Nobody willing to my adjustments for us, for Christmas!

[Yolocloud]

AIBU to want to say fuck it to everyone and stay at home for Christmas next year?

Happy to be told I'm being arse and to suck it up.

Our usual routine:
For the past 15 years, myself and my husband have always split Christmas day between both of our families in the following routine:

• Wake up and presents at home
• Up to husbands Grandma's between 10-12:30 (15 minute drive)
• Back home to cook and have dinner (We had dinner at his Grandma's the first 5 years, but it was a very tight squeeze in her small dining room and she did ultimately did not invite us the 6th year)
• Leave at 2:30 to go to my mam's (35 minute drive)
• back home.

It's a constant rush all day, and whilst it's lovely to see everyone, it always feels like a time limit. We can't see everyone properly and it feels like we're shovelling our dinner down.

When we had our son 5 years ago, we said we'd change the routine, but ultimately kept it the same due to two reasons.

1. My husband's Grandma is very old and we're not sure how many more Christmas' she has left.
2. There is just me and my mam in our family, if I did not see my mam Christmas day, she would not see anyone.

We have tried each year to offer solutions to everyone to make our day a bit easier, this includes:

• Us hosting dinner instead of Grandma as we have a bigger dining room to hold everyone. They won't because it's the done thing.
• Me cooking dinner at my mam's house for the 4 of us. She says no each time I offer.
• Me collecting my mam on the morning (she won't sleep at our house) and having her at our Christmas day and for dinner. I would take her back later. Again, she's said no. She wants to keep the same routine.

So here we are, another year of rushing around everyone with our 5 year old, with what feels like no time to enjoy anything.

I really want to say fuck it and either stay home next year or only visit one on Christmas day (maybe alternative each year?) Everytime I think this though, I feel guilty!

AIBU or is this part and parcel of Christmas?

So can you please just clarify OP, are you starting a different way of celebrating Christmas this year, or next?

Can you go see his grandma Christmas Eve and then tell your mum you’re staying home for Christmas but she’s welcome to come?

Bloody hell OP, this is an AWFUL way to spend Christmas Day

They can come to you, or they can choose not to

And, unless it suits you that she doesn't, I'd tell your mum that she'll have to stay over

Did your mum really need to have spent every single Christmas Day at work once you were 10 years old? Surely she could have told her employer that she had no childcare and her child was being left alone all day on Christmas Day?

Your own childhood Christmases were beyond awful so it's great that you will now prioritise the needs of your child over your mother and other relatives.

Since me and DH have been together and after children we have always spent Christmas with just us. I always advise people to start as they mean to go on and then people would not be stuck in these situations for years and years.

I'd priorise seeing your DM on the day as she'd be alone otherwise. Your DH's family should well understand that and if they don't then that's ridiculous and I'd be prioritising them even less frankly. If your DM doesn't want to come for Xmas lunch I'd still go to hers but no rushing around so I'd say pop round later say 4pm for a few hours and nibbles or whatever. Then visit grandma/DH's side on a different day around the Xmas period.

Ever since having children we stay at home together as a family,

if people want to visit, they know where we are but strangely, nobody does because it would mean making an effort, it does mean this year my DF is on his own but turn it around another way; he could have invited us?

I'm sick of bending over backwards to please everyone - and who would not return the favour.

Your 5 year old needs to come first, it's not nice for him rushing around all day because older relatives are not prepared to be flexible and change the routine. I'd change it, do what suits you, the others are being selfish and need to compromise.

I agree with this 👆
What you've been doing is unnecessary and unfair on the children. Its like you don't mind making the children unhappy for the sake of 2 grown ups! Send that perfect message explaining you're no longer rushing around everywhere. They are welcome to come over. As long as you make an effort to see them in real life through out the year, there is no need to bend.over backwards on Christmas day. Visit them on Christmas eve for an hour each and drop off presents.

Do it. I spend most of my Christmas's at home now with just our household. We have such nice relaxing days. Anyone is welcome to pop round and most years someone will but it's very casual with no time frames or rushing around. If your mum is really bothered about being alone she will come to you.

As you have pointed out, your mum has no other family....so what makes you think she'll fall apart if she is home alone on Christmas Day, just like every other single day of the year?

That's not to say you don't see her other times of the year as well, but really, it's just one more day on a calendar so maybe she CBA with the faff and simply doesn't mind about it?

Sounds exhausting. Isn't christmas supposed to be fun.

If you are not invited to join the Christmas lunch by DH's grandma then you might as well just visit her on a different day. You are running yourself ragged trying to please other people who are just suiting themselves so it's definitely time to put yourselves first. Good luck next year.

Haven't read all your posts yet but my gut reaction is "does her family who won't leave their homes live in Blyth?". My family is from there originally and you would think there was an electrified fence and a moat of laser-wielding sharks around the fucking place because they don't seem able to leave. Nobody from Blyth seems to visit. Blyth folk must be visited. Even if you're the one with a (disabled) kid, a million things to do and all they have on is sitting in their house all day, being visited 😂 I swear there must be something in the water there that keeps people there, otherwise it would be empty. It's an utter shit hole that I got out of at 16.

The irony being that I don't actually live far from Blyth 😂 It did make me laugh!

I bloody knew it. The people who are born and die in the small industrial towns of the north east all seem to have this mentality. Along with clinging to misery, another popular pastime is "not speaking to" friends and family. It blows my mind.

We have a friend like you and told her don’t let your Xmas memories be dominated by stress induced by other people’s expectations. Now her boys are late teens going to college …..and Xmas was just stress she hated it. Looking back now can see her husband put all the travel demands on her and she didn’t put her foot down. It’s her life to live her way but she can’t act like she wasn’t told not to let this happen to her Christmas. She chose to live by others expectations.

I'd have the day at home, then visit Grandma at 4pm after dinner for an hour or 2.

Tell your Mum she is invited - or you will see her on Boxing Day.

There was a thread earlier this week about elderly people on their own at Christmas, and everyone was saying similar things to you - its not about being selfish, its just them ultimately being so inflexible/toxic that they inevitably get left out.

If you’re inviting people to yours it’s up to them to accept or not. Just because they say no doesn’t mean you have to change plans. The offer is there, they can take it or leave it.