 just to do these things herself, nothing more and we now have a standoff apparently where she says she doesn’t feel like her own person and I am helicopter parenting and she wants to install a lock! I’ve said absolutely no way she is having a lock on the door, the room is a fire hazard. She has even offered to pay rent just so I have ‘nothing to hold over her’.

I did explain I have better things to do in life than sort out another adults mess so if she could keep it tidy, I would have NO reason to go in there.

AIBU? I do go in her room even though she asks me not to! But I think I have good reason!

She has it too easy and isn’t respecting you. The mattress issue is really bad.
I would tell her she needs to move out preferably sooner than later.

Oh god this is going to be me in 5-10 years time!

DD1 has always been neat and tidy.

DD2 has always been messy. I can nag and shout till I'm blue in the face and there will still be a wet towel on the floor, dirty underwear in a pile, etc. I always thought she did have a few ADHD-like traits BUT she can absolutely tidy up when it benefits her. So I think although she finds it hard to care about tidying, she's also to some extent just lazy. (She's also good fun creative, often kind etc so not all bad!).

I think YANBU to go in and get the plates and towels and turn the TV off. That's not rooting through her stuff or anything. She knows what to do if she doesn't like it - remove the plates and towels herself.

I just cannot understand people who are happy to live in this kind of squalor. I would never allow children (of any age) to take and eat food in their bedroom, particularly if they don't tidy away the plates/cutlery afterwards. This should have been stopped years ago so too late now I suppose!

It reminds me of my husband's son, who used to live with us intermittently - he would use a clean towel after every single shower (twice a day) and just drop it on the bedroom floor, expecting it to be washed. I just used to dry them all and put them back in his room. Made me feel good that I had duped him for expecting me to tidy up after him!!

Sounds like classic ADHD to me.

She will only change once she moves out to her own place and she realises she can't live the way she does. She knows you will tidy to the extent of taking things out her room.

I don't allow food or drink in bedrooms, it's an absolute no no. I don't even allow them to eat sitting on the sofa - if you want to eat sit at the table.

Teen DD is AuDHD and this sounds exactly like her. (And me, just ADHD here.)

Charge them rent. Save that rent for them when they buy their own place. They learn what life costs and at the same time are saving.
The one being disrespectful needs to move out and rent her own place.

Ha. I’m nearly 50 and my ND hasn’t gone away yet.

Yeah, like others said. If she can't respect the rules then it's time for her to find her own place. She may appreciate all you've done for her when there is nobody to clean up after her.

Dear me. All of the making excuses. She's just lazy and has no respect. Tell her to leave.

I don’t think she will change!

DH and I liken this to Harry and Meghan South Park scene with a placard ‘we want privacy’ because it’s ridiculous.

I explained I am not going into DD1’s room so you can have privacy if you clean up now she isn’t speaking to us!

@Settingstory after Christmas obviously ... but can you not sit down with her and just tell her that it is time she found somewhere else to live as there is too much tension and it can't be enjoyable for her either to carry on living together?

I understand you have been trying to allow both children to stay at home into their 20s for financial reasons and I also have an adult child well into his 20s living at home. But he is polite and respectful. He is messy too but will clean up when asked to and he doesn't shout at me for going into his bedroom if I want to tidy up in there.

It isn't acceptable the way she talks to you. I'm sorry but I think you need to "man up" and tell her that it's no longer working for her to stay living at home.

Put something in her room that will go off and smell really bad

@Settingstory Sorry it's come to this OP, but YANBU. If she wants to live like a pig, let her do it in her own "home" rather than risk razing yours to the ground with her fire hazard of a bedroom (I do hope she doesn't use straighteners and leaves those on too!)
As she's not speaking to you, serve her eviction in writing - that will get her attention. She's an 'Excluded Occupier', in housing law terms, so you only have to give her "reasonable" notice which would typically be in line with the frequency with which she pays rent (e.g. weekly, monthly) but as she's not paying rent at all, the notice could be a week or less. Of course I'm sure you wouldn't put her out on the street and would wait until she'd secured accommodation elsewhere, but shock tactics are needed right now to bring her to her senses and make her realise what a great set-up she has now (I think her lack of appreciation of this and her lack of respect for you and your DH is truly disgusting).
She could rent a room in a house and, if her income is low enough, make a claim for UC as the housing element would help her with the rent.
Time to get tough OP.

How old is she? Reading your posts I’m guessing she’s 23 at the most, immature, and stuck in a loop of being ashamed of the state of her room, while also being defiant and massively resentful at being ‘told what to do’.
She’s in a corner - if she backs down and tidies it up then she has submitted to your authority, admitted you’re right and what she really wants is to be her own independent adult self. However, she can also see it’s mucky, hence the embarrassment at your intrusion.

I reckon back off completely. Tell her kindly that you’re going to leave things entirely in her hands, but that you’re going to reevaluate the housing situation in 6 months. She knows what matters to you, what you appreciate in a housemate (which is what she effectively is) so if she wants to continue the arrangement, she knows what she needs to do.
Then, don’t say a word. Be pleasant, don’t hold it over her, never ever mention or set foot in her room. Let the plates fester, the towels moulder (keep some on one side for the rest of you), she will have to live in these conditions and truly experience the consequences of her mucky behaviour, and eventually will have to start doing her own washing and cleaning, through sheer necessity. She will not be able to turn it into an argument with you, she will be 100% responsible for her own space.

If things have improved after 6 months- mission accomplished.

If things are the same or worse - it’s time for her to move out, and she won’t really be able to argue, as you gave her fair warning and full freedom and privacy (as she asked for) and she made her choice.

This. My bf gave her similar dd a fortnight to shape up or ship out. She shipped out. Why does she not just clear up/take dishes downstairs? I’d allocate her towels and she doesn’t get to use extras.

This. My bf gave her similar dd a fortnight to shape up or ship out. She shipped out. Why does she not just clear up/take dishes downstairs? I’d allocate her towels and she doesn’t get to use extras.

She shouldn't be allowed to eat in her room if she can't keep it tidy.

It's time for her to move out. She's adult, she's hell to live with - time for her to explore her independence.

Charge rent, and also charge for a cleaner for her room once a week, get some quotes, and I'm sure she's not saving, really tough should charge both rent that you actually save for them in savings or isas in their names, if never trust a kids to save when living at home

Oh no, she is just vile.

Off you pop DD2! Off to the real world where people will call you out far more than your very patient mum

But that would not help the rest of the family, if there are no clean cups / plates / towels.

I'd kick her out personally.

But if you are aren't willing to do that:
She has her own plates, bowls, mugs, cutlery, glasses, etc. and her own towels. She's only allowed to use these and take them into her room. As long as she doesn't take other items into her room, you won't go in there. If her things are dirty, she needs to sort them or she won't have anything to use. But you have no need to go into her room to get them as it's not impacting the rest of the household.
Regarding her leaving appliances on - if this is a problem get smart plugs to plug them into. You can then turn them off via an app if she's gone out and left things on (they can also be programmed with a timer so will automatically turn off at set times so when she's normally at work for example). We use these for our Christmas lights and they're great.

But yeah I would be telling her she needs to find another place to live and giving her a timescale to find somewhere. Her offering to pay rent is not really relevant. If she was living in a shared house, paying rent, and kept taking all the communal items from the kitchen into her room, and living like a slob, not doing her fair share of dishes/tidying that would still be an issue.

I would do this. No good telling her to keep it tidy as she will just rebel and it's probably not realistic that she moves out just like that. The mouse thing is dishonest but I think it could work!

I don't agree that when she's breaking your house rules so comprehensively, you have to "respect her privacy". She has to respect your house rules, or she can ship out and look after herself. As proven with DD1, the rules are easy to adhere to and doing so keeps everyone happy. She's being unreasonable and needs to grow up.