Nobody willing to my adjustments for us, for Christmas!

[Yolocloud]

AIBU to want to say fuck it to everyone and stay at home for Christmas next year?

Happy to be told I'm being arse and to suck it up.

Our usual routine:
For the past 15 years, myself and my husband have always split Christmas day between both of our families in the following routine:

• Wake up and presents at home
• Up to husbands Grandma's between 10-12:30 (15 minute drive)
• Back home to cook and have dinner (We had dinner at his Grandma's the first 5 years, but it was a very tight squeeze in her small dining room and she did ultimately did not invite us the 6th year)
• Leave at 2:30 to go to my mam's (35 minute drive)
• back home.

It's a constant rush all day, and whilst it's lovely to see everyone, it always feels like a time limit. We can't see everyone properly and it feels like we're shovelling our dinner down.

When we had our son 5 years ago, we said we'd change the routine, but ultimately kept it the same due to two reasons.

1. My husband's Grandma is very old and we're not sure how many more Christmas' she has left.
2. There is just me and my mam in our family, if I did not see my mam Christmas day, she would not see anyone.

We have tried each year to offer solutions to everyone to make our day a bit easier, this includes:

• Us hosting dinner instead of Grandma as we have a bigger dining room to hold everyone. They won't because it's the done thing.
• Me cooking dinner at my mam's house for the 4 of us. She says no each time I offer.
• Me collecting my mam on the morning (she won't sleep at our house) and having her at our Christmas day and for dinner. I would take her back later. Again, she's said no. She wants to keep the same routine.

So here we are, another year of rushing around everyone with our 5 year old, with what feels like no time to enjoy anything.

I really want to say fuck it and either stay home next year or only visit one on Christmas day (maybe alternative each year?) Everytime I think this though, I feel guilty!

AIBU or is this part and parcel of Christmas?

you have to be blunt with your mum: you can come on Christmas day or Boxing day, pick one.

I would keep seeing grandma, but maybe later or have your dinner later (since you won't be going to your mum's))?

You have to just tell them.

"We've decided to stay at home on the day this year - you're both very welcome to join us, it would be lovely to have you, and we can make room for you to stay or help with a lift on the day, but we won't be dragging [child] out and about when they want to relax and play with their new toys!"

And then just stick to it. Don't budge. Keep repeating how much you hope they'll join you.

Put your child first and stay at home. Your mum isn’t the boss of you, she can come to yours while you do it your own way or not but she doesn’t get to dictate that you go anywhere else. Stop being a bloody doormat and actually enjoy the day.

This.
Youre an adult now, you don’t have to do what they say.
Your 5yo does have to do what you say. So you need to think about his perspective here

Stay at home next year. Invite whom you want, so if they end up alone it's their choice.

Do what you want! Sounds like everyone else has had their own way for far too long.

Christmas is one day. It is not the end of the world if you see people on Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, December 27th, the weekend before .. instead. Even if they are old and this is their last Christmas or you are their only family.

All of your suggestions are perfectly reasonable, and if others don't want to fall in with them, that is up to them.

If you’ve invited them and even offered to play taxi for them, and they still decline, then you’ve got absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Perhaps they’d prefer a quieter day as well.

Why does everyone else get to have their own way, when you're the one who has to suffer all the travelling, indigestion, etc.?

If you've invited people and they've said no they prefer to do it another way, just say 'that's fine, you do what you want, I've told you what we're doing, but you do you'. Then do what you want to do. If your Mum doesn't want to be alone, she'll come to you. As for your DH's Gran, I'm surprised you say you don't know how many Christmas's you have left with her, if she still hosts each year. Where does your DH's parents fit into this OP?

You’ve offered to see them still but at yours. They say no, so you say ‘sorry we are having Christmas at home and you’re welcome’ end of!

This.

when I read these sorts of threads I’m so glad we have a relaxed Christmas.

DH and I are both health care professionals so we got used to one of us working at Christmas and just going with the flow. We don’t need to work now but we’ve kept the same outlook.

love the Christmas period but there’s too much focus/drama about one day.

just do what you want and accommodate up to a point - but above all else - relax and have fun!!

It's fine, sometimes routines that worked for a period need to change. If your DM would rather not come to yours even when being taxi'd, that's her call and not your fault.

The part that would be difficult for me is the 2 hours to cook, eat and out the door again.

Your mum only lives 35 minutes away. If she’s not being reasonable to any adjustments with location then adjust your timings to suit you. Go to her for 5pm. Bring meat leftovers and any treats you’d like for evening tea. Then back home.

This! Otherwise they’re basically saying “we don’t care how difficult it makes it for you, only our wants count’!!
Christmas at home!!

If grandma is only 15 minutes away, you only need st stay for an hour. You don't need to have a full christmas lunch on Christmas Day. Have something easy and yummy and take the pressure off yourselves. Go visit your mum.

Have christmas lunch on boxing day, at your leisure.

Is there a particular reason why your mum can't drive? I bet she's pretty young if you have a five year old. I'd also consider inviting her to yours and accepting her answer of no. Don't make a rod for your own back.

What you need to recognise is that everyone is making a choice. So if it’s your mum and your grandma’s choice to be alone rather than come to yours, then they have to own that choice. I would not feel guilty under the same circumstances

Tell them, you need to get having Christmas at your place out of your system!

once u have done it once or twice, your grateful for the invites to others and you even make sure the petrol tank is full and plenty of spare presents for people that may be there

Thank you - I need to hear this.

I don't know how she hosts Christmas each year to be honest. It's only for 4 people (herself, her son, DH's Mam, and DH's brother), but it's still a lot of work. She doesn't leave the house unless she's driven somewhere as she struggles to wall far. For context she's 94. I thought they'd snap at the chance to someone else cook dinner, but she didn't.

My DH's dad unfortunately passed away in 2013. He doesn't have too much a relationship with his mam. He only sees her if they are both at his Grandma's together. It's all amicable, she had just never been very maternal.

Just say: no thanks X finds it all a bit much, we are having xmas day at ours this year, please join us if you fancy - no pressure though. If they don’t say fine. Once you’ve got a kid, it’s their day, not anyone else’s.

Does your mum have Christmas dinner alone then? Will she not come for lunch or cook lunch for you at her house?
We have had similar issues in the past and we actually decided to have family Christmas alone on Christmas Eve. We would all open a gift each and have a nice chilled meal just the 4 of us (on occasion we've eaten out for even more chill factor)
There is nothing worse as a kid than opening the gifts then immediately having to leave them to go visiting.

94? Wow, I thought you were going to say about 77!

15 years of doing it their way and rushing around and rushing your dinner! Sod that. Next year they do the compromising.

I've just told my family our plans and invited them to join us or not. I've warned them it's a favourite food buffet so it's based around dh's choice of spiced chicken, dd wants homemade pizza and I want salads so that's what we're having! They love the idea and are joining in!

This!!

I’m all for being flexible and I think your previous offers more than cover that and are exactly what I would have suggested, and would continue to suggest even it on alternative years, but there comes a point where you have to put yourselves first.

We’ve always gone to my parents and up until now have been happy to do that, this year we have a toddler and a newborn so the thought of packing everybody up to ship out for the day just felt like too much chaos. We have said we’re happy to host and everybody was more than happy to come here instead, going forward we’re going to alternate between us, parents & sister hosting, everybody happy with this because it’s easiest for everyone and we do all want to spend the day together.

I’d say if they aren’t prepared to flex at all then they probably aren’t too bothered about your presence anyway!

Been there. In the end, I decided that the children deserved a Christmas at home, with their toys, not rushing around to meet the grandparents needs. I tried to find solutions that would meet everyone's needs, offered compromises, alternating hosting, etc. Apparently all too hard. I asked the children what they liked the idea of. They didn't want to spend Christmas travelling everywhere. So I said, enough. Our door is open to anyone who wants to come at Christmas. Otherwise we see them around the day, not on the day. It was unpopular with some relatives but why do they get to dictate our traditions? They had their time doing that when we were children (which didn't involve them travelling anywhere btw).