Nobody willing to my adjustments for us, for Christmas!

[Yolocloud]

AIBU to want to say fuck it to everyone and stay at home for Christmas next year?

Happy to be told I'm being arse and to suck it up.

Our usual routine:
For the past 15 years, myself and my husband have always split Christmas day between both of our families in the following routine:

• Wake up and presents at home
• Up to husbands Grandma's between 10-12:30 (15 minute drive)
• Back home to cook and have dinner (We had dinner at his Grandma's the first 5 years, but it was a very tight squeeze in her small dining room and she did ultimately did not invite us the 6th year)
• Leave at 2:30 to go to my mam's (35 minute drive)
• back home.

It's a constant rush all day, and whilst it's lovely to see everyone, it always feels like a time limit. We can't see everyone properly and it feels like we're shovelling our dinner down.

When we had our son 5 years ago, we said we'd change the routine, but ultimately kept it the same due to two reasons.

1. My husband's Grandma is very old and we're not sure how many more Christmas' she has left.
2. There is just me and my mam in our family, if I did not see my mam Christmas day, she would not see anyone.

We have tried each year to offer solutions to everyone to make our day a bit easier, this includes:

• Us hosting dinner instead of Grandma as we have a bigger dining room to hold everyone. They won't because it's the done thing.
• Me cooking dinner at my mam's house for the 4 of us. She says no each time I offer.
• Me collecting my mam on the morning (she won't sleep at our house) and having her at our Christmas day and for dinner. I would take her back later. Again, she's said no. She wants to keep the same routine.

So here we are, another year of rushing around everyone with our 5 year old, with what feels like no time to enjoy anything.

I really want to say fuck it and either stay home next year or only visit one on Christmas day (maybe alternative each year?) Everytime I think this though, I feel guilty!

AIBU or is this part and parcel of Christmas?

Why would you feel guilty when nobody else does? You have a 5 year old. Things change now. You stay home for your boy that's your new tradition as they had theirs. Anyone is welcome, but you'll be at home and see them another time over the period.

My mum won't go to anyone on Christmas day, so she stays at home. Her choice. She did come to me for many years, but I live in another country now. She's been invited to my sisters for Boxing Day, and she's humming & hawing over that!

@Yolocloud

Since DH's gran won't be alone on Xmas Day, I'd skip going to hers. Make arrangements to see her another day. Either Xmas Eve or Boxing Day. Xmas Eve in the very early afternoon for tea & cake and opening gifts. I'd go early enough so you'll be home before dark and the 'get ready for Santa' magic. Or Boxing Day late morning/early afternoon, after a good lie in and a lunch of leftovers. Go for a visit, take her a slice of cake or some treats and exchange gifts then.

As far as your mum, I get not wanting her to be alone. But if you won't be seeing Gran on Xmas Day, that gives you a bit more 'wiggle room' to see your mum without being rushed off your feet. But it's still OK to say that if she wants to see you she'll have to realize that sometimes traditions just have to be done away with and new traditions take their place.

See grandma. Have your dinner and spend afternoon at home. See your mum either later in the day for nibbles or on boxing day?

Xmas doesn't have to be the way they've done it forever more. You're a family now. You're allowed to have your own way of doing things. They've had their turn.

It sounds stressful and a shitty way of spending Xmas day.

See grandma etc another day. As for your Mum, I'd give her 2 choices - you pop over in the morning for an hour and then head home to cook your lunch and relax at home, or if she wants longer with you, you collect her before lunch and she stays the day and night so no one has to rush about. If she doesn't like those options, well, tough shit.

Ultimately you have to do what works for you, and there’s no particular reason you have to see them on Christmas Day, you could see them in the days before or after, I’d offer to host them on Christmas Day, if they decline then say ok but we’re not dragging our child around different houses, we’ve done that previously and now it’s our turn to do it our way, so we’ll see you a different day then.

Would your child not have a much happier Christmas if he got to stay home and play with his toys all day?
Since we've had kids we will not leave the house on Christmas day. Family can come to us, or we will see them another day.
If your mum is alone on Christmas that's her choice - you've invited her, she declined. Fine.

If it feels too late to change it for this year, how about having your Christmas dinner Xmas Eve and then a party food buffet for lunch on Christmas Day to keep it simpler?

We used to do this but after covid we put our foot down. We have 3 dc now aged 8 5 and 3 and there's absolutely no way I could do it, to them. We do christmas day and boxing day here, pyjamas, chocolate for breakfast whatever, all the tantrums are ours to bear and no judgement, go to bed whenever, and open and enjoy presents at our own pace. We then do each set of parents on other days which actually gives them more time together. You have to put your foot down for your son, he must be exhausted at the end and probably agitated he hasn't actually played with anything. Have a lovely christmas op, be brave and do it.

Next year, you tell everyone in advance that you will be having Christmas dinner at your house. They are invited, of course, but should they prefer not to, that’s fine. Then alternate years, go to the others. You do not have to do this every year, but if you keep going along with what they want, no one will change.

I would suddenly "fall ill" this year meaning you have to stay home to save spreading germs. That way you've changed the cycle and it will all be easier next year to make a new plan.

We've hosted our three single parents for years. Last year was particularly hard with my MiL. This year we politely but firmly said we weren't hosting anyone and they'd have to make their own plans this year as we wanted a quiet one at home just the three of us, DS is 6. Now they all have other plans and everyone is happy.

YANBU.

But YABU to have done it for the last 5 years. If your mam doesn't want to be alone, she knows where you are.

My first baby was a month old on our first Christmas together. My husband had been dragged from house to house all through his childhood and hated it. I told him I wanted to start our own traditions. And so gradually it evolved into Christmas Day just us , Boxing Day an all day family gathering at his parents house, and the weekend before Christmas we got together with my parents and my brother and his family. We pretended Saturday was Christmas Eve and Sunday was Christmas Day. It was fantastic and we all enjoyed it. His family were local and mine were about 200 miles away. You could perhaps do something similar.

I stopped leaving my own house years ago when my 2nd dc was born as my eldest was 4 at the time and it was open gifts and then go to a relatives house so by the time she was 4 I put my foot down and it was the best thing I did. The adult dc are 26 and 24 now and the teen dc absolutely loves the fact I close the door on the 24th until the 27th or so as thats my time.

We have a 5 and 3 year old and for the first time ever we live in a house big enough to host. Our parents on both sides are leaping at the chance to come and be fed by us!

My mum was always working on christmas day and I found it so upsetting when she would go out to work again when we were relaxing and opening gifts. So since having the kids i am resolute that we are all relaxing and being together all day (week) long!

All your suggestions are reasonable. You just need to make it reality.

Don't put it off til next year. This year, tell them you're all feeling tired/ under the weather and want to stay at home!

Stop letting others dictate to you what you are doing on your Christmas day. Your 5 year old is your priority not adults. If your husband granny isnt fit to visit carry on visiting her but tell your mum you wont be visiting and she is welcome at yours for dinner. If your husbands granny is fit she can come for dinner to. End of conversation. Your 5 year old deserves to enjoy Christmas in his home. Let him do that.

I have had to be very direct with a close family member this year as every year we have been expected to fit into her plans even without being asked if its convenient. This year they got told we are doing x on that day (the date we are expected to keep free for them without discussion). I then said your welcome to visit x or u date.

I can see that most people won’t agree with me, but your DH’s grandmother is 94. At that age I think most of us would be fairly set in our ways, and you would be the bigger person for going along with what she wants. Your mum on the other hand, could be more flexible.

It takes more than just a nudge sometimes for an older generation to realise that the younger generation needs space/become the centre. And for some of the younger generation too!

My husband and I had Christmas with parents/in laws for my son's first two Christmases, now we're having Christmas with friends because it suits us more. We're seeing both sides a few times between now and NY, but not running around on Christmas Day because we want to actually enjoy it.

This year, move your Christmas lunch to Christmas Eve or boxing day.

Next year, invite yr DM for Christmas lunch /afternoon. Your mum might choose to be alone - but that's up to her.

I'd pop in to see Gran in the morning if you can. But a "coffee and mince pie" type of visit.

In your shoes I’d see nan 10-12 and pop to the others 5pm - 7pm

put your child first - i did and likely upset a few

children stay home with their gifts, we cook and people come to us

absolute ridiculous nonsence for ONE day!! surely it makes no difference if you see your mum or granny Christmas eve or boxing day? But to your child, it really matters!
stay home!

Bloody hell, the grandma and mum have had more than enough years hosting and having their own way! Now it's time to make memories of your own Christmas for your son! Does he get much time to play with his new toys if being taken out and about? Not many years of Santa left.

If you put your foot down and invited people around instead would they come? When I was a child (before my parents divorced at age 8 and i was dragged between houses all day) we used to see my nana on Christmas eve for hours and drop in gifts, and Christmas day was then just the nuclear family having a lovely day playing with toys, eating and napping. Then boxing day was a busy family visit day. Nice balance across three lovely days.

Spend the Christmas Day at Home
You've pratically dislocated yourself trying to please everyone
And everyone knows where you are
You have a little one so make it all about them and spending quality time together
They grow so quickly you know

I was lucky - our kids were all born November/December so it was an easy excuse to stay at home and for people to come to us. By the time our kids were older, it was ingrained that everyone came to us.

It's horrible spending Christmas day travelling from one relative to the next. I would make it very clear this year to both that you're not travelling next year and the door is open for them to come to you. So by Christmas, there's no "oh but you always come to me" as they've had all year to get used to it.

So does your DH’s grandma still host on Christmas Day? If so, I’d visit Christmas Eve.
If your mum would be alone on Christmas Day, I’d invite her to yours. If she refuses then that’s on her.
Your current set up is totally unfair on your child.

He has to get up and open his presents then breakfast, ready and out for 10ish then back home for a quick lunch and then back out to your mum’s? No, no, no. That’s not fair on him or any of you.
Change it now!