Sick of dh, exhausted and pissed off

[dezzyd]

Just a rant really.
Dh is turning into a real grumpy old man. He cooks, maintains the garden and looks after our dog as well as working full time. I work part time but do everything else - washing, cleaning, shopping, all kids appointments, all life admin.
He pays for 90% of all household costs. I mention this and the jobs he does do to show that he does contribute but emotionally and practically he’s just a bit shit.
It’s become clear to me that he resents family life. I don’t doubt he loves our dc but he can’t cope or be arsed with any of the day to day challenges of parenting - tantrums, illness, difficult behaviour, actually doing things with them for their benefit.
He basically thinks days out are a waste of money because the kids inevitably play up at some point. I am beginning to get really depressed by him.
Christmas is a great example - he will fork out for the big ticket gifts but I am left to sort all the smaller bits, all the cards for his family, all the wrapping, preparation and so on.
I try to do things with out youngest on my days off whether it be library, soft play, play dates, activities. On the rare occasions he’s left with them he’ll just stick the telly or an iPad on.
He is becoming grumpy and difficult to be around.
Leaving isn’t an option. I am fucked financially and wouldn’t want to be without my dc even for the weekends.
He is a big drinker and I have fallen into bad habits by drinking too on an evening with him mainly out of boredom and stress.
In the new year I really want to try and get on top of things. I want to do more with the dc with or without him. I’m planning a trip to see my friend and will make a weekend out of it leaving him at home.
Im thinking of joining a gym and going on an evening when dc are in bed so I can get out of the house and hopefully make new healthier habits.
He can and has been a decent husband who does provide but I’m finding his whole attitude unbearable at the moment. Any advice welcomed.

I think it is more about hours worked tbh.
Irrespective of who earns what, if I was working 40 hour weeks and dp 20 hours,I would expect him to pick up more of the slack at home. Thats the point of having one parent working part time isn't it?
How many hours a week does he work?
Is he not doing anything at all on his days off/ at the weekends ? He should want to spend time with his dc.

He's not exactly doing nothing though, is he? He's working full-time, paying 90% of the bills and expenses (and paying for a child that isn't his), coming home, doing all the cooking, walking the dog and maintaining the garden.

OP works part-time so of course the majority of the domestic load and childcare is going to fall to her - because she's at home more. He can't put on a load of laundry or look after his kids while he's out earning the money that feeds them and puts a roof over their heads!

Did he say why he wanted a kid, specifically?
We can't change other people, your kids will know the man doesn't like them, and will learn that women are for skivvying after men.
They'll think it's normal, aspirational.

Your daughter may do appeasement behaviour, desperate for attention and approval from her father.

All of this. But then you both sound unhappy and should maybe talk about that and the future. I'd be grumpy, too.

I totally relate and am in the exact position financially. I’ve been trying to get back in the gym and start a business but I’m just burning out trying to do it all. It’s like dragging someone along through mud - extremely draining. I came on here to see if it was just me struggling with the holidays. Day 2 and I’m done 🤣 thanks for making me feel less alone!

Agree with this - it astounds me how many women support men in having no interest in their own families just because they work full time. It’s actually nothing to do with being the primary parent - I think we’d all be happy with picking up the domestic stuff if we had an engaged, happy husband when he is home.

He works from home about 80% of the time so he probably could put a wash on or whatever. But it’s fine because I spend my days off doing this whilst also running around after a toddler.
Id appreciate it if you’d stop the ‘supporting another man’s child’ BS too. I’ve already said ds’s dad supports him and is an active role in his life. But on of the off chance I’d like to spend some time alone with him (he’s older and doesn’t have the same interests as younger dc) it would be nice to do so without worrying that the other dc will be sat on screens the whole time.

I really don’t think I’m asking for the world in wanting my dh to actually know how to parent his own dc on the odd occasion, but apparently it’s unreasonable to expect that because I work less / have another child / am a princess / etc etc.

Here’s how I’m viewing it - it’s his loss. The kids will remember the time and effort you spent with them. They will not have many happy memories of their dad. Their bond with you will be strong and that’s all I’m aiming for - kids that know they can come to me with whatever they need.

I’m sticking to working around him, enjoying the kids and appreciating the rare times he does get involved. Building my own support network for my own mental health and exercising when I can. Building finances for my own security.

My brother has just been through a horrific divorce and I will not put my kids through that and I do not want them to be without me at weekends either whilst they are so dependant - this is another thing people dismiss and tell you you’re choosing misery but it’s real and strong to sacrifice your happiness for your young children.

yes it’s tough when you’re at your mental limit but those are the times you let him stick the tv on and just go out for an hour alone.

It’s not going to be forever. Ignore people who tell you you’re asking too much. I think it’s so weird when people try to kick someone when they’re already down - speak volumes about who they are and their own issues. I expect they’ve been told their needs are too much by others at some point.

It's been asked a few times but you've not answered - did he agree with you working part-time while he paid for 90% of all the household bills?

The "supporting another man's child" thing isn't meant as a dig towards you or your eldest, but it might explain why he's feeling a bit resentful and stressed and pissed off with the situation, that's all.

It’s not about division of labour or money. It’s about living with someone miserable and absolutely passive!

I just don't think it's that simple.

Unequal division of labour and income often causes people to feel pissed off and unappreciated - OP is here saying she wishes her DH did XYZ but maybe he wishes she did ABC too?

To me, it sounds like poor communication on both sides and an unequal division of labour (in that one person is earning most of the money while the other does most of the grunt work). I wouldn't be happy in a marriage like that and personally think things are better if both parties make equal contributions to both the finances and the domestic labour.

Agree - I think that’s where it starts. The point I’m trying to get across is that it has got to a point now where OP is struggling with her mood and she has come here to vent with a very balanced post - saying she appreciates his contribution but is being hammered by people telling her he does enough and she’s a ‘princess’. She doesn’t want an analysis of the division of labour and money or for people to play the blame game. It hits close to home for me so I’m just giving her that support she needs in that she’s not the only one in this position.

Fair enough - I wasn't purposefully playing the blame game, just trying to understand the background to provide advice, but it seems like OP just wanted a listening ear and some sympathy, which is fair enough.

I honestly think if it's got to a point where you're this unhappy, it's probably best to end things before the kids get impacted, though I appreciate it's not always that straightfoward.

This is no life, lovely. I lived with a perfectly decent husband but he became so dull and grumpy. He resents that I don't just sit in front of the telly every night anyone- I've done the healthy habits thing. Starting again I my 50s is daunting but its no life to be with someone you don't care about in that way or who just sucks the life out of everything!

I think going to the gym in the evenings will be your lifeline. Something small and wholesome just for you has the potential to make the world of difference to how you're feeling towards him. Do it, I think it will bring you some peace.

OP - you have a plan in the NY to improve your quality of life so that’s a great first step. If you could focus on your own well being more then it might make some things more tolerable. When we’re dissatisfied it’s easy to blame those around us.

You do have an unequal relationship - financially he is bringing more to the table, he works more hours in a job and family wise one of the children has another parent that, you say, has an engaged role which may lead your DP to opt out. That makes it harder to balance things I think.

Would it help to give him more direction because he’s just a bit shit at entertaining your younger DC? So ask him to take DC to a cafe/playground/on her scooter/to the library. Be really specific and don’t make it an option. ‘take x to the playground for an hour whilst I do y’ I know he’s an adult but it may be outside his skill set and he needs support/ teaching.

I can’t believe it’s hours and hours in front of screens if you have your DC most days or they’re in nursery when you work. Maybe let it go a bit at weekends?

And try and find those things that attracted you to him in the first place. That can get lost in the noise.

The grumpiness, especially in mornings will be very much linked to drinking. Can you both do a dry Jan/Feb as a joint effort to improving your moods? Be open that you want you both to be happier...start somewhere. I think most busy domestic set ups like yours are bearable if you are both fairly happy/relaxed...it all goes to shit when you become irritated, resentful, grumpy. The only way out of that is jointly admitting things need to change and making joint efforts to do that.

God some of the comments on here are so unbelievably offensive; going on about funding a child that isn't his, calling her a princess and wanting him to fund her.

There's absolutely no value put upon looking after a house and children, and to an extent the husband.

Posters who'd only put a value on that if it's pounds and pence, that's paid to nannies, nurseries and childminders, to gardeners, cleaners and professionals laundry people. Who actually get time off and sick pay etc.

I'm thinking these posters are either men or women who've been brainwashed into thinking looking after and nurturing your kids and family is lazy and entitled.

I'm sure I'll be shot down for saying this though.

No it’s not the norm - I think it’s usually people who have had a hard time themselves think they have to be hard to others.

I bet he’ll be complaining as an old man that the kids don’t really chat to him or involve him in anything, if you’re even still together then. This thread will be why. If you said you ‘put the kids on screens, don’t really want to do anything with them, get impatient with them doing kiddish stuff’ you’d be slaughtered as a lazy, unfeeling parent.

He is not resentful towards the fact I have another child. He knew this when we got together and given his dads generous maintenance he is not ‘supporting’ him in the way it’s being implied, he actually gets on best with my older ds because he’s easier in the sense he doesn’t need the childish parenting or have tantrums (not many anyway).

He agreed me part time working yes. Because he knew someone would need to be on hand to look after the youngest. Neither of us wanted her in childcare full time and we certainly didn’t want the cost of it.

Then it sounds like you both need to properly sit down in the new year and communicate about how you can improve your marriage (if that's what you end).

Except Holidays for example, he’d pay but he’d never put the effort into finding or booking anything, sorting passports, packing, washing etc
Plus the boozing, short temper, bad mood, refusal to parent his kid at all. A holiday sounds like hell with such a man.