Nobody willing to my adjustments for us, for Christmas!

[Yolocloud]

AIBU to want to say fuck it to everyone and stay at home for Christmas next year?

Happy to be told I'm being arse and to suck it up.

Our usual routine:
For the past 15 years, myself and my husband have always split Christmas day between both of our families in the following routine:

• Wake up and presents at home
• Up to husbands Grandma's between 10-12:30 (15 minute drive)
• Back home to cook and have dinner (We had dinner at his Grandma's the first 5 years, but it was a very tight squeeze in her small dining room and she did ultimately did not invite us the 6th year)
• Leave at 2:30 to go to my mam's (35 minute drive)
• back home.

It's a constant rush all day, and whilst it's lovely to see everyone, it always feels like a time limit. We can't see everyone properly and it feels like we're shovelling our dinner down.

When we had our son 5 years ago, we said we'd change the routine, but ultimately kept it the same due to two reasons.

1. My husband's Grandma is very old and we're not sure how many more Christmas' she has left.
2. There is just me and my mam in our family, if I did not see my mam Christmas day, she would not see anyone.

We have tried each year to offer solutions to everyone to make our day a bit easier, this includes:

• Us hosting dinner instead of Grandma as we have a bigger dining room to hold everyone. They won't because it's the done thing.
• Me cooking dinner at my mam's house for the 4 of us. She says no each time I offer.
• Me collecting my mam on the morning (she won't sleep at our house) and having her at our Christmas day and for dinner. I would take her back later. Again, she's said no. She wants to keep the same routine.

So here we are, another year of rushing around everyone with our 5 year old, with what feels like no time to enjoy anything.

I really want to say fuck it and either stay home next year or only visit one on Christmas day (maybe alternative each year?) Everytime I think this though, I feel guilty!

AIBU or is this part and parcel of Christmas?

Thank you everyone! I needed the honesty (and the kick up the arse!)

You've all made me feel better and justified in wanting to change it :)

Could you see relatives on Xmas Eve or Boxing Day instead? Does it always have to be on the actual day? The day should be for relaxing but you’re spending most of in the car or rushing around which can’t be fun for your child in particular. I bet he wants to play with his new toys!

they wont make adjustments for you because you always accomate them. You suggest something else, but when they push back you give in. Just do what you want, issue the invitations and if they turn up- happy days. If they dont then you'll find next year when you attempt to suggest something new they are a bit more accomadating

So everyone gets what they want except for you? If you want to stay at home just tell people that’s what you are doing, extend the invites and then it’s up to them if they decline. Since we had our children (now teens) we’ve always stayed at home, much nicer for them.

Bist DH’s grandma but not on Christmas Day. Invite your mam to yours and if she declines, tell her you’ll see her at yours on Boxing Day because you’re not rushing round ruining your day and that of your 5 year old for the 5th year in a row. Stop trying to please everyone, pet, you’re making a rod for your own back.

I voted YABU as why are you putting your son through this? At age 5 there are only a few Christmases left where he will really be into the magic of it all and you are dragging him around to these other people's houses and putting them before him because you are letting them be so inflexible. I bet if you stood your ground and invited people to yours, you would find they would have to change their routine and join you at yours - and if not then that's their choice and not your responsibility.

Ooh no, sod it. Christmas is supposed to be relaxed imo, and your little boy likely wants to stay home and watch movies and play with his toys!

I'd stay home on Christmas Day, and visit one on Christmas Eve and one on Boxing Day. You could even spend a bit longer assuming no one else has other commitments, take some snacky party food with you and have a nice time without worrying about rushing around.

Nope, tell them (politely) they can come to you or they don’t see you.

It’s one day - the knots people tie themselves into trying to please selfish family members irritates the hell out of me. People who aren’t even religious turning the day into some kind of self-flagellating torture exercise.

It’s mad.

We used to be you op. From our home to my mums, to dh's mums then back home. Constant rushing, grumpy dc, exhausting.

We stopped when our eldest two were 3 and 5 and told the family it was too much travelling around for the dc and that was that. Eldest is now 17 and we haven't left home on Xmas day for years now.

Put your child first. If the other adults want to sulk, cut their nose off to spite their face and spend Christmas alone then so be it.

I made it clear from when I had kids that traveling to family would not be part of my xmas. I see my family before or after Xmas.
Now I have 4 and 3 of them have asd I'm glad I didn't this cause my kids couldn't cope with a big family Xmas it would be a disaster.

Send husband and child to see granny, whilst you relax , and if your mum doesn’t want to come to yours then you see her either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day .

Glad you are feeling you can change things for next year.

My point was going to be, what would your ds remember about childhood Christmas’s when he’s older…?
Probably not being able to play with his toys properly!

The first years we had kids we hosted so the kids weren’t dragged around- however I found I ended up missing one of the most special days of the year that I work so hard for and save so hard for because I spent it in the kitchen and being a good host offering drinks/ snacks/ tidying/ cooking/ washing up.
Then one year I said no more and said to DH we would pay to eat out as a treat and offered others to join us (all pay for our own) however this didn’t happen as both parents offered to have us so that’s what we do.
One set of grandparents comes in the morning to see dc and bring their gifts then we go for late lunch (dinner) at other grandparents where dc take some toys and their gift at the house hosting dinner is always something they can really play with so we don’t feel bad keeping them from their other toys.

This is so much better!

I’d do the drive to grandma but then home for dinner and stay there. Invite mum to yours if she says no her choice!

Same here. I only have one but we said under no circumstances are we having Christmas Day anywhere except at home for at least the first decade. We are driving 4 hours to see my family on the 27th, coming back on the 30th with an overnight to see DH's family (3 hours away, different direction) and they're all happy with that.

There's no reason you need to be at your mum's for 2.30, especially if you have invited her and she has said no. Why is it so rigid? What's wrong with 4pm?

Blimey that sounds so stressful . No way would I be doing that . It’s your Xmas too . Just think how amazing it would be to stay home and do it x

Don’t be me I’m twenty years in to alternating between the grandparents one 3 hours away and the other down the road. I have been guilted into it every year by my parents as I chose to move away. The only year I have stayed at home was 2020 (thank you Covid) I’m the over driver in our house so no tipple for me. One day I might finally grow a pair and tell them all I have had enough

I would do what you want and put your child first. We travelled every christmas it was stressful always rushing and dc has asn but we had to do it as family elderly/unwell and unable to come to us. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you have to do something just because you did it that way for years.

Here’s the thing about “it might be Granny’s last Christmas” - you get a very finite number of little kid magic Christmas mornings too. Don’t squander them all doing things you don’t want to do and making everyone happy but yourselves.

You’ve pandered to everyone else for years, you have offered solutions so no one is alone, so do what you want to do. If it’s too late for this year make it crystal clear from September onwards that Christmas 2026 you are staying home.

Yeah, I'd do the visit to grandma (and the rest of your partner's family) - it need only take 1.5 - 2 hours out of your morning.

But rushing your Christmas dinner to go round to your mum's - nah. Give her the choice, she can come to you on Christmas Day or you will visit her on Boxing Day. As others have said, it's not fair on your little boy - and you can put that point to her.

You're absolutely correct. This is DS's 8th Christmas. I'm pretty sure he's just humouring us on Santa/magic flying reindeer at this point. The peak years were 3-6.

My brother used to do Christmas day with us 1 year and boxing day at his ex wife's parents. Then the next year Christmas day at his wife's parents and boxing day at our mum's.

That's fine for your mum to say no and it's fine for you to say now you have a child you will put him first and your happy to do as said.

She will soon come around

If grandma has other people over on Christmas Day, I would see her on Boxing Day.

Tell your Mum she’s welcome to yours for lunch. If she’d rather stay on her own, that’s up to her. What does she do for lunch?

Time to say FUCK IT and please yourselves… I think your mam is being a little selfish when you are offering her a perfect solution!

You have to stop asking and offering and start telling.

Christmas Day at yours. options to pick up and drop off. If they don’t want to, they are grown adults and can manage for one day.