Sick of dh, exhausted and pissed off

[dezzyd]

Just a rant really.
Dh is turning into a real grumpy old man. He cooks, maintains the garden and looks after our dog as well as working full time. I work part time but do everything else - washing, cleaning, shopping, all kids appointments, all life admin.
He pays for 90% of all household costs. I mention this and the jobs he does do to show that he does contribute but emotionally and practically he’s just a bit shit.
It’s become clear to me that he resents family life. I don’t doubt he loves our dc but he can’t cope or be arsed with any of the day to day challenges of parenting - tantrums, illness, difficult behaviour, actually doing things with them for their benefit.
He basically thinks days out are a waste of money because the kids inevitably play up at some point. I am beginning to get really depressed by him.
Christmas is a great example - he will fork out for the big ticket gifts but I am left to sort all the smaller bits, all the cards for his family, all the wrapping, preparation and so on.
I try to do things with out youngest on my days off whether it be library, soft play, play dates, activities. On the rare occasions he’s left with them he’ll just stick the telly or an iPad on.
He is becoming grumpy and difficult to be around.
Leaving isn’t an option. I am fucked financially and wouldn’t want to be without my dc even for the weekends.
He is a big drinker and I have fallen into bad habits by drinking too on an evening with him mainly out of boredom and stress.
In the new year I really want to try and get on top of things. I want to do more with the dc with or without him. I’m planning a trip to see my friend and will make a weekend out of it leaving him at home.
Im thinking of joining a gym and going on an evening when dc are in bed so I can get out of the house and hopefully make new healthier habits.
He can and has been a decent husband who does provide but I’m finding his whole attitude unbearable at the moment. Any advice welcomed.

Does he have a point at all? Is life a bit grim with no space for me time or couple time, just all family time relentlessly?

You mention soft play so the kids are young and hard work. You only work part time and contribute 10% financially. I would also expect you to be the primary parent in this situation. Your plans for the new year sound good though.

There is no breaks no. We have no family help whatsoever. But this is the same for me too. It is grim at times but I try and stay positive and want to give my kids a good childhood.
I don’t feel like we are equals when it comes to parenting or sharing the mental load. I feel like it’s predominantly me and he is more like a helper or babysitter who can be drafted in to assist but doesn’t really know what he’s doing.
He provides financially and I appreciate that. I know it’s a team effort and we both have our roles to play but his attitude is just shocking. He’s short tempered, grumpy and clearly resents the very normal aspects of day to day life. I have offered him breaks - told him to make plans with friends because it will do him good but he doesn’t.

It’s one thing to be the primary parent which of course I expect given my work schedule but for him to basically check out altogether feels unfair.
I’ll give an example. My older dc is from a previous marriage and if I ever try to have one on one time with him my dh has to have our younger dc. I then feel guilty for that because he just won’t do anything with them. I feel pulled in so many directions.

Yeah, this. This isn't a situation where the woman in earning 50% and the man is not pulling his weight in the house. That said, things like cards to his family he can do or they don't get done.

Is your DH having to pay for your son as well or does his own father contribute? If the former, it's no wonder he's grumpy.

Has he always been a big drinker or is it something that's increased over time?

Since having kids I've cut down drinking massively as a hint of a hangover makes tantrums etc unbearable to deal with. Do you think a reduction in drinking would help him be more engaged?
Is he happy with how things are?

Sounds like a good plan for the New year

You both just sound a bit exhausted tbh.

I'm at the other side, the youngest is 12, and we both get time now to do our hobbies/interests/breaks. And just be overall happier. But it was hard going a few years ago.

Yes he does and his father is very involved. That’s not the reason for his attitude at all.
I appreciate there is a big difference in our earnings but since we have no family help someone needs to be around to care for the (mine and his) dc. Like many women I’ve put my career on hold to do this which I’m happy to do. But because I’ve become primary carer he just seems to think he doesn’t need to bother at all. He has no idea how to deal with our youngest. He would never do something as simple as take them swimming because he can’t cope with the faff of getting them dried and changed. Why have dc if you’re just going to check out?
I often worry about me getting ill or dropping dead because he wouldn’t have a clue what to do with dc.

Yes always been a drinker. Not to get drunk but just likes to relax with a drink in the evening which I’ve gradually ended up mirroring over the years. We don’t drink to excess it’s just become a habit.
I don’t think he is particularly happy no. But when asked what he’d rather be doing instead he has no answers. Like I said I’ve encouraged him to do things but he won’t.
I don’t want a miserable existence for me and dc so I’m trying to think of ways I can enjoy like with them whether he chooses to join in or not.

Stop doing any of the card and gift prep for his family. His family, his responsibility.

If he doesn’t enjoy family life then making him step up into that is an uphill struggle. What else could he do to make your life a little easier? Would outsourcing some things help?

my DH would do anything for the kids but he doesn’t see what needs doing around the home. Je also brings in around 85-90% of our family income. After many years of arguing with him, I now outsource the crap I don’t want to or don’t have time to do

Neither one of you is inherently wrong. Lots of people get burnt out when they have young children, either being the primary caregiver or breadwinner. I would suggest just be kind to each other and trying to keep communications open. Tell your husband you are feeling like you want a bit more and come up with a plan to do it.

I think doing things with the kids whether your husband joins or not is a good idea. You dont get these years back. I also think you need to give yourself permission to do things with your older child and by yourself, without guilt. If you husband stays home with the younger kids and lounges in front of the TV, so be it.

You do sound pretty unhappy. I’d start by cutting right down on booze, that makes everything worse. You need a break, failing that a change. Daily drudge has got you depressed.

Thank you for this.
I think you are right.
I suppose what galls me is that I run myself ragged trying to do things for the dc, all the boring appointments and school stuff. He just can’t be arsed to do anything with them and that lack of interest or enthusiasm kind of makes me lose a bit of love for him. Like I said, I feel like he’s a babysitter not an engaged parent.
I appreciate that he pays for things but it’s always me that has to make things happen. Holidays for example, he’d pay but he’d never put the effort into finding or booking anything, sorting passports, packing, washing etc. It’s become a general rule of our life that I just do everything because he earns more.

I wouldn't call working full time, cooking, gardening and caring for the dog, 'a bit shit' !

I get you - my h works incredibly hard and far harder than I I do regarding money wiser( we work in our business together) however I have worked far harder on our business but in the past - I am resigned to the fact that at 61 he is totally disinterested in anything domestic, although does like food shopping -he literally doesn’t notice stuff that needs doing/cleaning etc -he doesn’t give a shit though if I pay and outsource it, so we have a gardener fairly often and a woman who catches up on ironing every few months. Our son is now 27 and totally independent but although he loves him to bits, he would never have checked his school bag for any stuff or sit helping with homework etc - I’ve come to the conclusion ‘some’ men love their kids, but not the day to day admin of them and are actually very self centred. In fact the men I’ve met who have been good at this are really nice guys, but often not that career minded.

I don’t think it’s necessarily to do with earning more - certainly isn’t in my Hs case ( who is exactly the same) - more that he sees it as a female job and can’t be arsed as it doesn’t interest him

@dezzydwell stop allowing this to go on then. Does je enjoy the holidays? Then let him plan one. Just don’t do it!
Don’t do his washing. The way to get him to step up is to stop doing it yourself.

Well your standards are pretty low there @YourWildAmberSloth

This man is a father and does absolutely no parenting whatsoever. I’d say that’s utterly shit.

Maybe he should do something about his drinking as it is probably making him more depressed

My older dc is from a previous marriage and if I ever try to have one on one time with him my dh has to have our younger dc. I then feel guilty for that because he just won’t do anything with them.

@dezzyd I wouldn’t worry about that too much, your DH and your youngest can just hang out while you do something with your eldest. Just spending one to one time together will be good and help your DH get to know your youngest better.

He is spending time with them, though. I see where you are coming from but also believe that kids don't have to be entertained 24/7. It's OK to have a quiet day with dad at home. If anything, being a bit bored as a child is very necessary.

I'm not saying that your husband is amazing. I'm just saying you don't need to feel guilty and you don't need to worry that your kids are not occupied every second of every day.

Well, he shouldn't have got involved with a woman with children then should he. 🙄

I get this and I don’t expect him to do some amazing expensive day out with them. But his default parenting option is to stick them in front of a screen which isn’t great. His attitude feels like it’s all just too much trouble to give them experiences or days out. It always ends in tantrums so what’s the point let’s just stay home all the time instead.