Nobody willing to my adjustments for us, for Christmas!

[Yolocloud]

AIBU to want to say fuck it to everyone and stay at home for Christmas next year?

Happy to be told I'm being arse and to suck it up.

Our usual routine:
For the past 15 years, myself and my husband have always split Christmas day between both of our families in the following routine:

• Wake up and presents at home
• Up to husbands Grandma's between 10-12:30 (15 minute drive)
• Back home to cook and have dinner (We had dinner at his Grandma's the first 5 years, but it was a very tight squeeze in her small dining room and she did ultimately did not invite us the 6th year)
• Leave at 2:30 to go to my mam's (35 minute drive)
• back home.

It's a constant rush all day, and whilst it's lovely to see everyone, it always feels like a time limit. We can't see everyone properly and it feels like we're shovelling our dinner down.

When we had our son 5 years ago, we said we'd change the routine, but ultimately kept it the same due to two reasons.

1. My husband's Grandma is very old and we're not sure how many more Christmas' she has left.
2. There is just me and my mam in our family, if I did not see my mam Christmas day, she would not see anyone.

We have tried each year to offer solutions to everyone to make our day a bit easier, this includes:

• Us hosting dinner instead of Grandma as we have a bigger dining room to hold everyone. They won't because it's the done thing.
• Me cooking dinner at my mam's house for the 4 of us. She says no each time I offer.
• Me collecting my mam on the morning (she won't sleep at our house) and having her at our Christmas day and for dinner. I would take her back later. Again, she's said no. She wants to keep the same routine.

So here we are, another year of rushing around everyone with our 5 year old, with what feels like no time to enjoy anything.

I really want to say fuck it and either stay home next year or only visit one on Christmas day (maybe alternative each year?) Everytime I think this though, I feel guilty!

AIBU or is this part and parcel of Christmas?

Personally, I'd prioritise your mum, as Granny sounds like she has plenty of company, but your mum would be alone if it weren't for you.

Is there a reason your mum couldn't come to you though? I don't see a reason she can't fit in with you?

Grandma isn’t alone then. She has other family what her. So you see her on boxing or Christmas Eve.

tell your mother that you’ll be over at ….. (whatever time suits you)

Maybe take a brunch to grandma’s and invite mum, ok cook later oon..?.

You need to put your child first now, Christmas doesn't sound very enjoyable for them.

Who knows how many Christmases any of us have left, I would not like to have spent any one of mine rushing around to that degree.

Of course at 94 the chances are the granary won't have vet many more, but she's had plenty with you.

Your mam can be alone if she wants to be so awkward.

I honestly don't give a flying fuck about what other people want if they are just being awkward or obstinate in the face of kind invitations to join your family.

Don't wait til next year for the Christmas you want.

We did this for many years, rushing around to visit both families and GPs. It was often 10pm we would get home to ooen our own presents, this was before DC. Then we changed it to Christmas day at one parents, boxing day the other, including GPs on those days. This helped to spread it out and have more time after DC. Xx

I thought you want his gran was alone! As she’s with family I’d say we are having dinner at ours. We will pop over mid/late afternoon to say hi - or invite her to yours . Or go over Boxing Day.

Invite your mum to yours for lunch if she says no that’s her choice 🤷🏼‍♀️

Then you can stay at home until later in the day and no rushing about. It seems crazy to me to rush off for 10am and then come back and eat at yours to then go out again!

Also to say it helps when we take it in turns to host so everyone goes to one place.

We always visited both sets of parents, admittedly they lived closer. But the difference is we wanted to. I’d prep everything Christmas Eve and then the bird goes in at lunch time between visits and the veg etc only takes about 45 minutes. No cook starter and dessert.
if you don’t want to go only you can make it happen. So if not this Christmas, next year have the Christmas you want and warn them this year.

This

Stay home and invite them. Time to start new traditions. They either come or not. All this traipsing about is ridiculous.

Not unreasonable at all OP! I've posted on here before about this. It's one day of the year and when you have kids I really believe you should prioritise your time with them - you get 18 Christmases with your kids if you're lucky before they can fly the nest, make the most of the day with them instead of being guilt tripped and trying to please everyone else - they aren't being fair to you by their unwillingness to compromise. There is always so much pressure on families spending Christmas day together and having the perfect day but it is often unrealistic and it is only 1 day. See them on different days, don't feel like you have to cram and rush everything. It's not fair on you.
I'm abroad but used to dread Christmas because DH parents and my parents are divorced. 3 of them never met anyone again so they are all alone. After DS was born we had a Christmas from hell at MIL - all the travel, upheaval, lack of routine/sleep - we were shattered. Then after a week travelling to my mums (5 hour drive). It was too much and we were shattered by the end. All parents then expected us to repeat this each year and alternate parents - its lovely that they wanted to spend time with us but there was no consideration to what we wanted and we spent all our time people pleasing.
Fast forward to now and we stay in our home. Week before I spend all week at my mums and visit family. Everyone is welcome to visit but only a couple bother. We set our own traditions rather than fulfilling other people's. It's much better. A couple of members are alone Christmas day but it's their choice, they have friends who invite them but turn it down. And it is really 1 day.

DC dad and I didn't even expect him to come to the other parent on Xmas day by that age (we alternate). It's a day all about him, and the one of us that doesn't have him sucks it up and has a great boxing day with him instead.
The fact that grandparents aren't willing to break "tradition" to come over and see their (great)grandson enjoying all his new things and just having a lovely day suggests to me they aren't that bothered about seeing him on the day full stop.

Stay at home. Invite them. If they won't come say you'll see them on Bixing Day or another day.

Omg. Just do it from this year. Christmas is for kids so put your own family first. Your mum seems to be making things unnecessary difficult for you as you've suggested completely sensible options. Visit gran on boxing day - shes not alone and she stopped inviting you so she clearly doesnt feel that guilty. Your mum has two options. Come to yours or let you cook at hers. Either way, travelling on xmas day for a kids sucks. Adults can suck it up.

Just sounds like a normal Xmas. If you aren’t
happy then you have to sort, but whatever you do you’ll upset people.

As soon as we had kids we made it clear Xmas day we are at home. No guests or travelling.

They have made their choices, you have offered to host them and they have declined. Do what is best for your family, put your child first and don't feel guilty about it. If your mum really doesn't want to be alone, she can come to yours.

This.

No one knows how many christmas' they have left. I'd be fucked if I was running around like a blue arsed fly for people who can't comprise 1 iota.

Only you can stop this. So stop this. Imagine the blessed relief of having a lovely peaceful Christmas at home.

It's so unfair on your kids to drag them around like this to, they will want to be home with their pressies, relaxing.

This

Stay at home OP

when DD joined us we said we aren’t trailing her around the relatives on Christmas Day or Boxing Day folk are more than welcome to pop in if they wish. It’s worked out that we host my mum and gramps on Christmas Day and MIL on Boxing Day as it would be carnage if they all sat at the same table 🥴 pre DD we ran about like loons visiting

It's just a day, which primarily is for kids enjoyment. And if you are religious, for doing the services etc.
Other than that it is a roast dinner and a rest day.
Rushing about to make sure you see everyone that you can also see the day after or any other day is just madness.

Thanks everyone. DH and I have had a good chat and we are changing it from this year 🙌.

Before I close out, I thought I'd answer some of the questions you had...

1. My mam is 65 - she doesn't drive.
2. My mam worked in a care home throughout my childhood. My mam and dad were divorced. Since she worked Christmas day, I spent the majority of Christmas day alone from the age of 10 until I turned 18. I used to hear about all of my friends being with their family and extended family. I thought that was the norm. Still do now as most people I know seem to host/go to big family gatherings. Also hence why I hate the thought of people being alone at Christmas, because I know how it feels.
3. We have typically refused to leave the house boxing day so DS gets the full day with his toys.
4. DH's dad passed away just before Christmas. I was adamant about spending Christmas day with him that year as his Grandma had always insisted DH go to hers. DH was young at the time. I'm all about fairness and taking turns haha. It would have been his first Christmas with his dad in about 10 years. Even when he lived with him, he went to Grandma's house and Dad was left alone most of Christmas Day. Unfortunately, he passed away before we could have that Christmas with him. Obviously that plays on DH's mind too!

Thank you all again for your honest messages!

DH and I are in full agreement to prioritise our DS and us as a family this year.

We always went to mil on Xmas day, till we had our ds then we stayed at home had our children really close together so we hosted. As it was easier than hailing everyone round. I literally said this is what we doing you more than welcome let me know if you want in.